Sex, like other things, couldn’t be fundamentally different for guys and girls. Sure, the act is the same, the fun’s the same, and it’s an (ideally) satisfying experience for both. What could be so different?

Women have sexual needs that are different from guys. For a lot of women, sex provides a connection to their partner. They want the emotional contact, something men don’t often prioritize as a top reason for getting down.

Connection is not a word often associated with a man’s vocabulary; it is, on the other hand, integral to a woman’s. Sexual contact and connection is an expression of greater emotional and relationship intimacy and connection, which a lot of couples don’t have in their everyday lives. For men who find it difficult to understand the needs of women to connect, sex is a vehicle for that intimacy. Using sexual intimacy as a starting point to develop more “global” relationship intimacy is a great step.

Love is interconnected with sex for some women; having sex is an expression of love. This is an important point for guys. Understanding that regular sexual contact for women is a way that you’re expressing your love – or at least interest – in your woman is important for relationship development.

What can I do to boost up my sexual game for the long term, you may ask? Sure, new sex positions and “date night” are helpful. Carving out time for sex is important for many couples, especially busy ones and couples with children.

Here’s 7 suggestions for a deeper sex life with your partner:

• Try enjoying the process of sex – not the goal (orgasm) – and see what happens that’s different.
• Spend one time just asking what she wants. Ask where she likes you to be, what she likes you to do, and generally work on being more present to what she wants from you.
• Work on developing eye contact. Women love this. They’ll get that sense of connection we talked about.
• Talk about your fears of sex, or other past situations that have been troublesome for you. Everyone has holdups and fears around sex – it’s highly vulnerable. Try communicating those to your partner, if you feel comfortable. If your fears create intimacy issues or sexual problems, seek professional help.
• Take care of yourself, so you feel good about yourself first: eat right, manage stress well, get the good sleep you need, and try exercising for better physical, sexual and emotional well-being.
• Don’t let pornography get in the way of intimacy. Talk about it, and don’t let it become the elephant in the room. It may be hurting your relationship in more ways than one.
• Have some fun. Relax your need to perform like the stallion you want to be. Be yourself, and don’t try to aspire to unrealistic expectations of yourself sexually. Ask the right questions, and hopefully, you’ll get the right answers.

Acceptance of cheating among men has actually decreased in recent years, compared to previous decades, like in the 1970′s, but In the age of instant communication and viral storytelling, cheating has come (and stayed) in the forefront of the cultural consciousness, with the prominence of celebrities and politicians who have cheated, and gotten caught.

But why do men cheat? Do they cheat simply for sexual gratification? The answer is multi-dimensional and not as easy as that.

According to research, the number one reason that men cheat is because they no longer feel appreciated, validated or cared for by their wives. An unsatisfactory sexual relationship may contribute to it, but the vast majority of men admit that it was because they felt neglected at home, didn’t feel appreciated for their efforts or for who they were.

Here’s how it works: A marriage or relationship slowly starts to erode when partners start to distance themselves. Often times, having children takes precedence, and a marriage is redefined in a way that it becomes second priority. Men – when not getting those needs for intimacy, appreciation or validation – begin to feel angry and hostile towards their wives. They start the emotional disconnect from their wives or girlfriends, which, in turn, creates more friction and hostility towards them by their partners. The cycle continues, and many men opt for cheating or infidelity.

In my experience, men are emotional beings that have a very difficult time learning how to access those emotions, and communicate them in a way that their partners understand. Men are used to the avoidance and withdrawal, especially in the realm of getting their needs and feelings met. Often times, they don’t have or haven’t learned the communication tools to be able to fix the problem before it gets bad. They’ll avoid or repress the problem, and not deal with it as it needs to be dealt with.

Here are some highlighted reasons why men cheat, and then added points on the Tiger Woods scandal, to contrast celebrity cheating:

I was watching a video of Gov. Mark Sanford of South Carolina yesterday, stumble through his atonement from his bewildering escapades to South America. He explained his extramarital affair, and all the people he hurt, and uses a lot of “believer”-type vocabulary – basically his “fall from grace”. This type of thing happens so frequently with men, and it is embodied in our fallen politicians, such as Govs. Sanford, fmr. Gov. Eliot Spitzer of New York and others.

Repentance is, well, kind of obligatory these days, and even promotional and accepted, to ensure a continued politcal career. But, what I am concerned about is ensuring that guys stop this self-destructive behavior, and start to embrace their “shadow sides”. Shadow sides, you may ask?

Carl Jung talked about the concept of the “shadow” to mean those repressed weaknesses, shortcomings, and instincts in us. “Everyone carries a shadow,” Jung wrote, “and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.”

As men, the fact that we act on our repressed and unsatisfied sexual drives and urges, and hurt those we love, is testimony to the “blackened and dense” qualities of extramarital affairs.

Embracing one’s shadow side is not easy. It takes guts. It takes courage. And it takes someone trained in exploration of these matter, such as a counselor or psychotherapist. So long as your shadow side lurks in your unconscious mind, creating unconscious thoughts, words and behaviors, you’re as good as on autopilot. It’s really hard to seize control back from those impulses when your shadow runs the show.

Shadow Man

Where is your shadow lurking?

Upon assimilation of one’s shadow, the behaviors diminish and stop. The impulses drop, and the behaviors quit. With extramarital sex, which is often unmet needs in a marriage or relationship (not so much the actual sex), we lose the sense of personal responsibility, both for our actions and for communicating to our partner what we are failing to get within the relationship.

Most of the time, when guys are asked, the reasons for cheating on their women is not about the sex: again, it’s what needs are not being met in the marriage, which could include sex, but not limited to. Maybe a guy doesn’t feel seen or heard. Maybe they’re angry, and wanting to unconsciously “get back” at their wife. There are reasons that motivate men more than just the sex.

by Morgan Neill
CNN

TOKYO, Japan (CNN) — They are young, earn little and spend little, and take a keen interest in fashion and personal appearance — meet the “herbivore men” of Japan.

Former CNN intern Junichiro Hori is a self-described ‘herbivore.’

Author and pop culture columnist Maki Fukasawa coined the term in 2006 in a series of articles on marketing to a younger generation of Japanese men. She used it to describe some men who she said were changing the country’s ideas about just what is — and isn’t — masculine.

“In Japan, sex is translated as ‘relationship in flesh,’” she said, “so I named those boys ‘herbivorous boys’ since they are not interested in flesh.”

Typically, “herbivore men” are in their 20s and 30s, and believe that friendship without sex can exist between men and women, Fukasawa said.

The term has become a buzzword in Japan. Many people in Tokyo’s Harajuku neighborhood were familiar with “herbivore men” — and had opinions about them.

Shigeyuki Nagayama said such men were not eager to find girlfriends and tend to be clumsy in love, and he admitted he seemed to fit the mold himself.

“My father always asks me if I got a girlfriend. He tells me I’m no good because I can’t get a girlfriend.”

Midori Saida, a 24-year-old woman sporting oversized aviators and her dyed brown hair in long ringlets, said “herbivore men” were “flaky and weak.”

“We like manly men,” she said. “We are not interested in those boys — at all.”

Takahito Kaji, 21, said he has been told he is “totally herbivorous.”

“Herbivorous boys are fragile, do not have a stocky body — skinny.”

Fukasawa said Japanese men from the baby boomer generation were typically aggressive and proactive when it came to romance and sex. But as a result of growing up during Japan’s troubled economy in the 1990s, their children’s generation was not as assertive and goal-oriented. Their outlook came, in part, from seeing their fathers’ model of masculinity falter even as Japanese women gained more lifestyle options.

Former CNN intern Junichiro Hori, a self-described herbivore, said the idea goes beyond looks and attitudes toward sex.

“Some guys still try to be manly and try to be like strong and stuff, but you know personally I’m not afraid to show my vulnerability because being vulnerable or being sensitive is not a weakness.”

Older generations of Japanese men are not happy about the changes. At a bar frequented by businessmen after work, one man said: “You need to be carnivorous when you make decisions in your life. You should be proactive, not passive.”

Fukasawa said the group does not care so much about making money — a quality tied to the fact that there are fewer jobs available during the current global economic recession.

Japan’s economy recently saw its largest-ever recorded contraction and has shrunk for four straight quarters. Blue chip companies Sony, Panasonic, Toyota and Nissan all reported losses in May, and most are forecasting the same for the current fiscal year. Though still low by international standards, Japan’s reported 5 percent unemployment is the highest since 2003.

Hori agreed economics has played a role. When he finished university, “a lot of my friends were trying to work for a big company that pays well and I wasn’t interested in that. I am kind of struggling financially and my father is not very happy about it,” he said.

Fukasawa estimated some 20 percent of men are what she would call “herbivorous” and said their attitudes were influencing others. Indeed, she said, it was a return to the norm for Japanese men, rather than a departure.

“It was after World War II and the post-war economic growth that Japanese men gained the reputation as a sex animal through the competition with the West. Looking back beyond that time, older literature talks a lot about men with the kind of character we see in the herbivorous boys.”

Will these men simply grow out of this? Fukasawa said it was anyone’s guess.

Some of them may, but Japan’s image of masculinity is nonetheless changing.

“The men in dark suits are changing, too,” she said. “Today’s young people in dark suits are different from the baby boomers in dark suits. They are evolving, too.”

(This article appears in Psychology Today Magazine, Mar/Apr 2009 edition, by Jay Dixit)

Without doubt, there are big problems that afflict relationships; infidelity, abuse, and addiction are not perishing from the earth. A highly sexualized society delivers an alluring drumbeat of distractions. But it may be the petty problems that subvert love most surreptitiously. The dirty socks on the floor. The way our partner chews so loudly. Like the relentless drip of a leaky faucet, they erode the goodwill that underlies all relationships. Before you know it, you feel unloved, unheard, and underappreciated, if not criticized and controlled. Intimacy becomes a pale memory.

Yet irritations are inevitable in relationships. It’s just not possible to find another human being whose every quirk, habit, and preference aligns perfectly with yours. The fundamental challenge in a relationship, contends New York psychiatrist John Jacobs, is “figuring out how to negotiate and live with your partner’s irritants in a way that doesn’t alienate them and keeps the two of you connected.” When marriages don’t work, he adds, often the partners are fighting not over big issues but over petty differences in style.

We each have differing values and ways of looking at the world, and we want different things from each other. Such differences derive from our genetically influenced temperaments, our belief systems, and experiences growing up in our family of origin, explains Diane Sollee, family therapist and founder of SmartMarriages. “We think, ‘My father knew how to put the toilet seat down, so why can’t you?’ Or ‘My father never put the toilet seat down, so I’m not going to, either.’” Whatever the source, such patterns are deeply ingrained, difficult to dislodge.

Sometimes a sock on the floor is just a sock on the floor. But especially among longtime couples, little irritations may code for deeper problems. It’s as if ice cubes become an iceberg, says family therapist John Van Epp. Think of ice cubes as free-floating irritants —bothersome but meaningless: You hate the way your partner puts his feet on the furniture or exaggerates. Such behaviors might drive you up the wall, but they’re harmless.

But small problems coalesce into a vast, submerged force when they take on a different meaning in your mind—when you add them up as evidence of a character flaw or moral defect. You’re annoyed by the fact that your significant other hates sharing food from her plate. And that she hates planning in advance. And that when you try to share important news, she gets excited and cuts you off to share something of her own. When you consider them together, a picture emerges of your partner as selfish and self-absorbed, always putting her own needs first.

“You don’t really live with the partner in your home. You live with the partner in your head,” explains Van Epp. Gradually, you begin looking for evidence that your partner is self-absorbed—and of course you find it. Your perceptions shift over time: The idealized partner you started out with becomes, well, less ideal.

But if you want to stay in a relationship, something needs to change. In all likelihood, it’s you.

Every annoyance in a relationship is really a two-way street. Partners focus on what they’re getting, not on what they’re giving. But no matter how frustrating a partner’s behavior, your interpretation is the greater part of it. What matters is the meaning you attach to it.

Read the rest of the article here:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20090305-000001.xml

(This is a good article from the NY Times, January 25th, 2009, about female desire)

Meredith Chivers is a creator of bonobo pornography. She is a 36-year-old psychology professor at Queen’s University in the small city of Kingston, Ontario, a highly regarded scientist and a member of the editorial board of the world’s leading journal of sexual research, Archives of Sexual Behavior. The bonobo film was part of a series of related experiments she has carried out over the past several years. She found footage of bonobos, a species of ape, as they mated, and then, because the accompanying sounds were dull — “bonobos don’t seem to make much noise in sex,” she told me, “though the females give a kind of pleasure grin and make chirpy sounds” — she dubbed in some animated chimpanzee hooting and screeching. She showed the short movie to men and women, straight and gay. To the same subjects, she also showed clips of heterosexual sex, male and female homosexual sex, a man masturbating, a woman masturbating, a chiseled man walking naked on a beach and a well-toned woman doing calisthenics in the nude.

The men, on average, responded genitally in what Chivers terms “category specific” ways. Males who identified themselves as straight swelled while gazing at heterosexual or lesbian sex and while watching the masturbating and exercising women. They were mostly unmoved when the screen displayed only men. Gay males were aroused in the opposite categorical pattern. Any expectation that the animal sex would speak to something primitive within the men seemed to be mistaken; neither straights nor gays were stirred by the bonobos. And for the male participants, the subjective ratings on the keypad matched the readings of the plethysmograph. The men’s minds and genitals were in agreement.

All was different with the women. No matter what their self-proclaimed sexual orientation, they showed, on the whole, strong and swift genital arousal when the screen offered men with men, women with women and women with men. They responded objectively much more to the exercising woman than to the strolling man, and their blood flow rose quickly — and markedly, though to a lesser degree than during all the human scenes except the footage of the ambling, strapping man — as they watched the apes. And with the women, especially the straight women, mind and genitals seemed scarcely to belong to the same person. The readings from the plethysmograph and the keypad weren’t in much accord. During shots of lesbian coupling, heterosexual women reported less excitement than their vaginas indicated; watching gay men, they reported a great deal less; and viewing heterosexual intercourse, they reported much more. Among the lesbian volunteers, the two readings converged when women appeared on the screen. But when the films featured only men, the lesbians reported less engagement than the plethysmograph recorded. Whether straight or gay, the women claimed almost no arousal whatsoever while staring at the bonobos.

“I feel like a pioneer at the edge of a giant forest,” Chivers said, describing her ambition to understand the workings of women’s arousal and desire. “There’s a path leading in, but it isn’t much.” She sees herself, she explained, as part of an emerging “critical mass” of female sexologists starting to make their way into those woods. These researchers and clinicians are consumed by the sexual problem Sigmund Freud posed to one of his female disciples almost a century ago: “The great question that has never been answered and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my 30 years of research into the feminine soul, is, What does a woman want?”

Full of scientific exuberance, Chivers has struggled to make sense of her data. She struggled when we first spoke in Toronto, and she struggled, unflagging, as we sat last October in her university office in Kingston, a room she keeps spare to help her mind stay clear to contemplate the intricacies of the erotic. The cinder-block walls are unadorned except for three photographs she took of a temple in India featuring carvings of an entwined couple, an orgy and a man copulating with a horse. She has been pondering sexuality, she recalled, since the age of 5 or 6, when she ruminated over a particular kiss, one she still remembers vividly, between her parents. And she has been discussing sex without much restraint, she said, laughing, at least since the age of 15 or 16, when, for a few male classmates who hoped to please their girlfriends, she drew a picture and clarified the location of the clitoris.

Rest of article here:

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/25/magazine/25desire-t.html?emc=eta1

As I do at the end of every year (and the beginning of every new year), I think about why I do this work in the first place. I ask myself, “How can I best serve the men in my community?” or “What is it that I think men need most in my community?” 

Counseling for men developed this past year after I did some soul searching, and figured out that to sustain a practice and myself over the long term in counseling, I needed to work with men because I enjoyed it so much. I found that a lot of the issues that I have worked through personally come up with men all the time. I wanted to dedicate my practice to working with guys who are struggling the same way I did in my past, and help them to find their voice and change their lives, whether it be to find a relationship that is good for them, to reduce stress in their lives, to find meaningful work, to access their emotions better or to have deeper and more intimate relationships with their partners, wives or girlfriends.

In some ways, I see that there are a lot of expectations on men to succeed in parts of their lives that they have not been able to be successful with, i.e. emotional intelligence and intimacy. I think that, compared to 50 years ago, the expectations of a mate have changed, and men are expected to do so much more. Just pick up any womens’ magazine and see what they are saying. Culture states that men are expected to be both the breadwinner and the heart opener. It’s hard to do both.
(more…)

(This is an MSN article from “The Nest” That I found online. I don’t post too many articles on these types of things, but what chaps my hide is that these articles continue to push stereotypes about men and how we supposedly all live, in this case like slobs. What do you think? Do you see where I am getting at? Comments??)

My husband drives me crazy. He’s a complete slob; I’m a neat freak. I’ve brought my issue up to a few different people — my mom, my sister, and my frenemy — in a desperate search for sage advice or some masterful man-ipulation. Each of my mentors employs a different tactic, but who knows best? My mom always preaches, “Oh, just let it go.” My sister (who’s a women’s mag junkie) says to trick him into doing his fair share. And my frenemy swears by the sex strike. Frustrated and hopeless, I set out to put each theory to the test.

Tactic 1: Suck It Up
Expert 1: Mom — happily married for more than 40 years
The Plan: After 40 years, my mom must know how to make a relationship work. When I complain to her about my SH (sloppy husband), she says that if something really bothers me I should just take care of it myself. And, with a slap in the face to women’s lib, she always adds, “You know how men are.” Yeah, I do: sloppy.

This do-it-myself tactic seemed too ’50s for my taste, but I gave it a shot. Is the answer simply doing stuff that I don’t mind? Or do I need more than that from my husband? For three days, I spent every moment taking out trash, Windexing the coffee table, hanging up his suits…you get the point. Did I mention that I also have a full-time job?

“Is the answer simply doing stuff that I don’t mind? Or do I need more than that from my husband?”

The results: The house was spotless, but I felt glum. I’m his wife, not his slave. It occurred to me that what works for my mom isn’t going to work for me. Times have changed. She got married in the ’60s and has never worked. My marriage is more modern with the two of us trying to be equal partners. I move to plan B immediately.

Tactic 2: Trick Him
Expert 2: My sister — happily married for seven years
The Plan: My sister boasts about her ability to make a marriage work. I took her advice and decided to cease cleaning up. Note to self: Don’t tell my guinea pig/husband what I’m up to.

For an entire weekend I just let the mess happen. It was surprisingly easier than I thought it would be. The key was resetting my expectations for how neat or sloppy our home should be. The lazy thing was going so well, I let it spill into Monday and even invited a friend over. I didn’t worry about the mess (especially because my buddy was in on the plan). When my husband got home from work, my friend was on her way out. The door was barely shut when he screamed, “I can’t believe you’d have someone over when the apartment looks like this!” I shrugged my shoulders and responded, “It looks fine to me.” And he frantically began putting away all his junk and asking me which cleanser works best on the coffee table. “Windex,” I replied with a sly smile.

The results: Victory was mine, but it was bittersweet. Sad but true, being passive aggressive in a marriage works. But despite having a fantastic flat, I felt pretty lousy. I’m not so sure I want to be the kind of woman who manipulates her husband.

“Sad but true, being passive aggressive in a marriage works.”

Tactic 3: Sex Strike 
Expert 3: My frenemy — who gets everything she wants
The Plan: I set off to deny my husband of sex, which quite frankly wasn’t too difficult considering that I’ve been so mad at him for being a pig. I knew if I taunted him by being sexy and then said no, he’d want it even more.

I just couldn’t do this — it’s too dishonest. My frenemy can use sex to get her way, but I decided to try something radical but all too obvious. I opted to talk to my SH. I told him I don’t want to nag but I feel like he isn’t doing his share of the housework (or respecting my neat-freak tendencies), and that I feel underappreciated. “I get it,” he said, “but I feel like you don’t realize the things I do for you.” And when he reminded me of the fact that he buys me stamps, fixes every single electronic around the house, and always replenishes the toiletries — even the girly ones — the lightbulb went off. A slob will never be neat, but that doesn’t mean a messy man isn’t trying. Oh, and as it turns out, Mom does know best. One day last week she said to me casually over coffee, “If you want your husband to do something, make sure to tell him early on because it’s much harder to get him to change later.”