Intimacy is a tricky subject for many guys. When we think of intimacy, sexual intimacy usually comes to mind. But the intimacy that your wife, girlfriend or partner may need in your relationship is quite different.

To be intimate – for many women – means being able to connect with them through your emotions. Where men stumble is thinking that to be intimate means doing, showing or providing for their partners. For guys, a common misperception is that taking care of their wives or girlfriends though buying them things or providing for them materially is how we care for them. It’s baffling to think that our wives and girlfriends are unhappy with us when we keep trying to get it right with them, and end up feeling like we’ve failed.

Emotional connection for men is difficult, but you get further away from the emotional connection when you convince yourself that you’re doing what you can to try to care for your partner by doing things (e.g. fixing things around the house, planning events or vacations or simply being the great breadwinner that you are). What I hear from frustrated women is that, ultimately, they want to feel close and connected to their partner in an emotional way, and guys can’t get to this place by better planning, fixing or breadwinning.

• Stop trying to fix your way through intimacy. It probably won’t work
• Try to stay open to listening to your wife, girlfriend or partner without being defensive
• Stay open to feedback and constructive criticism
• Know that you are indeed successful as a boyfriend, husband, father, breadwinner, etc., and that you’re not a failure at intimacy, but it may require changing your perspective
• Try talking with your partner about your feelings or emotions: try to stay vulnerable with your partner, even if it means not doing anything at all – simply listening and being present in a conversation.
• Ask for validation from your partner for the things you’re doing well, such as being supportive and caring to her, being a good provider, etc.
• Ask for it verbally from her, instead of assuming she should just know to give it to you.

When they don’t feel intimate emotionally with you, women may withdraw sexually or physically from you. They may chase and pursue you – even resorting to criticizing you and invalidating you – but their longing to connect emotionally with you is what’s driving that reactive behavior. Your sex life may be problematic is there’s an emotional disconnection or intimacy problem between you.

Talking about problems that are present within the relationship is another good way to reset with your partner and develop better emotional intimacy, and, consequently, better sexual intimacy. Too often, the problems and issues that we have in our relationships get hidden away and relegated to the sidelines through avoidance, fear, compartmentalization and avoidance, especially for men. Try something new: open up to your partner about the problems you’re having with them. If you take the risk, and communicate it from your own experience (“I” statements”) instead of attack or criticize them, you may be surprised with the results. You may find a better, more intimate relationship waiting for you in the end.

Many guys I talk with don’t really know what they want sexually, and don’t know how to communicate sexually with their partner. Often times, a discomfort or fear about talking about sex prevents partners from really talking and connecting during sex. Unfortunately, communication problems around sex can lead to other forms of disconnection in the general relationship or marriage. Having a healthy sexual life includes being able to communicate your sexual desires and responses in a way that your partner can understand them, and attempts to meet those needs.

Knowing what you want sexually is the first start. Many guys say they just want more sex, which is fine, and don’t require as much attention to detail as their wives or girlfriends do. For women, on the other hand, sex is more about intimacy and connection, which necessarily includes communication. The guys that are able to communicate their sexual needs clearly what their partners are the partners who find themselves having richer and more meaningful sexual lives.

Being able to take a risk and indicate with your partner about what you want sexually from them is the second step. Often times, negative messages about sex tend to fill this space and prevent us from saying what we really want. It’s important to talk with our partners about what we want sexually, but just as important to talk about our fears and inhibitions. For men, a universal theme around sex is performance. Men want to know that they’re a high sexual performer, or that they’re able to please their partner in a way that makes them feel good and happy with them. In general, men want to know that they can please their wives and make them happy in their marriages and relationships. Sex is just an extension of that. Men want to know that they can please their wives sexually, as well as feel please themselves.

When it comes to performance anxiety (see last blog post on sexual problems and performance anxiety), guys set their performance standards too high, and sometimes fail them. Being able to talk with their partners about their fears about being a good sexual partner, and checking out what their partner what it is that they expect of them as their sexual partner, are important ways to break the ice and start communicating in a deeper way.

Here are more tips on how to more effectively to  communicate sexually with your partner:

• Know what feels good, and what doesn’t feel good, and take a risk and communicating with your partner.
• Talk about fantasies with your partner that you’ve been harboring in your mind; shall be happy that you did
• Create variety in your sex life, and in your relationship in general; sometimes, boring sex life is representative of hitting a boring patch in your relationship in general.
• Tune in and listen to what she wants more. Chances are good that she has some sexual desires that could use your attention, and listening more intently to what she’s interested in will deepen your sexual connection.
• Talk about your sexual pasts together, to the extent that you’re both comfortable with. Many times, guys really don’t want to hear this from their woman, but what I’m talking about is talking about the general issues. Talk about fears growing up about sex, messages that each got about sex, how sex was discussed in the family, and start to make the topic of sex a more approachable subject for both of you. You don’t necessarily need to go into the  fine details about each other’s previous sexual endeavors.

Creating a healthy sex life is a direct function of creating better and deeper to vacation with your partner. Consider some of these tips if you’re wanting to improve your overall sexual life.