When problems happen in otherwise good relationships and marriages, what I often hear from men is that they don’t feel supported by their wives or their girlfriends. Many check out after several attempts to get the support that they need, and just as many more simply don’t know how to get that support directly from the one they love.

Are you one of those guys who feels disconnected and unsupported from your relationship partner? How do you experience this lack of support?

The problem is, on the surface, a lack of support or validation from your wife or girlfriend. Underneath that lies another, more subtle layer.

Men have a really difficult time recognizing their own needs, and have an even harder time actually connecting to those needs and communicating it (in language she can understand) directly to her. Instead, guys withdraw and stop interacting with women. they’ll tell themselves, “Why try? It’s just too difficult. Of course I want support, but she should know this. I do a lot for her, why do I need to be the one to tell her?”. Reactions happen across the range: some guys do the withdrawal-and-hide-the-anger thing, or some guys just check out of the relationship in general. Some guys get critical, or exercise their frustration through trying to control things or people in their environment. And some other guys just stew in their heads forever trying to figure out “how to fix it.”

Here’s some bullet points to help you. It’s unfortunate to see otherwise good guys in otherwise healthy relationships struggle to simply get validated.

• Ask yourself: “Does she validate me enough? Do I need more from her sometimes?”
• Ask yourself: “How does she show me support now? Could I actually name the ways that she communicates her support to me right now?”
• Talk with your wife or girlfriend, and express your appreciation for the support that she does give you; this will reinforce her behavior, and let her know exactly how you want the support. A lot of times women are clueless about how the support/validation is actually absorbed by their guy.
• Write down (on paper) what you would like validation or support for. Are there certain things that you’re contributing to her life, the kids’ lives, or to the household in general? Make a list of those things, to develop your own awareness about what those things actually are.
• Admit there’s a problem, both to yourself and to her. Make some time to communicate with her (hopefully, not during or after a fight). Say: “You know, I’m needing something from you and our relationship, and sometimes I don’t quite know how to ask you. I need to hear more supportive things from you around (x) and (y), and it would make me feel much closer to you.”
• If you sense you’re starting to withdraw or get angry, ask yourself “What am I needing in this moment?”. There’s usually an emotional reaction when we’re not getting a certain need me. This is an extremely powerful statement, so use this liberally when you get upset.

Hopefully, you can employ some of these helpful tips to get the support and validation you need and deserve in your intimate relationship. We’ll be talking about how to give the support and validation back to her in the next blog post. Stay tuned.

It’s easy to see what a bad relationship looks like. You’re probably surrounded with plenty of anti-models everyday. But what about those really functional relationships that stick in your mind?

We all have severely idealized versions of what happy and healthy relationships and marriages look like. Sometimes, if we look closely, some people are more attracted to those fantasy relationships in their minds than they are to their actual partners. During our formative years, we are socialized in many ways (through schooling, religious institutions, friends, media) to come up with our private version of a good and healthy relationship. No one grows up thinking their marriage will grow cold and distant over time (at least I haven’t heard that in therapy).

But, what does make for a health relationship? What are the marks of a truly healthy relationship? What am I missing? I’m interested to hear your comments, and your perspectives on your version of a healthy relationship.

Here’s 15 of the most important (not necessarily in order of importance):

• Self-awareness
• Empathy
• Communication, and ability to have conflict within a safe “container”
• Love and fulfilling sex life
• Fun and laughter
• Respect of your partner
• Trust in your partner
• Shared and common interests
• Similar ideas about how to construct
• Shared power
• Understanding about money and how it’s managed in the relationship
• Supportive and nurturing; validating for both people
• Mutual willingness to work together on relationship/marriage problems
• Similar “worldviews”, or ways to create shared experiences together
• Good handoff of time together, and time apart (some couples need more, others less)

Creating a healthy relationship takes a lot of willingness, hard work and mutual love and respect, and each relationship could be optimized in its own way. There are myriad ways to relationship success, and many of the roads to relationship health are unique to each relationship, as is the uniqueness of each person. Finding what works – and what doesn’t – for your own relationship is part of the journey of awareness and growth for yourself, your partner, and your relationship.