Thinking about this topic, I know we’re heading into murky territory, but I’ve been talking with a ton of guys this season where that big question has come up. I think it’s something about the holiday season that makes us look back on our past year and assess both the good and the bad. Do we look back in happiness and success, or do we look back in regret?

The holidays seem to drudge that question up for a lot of people, because I think a lot of otherwise unhappy people want to be able to make a change for themselves with the new year. Relationships are no different. Many people who are unhappy or unsettled in their current relationships start to ask themselves this question around this time of the year, and start to ask themselves if they need to make a change.
This is one of the most difficult questions to ask -  “do I stay or do I go in my relationship or marriage?” This article is not going to answer that question for you, but it’s been a bring up some points for you to think about.

There are some things that make answering that question easier, such as direct physical abuse, a partner who is mired in substance use, or other immediate response needs. I think those types of things need into serious inquiry into the “do I stay or do I go” question.

But, for a lot of men, they ask this question of themselves out of sheer reactivity and hopelessness. Many kind of choose to stay stuck between a rock and a hard place, and never seek out the help that they need, such as couples counseling. For some, it’s more comfortable. For others, it’s just denial.

A lot of times, the question “do I stay?” really means “ can I continue to deal with the problems that I am experiencing currently?” We often end up blaming our partners and creating a certain storyline about them and our relationship, and how it’s going to hell. If we get stuck in those types of thoughts, we’re toast. A lot of relationships and marriages that can be worked on, aren’t.

For men, it’s a little harder to take a look at the things that we are doing to our partners, and to take responsibility for the negative things that we do to them. I think the “do I stay?” question reflects a little bit of this, as well as “can I continue to deal with the negative emotions that come up inside me?” Sometimes, enough suffering drives people out of their comfort zone, where the pain of a bad relationship had become more than they can sit on.

For the guys who are emotionally avoidant already, the next logical question to start asking is “do I go?”. For men who avoid their emotions, and often avoid conflict situations in general, the desire to end a relationship or marriage is logical. It’s just easier to do it that way, and to start over from scratch. Problems are too difficult to work on in this relationship, you might tell yourself. She’s not open to a change, you might tell yourself as well. Or, this is just too much work, and I’m not up to the task, you might end with telling yourself.

I think the biggest question you need to consider is are you asking yourself if you want to flee the relationship based out of reactivity and emotion, or is this a rational, well-thought-out plan? For a lot of men, it’s acting out of reactivity and impulsivity, and that might work briefly in the short term, but not in long-term. We are bound to have to deal with this dynamic again, whether we get back together with our partner, or develop a new relationship with someone else. It’ll still be there.

And then, there is the “I should stay for the children” dilemma. I see a lot of couples wanting to hang in there, despite really difficult problems, for the sake of the kids. Some drudge through miserable marriages because they don’t want to expose their children to break up or divorce. Many times, it’s these guys who were those children in the past, and don’t want to do to their family what it is their parents did to them.

Really making a commitment to hang in there and work on the relationship issues, especially if you feel strongly about your partner, is really the first step. Identifying whether you’re wanting to end the relationship out of the emotion, or whether this is a well-thought-out plan, is one question that you could consider.

A lot of times, even the most hopeless situations can improve with some emotional connection, but it can be difficult for men to both connect to their feelings and to be able to listen to some of their partner’s issues with them and not want to fix those issues (which women often don’t respond well to, but do when you’re present and listening).

Is your relationship or marriage worth saving? Do you feel strongly enough about it, and about her, to start to do the heavy lifting to get your relationship back on track? Some guys do; others don’t. I’m not going to lie to you: it does take some work. But, your relationship is worth it, isn’t it?

(Press Release)

13 DAYS OF A MERRY CHRISTMAS…RELATIONSHIP!

Men’s Counselor Jason Fierstein Gives 13 Tips to Help Relationships Survive the Holidays

November 30, 2009- Phoenix, AZ – With the holiday season in full swing, emotions, tempers and tantrums can flare. Jason Fierstein, owner and founder of Phoenix Men’s Counseling, has created 13 humorous but practical tips to help all relationships survive this sometimes tumultuous season.

Tip #1 – Avoid Heat Seeking Land Mines! - Every couple should have a strategy between each other on how to troubleshoot potential road hazards; the father that always criticizes, the perfectionist mother-in-law . Anticipate behavior so you and partner know not be REACTIVE. Remember, alcohol and sugar combined can help set off those land mines.

Tip #2 – Pigskin Planning – Communicate with your partner ahead of time how each social scenario is going to play out. For example, first there will be dinner, then everyone gets up from the table and watches football, then there is an intense discussion of what movie to go see…etc. Let your partner know what to expect so that he/she can anticipate what is going to happen.

Tip #3 – Be A Yes Man – Be a “Yes” man especially if you and your partner are hosting festivities in your home. Be aware that this will be a stressful time for your spouse, girlfriend or partner. Get into customer service mode… you can’t lose with “how can I be of help.”

Tip #4 – Don’t Let Credit Cards Pull Your Sleigh – Have the holiday budget talk with your partner. Sit down and come up with a gift giving strategy. Figure out how much you are going to spend per each person and discuss and agree on the budget before shopping.

Tip #5 – The Holidays Can Gobble You Up – there are so many ways that they holidays can erode good will, just trying to find a parking space in a busy mall, can raise ire and frustration. Allow yourself plenty of time to accomplish the tasks at hand and be mindful of keeping realistic expectations.

Tip #6 – Prevent an FUI – Family Under the Influence – The word libation is a word close to liberation and verbal liberation can cause a lot of family strife. You may get yourself in a verbal situation that can become triggers for old family issues. Make a pact with yourself and your spouse or partner to an alcoholic drink maximum (before drinking begins) and vow to not let others who are drinking push your triggers.

Tip #7 – Does This Dress Make Me Look Fat? – Men need to be sensitive to the fact that a woman’s physical appearance and perceptions are highlighted during the holidays. Be complimentary and sincere…and don’t even think about mentioning any holiday weight gain!

Tip #8 – In Case of An Emergency Break the Glass – have an exit strategy with your partner. A key word, phrase or tug of an ear to let the other know that you are at your family, office or holiday party limit and it is time to go.

Tip #9 – Stay in DMZ (the Demilitarized Zone) – Agree to stay on neutral ground whether with family or co-workers. Don’t ask questions or bring up topics that are going to invite pain or conflict. Remember alcohol exacerbates every situation and often not in a good way.

Tip #10 – Call A Delay of Game – If conflict begins, give yourself five minutes to re-center. Don’t buy into the conflict.

Tip #11 – Saddle Up Your Parenting – if you have children don’t let the kids manipulate you or your spouse or partner.

Tip #12 – Check the Pressure Cooker – check-in with your spouse or partner to make sure the pressure of the holidays isn’t negatively affecting them. Do a status check for depression, loneliness, or despair. Offer help, love and support to offset these attributes.

Tip #13 – Embody Your Inner Jimmy Stewart – “It’s A Wonderful Life” – have an attitude of gratitude, ENJOY family and friends, practice random acts of kindness and remember to CELEBRATE the holiday season.

Jason Fierstein is owner and founder of Phoenix Men’s Counseling which focuses on men’s mental health and relationship and marriage issues. Phoenix Men’s Counseling is located at 668 N. 44^th Street, Suite 300 in Phoenix. For more information, visit www.phoenixmenscounseling.com or call 602-309-0568.

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It’s Springtime. Time to Clean Out That Closet Full O’ Relationship Clutter.

Ahh, March. It’s that time of the year again. Can you believe it? Have you been crossing your fingers hoping for a little bit more cold weather?

At least the annual rituals return: Spring Training, outdoor activities, St. Patty’s, March Madness, and spring cleaning (who, me?). Are you carving out some time to clean your mental closets, too, as well as your shed and closet? What about the other parts of your life – physical, emotional, work, financial?

I like to see this as the 1/4 way time through the year to assess and see how things are going in my life. I tend to get my annual physical around now, check the credit scores out and make sure I’m not a fraud victim, take the car, you know, stuff like that. Life’s maintenance work. It all seems to get worse when I put it off, you know?

Do you have Spring maintenance rituals for yourself? How about taking a temperature check on your relationship or marriage? How is that going these days for you? Not in one currently, you say, and want to be? I say take inventory of the things that you need to get yourself in one.

This edition’s “Mentality” includes:
- Retail Therapy 101 & an interview with a woman who knows (what you don’t) about your woman’s shopping habits
- Office affairs, and why it starts with the heart

So, what’s the biggest issue you’re currently struggling with these days? Would you like to see it appear in a future edition of “Mentality”?

E-mail me with the one elusive problem that is getting under your skin, and that you’d like to see addressed at jfierstein@mac.com. I’d like to write about the things that matter most to you, so send me your ideas. That’s why I write this thing – for you.

(Read more about Jason’s story here: http://phoenixmenscounseling.com/meet-jason.html)

Retail Therapy 101: Playbook for Guys
It might still be the recession, but she’s shopping like it’s 2007.

Do you like killing two birds with one stone? What if you could better your marriage or relationship while saving some money (and sanity)? What guy wouldn’t want to?

For the answers, we seek to understand a common form of self-help – retail therapy. The term was coined by the Chicago Tribune in the 1980′s to describe our culture in this way: “We’ve become a nation measuring out our lives in shopping bags and nursing our psychic ills through retail therapy.”

Retail therapy is shopping with the intention to feel better, or to temporarily alleviate stress, depression or emotional pain. We hide what is wrong in our lives with shopping, and is no different from any other drug when abused and used excessively.

Christy Miller is a Scottsdale-based image consultant, closet coordinator and owner of Desert Flower Does Workable Wardrobes (http://www.desertflowerdoes.com/) and knows what women are really seeking behind the compulsive drive to shop and collect closets full of clothes.

“Women live for affirmations,” says Miller. “We need to hear that we look good.” She observes that “men are visual beings and women are very aware about this. Men need to compliment us, let us know we look good, even if it is small or big, but those compliments are what we feed on – the positive affirmations.” Miller thinks that women that (listen up here, guys) feel good themselves directly affects their positive self-worth.

For Miller, retail therapy is no different from other forms of addiction for women. “It’s just like a drug, that quick fix, (to) feel good shopping for an item that will make them feel good,” she says. “But when they get that fix and have bought and get back home, that fix is taken care of. Once women pay…they most likely leave the store having mixed feelings because they had their ‘fix’ but now the guilt comes along and this is again, just like any kind of addiction.” The thrill is over, and the problems are still there.

So, how can we as men help? Not saying anything at all will keep you in the same place in your marriage – stuck and in the dark. Addressing the issue by simply saying, “You know, I feel really concerned about our finances and about us. Let’s sit down and talk about this.” It can be that simple. Including the “us” makes it better than just “you,” where she feels less alone because it’s just “her” problem. Validating her beauty and her as a person will give her self-esteem that doesn’t come from the stores.

If there are deeper issues that aren’t being addressed, then it might be time to seek marriage or couples counseling to work on the real issues. There’s more to your wife or girlfriend’s unhappiness than meets the eye.

The Office Affair Prevention Manual
Most likely, it’s more about thy heart than about thy loins.

Have you been in a compromising situation at work with a co-worker or boss, and secretly thought about cheating on your mate? Has your office set-up made it easy to have an affair, even if you didn’t act on it? Forty-three percent of workers in the United States say they’ve dated a fellow employee, according to a CNN poll, but exactly how many of those have been married people is not as well understood.

So many more hours are dedicated to the office these days. It makes it much harder to nurture what we’ve got at home with our mates, and to take care of the relationships we already have. Because we spend much time in an close environment like work, there is much more opportunity for work-based relationships to become personal, and then to develop into intimate or sexual relationships. If we end up spending more time in the office than in the home, the rift that separate spouses becomes greater, which encourages infidelity.

But here’s the key: the drive to have a sexual relationship is most often an expression of what’s missing in the original relationship or marriage. We’ve got to fix the problems in the marriage, because this is the foundational solution.

Office affairs are disastrous times three: your job is compromised, your marriage is compromised, and you have to experience the inner hell everywhere you go – work and home. Something has to give, and it’s bound to until some action is taken, by you or someone else.

Here’s four tips to help keep your marriage and prevent you from getting into an office affair:

1. Diagnose the problem in the first place: is there something missing for you in your marriage or relationship? Are you able to hunt down the problem with old-fashioned honesty and self-reflection? Would this require a hear-to-heart with your beloved, before you act on any impulses that you might regret later?

2. Recognize emotions as they are: if you are feeling attracted to someone at the office, make a note of that in your mind. Attraction, or lust, is normal, and everyone experiences it, but when you act on it, it becomes something else.

3. If you love your woman, put yourself in her shoes: Develop empathy for your mate, and ask yourself what they would do or think about any planned infidelities.

4. Get help: seek out professional counseling, either couple or individual. Choose someone you feel most comfortable talking with and can confide in with your secrets.

Until next edition, guys! Enjoy the beginning of Spring, and see you in April.

Jason
Counselor for Men
“The Man That Men Will Talk To.”