Plenty of guys deal with problems with sex. From heavy porn use, to erectile dysfunction, to general intimacy problems with their wives and girlfriends, men struggle with what it means to be sexually intimate. Watch this 2-min. video on Men and Sex Problems, where Jason talks about some of the problems men have with sex.
In your relationship or marriage, maybe you’ve found yourself getting caught up in a rollercoaster-type experience where you and your wife, girlfriend or partner fight for some time, and then all goes back to serenity, and then it happens again and again, with constant repetition and no solution.
Fighting and conflict happen repeatedly, in a cycle format, and usually it’s tough to see what triggers your fall into fighting, conflict and attacks. When we’re in the fighting, we have no perspective. How can we help ourselves get out of it?
We’re going to talk about how to stop conflict and fightingthrough better understanding your negative relationship cycle.
As a fundamental component of the model of couples therapy known as Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), developed by Canadian psychologist Susan Johnson, PhD., identifying your negative cycle consists of looking at certain layers that exist behind the conflict you get into and actually see.
The negative cycle you and your partner get stuck in usually consists of negative behaviors, thoughts, and feelings that causes distress. We get sucked into this “vortex” and have a difficult time seeing ourselves when we get lost in our “cycle.” We often resort to reactive – and hurtful – words, actions and facial gestures when we are upset, needing something from our partner, or not feeling connected or understood.
When you get lost in conflict, look out for these things that you might be doing to aggravate your negative cycle:
Here’s a free worksheet on identifying your negative relationship cycle. Download and print two copies, one for you and one for your partner or spouse. Open up a conversation around your results, and you might be really pleasantly surprised. And you might just surprise her, too.
For further help, read Sue Johnson’s “Hold Me Tight,” an excellent read to help you start to make sense of this confounding cycle.
For couples already in relationship crisis, alcohol can fuel the fire pretty quickly. If there are problems already underlying a relationship or marriage, alcohol can surely make everything worse.
For men, who can often binge drink for drink to excess, alcohol takes the lid off of our emotions, which are usually held in check in our sober lives. Men have a difficult time dealing with emotions already, and alcohol has an effect of drudging up those negative emotions, bringing them to the surface, and amplifying them under the influence of alcohol. If we have repressed emotions or thoughts concerning our relationship partner, alcohol gives us the freedom to express those in a big way, often to the dismay of our partner.
What’s worse, when those unexpressed emotions or thoughts do come out at a relationship partner, it’s usually in a social setting, such as at a party, a bar, or another place that would generally be inappropriate to hash it all out. Furthermore, we are not in the right state of mind to have an argument–were not thinking clearly, and were inebriated and irrational. There can be no good that comes from an argument or fight under the influence of alcohol, yet most couples get into fighting when they’re drunk. This is making a bad situation worse.
Being able to communicate and talk about the problems between you and your partner is very important, so as those issues that have been repressed or not talked about don’t spring open when you people been drinking together. The point of drinking together is to enjoy each other’s company and have fun, not to open up the powder keg and start drunk fighting in front of all your friends. learning to identify and work through the problems in an ongoing way, so they don’t build up and come out only when you both were drinking, is certainly a way to help de-pressurize the relationship problems between you and your loved one. Limiting the amount of alcohol that you both consume together is also going to help, or simply having an understanding before you go out drinking about how much you’re going to drink so there’s no surprises.
Many problems that seem sexually based in a relationship or marriage are actually more interpersonally-based that would appear. Many times, conflict, fighting and distance between partners is often the basis for sexual problems that develop between lovers. We’re going to talk about some of those “behind the scenes” issues that negatively affect your sexual performance or connection. Here we go:
1. Fighting and conflict: When you’re engaged in fighting with your wife or girlfriend (or partner), and bad blood is generated, it’s really hard to feel connected to them on any level, including sexually. It may be easier for men to want to engage in sex, but for women, sex is much more than the physical act. Women need to know that their guy loves them, cares for them, and is emotionally attuned to them. Fighting and conflict dampen the sexual connection, and can leave a couple listless and uninspired for sex. Work on working out the issues you need to be for sex, so that the connection is felt on a deeper level.
2. Performance anxiety: For a lot of guys, this is fairly common, especially in new relationships and for younger guys. Guys set certain standards for themselves as sexual partners, and when they do that, they almost guarantee themselves for failure. We may want to be the most sexually adventurous person on Earth, or the best lover that she’s ever had, but by setting such high standards for ourselves, we end up disappointing ourselves ( and possibly her). Try to relax, practice breathing exercises, and try to stay focused on the present moment enjoyment of the act itself. If you focus on your performance, you’re actually not very present. The best sexual performance is being present in the moment, and your partner will appreciate that a lot more.
3. Lack of communication, inside and outside of the bedroom: Sex is all about communication, and if there is problematic communication or none at all, especially around sex, your sexual connection may wane. Communication is vitally important to the health of the overall relationship, but when it comes to sex, it’s critical. Learning to start communicating what you need sexually, and what you like, is important in developing the sexual connection with your partner. Without it, sex becomes perfunctory, uninspiring and, well, just plain boring. Knowing what you want, and like, knowing how do communicate that to your partner in a way that they understand will help ensure for a more satisfying (and varied) sexual life. Risk opening up and sharing some personal thoughts or sexual fantasies that you got, and in that risk just may pay dividends.
4. Sexual confidence: For a lot of guys, competence is a huge issue in general, not just sexually. Women want men to be overall confident, and sexual confidence is just an extension of that. Women specifically want men to step up the assertive factor sexually. Some women that I talk to in counseling say that they wish their husbands and boyfriends would be more sexually assertive with them, and learn to make more of the first moves towards them. They say that they get tired of waiting or feeling like they have to initiate sex first, and want to know that their guy buys in a little more. Again, sex is an extension of other things, and taking the sexual initiative is not unlike taking the initiative with cooking, cleaning, supporting your wife or girlfriend, or taking the initiative to take care of yourself. They all communicate to her that she’s wanted, loved, and still attractive to you. She needs your validation, love and affirmation, sexually and otherwise.
5. Energy problems: Plenty of things can chip away at our energy levels: kids, workloads, stress, alcohol, depression, marital problems, and just general fatigue. Learning how to keep your energy high is laying the foundation for sexual success. understanding your unique energy patterns throughout the day and making lifestyle changes will help keep your energy flying high consistently. Choosing the right foods, adding good sleep, staying away from alcohol and tobacco, practicing daily stress management and relaxation techniques, having a social support system of friends and family, and learning how to communicate when you’re stressed are all really important things that you can do to generate more energy that will positively affect you in mind and body.
These tips are designed to help tackle some of the possible sexual problems in your relationship or marriage. If you suspect that there are physical or medical problems that need attention, please consult your primary care doctor. Many sexual problems are medically based, and these tips won’t work for you if you’re having those types of problems. Learning how to develop a sexual relationship with your partner is a relationship over time. You’re learning what works, and what doesn’t, to stay at your most optimal and to develop a sexual connection with the woman you love.
With the proliferation of smartphones and social media, cheating and infidelity have found their new 21st Century outlets. Many couples embroiled in the difficult and devastating effects of marital infidelity, or cheating, have found their spouse to be texting another man or woman, or to have rekindling or developing a relationship on a social media site like Facebook.
Cheating online is such a loaded issue. Often times, suspecting spouses or partners have to act on “their gut” when they attempt to uncover their partner’s extramarital or extrarelationship behaviors. A lot of times, that instinctive feeling is confirmed when the partner finds incriminating (and often highly sexually suggestive) evidence on their phones, or in their social media accounts. A lot of times a partner has password access to the other’s e-mail box, and going against what they know better to do, they start the investigative process to procure that evidence against their cheating spouse.
As far as online “flirting” while engaged in another relationship, it’s really a slippery slope. Flirting is still transmitting sexual energy, in an indirect way, to someone else other than the one you love. It says something about one’s “leaky” sexual energy that’s not being channeled into the primary relationship, which is indicative of possible intimacy problems. I know a lot of people say that “well, I’m just a flirtatious person.” Again, it’s hard to say, but this is a socially acceptable way of saying that we are giving people are sexual energy through our communication or behaviors. Men think abotu sex all day, and fantasize about having sex with lots of women. It doesn’t mean we, as men, need to incorporate those fantasies into behaviors that undermine our self-control and our original relationships.
But does it mean that social media and texting promotes more cheating and infidelity? My opinion is no. My thinking is that if a partner is wanting badly enough to act on extramarital feelings, they’ll do it. Facebook and text messaging merely provide the convenient vehicles, unfortunately. People will find a way to cheat if they’re so inclined.
Unfortunately, these digital vehicles provide cheaters with way better technology than they were used to before. We’re reunited with long-lost boyfriends and girlfriends from our youth, ranging from high school crushes to college sweethearts to past office romances. Even if we “don’t mean to” start something romantic up with someone, if our desire is there to do it, we might do it. If we happen to be trolling the same sites over and over again when we’re surfing (Facebook, craigslist, Twitter), chances are that were going to continue to put ourselves in the same uncompromising position over and over again. I hear from a lot of partners that their behavior is “innocent,” and that its curiosity to them why their partner is fearful or doesn’t trust them. The threshold erodes and gets lower with each encounter, and soon, the cheating behaviors may be the next logical step for some.
Choosing to communicate in these ways surely has negative effects. If we find ourselves hiding communication from our partner, and not wanting to disclose that digital relationship with the one that’s closest to us, we may have a problem. By using
social media sites for more than just entertainment, because were lonely, angry at our spouse, or not feeling affirmed or wanted by our partner, we end up transmitting and bleeding out sexual energy over the Internet. We may not “mean to do this,” but if we are unfulfilled emotionally or sexually, that energy is necessarily going to come out in way that we interact, whether that’s over the Internet or live in person with someone.
Here’s some tips to help you if you’re not sure if you’re starting to cheat online:
Cheating and infidelity have been here long before the advent of the Internet, social media, smart phones and text messaging. In the future, with even newer technology, cheating and infidelity will find a home there, too. It comes down to us, as the individuals in relationships, to help ourselves, and to start to identify if we’re starting the slippery slope towards cheating and infidelity in our own relationship.
On Monday, our post was about how men can do things to feel more supported by their wife or girlfriend. In today’s post, we’ll look at the reverse trend: guys who are unsupportive of their wives or girlfriends.
Women complain that they, too, don’t feel supported by their guy, and there’s a difference in what women want from men. A big difference.
While men generally feel like they’re being supportive, it’s the kind of support that they offer that might be falling short for some women. I hear all the time, “If my guy knew, really knew, how to support me, I wouldn’t be on his case so much. He should be able to do it on his own, without me telling him to do what I want him to do.”
Men generally want to make their wives and girlfriends happy. Sometimes, they simply don’t know what that looks like. They have the desire to support, and are eager to please, but men can’t read women’s minds. I know a lot of guys say that they really don’t know what their women want, and this can be true in some circumstances. Men need specific directions to act. We need operating manuals, or step-by-step directions, and in the realm of the emotional, men are often first-time navigators.
Meeting the emotional needs of women is something that is difficult for the majority of men. Read: most men. Guys want to support their wives and girlfriends emotionally, yet lack the tools, and sometimes the patience, to understand. Instead, men resort to doing, which is different from being (or being present/listening deeply). Men know how to do; women know how to be – this is an often difficult bridge for guys to cross. Men want to solve problems for women, as they’re so good at in many other capacities in their lives, yet in the relationship realm, they fall short.
Understanding that ‘to do’ is being supportive for many men, and empathizing with your guy about his determination to please you, to support you, is how he knows how to do it for now. It doesn’t mean that he can’t be attuned to support your emotional needs. Men are emotional beings, too, and can learn the way of their emotions, but it takes time and patience. Especially from those they fully support.
Through many conversations with women and dating coaches, stories of disgruntled men trying to keep dates going with a woman often come up. Guys try their hardest, think things are going well, and then – bam – it’s over. “How did that happen? Things were going so well?” you might ask yourself. Or, “She seems to have just kind of lost interest in me.” The dating post-mortem is usually difficult to assess: “was it something I did?” “Did she seem to like me?” “Did I see the signs?” “Was there just no “chemistry?”
Dating is hard enough without shooting yourself in the foot first. There are different behaviors that us guys can unknowingly get into – between dates one and the end – that drive disgruntled women away. So, first off, knowing what these behaviors are is one thing; taking a look in the mirror, and working to change some of these possibly repellant behaviors is something else.
The early dating stages are a testy time. They’re like a petri-dish, and it’s a process of observation to see if there will be relationship germination. Wouldn’t it be great if you could control some of the factors involved in it’s growth (and, no, I don’t think you’re bacteria).
Let’s take a look at some of those red flag raising behaviors. In the spirit of promoting more successful dating for men, here are the most repugnant ways guys chase women away while dating (or the “what not to do” list).
There are surely 1,001 other red flags we could talk about, but I tried to come up with the big ones for you. These, at the worst, could communicate to her that you’re a stalker, and at the least, could communicate that your psychological or emotional issues have gotten the best of you and there’s emotional seepage. If that’s the case, seek some help for the things that may be undermining your chances of dating success, because you don’t know what you don’t know.
Women do enjoy nice dinners and fun companionship, and are attracted to these things, but they’re more repelled by red flag behaviors. Consider if you might be doing some of these things, and make the changes that will help fortify your successful dating practice.
