Intimacy is a tricky subject for many guys. When we think of intimacy, sexual intimacy usually comes to mind. But the intimacy that your wife, girlfriend or partner may need in your relationship is quite different.

To be intimate – for many women – means being able to connect with them through your emotions. Where men stumble is thinking that to be intimate means doing, showing or providing for their partners. For guys, a common misperception is that taking care of their wives or girlfriends though buying them things or providing for them materially is how we care for them. It’s baffling to think that our wives and girlfriends are unhappy with us when we keep trying to get it right with them, and end up feeling like we’ve failed.

Emotional connection for men is difficult, but you get further away from the emotional connection when you convince yourself that you’re doing what you can to try to care for your partner by doing things (e.g. fixing things around the house, planning events or vacations or simply being the great breadwinner that you are). What I hear from frustrated women is that, ultimately, they want to feel close and connected to their partner in an emotional way, and guys can’t get to this place by better planning, fixing or breadwinning.

• Stop trying to fix your way through intimacy. It probably won’t work
• Try to stay open to listening to your wife, girlfriend or partner without being defensive
• Stay open to feedback and constructive criticism
• Know that you are indeed successful as a boyfriend, husband, father, breadwinner, etc., and that you’re not a failure at intimacy, but it may require changing your perspective
• Try talking with your partner about your feelings or emotions: try to stay vulnerable with your partner, even if it means not doing anything at all – simply listening and being present in a conversation.
• Ask for validation from your partner for the things you’re doing well, such as being supportive and caring to her, being a good provider, etc.
• Ask for it verbally from her, instead of assuming she should just know to give it to you.

When they don’t feel intimate emotionally with you, women may withdraw sexually or physically from you. They may chase and pursue you – even resorting to criticizing you and invalidating you – but their longing to connect emotionally with you is what’s driving that reactive behavior. Your sex life may be problematic is there’s an emotional disconnection or intimacy problem between you.

Talking about problems that are present within the relationship is another good way to reset with your partner and develop better emotional intimacy, and, consequently, better sexual intimacy. Too often, the problems and issues that we have in our relationships get hidden away and relegated to the sidelines through avoidance, fear, compartmentalization and avoidance, especially for men. Try something new: open up to your partner about the problems you’re having with them. If you take the risk, and communicate it from your own experience (“I” statements”) instead of attack or criticize them, you may be surprised with the results. You may find a better, more intimate relationship waiting for you in the end.

Many guys I talk with don’t really know what they want sexually, and don’t know how to communicate sexually with their partner. Often times, a discomfort or fear about talking about sex prevents partners from really talking and connecting during sex. Unfortunately, communication problems around sex can lead to other forms of disconnection in the general relationship or marriage. Having a healthy sexual life includes being able to communicate your sexual desires and responses in a way that your partner can understand them, and attempts to meet those needs.

Knowing what you want sexually is the first start. Many guys say they just want more sex, which is fine, and don’t require as much attention to detail as their wives or girlfriends do. For women, on the other hand, sex is more about intimacy and connection, which necessarily includes communication. The guys that are able to communicate their sexual needs clearly what their partners are the partners who find themselves having richer and more meaningful sexual lives.

Being able to take a risk and indicate with your partner about what you want sexually from them is the second step. Often times, negative messages about sex tend to fill this space and prevent us from saying what we really want. It’s important to talk with our partners about what we want sexually, but just as important to talk about our fears and inhibitions. For men, a universal theme around sex is performance. Men want to know that they’re a high sexual performer, or that they’re able to please their partner in a way that makes them feel good and happy with them. In general, men want to know that they can please their wives and make them happy in their marriages and relationships. Sex is just an extension of that. Men want to know that they can please their wives sexually, as well as feel please themselves.

When it comes to performance anxiety (see last blog post on sexual problems and performance anxiety), guys set their performance standards too high, and sometimes fail them. Being able to talk with their partners about their fears about being a good sexual partner, and checking out what their partner what it is that they expect of them as their sexual partner, are important ways to break the ice and start communicating in a deeper way.

Here are more tips on how to more effectively to  communicate sexually with your partner:

• Know what feels good, and what doesn’t feel good, and take a risk and communicating with your partner.
• Talk about fantasies with your partner that you’ve been harboring in your mind; shall be happy that you did
• Create variety in your sex life, and in your relationship in general; sometimes, boring sex life is representative of hitting a boring patch in your relationship in general.
• Tune in and listen to what she wants more. Chances are good that she has some sexual desires that could use your attention, and listening more intently to what she’s interested in will deepen your sexual connection.
• Talk about your sexual pasts together, to the extent that you’re both comfortable with. Many times, guys really don’t want to hear this from their woman, but what I’m talking about is talking about the general issues. Talk about fears growing up about sex, messages that each got about sex, how sex was discussed in the family, and start to make the topic of sex a more approachable subject for both of you. You don’t necessarily need to go into the  fine details about each other’s previous sexual endeavors.

Creating a healthy sex life is a direct function of creating better and deeper to vacation with your partner. Consider some of these tips if you’re wanting to improve your overall sexual life.

It’s certainly to stereotype men to say that they’re afraid of counseling, self-help, or any other growth-promoting task. In an age of Dr. Phil, Oprah, Eckhart Tolle, and others, the psycho-spiritual consciousness has been raised, and so have the stakes. More is expected of men, and men may simply not be ready to get the help that culture, and their partners, expect them to get.

Historically, this pressure to self-actualize has not been apparent: traditional roles of men were more clearly laid out. Men fulfilled the breadwinner role, and knew what to expect of themselves in marriage. There was no need for emotional disclosure, or “connection” with their wives. Men simply didn’t do it, and women didn’t expect it of them. Depression, although still a phenomenon decades early, hadn’t been given the same legitimacy as it has been in recent years, thanks to Big Pharma and antidepressant medications. The cultural pressure, and subsequent pressure on men by their spouses and loved ones, is much greater now, and many men aren’t well equipped to deal with the pressure, or their own problems in general.

David Wexler, Ph.D, author of “Men in Therapy”, identifies several factors that inhibit men from taking action and getting the counseling help that they need (also Noyes, 2007).

1. Men can often go several years contemplating making a change, so the decision to finally get to therapy is a truly difficult one.
2. For a lot of guys, they aren’t educated about what therapy truly is. Often times, men get their ideas about therapy from the media, or from people they trust, but still lack understanding about how counseling really goes. A lot of men have confusion about the strange process of counseling, and what actually happens in it. It’s vague, and some men need better definition, and a better sense of knowing what they’re getting into.
3. Anxiety is a factor in not going. Wexler mentions that it takes men a large amount of emotional energy for them to actually get in the door for an initial session.
4. Even though some men (Noyes study, 2007) reported positive experiences in the therapy room, they still indicated that they would rather be able to take care of their own problems and not seek counseling again.
5. Being stigmatized is a real fear for guys. They don’t want to be thought of or labeled “crazy”, “problematic”, “dependent” or “unsuccessful”. These are real threats to some men’s identities.
6. There’s also the fear of being changed against his will by the counselor or therapy experience. They “worry that some fundamental aspect of themselves will be stripped away” (Wexler, 2009).
7. The fear of not being understood by the counselor or therapist, especially by being labeled clinically or just not truly empathized with.

There are plenty of barriers to counseling, but sometimes the weight of unattended issues and problems is just too great to bear. Phoenix Men’s Counseling understands these things, and wants to help you with the things that are burdening you. It takes a lot of investment to get help: admitting that there’s a problem, asking for help, summoning the resources to come into counseling. It takes a lot to get here. Men aren’t used to doing this, and sometimes, we simply don’t have the tools that we need for functioning the best that we can, in our lives, relationship, work settings, or as being the best parents we can be.

If you’re looking for Phoenix, Tempe, or Scottsdale therapists, and you’re a guy, give us a call. We’d like to help. Or feel free to book an online consultation through our website, using the big green button at the top of the page. We look forward to serving you.

For a lot of guys, relationships are tough work. They require a lot of time, energy, attention and patience. Plenty of guys struggle in their relationships, whether at home, work or in their personal lives. On the whole, men have a hard time communicating what they want, expressing frustration. They fumble trying to understand their wives, girlfriends, dates, and fiancees. In dealing with themselves, a lot of guys don’t know about what’s happening with their own selves. What’s a guy to do?

Phoenix Men’s Counseling presents our Men + Relationships Group, dedicated to helping guys like you have happier, more successful relationships and lives. Our men’s group counseling has a lot to offer you.

Why Join?

• Develop tools and skills to better your life, work and relationships
• Improve the relationship with yourself, and increase positive self-esteem
• Work on your relationship between sex and connection with women
• Deal more effectively with the difficult people in your life
• Get lots of feedback and support from other guys who’ve been there, too
• Feel like you’re winning in your intimate relationships again
• Safe, unbiased, third party perspective

What to Expect:

• 15 weeks long | $60 per group
• Located at the Chinese Cultural Center in Phoenix, off of the 202
• Convenient afterwork hours for your busy schedule
• Not a religious or recovery group
• Monday evenings 7-9 PM
• Starts September 6th, 2010 – sign up now!

Contact us today to reserve your spot. We’re keeping it limited to 10 men, so contact us today. Come join other guys just like you for an experience you’ll not forget. Where guys really talk.

(An initial individual intake and screening will be required prior to the group’s start, for an additional fee.)

(This article I wrote originally appeared in the Jewish News of Greater Phoenix, May 21st, 2010 edition)

In the movie “It’s Complicated,” Meryl Streep plays Jane, an ex-wife who falls prey to the seductive suggestions of her narcissistic ex-husband, Jake, played by (who else but) Alec Baldwin. The other suitor, Adam (Steve Martin), has only his nice-guy disposition to offer Jane, and is that enough? It’s her job to get her head straight and pick the right one. Of course, we all know who she chooses – this is Hollywood – but real dating is something else.

Considering the dating process, watching the movie got me thinking about how we sometimes say we want one thing, but we’re really feeling something quite different inside. Sometimes, we’re saying we want a good date, or a good man or woman, but we’re still holding onto our past pain and hurt in our hearts. Our dating behavior, and our hearts, then end up split. Going out into the dating world, we communicate mixed messages to the people we go out with. We become unpredictable and erratic, both to ourselves and to our potential partners when it comes to commitment or healthy decision-making. We don’t know what we want, or aren’t listening to ourselves, so how do we expect others to?

It’s hard to really be invested in the dating process when we’re closed off to love. If we take a step back and look objectively at our situation, it’s often our minds saying we want growth and a new partner, yet our hearts are filled with a lot of fear and pain about having been burned before. Sometimes we haven’t worked through the emotions and grief associated with a previous relationship’s heartbreak, and every new dating experience may then accumulate the thin residue of that broken heart.

Months or years can go by, and we can stay stuck where we are. Love is passing us by, and we feel helpless to stop it. We want the happiness associated with love and partnership, but still want to blame the opposite sex for being goofy or cruel. Not that they can’t be, but to keep the conversation stuck there is to not admit what we can do to change our current situation. We fail to take responsibility for ourselves, especially for clearing out the emotional blockage.

I’m not saying there aren’t certain negative truths about dating, because there certainly are. Frustration, confusion and anger are often byproducts of the crazy nature of dating, but we can work through those if we want love, and want to stay open to letting love in. Dating is not an easy process whatsoever, especially if you’re coming into the dating scene after many years of being committed. It can be scary and alienating, and might make you question what you got yourself into. It can leave us questioning many fundamental things about ourselves.

Clearing the emotional blocks to our happiness is a hard task. It requires introspection and a little hard work. It means letting go of some of the types of thoughts that have employed our misery. It’s easier said than done, of course, but sometimes we need to work through the grief that someone has left us, or worse, abandoned us for someone else. We have to work on our own well-being and worthiness, and boost our own dating self-esteem. Because for every stereotypical guy or girl – for every Jake – there is an Adam out there.

For the last week, I’ve been learning a new form of couples therapy to expand the marriage and couples counseling I do. Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT) was designed by Canadian psychologist Sue Johnson, Ph.D. This response to couples’ work will be very instrumental to me and my practice in helping more couples out of distress, fighting, and breaking old, negative patterns that they get stuck in.

EFT describes three major shifts in it’s approach. First, the EFT couples counselor and the couple work together to identify the negative cycle that the couple has been stuck in. The cycle is seen as something different from the two partners who’ve originated it: it’s identified and depersonalized from any one person, thus helping a struggling couple work together to become aware of it, and minimize it. The cycle – after being identified – is then de-escalated, with the help of the couples therapist.

The next objective of EFT couples counseling is to help the identified “withdrawer” in the couple (often the man, but not always) re-engage in the marriage or relationship. Basically, the more withdrawn partner (emotional or behavioral withdrawal) begins to become more engaged in the relationship at this point.

Third, EFT helps to “soften the blamer” in the relationship. This is when the previously hostile relationship partner (often times the partner who is more active) risks expressing their vulnerabilities and unmet needs.

EFT is based on attachment theory, a model of psychology that says that everyone is wired socially, and we need healthy, functional ways to attach to others for our survival. Often times, those attachment relationships growing up were compromised, and the way we sometimes ineffectively seek to meet our needs creates problems in our relationships or marriage. EFT helps to identify these needs, emotions and behavioral patterns that we get stuck in.

I’m excited to start to help more struggling couples with this form of counseling. It seems to be very promising, and research-supported, and welcome you to call my practice for more information about EFT couples work to help your relationship or marriage.

In relationships – intimate or otherwise – your single greatest weapon for success is communication. We have so much power in our hands with good communication, and we don’t even know it.

So many relationships end, or fade out, because communication sours or stops. Family members stop talking because of some ancient grudge from some relative’s wedding way back when. Marriages end because of issues that could have been worked out with clearer communication. Work relationships fail because we didn’t quiet mean to say what we said to our boss, and in our fiery impulsivity, leads to us getting fired.

We get in our own way when we communicate ineffectively. If we’re failing to state our needs and feelings, then we’re probably not getting what we want. If we’re not listening to what the other says, including when they have a problem with us, we’re ensuring a problematic conversation. If we’re not in touch with what we want, they others will have no clue about how to meet our needs.

For men, shutting down their anger is a universal issue every guy seems to deal with. Some guys explode; other guys stuff it in. Ineffectively dealing with anger is big time related to poor communication. A lot of guys are afraid of their own anger, or are afraid if they communicate it to the person they’re upset with, that person will reject them (e.g. their wife/girlfriend). Some guys are so busy people pleasing, that they would rather take care of other people’s needs instead of take care of their own. Over time, this builds up lots of anger, and it’ll come out in harmful ways.

The other thing on anger: it’s o.k. to be angry and communicate it. If you’re angry, it doesn’t mean you’re “that” guy, the jerk no one wants to be around. Being angry once doesn’t mean it becomes your identity. This is an important difference. Too many guys get afraid of being “that guy”, and stuff their anger further.

Here’s the skinny on what works and doesn’t work in good communication:

What works?

• Learning how to state your needs and feelings directly (first with yourself)
• Being open to your feelings
• Communicating your anger directly, not passively; don’t hold it in – it’ll corrode you
• Listen, and really hear what the other person is saying
• Get in touch with what you want from the person, and request it instead of demand it from them

And what doesn’t work?

• Criticizing others; they’ll shut down – guaranteed
• Judging others
• Acting superior to others
• Making demands upon others
• Using “always” and “never” with others
• Rehashing history with someone, and using it as ammo against them
• Passive-aggressive behavior (like saying “I’m not mad at you,” but acting mad at them in other ways)