Plenty of guys deal with problems with sex. From heavy porn use, to erectile dysfunction, to general intimacy problems with their wives and girlfriends, men struggle with what it means to be sexually intimate. Watch this 2-min. video on Men and Sex Problems, where Jason talks about some of the problems men have with sex.
Many problems that seem sexually based in a relationship or marriage are actually more interpersonally-based that would appear. Many times, conflict, fighting and distance between partners is often the basis for sexual problems that develop between lovers. We’re going to talk about some of those “behind the scenes” issues that negatively affect your sexual performance or connection. Here we go:
1. Fighting and conflict: When you’re engaged in fighting with your wife or girlfriend (or partner), and bad blood is generated, it’s really hard to feel connected to them on any level, including sexually. It may be easier for men to want to engage in sex, but for women, sex is much more than the physical act. Women need to know that their guy loves them, cares for them, and is emotionally attuned to them. Fighting and conflict dampen the sexual connection, and can leave a couple listless and uninspired for sex. Work on working out the issues you need to be for sex, so that the connection is felt on a deeper level.
2. Performance anxiety: For a lot of guys, this is fairly common, especially in new relationships and for younger guys. Guys set certain standards for themselves as sexual partners, and when they do that, they almost guarantee themselves for failure. We may want to be the most sexually adventurous person on Earth, or the best lover that she’s ever had, but by setting such high standards for ourselves, we end up disappointing ourselves ( and possibly her). Try to relax, practice breathing exercises, and try to stay focused on the present moment enjoyment of the act itself. If you focus on your performance, you’re actually not very present. The best sexual performance is being present in the moment, and your partner will appreciate that a lot more.
3. Lack of communication, inside and outside of the bedroom: Sex is all about communication, and if there is problematic communication or none at all, especially around sex, your sexual connection may wane. Communication is vitally important to the health of the overall relationship, but when it comes to sex, it’s critical. Learning to start communicating what you need sexually, and what you like, is important in developing the sexual connection with your partner. Without it, sex becomes perfunctory, uninspiring and, well, just plain boring. Knowing what you want, and like, knowing how do communicate that to your partner in a way that they understand will help ensure for a more satisfying (and varied) sexual life. Risk opening up and sharing some personal thoughts or sexual fantasies that you got, and in that risk just may pay dividends.
4. Sexual confidence: For a lot of guys, competence is a huge issue in general, not just sexually. Women want men to be overall confident, and sexual confidence is just an extension of that. Women specifically want men to step up the assertive factor sexually. Some women that I talk to in counseling say that they wish their husbands and boyfriends would be more sexually assertive with them, and learn to make more of the first moves towards them. They say that they get tired of waiting or feeling like they have to initiate sex first, and want to know that their guy buys in a little more. Again, sex is an extension of other things, and taking the sexual initiative is not unlike taking the initiative with cooking, cleaning, supporting your wife or girlfriend, or taking the initiative to take care of yourself. They all communicate to her that she’s wanted, loved, and still attractive to you. She needs your validation, love and affirmation, sexually and otherwise.
5. Energy problems: Plenty of things can chip away at our energy levels: kids, workloads, stress, alcohol, depression, marital problems, and just general fatigue. Learning how to keep your energy high is laying the foundation for sexual success. understanding your unique energy patterns throughout the day and making lifestyle changes will help keep your energy flying high consistently. Choosing the right foods, adding good sleep, staying away from alcohol and tobacco, practicing daily stress management and relaxation techniques, having a social support system of friends and family, and learning how to communicate when you’re stressed are all really important things that you can do to generate more energy that will positively affect you in mind and body.
These tips are designed to help tackle some of the possible sexual problems in your relationship or marriage. If you suspect that there are physical or medical problems that need attention, please consult your primary care doctor. Many sexual problems are medically based, and these tips won’t work for you if you’re having those types of problems. Learning how to develop a sexual relationship with your partner is a relationship over time. You’re learning what works, and what doesn’t, to stay at your most optimal and to develop a sexual connection with the woman you love.
If we look closely enough, we find that a lot of our behavior we can trace back to messages that we received growing up from our families of origin, or, more specifically, from our parents. As small children, our parents are our original models, and we learn about how the world works from them.
A lot of those messages we need to incorporate into our worldview for survival. Unfortunately, many of those messages are outdated, and continue to run like tapes in our brain. Those outdated tapes may continue to play on loop, and our behaviors, emotions, and thoughts are a product of those repeating messages. The relationships that we get into as adults are, in some part, formed from those outdated tapes. We learn plenty of good things from our parents about relationships; we also learn plenty of things that just don’t help us.
Challenging your family of origin messages, or those negative tapes, is the first step towards awareness and waking up to the fact that those tapes or messages can be changed.
Specifically, a lot of our ways of thinking about critical issues come from our parents: money, sex, intimacy, gender roles, professional images, how we fight in relationships, and all types of negative behaviors. We incorporate those messages into our experiences, and have varying degrees of awareness about them.
For men, a lot of the messages about stuffing your emotions, the message that “real men don’t cry”, and about learning how to withdraw, come from having learned those behaviors from a parent growing up, often times from a guys dad. When we get conscious of those messages, we try to fight them, and sometimes succeed, and sometimes don’t. We often live in overcompensation mode, where we’ll “work harder, be better, be kinder, make more money,” and everything against what a parent did originally.
We have to challenge your family of origin messages to be able to grow up on our own. As long as we carry within us negative family of origin messages that are outdated, we stay stuck in the past and don’t consider alternative ways of being, and lose out on the chance to grow through those messages.
If we’re wanting to develop more confidence and better self-esteem, we have to deal with those early messages that communicated to us that we’re not good enough. If we want to develop healthier lifestyle choices, it may be that we have to face some ways of being that we’ve taken for granted, and have learned from our parents over the years. If we want to learn how to be a better money manager, it may benefit us to take a look at the internalized family tapes that play around money and the problems that result.
Challenging your family of origin messages is difficult. Many times, men stay complacent and don’t really challenge the status quo, where those tapes lie. If we can learn to become aware of some of those negative messages that play, we weaken certain challenge them and incorporate new messages that really will work for us. Change is difficult, and sometimes submitting to those early messages is just more convenient. The promise of being set free through shedding those messages is a promise you can’t afford not to make.
For the last week, I’ve been learning a new form of couples therapy to expand the marriage and couples counseling I do. Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT) was designed by Canadian psychologist Sue Johnson, Ph.D. This response to couples’ work will be very instrumental to me and my practice in helping more couples out of distress, fighting, and breaking old, negative patterns that they get stuck in.
EFT describes three major shifts in it’s approach. First, the EFT couples counselor and the couple work together to identify the negative cycle that the couple has been stuck in. The cycle is seen as something different from the two partners who’ve originated it: it’s identified and depersonalized from any one person, thus helping a struggling couple work together to become aware of it, and minimize it. The cycle – after being identified – is then de-escalated, with the help of the couples therapist.
The next objective of EFT couples counseling is to help the identified “withdrawer” in the couple (often the man, but not always) re-engage in the marriage or relationship. Basically, the more withdrawn partner (emotional or behavioral withdrawal) begins to become more engaged in the relationship at this point.
Third, EFT helps to “soften the blamer” in the relationship. This is when the previously hostile relationship partner (often times the partner who is more active) risks expressing their vulnerabilities and unmet needs.
EFT is based on attachment theory, a model of psychology that says that everyone is wired socially, and we need healthy, functional ways to attach to others for our survival. Often times, those attachment relationships growing up were compromised, and the way we sometimes ineffectively seek to meet our needs creates problems in our relationships or marriage. EFT helps to identify these needs, emotions and behavioral patterns that we get stuck in.
I’m excited to start to help more struggling couples with this form of counseling. It seems to be very promising, and research-supported, and welcome you to call my practice for more information about EFT couples work to help your relationship or marriage.
In relationships – intimate or otherwise – your single greatest weapon for success is communication. We have so much power in our hands with good communication, and we don’t even know it.
So many relationships end, or fade out, because communication sours or stops. Family members stop talking because of some ancient grudge from some relative’s wedding way back when. Marriages end because of issues that could have been worked out with clearer communication. Work relationships fail because we didn’t quiet mean to say what we said to our boss, and in our fiery impulsivity, leads to us getting fired.
We get in our own way when we communicate ineffectively. If we’re failing to state our needs and feelings, then we’re probably not getting what we want. If we’re not listening to what the other says, including when they have a problem with us, we’re ensuring a problematic conversation. If we’re not in touch with what we want, they others will have no clue about how to meet our needs.
For men, shutting down their anger is a universal issue every guy seems to deal with. Some guys explode; other guys stuff it in. Ineffectively dealing with anger is big time related to poor communication. A lot of guys are afraid of their own anger, or are afraid if they communicate it to the person they’re upset with, that person will reject them (e.g. their wife/girlfriend). Some guys are so busy people pleasing, that they would rather take care of other people’s needs instead of take care of their own. Over time, this builds up lots of anger, and it’ll come out in harmful ways.
The other thing on anger: it’s o.k. to be angry and communicate it. If you’re angry, it doesn’t mean you’re “that” guy, the jerk no one wants to be around. Being angry once doesn’t mean it becomes your identity. This is an important difference. Too many guys get afraid of being “that guy”, and stuff their anger further.
Here’s the skinny on what works and doesn’t work in good communication:
What works?
And what doesn’t work?
