The traditional way to making decisions may be slightly outdated. For men, we’re used to making quick decisions based on fact, reason, and experience. We make decisions everyday, and when those decisions prove correct, it reinforces our sense of being smart and in control. But, what if there are decisions we just can’t make with our heads, like whether to stay or go in a bad relationship, or how to learn to connect emotionally with our partner?

No Guts, No Glory

Learning to “tune in” to that “gut feeling” is difficult, because what’s happening is that you’re tuning into emotions. Emotions are not logical, and men get hung up on logic to get out of difficult situations. When your gut (whether that’s your actual stomach, heart or some other place in your body), starts “glowing” and trying to communicate to you, do you listen, or tend to ignore it? Try listening to it, and try to suspend “rationality” for a minute or two. What would happen if you actually acted on what your gut was trying to tell you?

The Brain and the Gut

Researchers at the Centre for Organizational Strategy, Learning and Change at Leeds University Business School have the science to back it up. They conclude that intuition is the brain pulling on our previous experiences and external cues to make a decision, but the decision is largely unconscious and below our awareness.  What we’re left with, and what we then experience, is our awareness of a general feeling that something is right or wrong.

Missed Opportunities, or Not?

When you don’t tune into your gut, you may be making decisions you’ll later regret. Sometimes, we look back on decisions we should have made, “only if we’d have listened to our gut.” But sometimes, there are time you may not want to listen to your gut. In “High Fidelity”, John Cusack said “Should I bolt every time I get that feeling in my gut when I meet someone new? Well, I’ve been listening to my gut since I was 14 years old, and frankly speaking, I’ve come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains”.

Some decisions are better left to “gut feelings”; others, not so much. I think developing your gut intuition, and being able to reference it when it’s good for you, makes sense: you have both your rational mind and intuitive gut both working for you at the same time. You get the combined awareness of both.

I work with an increasing amount of guys who find it really hard to say ‘no’ to others, even if it means foregoing their own wants, needs and desires. For these guys, they swallow their own voice to meet the demands of others, usually with women in romantic relationships, but more commonly with coworkers, service providers, people on the street… whomever.

The “nice guys” out there look unassuming on the surface. They’re extra friendly, people love them, and their generally non-toxic to others. It’s when it comes to themselves that the problems begin.

Here are some features of the “Nice Guy”:

• Has a hard time saying ‘no’ to others, including intimate partners
• Doing for others until they’re tired, or exhausted
• Have a high degree need for appreciation or validation, and will work hard for it
• Not feeling in control of relationships
• Carry around guilty feelings
• Being dependent on others – including women – or “orbiting” them like a human satellite
• Deals poorly with rejection
• Takes many things very personally
• Tries to be the life of the party, make others laugh, take on other’s personalities

Fundamentally, Nice Guys don’t know how to meet their needs, because if their needs are known, they could not be met by those who are in the position to meet those needs. Instead, they end up playing games – sometimes through coersion or manipulation – through playing the role of the “nice guy”. They’re not straight with others, or themselves. It’s too risky to be oneself, because the role or mask is the one they think gets all of the attention and validation. Nice Guys forget that pleasing other people is not pleasing themselves.

The other issue is anger. Anger gets stuffed within nice guys, but ends up seeping out as passive aggressive behavior. Their anger cannot be communicated directly, because of the risk that runs of being rejected or abandoned. But, it has to go somewhere, and so it gets filtered through other ways like the passive-aggressive approach. This can be displayed through constant joking, sarcasm, not being straight with one’s anger, playing the victim, etc.

A good book on the topic of “nice guys” was written a couple of years back by Dr. Robert Glover. “No More Mr. Nice Guy” explains these types of issues that guys struggle with. It’s worth a read.

If you think you’re a “Nice Guy” and want to start to break the cycle, start by understanding how you can’t say ‘no’ to others. Is it fear? Is is rejection? Are you taking too much ownership or responsibility for other people?

• Practice saying no in small ways, and try building up to the big ‘no’s.
• Start monitoring your anger and seeing how it might leak out in less direct ways, as mentioned above.
• Work on validating your own self more, instead of being dependent on other’s to fill you up
• Start to differentiate between those people that are truly your friends, and those people who are friendly with you because you do things for them solely. If the relationship isn’t reciprocal, reconsider your investment in it.
• Look at your schedule, and determine which activities, chores, events, etc. you do that’s for others, and really reconsider what you’re getting out of the deal? Is it worth my time? Does it prevent me from taking care of myself adequately

I was once a “Nice Guy,” and let me tell you: it’s a lot better on the other side. People still like me, even more so than when I was trying to be nice and cordial all of the time. I understand the struggles, and reform can happen if you work at it.

Depression, or the more common “blues”, affects men when they don’t even know they’re depressed. Dealing with loss of interest in the usual things, fatigue, hopelessness, despair, and other symptoms of depression can hinder your forward progress, and in some ways debilitate men.

The problem with men who are suffering from depression is that, often times, they don’t know they’re depressed and don’t know how to ask for help. The stigma of getting help sometimes prevents them from feeling better, and so they don’t seek out a doctor or a therapist.

There are immediate things that you can do to help feel less depressed, even if you’re on the fence about getting professional help.

1. Admit there’s a problem: unless you come to terms with the fact that you may be suffering from depression, nothing’s ever going to change. Talk with a loved one, like a family member or spouse, about the possibility that you’re depressed, and stay open to the process of seeking help.
2. Try mild to moderate exercise: a light, regular exercise is known to alleviate some symptoms of depression, and the vitamin D you’ll get from the sun’s rays can help stave off some of those depressed feelings.
3. Develop a meditation practice: there are lots of types of forms of meditation to choose from, but the one that I like best for you health and healing is mindfulness meditation. Developing a regular practice of five, 10, or even 20 min. of sitting meditation a day over the course of time can directly would rewire the brain in ways that promote happiness. Mindfulness meditation can help you deal with those irrational, stuck beliefs that drive depression, so if you haven’t meditating mindfully, considerate. There are a number of good books and CDs on the topic, so check Amazon.com or your local library.
4. Watch what you’re eating and drinking: stimulants such as caffeine or depressants such as alcohol can directly affect your mood, as well as your body. For some, too much sugar for refined carbohydrates (think white flour products, potatoes and white rice) can leave your blood sugar on a roller coaster ride, and when you crash, your mood plummets. Consider omega-3 fatty acids to promote better mood, and seek out unrefined carbohydrates, good fats and proteins, and lots of fruits and vegetables. Food is definitely mood, even for the most carnivorous man.
5. Talk it out: even if you’re not interested in coming through the counseling door to talk, there are plenty of people in your life that you care about you and want to help you get better. Take a risk, and reach out. You may be surprised that they’re willing to want help you or listen to you. Don’t fall into possible false thinking that you’re alone, or that nobody cares, or that you don’t want to burden anyone with your problems.
6. Sit with negative emotions: it may sound contrary to feeling better, but it works. When you can sit with and hold a negative emotion – the physical emotion in your body – it will often dull or diminish in size. Too much of depression is a swirling of negative thoughts with negative emotions, which leaves us frozen in the depression. When depression goes “cognitive,” or stays in your head, you disconnect from the felt sense of it in your boddy effectively disembodying yourself. You can work your way through the negative emotion if you sit with it. Try it for a minute or two when it comes up.
7. Seek out professional help: whether it’s your family doctor or a psychiatrist for depression medication and monitoring, or talk therapy with a professional counselor or therapist, seeking out professional help works where others close to you can’t. In the case of counseling, it’s often in a neutral, third party environment. Sometimes, your friends and family want the best for you, yet may be part of the problem. A trained counselor can help you sort out your feelings, and get to the root of your suffering.

Depression is not a life sentence. Sometimes, with the right help and attention, it’s effects can be greatly minimized. Do what you can for yourself, and get the support you need. When depression or the blues are dragging you down, it’s tough, but there is hope and help, and all it takes is for you to ask.

There are some things that are meant to be avoided in life: traffic jams, flight delays, credit card fees and death. Some people may even add taxes to that list. But, men that avoid their problems in life find that they come back to haunt them, sometimes in a big way.

Some guys that I talk with avoid their problems – and the consequences that come – at all costs. They’ll do anything to avoid, distract, not deal, think about other things or generally try to forget about the problems that life inevitably distributes. Whether that includes problems with work, money, sex, relationships, or taking care of themselves, avoiding your problems leads to even bigger ones down the road.

It’s the same as car maintenance: if you hear an abnormal sound,  or instinctively know something’s wrong, and you  choose to neglect it, it can be a lot more expensive as time goes on. The same thing with avoiding our problems.

You see, life’s problems have a way of staying dormant only so long. They’ll inevitably creep back up, whether we like it or not. The resulting symptoms manifest as constant money woes, having the same types of conflicts with your relationship partner over and over again, choosing the same type of partners in different relationships, or suffering from the same types of health problems.

Are you guilty of avoiding your problems? Is the reality of your particular situation to difficult to look at? sometimes, when a problem is been avoided for so long, it becomes increasingly more difficult to look at and deal with, because it’s festered and grown worse. The more it grows, the more we want to avoid it, and the cycle continues.

How do you break out of the cycle, then, and start dealing with the issues you’re confronted with?

1. Breakout of the avoidance trap, and admit you got a problem.
2. Lay all of your cards out on the table, and take a look at what resources you’ll need to help yourself.
1. Do you need more time? Money? Better communication skills? More discipline?
3. Ask for help: there have been other people in your situation before, and they’re willing to help you. Ask for help from the people that care, or pay to get the help that you need from a professional.
4. Set goals and chunk it out: do a little bit at a time. Attended a problem bit by bit, and make it a habit to constantly attend to it.
5. Try to take a look at “how” you’re avoiding your problem: is it fear? is it rejection? is it shame?
6. Pat yourself on the back, instead of shaming yourself, for dealing head-on with your problem. It’s been habit- forming for you to avoid your problem, so praise yourself for having the courage to start to attend to what you avoided.

Take it one step at a time when you are starting to open up a problem that you have attended to. It’ll take some time to reorient to the problem, without avoiding it or not looking at it. Take it easy on yourself, and take it slow, and you’ll have started to retrain yourself to deal with problems or tasks as they come up.

Making a decision is hard enough. Having the wrench of guilt thrown into your machinery while you’re making a decision is even worse. Many times, were not even aware of the guilt that we carry, and it operates beneath our consciousness and controls our thoughts, feelings and decision-making skills. When we indulge in our guilt, we are generally not making the right decisions for us, or what’s in our best interest as individuals.

When we try to adhere to other people’s desires of us, whether it’s family, friends, or our significant other, we sometimes get lost in trying to both please them and ourselves. The friction that’s created is where guilt lies. Guilt is more about “should” or “have to,” rather than “wanting to.”

Guilt is corrosive. When we let it fester, it eats us up inside. It stops our better judgment of how best to live our own lives. I think guilt is more related to people pleasing, and when we: the people pleasing, we lose our own voice.

What we call ‘guilt’ is usually representative of a blade within us, between pleasing some outside person or entity and ourselves. The more we can learn to tune into what we really want, the more will find happiness, contentment and confidence. We’re certainly not going to find those things if we endlessly tried to attend to or appease others, or try to do their agenda. Ultimately, will fail, and fall victim to addictive people pleasing.

Ask yourself: “what is it that I really want, if I can cut away trying to always please others?”. if you didn’t have to deal with guilt, what would your certain outcome or decision actually be? Would it looked different than how you’re used to doing it? Are you prepared for that outcome?

If we actually take the risk of listening to ourselves and what we truly want, and not others, what are the risks? usually, there is fear or panic about letting others down, or doing the opposite of what others want from us. When we grow up, we often develop guilt from interacting with our parents. They usually have a certain agenda for us, and we usually just learned to absorb it. As kids, we never really considered doing things our own way, or if we did, it was usually in a defiant or flippant way.

I think the first way to successfully deal with guilt is to start to recognize what it is that you actually want. What would your relationship look like if you really wanted it to be free of guilt? Would your friendships change? would you end up dropping friends who you didn’t feel guilty around?

On the other end, sometimes guilt is flared up by others manipulative tendencies. Manipulation and guilt are bedfellows. Where there is manipulation, there’s often guilt. if you’re feeling manipulated by someone close, it’s important to start to understand that dynamic in your relationship, and start to address it head-on. If you allow yourself to be manipulated, the end product will probably be guilt. And guilt is extremely corrosive to the soul.

New! Affordable Counseling Services in Phoenix – Starting Today! Now only $60 a session!

If you’ve been putting off counseling, and expenses have been an issue these days, we’ve got just the deal for you. And it’s gotten a little better.

Phoenix Men’s Counseling expands it’s service menu to include affordably priced counseling for individuals and couples.

Counseling services will be offered by Trent Leupp, a counseling student intern from Argosy University in Phoenix, under the direct supervision of a licensed professional counselor – yours truly. Sessions are now priced at $60 for a 50-minute counseling session with Trent.

Appointments are currently being set up, and there are a limited amount of bookings available.

New to counseling? Been hesitant to give it a try? This is your opportunity to start to make a real investment in your well-being and your relationships.

Contact Jason at 602.309.0568, or visit us at www.phoenixmenscounseling.com to book an online appointment.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what is takes to be a good man. I think there are plenty of answers out there: from media and culture, to our own preconceptions of what it means to be a man. But what if we truly listened to ourselves and came up with our own answers?

I’ve decided to put together a men’s self-assessment, and included five areas of life that I think are key to developing oneself as a man. Take a couples of minutes out on a break to consider your answers to these life areas.

• Living Your Values
• Do you live by what you believe in? How so?
• Is there a difference between what you believe in and how you practice your life? If yes,
• Being Genuine/Authentic
• Are you truly open and honest about your thoughts, feelings and behaviors to those close to you? If not, how do you prevent or inhibit yourself?
• Are you generally being true with yourself? If not, how are you untrue to yourself?
• Taking Responsibility
• Do you find yourself playing the ‘victim’ to others, or life in general? How?
• Is it hard to “own” your stuff, even if it’s negative, paints you in a negative light, or tarnishes your facade? Why?
• Practicing Self-Respect
• Do you practice regular self care, such as exercise, good nutrition, stress management? If not, what gets in your way?
• Can you keep healthy boundaries with others (i.e. be firm with others by saying ‘no’, not compromising your values, etc.). If not, how are you flexible on your boundaries with others?
• Do you criticize or judge yourself too harshly? What do you get out of this, if you do?
• Navigating Life Balance
• How does your life tip out of balance? What are your “traps” to fall out of balance (i.e. work, kids, etc.)
• Would others in your life consider you to be balanced in your life? What would they say?
• What is one area of your life that begs for your attention, in needing more balance? What is one thing you can do to feed that unattended part of your life?

What answers did you come up with? Were you surprised by any of your answers? It’s hard to take an honest look at ourselves, when life commands our attention, or when our perception of ourselves is filtered through other people.

If you came up with more questions, let those be the starting point to develop your next answers. How can you develop an action plan to be able to improve some of these life areas for yourself? Will it take time, money, energy, other people – what resources will you need to seek out to help you in developing these things?

Taking an honest look at ourselves takes some courage, especially if we’re not in the habit of doing so. Try to make small but incremental changes in developing your awareness. You can’t change what you’re not aware of, so stay open and get others feedback if you choose. All the luck and support to you.

Intimacy is a tricky subject for many guys. When we think of intimacy, sexual intimacy usually comes to mind. But the intimacy that your wife, girlfriend or partner may need in your relationship is quite different.

To be intimate – for many women – means being able to connect with them through your emotions. Where men stumble is thinking that to be intimate means doing, showing or providing for their partners. For guys, a common misperception is that taking care of their wives or girlfriends though buying them things or providing for them materially is how we care for them. It’s baffling to think that our wives and girlfriends are unhappy with us when we keep trying to get it right with them, and end up feeling like we’ve failed.

Emotional connection for men is difficult, but you get further away from the emotional connection when you convince yourself that you’re doing what you can to try to care for your partner by doing things (e.g. fixing things around the house, planning events or vacations or simply being the great breadwinner that you are). What I hear from frustrated women is that, ultimately, they want to feel close and connected to their partner in an emotional way, and guys can’t get to this place by better planning, fixing or breadwinning.

• Stop trying to fix your way through intimacy. It probably won’t work
• Try to stay open to listening to your wife, girlfriend or partner without being defensive
• Stay open to feedback and constructive criticism
• Know that you are indeed successful as a boyfriend, husband, father, breadwinner, etc., and that you’re not a failure at intimacy, but it may require changing your perspective
• Try talking with your partner about your feelings or emotions: try to stay vulnerable with your partner, even if it means not doing anything at all – simply listening and being present in a conversation.
• Ask for validation from your partner for the things you’re doing well, such as being supportive and caring to her, being a good provider, etc.
• Ask for it verbally from her, instead of assuming she should just know to give it to you.

When they don’t feel intimate emotionally with you, women may withdraw sexually or physically from you. They may chase and pursue you – even resorting to criticizing you and invalidating you – but their longing to connect emotionally with you is what’s driving that reactive behavior. Your sex life may be problematic is there’s an emotional disconnection or intimacy problem between you.

Talking about problems that are present within the relationship is another good way to reset with your partner and develop better emotional intimacy, and, consequently, better sexual intimacy. Too often, the problems and issues that we have in our relationships get hidden away and relegated to the sidelines through avoidance, fear, compartmentalization and avoidance, especially for men. Try something new: open up to your partner about the problems you’re having with them. If you take the risk, and communicate it from your own experience (“I” statements”) instead of attack or criticize them, you may be surprised with the results. You may find a better, more intimate relationship waiting for you in the end.

So often, we catch ourselves lost in our thought stream – thinking about our long term plans, or just weekend plans, wondering about past regrets we have, or stressing about things that have yet to come true. But, how well do we live grounded in our own present reality?

It’s quite common to get lost in our memories, hopes, fears, goals and stressors. But, when we lose ourselves in those places, life end us passing us by.

Many men live in the regret of the past – whether that’s dwelling on professional opportunities lost or squandered, women that have gotten away or generally idealizing their pasts in a way that we can’t let go. Often times, when we hold onto the past, intrusive thoughts predominate our thinking, and it’s as if we’re living in a parallel world where we’re not quite available to ourselves and others in the present.

Learning to let go of regret, anger and shame is an important step to letting go of the past. Developing more of a compassionate relationship with yourself means not beating yourself up for not taking that dream job, not actualizing your potential as a star tennis player, or failing in previous relationships. Living in the present moment often entails working through grief as a way to let go of the past, even if the past is so easy to hold on to.

The problem most men face is that they avoid their emotions. In doing this, what happens is that we develop these mental fixations on things in the past or future, and the negative emotions stay stuck and frozen. If you create space to see just how much you’re ruminating on things, people, places, etc., you’ll probably find that you’re avoiding dealing with the emotions that have resulted. Dealing with emotions is hard, especially when they run so deep, but it’s imperative to do so to get unstuck and back into the present moment of your life.

Mindfulness meditation is one way to come to develop more presence and live in the present moment. There are many good books on the subject. Jon Kabat Zinn developed Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR; http://www.mindfullivingprograms.com/whatMBSR.php). Developing a mindfulness meditation practice is helpful to clarifying the mind and learning to detach from one’s thought stream, where suffering lies. It’s not about better avoidance – it’s about being present with everything that arises, including wishful thinking, negative emotions and the pain of our experience of being human.

I personally practice yoga and find it’s a great way to develop more presence and anchor myself in the present moment. There are a number of great yoga studios here in Phoenix, and probably close to your home. Find the yoga style that works best for you, check out different classes from different instructors, and develop a regular routine to experience the best benefits.

Having intimate conversations with those close to you also has the transformative power of change to anchor you back in your present reality. In taking the risk to share fears, hopes, sadness, pain and insecurities with your partner or spouse, a close friend, or a family member, you’ll develop more personal awareness and make contact with those negative emotions in order to expunge them and live more presently.

Lastly, I believe lifestyle has a lot to do with being present – how much sleep you get, if you get regular exercise, how you eat and take care of your body. Optimizing your lifestyle and learning what works best for your body will most definitely help you to get closer access to the present moment. Tune in and listen to your body to see how much sleep you’ll need, when too many stimulants or too much alcohol affects your body, or what foods and supplements will be most beneficial to you maximizing your energy and presence.

When you’re bombarded with life chores and events, creating a space to plug out and decompress is hard. It’s easy to get caught in the whirlwind of daily life, but creating a regular space and time to fill yourself up could give you that extra charge you need by doing very little.

See, most men are task-oriented. It’s inconceivable for some guys to think of decompressing and doing nothing. And I’m not necessarily talking about kicking back with a drink or two (or three).

Men can be just as guilty of giving out more than they’re taking in. We end up neglecting ourselves and our need to recharge, which creates problems down the line. When we fail to meet this need, it appears as stress, physical problems, anger, irritability, frustration and feeling generally short with the world. We feel worn out, chronically exhausted and not at rest.

One related issue is that there are some guys who need to be busy 24/7. Some find that they can distract themselves with an ever greater to-do list, or can avoid their problems at home with burying their head in work. I talk with others who “thrive on chaos,” except it’s the chaos that eventually wins in the end.

What to do when creating time alone:

• Recognize that there’s a difference between finding alone time, and disconnecting from your relationship or marriage (if you’re in one). It’s a fine line, and it takes some time to do, but navigating the fine line between finding alone time and still staying connected to your partner is key.
• Communicate with your partner about this need for “plugging out”, and assure them that you are with them, you love them, and you need some decompression/time for yourself. They’ll understand if you communicate this clearly, and if not, they may think you’re avoiding them.
• Identify what makes you happy with the time you’ve got: do I like to just veg on the couch? Do I want to lift weights? Do I want to sit and read, or just contemplate? It’s up to you, and getting in touch with what works for you is important, because it’s different for each person.
• Clearly draw the line in the sand between personal time, work time and family/relationship time. It’s too easy for those lines to blur, and then you go back to feeling irritable and frustrated.
• If you don’t know what that time looks like, or how to just be with yourself, think about it over the next week. Ask yourself “at what points in time do I feel relaxed (when not on vacation)?” “How can I create more of that feeling of relaxation or rest in my home or on my free time?” And, “what’s preventing me from doing more of it?
• Get support from your partner or mate: they’ll understand that need and care for your well-being. Plan on creating both of your alone times at the same time, before you reconnect.
• If you need to immediately decompress when you come in the door, and you’re in a relationship, make that need know when you’re not just walking in the door. Discuss it with your partner at a different date, and tell them it’s important for you to disconnect before reconnecting and talking.

What not to do:

• Fall into smoking pot or drinking for your alone time. If you’re not careful, you may be inadvertently avoiding your pain or problems in your life. Watch out.
• Just expect that the time will present itself to you. You need to take the bull by the horns, and block out the time every week, or every day if need be. You know yourself, and it’s different for each guy.
• Stop communicating your need for time alone on a regular basis with your partner
• Stop planning your schedule to include personal or free time.
• Start planning out more things to-do, because this is your down time
• Fail to create and execute what your down time looks like, because without sketching out what your time looks like, it may not appear.