A friend asked me this really great question: “What are the specific challenges that men face in relationships at during each decade?” The question naturally led me to want to blog about it, and share it with you all. I accounted for three periods: 20’s, 30’s and 40’s, as these are generally the periods of life I work with, but feel free to add your own experiences/other decade challenges.

20-30’s: Still settling down, and finding themselves. Work and jobs are sporadic, so lots of long-distance relationships and conflict as a result. Guys in their 20’s are still into hooking up and partying, so they’re looking more for women who fit this bill (generally). Some get married, but are unhappy because the marriage is too early, or it wasn’t right for them (maturity levels low).

30-40’s: Settling down, getting married and having children. Guys have to deal with their lost youth and death of the “wild horse” mentality. Some guys hold onto youthful entrapments, such as partying, alcohol, video games, etc., which creates relationship/marriage tension and fighting this way. This is where the communication problems and issues start to ferment, for problems later into the next stage. Not knowing how to deal with everything: being a new dad, added responsibilities with their work/careers, and juggling it all creates stress and relationship strain. A lot of guys tend to start having problems, because they didn’t learn how to take care of themselves earlier on, or didn’t really have a need to take care of anyone else (e.g. wife, kid) other than themselves.

40-50’s: Kids are growing, and problems have fermented another decade. Couple has drifted away from each other, and the problems that have arisen in the 10-15 years since marriage have been avoided, or not dealt with. Money, things, trips have all been used as “happiness surrogates,” and are employed to stave off dealing with the real problems of unhappiness, sexual problems, loss of love, etc. Some men start to have affairs (although earlier stages, too) or lose themselves in other diversions other than their marriage, because that’s what they know, and that’s what culture encourages (alcohol, sports, video games, porn, etc.). Couple needs to reinvent their marriage, and create a reason to be together, other than “for the kids”. Men will also lose themselves in work and career, which is a socially-sanctioned place to go, yet slowly erodes a relationship over time. A lot of men who over-identify themselves with their work and careers unconsciously avoid their wives and their problems by dedicating themselves to their work. Phsycial problems can start to manifest as a function of problems not dealt with, with leads to depression, stress, pain, fatigue, etc. The body speaks, even when men are not.

When we’re not living in our heads - in the regrets of the past and in the hopes for the future - we’re living safely in the present moment of our lives. Nothing too special, just being at peace with what is unfolding moment to moment. It’s what ‘is’.

Losing ourselves in our minds is an o.k. place to be while planning or daydreaming, but to get lost there and forget that the presence that we are - who we really are underneath it all - is there, waiting for us to attend to it.

Our work, relationships, thrills, and pain often reside in the past or the present. We fixate on things, people and experiences that are unfinished for us, and become resistant to moving on. People become emotionally frozen in time, and find it impossible to live presently. They forget about the very breath right under their noses.

With guys, who tend to go to their heads to solve problems, it becomes more difficult for them to tune in emotionally. Not being able to tune in emotionally, we fixate and circulate in our heads, trying over and over to fix our problem or dilemma, but never really getting anywhere.

Learning to live more in our lives - in the present moment - reduces some of the illusion and fantasy we carry with us. Sometimes this takes the help of a professional counselor or therapist, who can help unearth the frozen emotions. When we can learn how to develop emotional intelligence, tune into our bodies for the information we need to fix ourselves, and stop overusing our heads to figure it all out, I think we can start to develop the presence we need for greater happiness and more fulfilling lives.

(Taken from “Mentality” for men monthly newsletter, October edition. Sign up at www.phoenixmenscounseling.com)

The compromising of trust is such an infectious and widespread problem, especially in intimacy and relationships. Distrust corrodes relationships, breaks down friendships, prevents career advancement and creates a schism within ourselves that widens over time.

In intimacy, the number one problem I hear women discussing is how they don’t trust their guy. They may be holding onto distrust from past incidences, or they may be reacting to things that you’re doing to stoke that distrust today. But the barriers that distrust creates block real intimacy, sexual connection and the chance to deeper and strengthen a relationship or marriage.

There are a myriad ways in our culture to erode that trust: other women, a sexually repressive culture, divorce, excessive behaviors and addiction. In our culture, men are taught to stuff their feelings and emotions, which automatically both magnetizes us to those “erosion behaviors” and sets the stage up for distrust to come.

Questions to consider in the building of trust:

• Are you a man people can trust and rely on?
• Do you make a practice of doing what you say, when you say it?
• Would others say you compromise their trust at times? How so?
• How do you deal with others emotions? Can you listen and accept them when others are down and need support?
• Do you focus your emotional or sexual energies on other women, and not your wife? (e.g. thinking about other women, excessive masturbation, pornography, even flirting with other women)

A theme that I refer back to is the idea of values vs. behaviors. Are you practicing what you preach? Are your deeper values producing behaviors in the world that line up and are consistent? If not, what prevents them from mirroring your values?

Values could be anything like these:

• You see a vision of a strong and healthy relationship in your life, which may be different from past relationships
• You believe in truth and honesty, and seek to communicate those values through your behaviors
• You want people to know, like and trust you - do you give them reasons to do that?

If you’re in a relationship now, or would like to be, I’d invite you to open this discussion up with your wife, girlfriend or partner. Talk about the insecurities that come up, and the blocks or potential threats to building that trust. If you want to build more trust, ask your partner how you could go about doing that if you suspect your relationship could benefit from more trust.