The holidays are usually defined as a time of family get-togethers, good food and drink, and relaxation, but for a lot of

Americans, the holidays are truly difficult in a number of ways.

Going into debt, dealing with family conflict, high stress, travel and marital discord, as well as depression and anxiety, characterize the experience of a lot of men these days. With a little planning and preparation, you can usher in the holiday season with minimal conflict, if you’re willing to consider these things:

1. Know your limits: Whether that’s how much money you’re going to spend, how much time you can actually stay any one family member’s home, or how much alcohol you can consume, it’s important know your limits. If you’re not doing things in moderation, you might be burning the candle at both ends. The holidays are a time off from everything that’s stressful, and if you’re creating more stress, you’re not really enjoying the holidays and relaxing. Know your limits, be able to say ‘no’ to others, and to yourself. Practice moderation, and knowing what’s good for you.
2. Watch for holiday mental health hazards: This is a memorable season, and for some, those memories are more haunting than festive. This is a time that we can reflect back on our year, for better for worse. If you’ve experienced a difficult year, whether that be a job loss, death of someone close to you, or general unhappiness or loneliness, the holidays have a way of amplifying those problems to make them seem worse.
   • If you succumb to depression or anxiety, the holidays have a way of bringing those out, too. Depression and anxiety peak around the holidays, so monitor yourself to make sure you don’t fall into these traps. Seek out help or support if you can’t for yourself.
3. Practice effective communication skills: Whether this is to your boss or to your wife or girlfriend, communication is essential during the holiday season. There’s so much going on, and so many opportunities to miscommunicate. So often, our wires get crossed with others because we fail to talk about what we need from them, whether that’s time off from work, spending some time with our guy friends to watch football, or figuring out how to divide the chores and household responsibilities equally. If we can learn to communicate a little bit more effectively than usual, we should be able to glide through the holidays without too much conflict.
4. Don’t avoid conflict: If you’re having an issue with someone, be direct with them and don’t beat around the bush. Holding in frustration or anger is only going to make things worse, whether you’re having an argument with a family member during Thanksgiving or squabbling in that pre-Christmas spat with your loved one, don’t avoid conflict. This is to those guys out there that are notorious conflict avoiders.
   • Also, if you’re drinking, watch the alcohol, because if there are things that are not being said, they may come out way worse if you’re drinking.  And you know how those holiday fights go…
5. Developing a holiday stress management plan: Develop a small stress management program for yourself, and employ it throughout the holidays, even doing it once or twice a week. Whether that’s continuing to work out at the gym, taking a light jog or hike, or doing some yoga, practice stress management because the holidays have a way of eroding your physical and mental well-being. Especially if you’re traveling, you’re going to be subjected to a lot of stress, and so will your immune system. Getting the right sleep, and knowing your limits, are both ways to prevent taking in too much stress during the holidays.
6. Plan: Good planning underlies everything, especially around this time of year. If you’re not a good planner, try to take some steps to help yourself by not creating more stress for yourself and those close to you. Whether that means budgeting for gifts, scheduling shopping, or getting your clothes ready before the morning of your flight out, you’ll be glad you set forth to take care of business before hand. Good planning is going to prevent you and your wife or girlfriend from inevitable stress and conflict, too, which will make her quite happy with you.
7. Create an quick exit strategy: For a lot of people, the holidays spent with family and friends can be a little bit overwhelming, especially if you’re staying with others or they’re staying with you. If you need to get out of the situation, kindly excuse yourself for a bit to get some fresh air or take a quick trip into town. If you’re staying extensively with family for three or four days, it’s important to get a little bit of time away for yourself or for you and your wife, away from family, the kids, whatever. Pace yourself, especially if you’re feeling contentious with a family member or loved one. You’ll be glad you did.

Sex, like other things, couldn’t be fundamentally different for guys and girls. Sure, the act is the same, the fun’s the same, and it’s an (ideally) satisfying experience for both. What could be so different?

Women have sexual needs that are different from guys. For a lot of women, sex provides a connection to their partner. They want the emotional contact, something men don’t often prioritize as a top reason for getting down.

Connection is not a word often associated with a man’s vocabulary; it is, on the other hand, integral to a woman’s. Sexual contact and connection is an expression of greater emotional and relationship intimacy and connection, which a lot of couples don’t have in their everyday lives. For men who find it difficult to understand the needs of women to connect, sex is a vehicle for that intimacy. Using sexual intimacy as a starting point to develop more “global” relationship intimacy is a great step.

Love is interconnected with sex for some women; having sex is an expression of love. This is an important point for guys. Understanding that regular sexual contact for women is a way that you’re expressing your love – or at least interest – in your woman is important for relationship development.

What can I do to boost up my sexual game for the long term, you may ask? Sure, new sex positions and “date night” are helpful. Carving out time for sex is important for many couples, especially busy ones and couples with children.

Here’s 7 suggestions for a deeper sex life with your partner:

• Try enjoying the process of sex – not the goal (orgasm) – and see what happens that’s different.
• Spend one time just asking what she wants. Ask where she likes you to be, what she likes you to do, and generally work on being more present to what she wants from you.
• Work on developing eye contact. Women love this. They’ll get that sense of connection we talked about.
• Talk about your fears of sex, or other past situations that have been troublesome for you. Everyone has holdups and fears around sex – it’s highly vulnerable. Try communicating those to your partner, if you feel comfortable. If your fears create intimacy issues or sexual problems, seek professional help.
• Take care of yourself, so you feel good about yourself first: eat right, manage stress well, get the good sleep you need, and try exercising for better physical, sexual and emotional well-being.
• Don’t let pornography get in the way of intimacy. Talk about it, and don’t let it become the elephant in the room. It may be hurting your relationship in more ways than one.
• Have some fun. Relax your need to perform like the stallion you want to be. Be yourself, and don’t try to aspire to unrealistic expectations of yourself sexually. Ask the right questions, and hopefully, you’ll get the right answers.

One of the biggest problems couples face is not talking too little, but talking too much. Fighting and conflict result in talking more than need be, and couples fall into this trap because they say too much to each other. They bark, groan and sulk about little things – from laundry to bill paying to cooking – and this adds to the cumulative effect of relationship conflict.

We say too much. We say things we don’t mean. We put our foot in our mouth, and then regret that we said anything at all. We lose ourselves in the angry reactivity of the moment, and say things we wouldn’t normally have said in a cooler state.

Appreciating this maxim – less is more – and applying it to relationship communication is essential. Chances of conflict minimization increase when the “less is more” concept is applied. Talking less equals more of an opportunity to listen, or at least not say as much. Watching our reactive selves through detached (not aloof) mindfulness is better that losing ourselves in our reactive minds, which want to keep the fight going and say things that will will the power struggle. This just doesn’t work.

Couples who can learn to say less, while not avoiding or isolating from each other, and learn to make their fights and conflicts more efficient, can find newfound success and greater marriage happiness. Learning to speak directly from our feelings and needs, instead of attacking, criticizing, and playing the power games, we can learn to be more efficient in our words and getting our point across much more efficiently to our partner. Learning to develop these qualities is a must for couples seeking to stave off more conflict; couples counseling or marriage counseling provides a third-party and a neutral environment to develop those skills to better a marriage or relationship.

One thing guys have a really difficult time doing is leaving their taskmaster at the door, and this creates a ton of relationship and marriage conflict. How?

Guys – in their masculine energy – are used to employing their “task orientation” skills to get things done: at work, at the gym, navigating, fixing cars and whatnot. Problem solving skills can be used effectively, but often not so well in a marriage or relationship. It simply doesn’t work.

Women are very different creatures, and guys forget this. Relationship harmony requires checking that taskmaster or “accomplisher” at the door. Those roles are fueled by a certain masculine energy that can oppress and suffocate a lot of women, or relationship partners in general. I see this in reverse just the same: women can easily fall victim to not knowing when to leave their taskmaster at the door.

The problems with this? Again, it can be oppressive to the other relationship partner, it can cause anger, and it communicates criticism and judgment towards the partner who is “not on board” with the program. Often, women (who bring more yin that yang) are about “being”, versus men who are about “doing.” Men’s yang energy (read:”bright positive masculine principle” in Chinese translation) can create an imbalance when guys don’t know how to contain it, or check it at the door when they get home.

The sweet spot is the balance in between. Guys can develop their awareness to balance the forces, and to employ the “taskmaster” or masculine energy at will when it’s needed: in the boardroom, in the bedroom, etc. Knowing how to hang out in the “being” place a little more is tricky for many guys.

Your relationship or marriage can benefit with the development of both the “being” and the “doing” experiences. Therapy or counseling can often help with the emotional development and expression of those energies, and to figure out where the blocks, and then to remove them.