When problems happen in otherwise good relationships and marriages, what I often hear from men is that they don’t feel supported by their wives or their girlfriends. Many check out after several attempts to get the support that they need, and just as many more simply don’t know how to get that support directly from the one they love.

Are you one of those guys who feels disconnected and unsupported from your relationship partner? How do you experience this lack of support?

The problem is, on the surface, a lack of support or validation from your wife or girlfriend. Underneath that lies another, more subtle layer.

Men have a really difficult time recognizing their own needs, and have an even harder time actually connecting to those needs and communicating it (in language she can understand) directly to her. Instead, guys withdraw and stop interacting with women. they’ll tell themselves, “Why try? It’s just too difficult. Of course I want support, but she should know this. I do a lot for her, why do I need to be the one to tell her?”. Reactions happen across the range: some guys do the withdrawal-and-hide-the-anger thing, or some guys just check out of the relationship in general. Some guys get critical, or exercise their frustration through trying to control things or people in their environment. And some other guys just stew in their heads forever trying to figure out “how to fix it.”

Here’s some bullet points to help you. It’s unfortunate to see otherwise good guys in otherwise healthy relationships struggle to simply get validated.

• Ask yourself: “Does she validate me enough? Do I need more from her sometimes?”
• Ask yourself: “How does she show me support now? Could I actually name the ways that she communicates her support to me right now?”
• Talk with your wife or girlfriend, and express your appreciation for the support that she does give you; this will reinforce her behavior, and let her know exactly how you want the support. A lot of times women are clueless about how the support/validation is actually absorbed by their guy.
• Write down (on paper) what you would like validation or support for. Are there certain things that you’re contributing to her life, the kids’ lives, or to the household in general? Make a list of those things, to develop your own awareness about what those things actually are.
• Admit there’s a problem, both to yourself and to her. Make some time to communicate with her (hopefully, not during or after a fight). Say: “You know, I’m needing something from you and our relationship, and sometimes I don’t quite know how to ask you. I need to hear more supportive things from you around (x) and (y), and it would make me feel much closer to you.”
• If you sense you’re starting to withdraw or get angry, ask yourself “What am I needing in this moment?”. There’s usually an emotional reaction when we’re not getting a certain need me. This is an extremely powerful statement, so use this liberally when you get upset.

Hopefully, you can employ some of these helpful tips to get the support and validation you need and deserve in your intimate relationship. We’ll be talking about how to give the support and validation back to her in the next blog post. Stay tuned.

In relationships – intimate or otherwise – your single greatest weapon for success is communication. We have so much power in our hands with good communication, and we don’t even know it.

So many relationships end, or fade out, because communication sours or stops. Family members stop talking because of some ancient grudge from some relative’s wedding way back when. Marriages end because of issues that could have been worked out with clearer communication. Work relationships fail because we didn’t quiet mean to say what we said to our boss, and in our fiery impulsivity, leads to us getting fired.

We get in our own way when we communicate ineffectively. If we’re failing to state our needs and feelings, then we’re probably not getting what we want. If we’re not listening to what the other says, including when they have a problem with us, we’re ensuring a problematic conversation. If we’re not in touch with what we want, they others will have no clue about how to meet our needs.

For men, shutting down their anger is a universal issue every guy seems to deal with. Some guys explode; other guys stuff it in. Ineffectively dealing with anger is big time related to poor communication. A lot of guys are afraid of their own anger, or are afraid if they communicate it to the person they’re upset with, that person will reject them (e.g. their wife/girlfriend). Some guys are so busy people pleasing, that they would rather take care of other people’s needs instead of take care of their own. Over time, this builds up lots of anger, and it’ll come out in harmful ways.

The other thing on anger: it’s o.k. to be angry and communicate it. If you’re angry, it doesn’t mean you’re “that” guy, the jerk no one wants to be around. Being angry once doesn’t mean it becomes your identity. This is an important difference. Too many guys get afraid of being “that guy”, and stuff their anger further.

Here’s the skinny on what works and doesn’t work in good communication:

What works?

• Learning how to state your needs and feelings directly (first with yourself)
• Being open to your feelings
• Communicating your anger directly, not passively; don’t hold it in – it’ll corrode you
• Listen, and really hear what the other person is saying
• Get in touch with what you want from the person, and request it instead of demand it from them

And what doesn’t work?

• Criticizing others; they’ll shut down – guaranteed
• Judging others
• Acting superior to others
• Making demands upon others
• Using “always” and “never” with others
• Rehashing history with someone, and using it as ammo against them
• Passive-aggressive behavior (like saying “I’m not mad at you,” but acting mad at them in other ways)

Sex, like other things, couldn’t be fundamentally different for guys and girls. Sure, the act is the same, the fun’s the same, and it’s an (ideally) satisfying experience for both. What could be so different?

Women have sexual needs that are different from guys. For a lot of women, sex provides a connection to their partner. They want the emotional contact, something men don’t often prioritize as a top reason for getting down.

Connection is not a word often associated with a man’s vocabulary; it is, on the other hand, integral to a woman’s. Sexual contact and connection is an expression of greater emotional and relationship intimacy and connection, which a lot of couples don’t have in their everyday lives. For men who find it difficult to understand the needs of women to connect, sex is a vehicle for that intimacy. Using sexual intimacy as a starting point to develop more “global” relationship intimacy is a great step.

Love is interconnected with sex for some women; having sex is an expression of love. This is an important point for guys. Understanding that regular sexual contact for women is a way that you’re expressing your love – or at least interest – in your woman is important for relationship development.

What can I do to boost up my sexual game for the long term, you may ask? Sure, new sex positions and “date night” are helpful. Carving out time for sex is important for many couples, especially busy ones and couples with children.

Here’s 7 suggestions for a deeper sex life with your partner:

• Try enjoying the process of sex – not the goal (orgasm) – and see what happens that’s different.
• Spend one time just asking what she wants. Ask where she likes you to be, what she likes you to do, and generally work on being more present to what she wants from you.
• Work on developing eye contact. Women love this. They’ll get that sense of connection we talked about.
• Talk about your fears of sex, or other past situations that have been troublesome for you. Everyone has holdups and fears around sex – it’s highly vulnerable. Try communicating those to your partner, if you feel comfortable. If your fears create intimacy issues or sexual problems, seek professional help.
• Take care of yourself, so you feel good about yourself first: eat right, manage stress well, get the good sleep you need, and try exercising for better physical, sexual and emotional well-being.
• Don’t let pornography get in the way of intimacy. Talk about it, and don’t let it become the elephant in the room. It may be hurting your relationship in more ways than one.
• Have some fun. Relax your need to perform like the stallion you want to be. Be yourself, and don’t try to aspire to unrealistic expectations of yourself sexually. Ask the right questions, and hopefully, you’ll get the right answers.

Depression is a problem that affects millions of Americans each year, and many more people are not aware that they may be suffering from it. Fatigue, loss of interest in usual activities, malaise, problems eating and sleeping – these all characterize forms of depression.

Here’s some tips on how to fight depression:

1. Recognize that depression may be what you’re experiencing, and decide to deal with it instead of avoiding it; stay open to feedback from friends or loved ones about what they’re seeing from you.

2. Seek out the help of a trained professional. Talk with your doctor, or seek out a psychiatrist or mental health nurse practitioner who can talk with you about a possible antidepressant medication. You may also benefit from talk therapy, or counseling, to deal with the underlying issues associated with your depression.

3. Get active: engage in moderate physical exercise daily to reduce depressed feelings. This can be difficult when you feel fatigued or disinterested, but it helps.

4. Get Vitamin D/get outdoors: vitamin D helps fight depression.

5. Take Omega-3 fatty acids, either in liquid, capsule or food form (cold water fish). Talk with a physician or a nutritionist about what’s right for you.

6. Get support from friends, family, people close to you.

7. Journal your feelings regularly to see what may be the source of your depression, if there are events or people that trigger your depression.

8. Ask yourself if there are things happening in your life that need attention, or if you are not getting any major needs met in your life at the time. Sometimes, situational depression can be a result of events that stoke depression.

There is help from depression, and some of these tips may assist your recovery. Seek our support from those closest to you, and ask for help from professionals who care.

(reprinted from January’s edition of “Mentality” for men)

Being the social beings that they are, women are generally more predisposed than men to seek out the support of their close friends when there are problems or challenges. Women are better at seeking out friends, and knowing how to support themselves by doing it.

On the other hand, men are not wired this way. Guys in our culture tend to have more superficial relationships, based on common interests, hobbies, work and sport. Men do have “guys’ night”, but usually entails some male bonding activity through watching sports or playing poker. Men bond with activities outside of their emotions, and our culture has never been supportive of men relating to other men in any other way, especially emotionally.  Look at the abundance of “bromance” movies in the last couple of years, such as “I Love You, Man.” Culture, or more specifically, Hollywood, usually needs a comedic vehicle in which to introduce the idea of men connecting on an emotional level. It’s just too “weird” or “uncomfortable” without the humor. It’s kind of sad, because a lot of guys have nowhere else to turn for support.

On a practical level, many men do state that they want more male friendships. They often don’t know how to go about getting them, or aren’t willing to put the work in to maintain friendships. Again, this is where women do it better than guys. They can not only seek out social support from friends, and learn how to meet their needs in this way, but have the ability to maintain friendships and invest the time and energy than it takes to keep them going.

The older a guy gets, the harder it is to “teach a dog new tricks.” It just becomes “too hard” for a lot of guys to risk seeking out new friendships, and spending the time and energy that it takes to preserve them. Sometimes it’s just a little scary to reach out.

We say to ourselves that we want more friendships, but sometimes we aren’t willing to put the work in that relationships take. Friendships are similar to intimate relationships or marriages in that way: they’re good when you put the work, time and investment into them, and atrophy when there’s no investment. Even if you just “synch” with someone, you still got to put the work in to maintain friendships.

Fear is one way that we get stuck from advancing towards generating an up keeping friendships. Sometimes, fear prevents us from taking the risk of seeking out new male friendships or reigniting old ones. Laziness is also a common roadblock towards developing friendships. We don’t want to put the work in, or “have other things to do,” which is another way to say that we are prioritizing certain things in our lives over developing more room for personal friendships. It’s just one choice over the next choice.

Friendships don’t just come to us; they take a lot of work, energy investment, and mutual willingness. it’s the same as keeping a marriage healthy, and it’s a way of helping keep yourself healthy by learning to meet your needs as a man. Guys need the support just like women do, and friendships are a great way to get that support when they’re mutually satisfying.

As a Phoenix counselor for men, I specialize in helping men deal with the difficult issues they face: relationship problems, depression, work stress, anger issues, sexual concerns and effective communication skill building.

My practice – Phoenix Men’s Counseling – also helps guys create the types of lives that they see in their minds. Working in counseling together, a treatment plan is developed, and strategies are created to work towards those end results. Forging a relationship based on trust, client and counselor proceed to identify those unconscious barriers that prevent forward progress. Without the help of a professional counselor, think of it as knowing you’ve got to lose weight or get to the gym, actually going a handful of times, and stopping repeatedly before accomplishing your goal. You don’t know what’s stopping you, and know matter how hard you try to punch through it, you can’t. That’s where Phoenix Men’s Counseling comes in.

Book at online appointment through our site today. If you’re struggling, and you want greater happiness, take the risk today. You’ll be happy you did.

I think about happiness a lot. I think about it around this time of the year quite a bit, as happiness and the holidays are so closely wedded. I meditate on the nature of happiness, and how we go about seeking it.

Happiness can come from finding meaning: in the work we do, in the friendships we create, and in the intimacy we deepen with our partners. It comes when the roads of the imaginary and reality merge.

Happiness can come from being present: to ourselves, to our thoughts and to our emotions. Being present and undoing the destructive emotions and thoughts that lead to destructive behaviors can lead to happiness. Quieting the self-destructive voice inside our heads, and learning to deal with the pains of life as they arise – and not continually pushing them aside – will lead to being happy.

Happiness comes from the little joys in life, not from always trying to get somewhere or grasping at trying to accumulate more stuff. We’ve tried that as a society, and it’s gotten us into an epidemic of mental health suffering. And medications don’t always help make us happier.

Happiness is about “knowing thyself”; it’s about developing a compassionate eye back at oneself, and learning to accept oneself as one is. It’s about ceasing to compare ourselves to others for a change, and even to stop comparing ourselves to ourselves. Compassion comes when the voice of comparison quiets down.

There are a lot of distractions to happiness, especially during the holiday season. We’ve seen where our surge to happiness has brought us: into the worst economic crisis in 70 years. We buy more, and crave more, and buy more, and never manage to fill ourselves up with more, now matter how big our appetite grows. We seek solace in self-help wisdom, and cultural gurus, yet things don’t always seem to get better.

Happiness is being away of our mortality, yet not succumbing to the fear of it. It’s being aware that our days are numbered, which encourages us to enjoy our relationships, be mindful and enjoy the fleeting nature of things: good music, colors, delicious food and the mystery of nature.

Happiness is there for the taking. It’s those self-imposed obstructions that, with presence and awareness, can free us from the suffering and neurosis that keeps us stuck.

Acceptance of cheating among men has actually decreased in recent years, compared to previous decades, like in the 1970′s, but In the age of instant communication and viral storytelling, cheating has come (and stayed) in the forefront of the cultural consciousness, with the prominence of celebrities and politicians who have cheated, and gotten caught.

But why do men cheat? Do they cheat simply for sexual gratification? The answer is multi-dimensional and not as easy as that.

According to research, the number one reason that men cheat is because they no longer feel appreciated, validated or cared for by their wives. An unsatisfactory sexual relationship may contribute to it, but the vast majority of men admit that it was because they felt neglected at home, didn’t feel appreciated for their efforts or for who they were.

Here’s how it works: A marriage or relationship slowly starts to erode when partners start to distance themselves. Often times, having children takes precedence, and a marriage is redefined in a way that it becomes second priority. Men – when not getting those needs for intimacy, appreciation or validation – begin to feel angry and hostile towards their wives. They start the emotional disconnect from their wives or girlfriends, which, in turn, creates more friction and hostility towards them by their partners. The cycle continues, and many men opt for cheating or infidelity.

In my experience, men are emotional beings that have a very difficult time learning how to access those emotions, and communicate them in a way that their partners understand. Men are used to the avoidance and withdrawal, especially in the realm of getting their needs and feelings met. Often times, they don’t have or haven’t learned the communication tools to be able to fix the problem before it gets bad. They’ll avoid or repress the problem, and not deal with it as it needs to be dealt with.

Here are some highlighted reasons why men cheat, and then added points on the Tiger Woods scandal, to contrast celebrity cheating:

Men dealing with fear is one issue that is so common among guys, yet hardly talked about.

Questions to consider:

• How much of a man’s defensive posturing covers up his feelings of fear?
• Are we really that far removed from that scared little 5 or 6 year old boy inside of us?
• How does running from the fear hurt us and our loved ones?

The culture of men has no room for fear in our culture. American culture encourages guys to stuff it, annihilate it, drink it away, or obscure it with enough anger or rage. Men and fear don’t mix: they never have.

From ancient icons of warrior-kings to modern movie archetypes, men have historically been engaged in a war on fear, which has had negative effects on the planet and the environment, as well as in our families and relationships with ourselves.

Instead of staying with the emotional (and often physiological) experience of fear, men run from it. They hide, and, over time, construct fantasies and illusions that feed the fear and make it exponentially larger than it really is. We suppress and avoid the construct of fear, not really the fear itself. “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself,” proclaimed Franklin Delano Roosevelt said in his first inaugural address in 1932. The walls we construct around our fear makes us avoid it more.

We create imaginary sand castle fortresses, when the reality is that when we can truly experience our fear – in a lived, experiential way, and not just thinking about – then it reduces and goes away. Fear, like any emotion, is a natural emotion that needs to be processed. Think bodily functions, or how the body maintains itself in homeostasis.

Dealing with fear is critical to improving our relationships with others, be they business partners, wives and girlfriends, our children or, most importantly, with ourselves. Fear can be dealt with, but it needs acknowledgement. What it doesn’t need is to be swept under the rug anymore, because that just doesn’t work.

Trying to block out or push back chronic negative thinking about our jobs usually means one thing: we’re not listening to ourselves. Although it’s tough to talk about “do what you love” in the worst economy since forever, it’s another thing to live under a blanket of justifications and reasons to stay inactive and hating our jobs.

Like emotions, which need airing, pushing away that what makes us light up professionally will always be lurking if you choose to not attend to it. As we push our emotions away, they come right back to haunt us, usually with much greater power. Emotions don’t like to be pushed away. Neither does one’s true vocational inspirations. We can push them away, sweep them under the rug, and put up with things as status quo. Our grandfathers and ancestry did this, often toiling away in industrial settings for hours on end.

Symptomatically, we create a world of stress and conflict within our own bodies, our families and our relationships – not just with ourselves, but with those we love most. Our wives and girlfriends know we’re unhappy, but they’re not sure why. They want to help, but feel helpless to change, as do we. We grudgingly paint on our morning smile, and show up to work like a good trooper, masking the discontent we really experience inside. We’re angry, depressed and hiding from ourselves and the world. Is this sensical?

If you’re unhappy in your current work or job, what keeps you there? Again, acknowledging current financial realities, what would happen if the economy were o.k., and you were o.k.? Would you look for a change then? Would you take a step off the plank and seek greater fulfillment and happiness for your worklife then?

It’s a fine line between the current economic realities and using those realities to justify our fear and lack of movement in the world and in our lives. The line is so fine that it takes close introspection to discern one from the other, and only you can do that.