When problems happen in otherwise good relationships and marriages, what I often hear from men is that they don’t feel supported by their wives or their girlfriends. Many check out after several attempts to get the support that they need, and just as many more simply don’t know how to get that support directly from the one they love.

Are you one of those guys who feels disconnected and unsupported from your relationship partner? How do you experience this lack of support?

The problem is, on the surface, a lack of support or validation from your wife or girlfriend. Underneath that lies another, more subtle layer.

Men have a really difficult time recognizing their own needs, and have an even harder time actually connecting to those needs and communicating it (in language she can understand) directly to her. Instead, guys withdraw and stop interacting with women. they’ll tell themselves, “Why try? It’s just too difficult. Of course I want support, but she should know this. I do a lot for her, why do I need to be the one to tell her?”. Reactions happen across the range: some guys do the withdrawal-and-hide-the-anger thing, or some guys just check out of the relationship in general. Some guys get critical, or exercise their frustration through trying to control things or people in their environment. And some other guys just stew in their heads forever trying to figure out “how to fix it.”

Here’s some bullet points to help you. It’s unfortunate to see otherwise good guys in otherwise healthy relationships struggle to simply get validated.

• Ask yourself: “Does she validate me enough? Do I need more from her sometimes?”
• Ask yourself: “How does she show me support now? Could I actually name the ways that she communicates her support to me right now?”
• Talk with your wife or girlfriend, and express your appreciation for the support that she does give you; this will reinforce her behavior, and let her know exactly how you want the support. A lot of times women are clueless about how the support/validation is actually absorbed by their guy.
• Write down (on paper) what you would like validation or support for. Are there certain things that you’re contributing to her life, the kids’ lives, or to the household in general? Make a list of those things, to develop your own awareness about what those things actually are.
• Admit there’s a problem, both to yourself and to her. Make some time to communicate with her (hopefully, not during or after a fight). Say: “You know, I’m needing something from you and our relationship, and sometimes I don’t quite know how to ask you. I need to hear more supportive things from you around (x) and (y), and it would make me feel much closer to you.”
• If you sense you’re starting to withdraw or get angry, ask yourself “What am I needing in this moment?”. There’s usually an emotional reaction when we’re not getting a certain need me. This is an extremely powerful statement, so use this liberally when you get upset.

Hopefully, you can employ some of these helpful tips to get the support and validation you need and deserve in your intimate relationship. We’ll be talking about how to give the support and validation back to her in the next blog post. Stay tuned.

Our time is crunched, and we only have so many hours in the day. Sometimes, even that’s no enough. Unless we’re super-organized, lack of time management can overwhelm us and suffocate us. It adds unneeded pressure to an already pressured lifestyle. Guys have many different roles to play: employee, husband, boyfriend, son, and friend. We’re constantly challenged to successfully meet the demands of those roles, and then some. Sometimes, due to poor time management skills, we can barely give more than the minimum to any relationship.

Stress is a byproduct of poor time management, and so is poor sleep. When we’re overloaded, and have too much to do, we constantly worry and ruminate on those things we still need to do. Our sleep gets affected, and the vicious cycle begins. We’re only giving a fraction of ourselves to others and commitments when we’re not fully rested, and when we’re spread too thin.

For you Valley guys, seeking out Phoenix therapy to help deal with the underlying causes of poor time management is going to the root of the problem. Even iPhones and Droids don’t help with everything; there’s still a human component to time management problems behind the device.

Staying organized and identifying and prioritizing those things in our lives that need more of our attention are the first two things you can do to reduce time management problems. Keeping a to-do list is good, but not if you’re not going to use it or if it’s going to become a hindrance for you. It’s important to find a system that will work well for you, so that you know what dates and appointments to expect before hand. Remember, as goes in health: proactivity is better than reactivity. Time management stress only appears as a reactive symptom, when you’re not doing anything to help yourself.

One thing guys have a really difficult time doing is leaving their taskmaster at the door, and this creates a ton of relationship and marriage conflict. How?

Guys – in their masculine energy – are used to employing their “task orientation” skills to get things done: at work, at the gym, navigating, fixing cars and whatnot. Problem solving skills can be used effectively, but often not so well in a marriage or relationship. It simply doesn’t work.

Women are very different creatures, and guys forget this. Relationship harmony requires checking that taskmaster or “accomplisher” at the door. Those roles are fueled by a certain masculine energy that can oppress and suffocate a lot of women, or relationship partners in general. I see this in reverse just the same: women can easily fall victim to not knowing when to leave their taskmaster at the door.

The problems with this? Again, it can be oppressive to the other relationship partner, it can cause anger, and it communicates criticism and judgment towards the partner who is “not on board” with the program. Often, women (who bring more yin that yang) are about “being”, versus men who are about “doing.” Men’s yang energy (read:”bright positive masculine principle” in Chinese translation) can create an imbalance when guys don’t know how to contain it, or check it at the door when they get home.

The sweet spot is the balance in between. Guys can develop their awareness to balance the forces, and to employ the “taskmaster” or masculine energy at will when it’s needed: in the boardroom, in the bedroom, etc. Knowing how to hang out in the “being” place a little more is tricky for many guys.

Your relationship or marriage can benefit with the development of both the “being” and the “doing” experiences. Therapy or counseling can often help with the emotional development and expression of those energies, and to figure out where the blocks, and then to remove them.