I’ve been thinking a lot about what is takes to be a good man. I think there are plenty of answers out there: from media and culture, to our own preconceptions of what it means to be a man. But what if we truly listened to ourselves and came up with our own answers?

I’ve decided to put together a men’s self-assessment, and included five areas of life that I think are key to developing oneself as a man. Take a couples of minutes out on a break to consider your answers to these life areas.

• Living Your Values
• Do you live by what you believe in? How so?
• Is there a difference between what you believe in and how you practice your life? If yes,
• Being Genuine/Authentic
• Are you truly open and honest about your thoughts, feelings and behaviors to those close to you? If not, how do you prevent or inhibit yourself?
• Are you generally being true with yourself? If not, how are you untrue to yourself?
• Taking Responsibility
• Do you find yourself playing the ‘victim’ to others, or life in general? How?
• Is it hard to “own” your stuff, even if it’s negative, paints you in a negative light, or tarnishes your facade? Why?
• Practicing Self-Respect
• Do you practice regular self care, such as exercise, good nutrition, stress management? If not, what gets in your way?
• Can you keep healthy boundaries with others (i.e. be firm with others by saying ‘no’, not compromising your values, etc.). If not, how are you flexible on your boundaries with others?
• Do you criticize or judge yourself too harshly? What do you get out of this, if you do?
• Navigating Life Balance
• How does your life tip out of balance? What are your “traps” to fall out of balance (i.e. work, kids, etc.)
• Would others in your life consider you to be balanced in your life? What would they say?
• What is one area of your life that begs for your attention, in needing more balance? What is one thing you can do to feed that unattended part of your life?

What answers did you come up with? Were you surprised by any of your answers? It’s hard to take an honest look at ourselves, when life commands our attention, or when our perception of ourselves is filtered through other people.

If you came up with more questions, let those be the starting point to develop your next answers. How can you develop an action plan to be able to improve some of these life areas for yourself? Will it take time, money, energy, other people – what resources will you need to seek out to help you in developing these things?

Taking an honest look at ourselves takes some courage, especially if we’re not in the habit of doing so. Try to make small but incremental changes in developing your awareness. You can’t change what you’re not aware of, so stay open and get others feedback if you choose. All the luck and support to you.

When you’re bombarded with life chores and events, creating a space to plug out and decompress is hard. It’s easy to get caught in the whirlwind of daily life, but creating a regular space and time to fill yourself up could give you that extra charge you need by doing very little.

See, most men are task-oriented. It’s inconceivable for some guys to think of decompressing and doing nothing. And I’m not necessarily talking about kicking back with a drink or two (or three).

Men can be just as guilty of giving out more than they’re taking in. We end up neglecting ourselves and our need to recharge, which creates problems down the line. When we fail to meet this need, it appears as stress, physical problems, anger, irritability, frustration and feeling generally short with the world. We feel worn out, chronically exhausted and not at rest.

One related issue is that there are some guys who need to be busy 24/7. Some find that they can distract themselves with an ever greater to-do list, or can avoid their problems at home with burying their head in work. I talk with others who “thrive on chaos,” except it’s the chaos that eventually wins in the end.

What to do when creating time alone:

• Recognize that there’s a difference between finding alone time, and disconnecting from your relationship or marriage (if you’re in one). It’s a fine line, and it takes some time to do, but navigating the fine line between finding alone time and still staying connected to your partner is key.
• Communicate with your partner about this need for “plugging out”, and assure them that you are with them, you love them, and you need some decompression/time for yourself. They’ll understand if you communicate this clearly, and if not, they may think you’re avoiding them.
• Identify what makes you happy with the time you’ve got: do I like to just veg on the couch? Do I want to lift weights? Do I want to sit and read, or just contemplate? It’s up to you, and getting in touch with what works for you is important, because it’s different for each person.
• Clearly draw the line in the sand between personal time, work time and family/relationship time. It’s too easy for those lines to blur, and then you go back to feeling irritable and frustrated.
• If you don’t know what that time looks like, or how to just be with yourself, think about it over the next week. Ask yourself “at what points in time do I feel relaxed (when not on vacation)?” “How can I create more of that feeling of relaxation or rest in my home or on my free time?” And, “what’s preventing me from doing more of it?
• Get support from your partner or mate: they’ll understand that need and care for your well-being. Plan on creating both of your alone times at the same time, before you reconnect.
• If you need to immediately decompress when you come in the door, and you’re in a relationship, make that need know when you’re not just walking in the door. Discuss it with your partner at a different date, and tell them it’s important for you to disconnect before reconnecting and talking.

What not to do:

• Fall into smoking pot or drinking for your alone time. If you’re not careful, you may be inadvertently avoiding your pain or problems in your life. Watch out.
• Just expect that the time will present itself to you. You need to take the bull by the horns, and block out the time every week, or every day if need be. You know yourself, and it’s different for each guy.
• Stop communicating your need for time alone on a regular basis with your partner
• Stop planning your schedule to include personal or free time.
• Start planning out more things to-do, because this is your down time
• Fail to create and execute what your down time looks like, because without sketching out what your time looks like, it may not appear.

In “The Hustler”, Paul Newman plays a pool shark named Fast Eddie Felson. He is as natural as they come, but Fast Eddie has a handicap: he struggles with thinking he’s a “born loser”, as one character types him. He hides behind large quantities of alcohol, and starts working for a sinister professional gambler named Bert Gordon (a brilliant role by George C. Scott).

Fast Eddie is seeking personal fulfillment, while succumbing to the role of the loser. It got me thinking about how we trip ourselves up with “loser” type-thinking.  Eddie finally has a catharsis after the suicide of his girlfriend, played by Piper Laurie, and is able to realize his potential and shuck the “loser” mentality off to beat legend Minnesota Fats (Jackie Gleason). But how many of us are truly able to shuck off the loser thinking and fulfill our potential?

Many guys I work with look successful on the outside, and have all the trappings of what looks like success: careers, family, cars, money, power, etc. But on the inside, I think there’s a lot of us that still think we’re losers, even if we’re not to others.

First, identifying that we think like this could be a powerful wake up call to change. Often times, we get in the unconscious habit of thinking “successfully”, and not attending to the underlying loser “voice” below. We strive so hard to beat, fight and slay the “loser” that we work double time to get rid of it. And yet, the loser voice doesn’t go anywhere – it just grows stronger.

How else can you help kick the “loser” out of your life?

• Start to recognize the loser voice: let it come up and don’t push it away. It’s got something to say, and let it play out. It won’t make you a “loser” to just allow that voice some airtime.
• Journal about your experiences when the “loser” voice comes up. Create a special journal or use a dictation app on your phone and make time a couple of times a week to get in touch with that voice.
• Consider your family of origin background: Did you take in messages that you weren’t good enough as you were? Was it hard to do things without being criticized or shamed?
• Ask yourself: do I work extra hard to suppress my “loser” voice? A lot of men work double time – at work, at play, in relationships – to keep that voice locked up. Try to see how you “overcompensate” for feeling like a loser.
• Share your feelings with someone you trust: your partner, a trusted friend, a family member. Chances are pretty good that that person has dealt with these feelings, and that you’re not alone.
• Take charge of your “loser” voice: work to affirm yourself for your strengths, talents, gifts and the like. You’ve got just as many of those things that, when seeing your reality, can override your “loser” voice.
• Watch “The Hustler” on Netflix
• Get in touch with the feelings behind your experience of being a loser: is there sadness? Is there pain? Are there feelings of shame and embarrassment, or inferiority? Those can be dealt with. Seek out some support, or some counseling to help.
• Know you’re not alone: in my humble opinion, most men deal with thinking this way. Inside, most guys have a scared little boy who’s not feeling good enough, successful enough, etc. Even if other guys aren’t talking, I can tell you this can very much be the truth.

Fast Eddie overcame his label of “born loser”: he ass-kicked Minnesota Fats in the end. You have all the resources you need inside of you to not just look successful, but to believe it on the inside. What prevents us from kicking the “loser” out is ourselves. Removing those roadblocks means believing you are genuinely powerful and successful, and not the “loser” you’ve believed yourself to be.

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As much as you try to be and look successful, is there a part of your inner voice that says you’re a loser? Most guys deal with this inner critic, that undermines their real success in the world. Jason looks at this negative self-beliefs in this 2 1/2 min. video, Kicking the “Loser” Thinking, and gives you some tips to think about when confronting these negative self-beliefs.

It’s easy to compare ourselves to others when you’re feeling insecure about our own selves or situations. When we get into comparing ourselves to others, we get into a never-ending cycle of wishing and wanting, and not feeling good enough about our own selves or our own performance.

When we’re feeling low, the natural tendency to start to want to be someone else or have what someone else has is natural. Our minds start to generate a lot of fantasies and wishes to be “the next guy.” we may want what we perceive they have: a nice car, a better marriage, more confidence, or whatever. The reality is, we really just don’t know what they have and what they don’t have, because other men display their social personalities which may be a lot different from what’s actually happening inside of them. When we compare ourselves to them (or what we think is them), we are actually comparing ourselves to our fantasies of what we think they are or what it is that they have. The fact is, we really don’t know, and we end up comparing ourselves to something that might be more of an illusion then reality.

When we get into comparing ourselves with others, it’s more of a reflection about how we are feeling down about ourselves. If we can learn how to deal with ourselves instead of seeking out fulfillment from other people, by striving to be what it is that we think that they are, we can learn to stop the cycle of suffering and striving, and start to deal with our own unhappiness or self image.

This is really hard to do, because we exist in a culture that thrives on comparing ourselves to other people. If we don’t have the right job, where the right close, have the right mate or live a certain lifestyle, we are not as worthy, according to our culture. Consumerism is based on us striving and not being content with what we have, and so we get predisposed at an early age to compare ourselves to others, or even ourselves, about what we need to own, need to be, or need to think. This is a black hole that is never-ending, and it doesn’t produce ultimate satisfaction and positive self-esteem.

Even comparing ourselves to ourselves is a problem. Often times, our inner dialogue is dominated by our self critic, which shames us and blames us for not being good enough, not having enough, and not doing enough. A lot of men struggle with shame as a result, and tend to be depressed, anxious, or generally withdrawal from others as a result of struggling with their inner critic. Comparing ourselves to others is merely a symptom of comparing ourselves to ourselves, and we can start to deal with our self critic or the voice inside of us that negates us and says “we’re not enough,” we can start to take a hard look at that which generates our unhappiness.

Here are some things to think about when comparing ourselves to others, or even ourselves:

• Try to reframe your comparisons to others: question your comparison to others, and consider that your comparison may not be accurate; the reality may be more than meets the eye.
• Try fantasizing about what would happen if you were to actually gain or attain that which are striving to get. What would that look like? instead of spending summers mental energy fantasizing about what you don’t have, what you’re not, and what you’d like to be, actually create a mental projection of how it would be to actually be that way/own that thing/act in that way. What would life be like when you were to be at that point? Would you be happy then?
• Shift the ” locus of evaluation” from outside to inside: instead of comparing yourselves others outside of yourself, try turning the conversation inwards. try to look at the comparisons that you make against yourself, and start to make note of those things. Try writing the comparisons down in a journal, or talking about it with your mate or spouse.
• Usually our comparisons and strivings are a mental game we play with ourselves. If you can sit back, relax, and sink into the felt sense your body, behind the mental comparisons, how does that feel? if you’re struggling with a feeling of “not good enough”, let that sensation, inside of your body, maybe in your heart, shoulders, or stomach. A lot of times, we just don’t tune into what our body is telling us, and instead let our minds drive us on autopilot. We convince ourselves that the mental comparisons are reality, and in fact, they are not.

These are just a couple of things to think about to help you reduce your energy investment in comparison to other people. As long as were caught in this never-ending cycle of comparing ourselves to other people, ourselves, or external situations, we will never be ultimately happy because were going to keep striving and not reach the finish line.

If we look closely enough, we find that a lot of our behavior we can trace back to messages that we received growing up from our families of origin, or, more specifically, from our parents. As small children, our parents are our original models, and we learn about how the world works from them.

A lot of those messages we need to incorporate into our worldview for survival. Unfortunately, many of those messages are outdated, and continue to run like tapes in our brain. Those outdated tapes may continue to play on loop, and our behaviors, emotions, and thoughts are a product of those repeating messages. The relationships that we get into as adults are, in some part, formed from those outdated tapes. We learn plenty of good things from our parents about relationships; we also learn plenty of things that just don’t help us.

Challenging your family of origin messages, or those negative tapes, is the first step towards awareness and waking up to the fact that those tapes or messages can be changed.

Specifically, a lot of our ways of thinking about critical issues come from our parents: money, sex, intimacy, gender roles, professional images, how we fight in relationships, and all types of negative behaviors. We incorporate those messages into our experiences, and have varying degrees of awareness about them.

For men, a lot of the messages about stuffing your emotions, the message that “real men don’t cry”, and about learning how to withdraw, come from having learned those behaviors from a parent growing up, often times from a guys dad. When we get conscious of those  messages, we try to fight them, and sometimes succeed, and sometimes don’t. We often live in overcompensation mode, where we’ll “work harder, be better, be kinder, make more money,” and everything against what a parent did originally.

We have to challenge your family of origin messages to be able to grow up on our own. As long as we carry within us negative family of origin messages that are outdated, we stay stuck in the past and don’t consider alternative ways of being, and lose out on the chance to grow through those messages.

If we’re wanting to develop more confidence and better self-esteem, we have to deal with those early messages that communicated to us that we’re not good enough. If we want to develop healthier lifestyle choices, it may be that we have to face some ways of being that we’ve taken for granted, and have learned from our parents over the years. If we want to learn how to be a better money manager, it may benefit us to take a look at the internalized family tapes that play around money and the problems that result.

Challenging your family of origin messages is difficult. Many times, men stay complacent and don’t really challenge the status quo, where those tapes lie. If we can learn to become aware of some of those negative messages that play, we weaken certain challenge them and incorporate new messages that really will work for us. Change is difficult, and sometimes submitting to those early messages is just more convenient. The promise of being set free through shedding those messages is a promise you can’t afford not to make.

Unhappiness usually begins with ourselves. Other people may trigger us to feel negative or down, but were largely responsible for our own selves. How we communicate with ourselves is often an indicator of personal happiness. Self talk, or the inner dialogue that we have with ourselves, is something that people are not always aware of as it’s happening. We’re usually pretty reactive to people and situations, and tend to forget what’s happening behind the scenes, or how we’re talking to ourselves. The reality is that so often, we are wrapped up in negative self talk and verbal abuse towards ourselves. Being caught up in this kind of self talk makes it really difficult to connect with ourselves in a healthy way, and, consequently, to relate to others in a kinder, friendlier fashion.

Upon his first experience of Western self-criticism, the Dalai Lama was puzzled. In Tibet, where he’s from, there was no concept of a self critic. When I read this, I was impressed. As Americans, we’re so embroiled in negative self talk and beating up on ourselves, it never occurred to me that other cultures might find this a curiosity.

When we get into negative self talk, it’s usually centered around the idea that “I’m just not good enough.” we may have grown up with these messages, from our families of origin, and have been reinforced through other institutions, like school, church, and sports. We internalized these messages so many times, and after enough repetition, began to believe. So, as adults, we identify strongly with that negative inner critic. The problem is, we’re much more than that.

When you find yourself speaking harshly to yourself, beating up on or generally feeling negative towards yourself, remember that there are ways to deal with this. Here’s some important ideas to remember:

• The inner self critic is not truly who you are
• It developed over continual messaging and reinforcement while growing up
• We often strive to quiet the voice, usually with working harder to overcompensate
• This negative self critic is often a symptom of how we feel inferior, or just not good enough, to ourselves or others.
• There is most often times pain, fear or sadness underlying the experience of the negative self critic. Sometimes, it’s important to get in touch with the felt sense in our bodies, rather than continuing to intellectually feed the negative self critic with more negative thoughts.
• Practicing kindness with your self is the best gift that you can get yourself. It will spill out onto how you treat others. rehearse validating yourself for doing good work, setting aside time to take care of yourself or have downtime, and generally start to improve the relationship with yourself first.
• Remember that if you’re feeling critical overly critical or judgmental of others, you may be doing that to yourself first.
• Building positive self-esteem and better confidence comes from learning to change the inner verbal dialogue with ourselves.

Dealing with our inner self critic is tricky. It’s easier sometimes to just say what’s wrong with other people, or put our problems on the world, but looking inward and seeing the inner mental chaos that often drives us, we see a different picture. Changing the nature of how we relate to and treat ourselves is the first step towards more happiness and personal freedom.

Ah, yes. Negativity. It erodes ourselves and our relationships. Many of us are so under it’s spell, we don’t even know that we spew it the world.

What’s really behind all this negativity? Let’s take a look at several vantage points on negativity:

Anger: When we’re unresolved in our anger, we tend to have negative thoughts and feelings, which leads us to usually verbal negativity. As long as we haven’t dealt with the anger inside our ourselves, we stay negative. Negativity is more of an intellectual construct; anger, on the other hand, is more of an emotion that we can transform, if we can get in touch with it.

Superiority: we we think we’re better than others, and posture ourselves in the world as more superior to them.

Criticism: Usually, we criticize others because we can’t get what we need from them directly, or we are posturing ourselves as superior over them. Being critical is often something learned when we were young; it might have been a way that a parent interacted with us. We internalized that at some point, channelled the criticism onto ourselves (the self-critic), and then out onto other people. It’s not really a direct way of dealing with others.

Victimization: is when we play the victim to our lives. Often times, this entails being negative about the world, and prevents us from taking full ownership of the problem ourselves. It’s much harder to own responsibility for our situation, than blame others, especially our family, work situations or partners, for our unhappiness.

Unhappiness: We may be generally unhappy, and might not be admitting it to ourselves. Sometimes, to stop and say to ourselves, “You know, I think I’m unhappy,” is the beginning of taking ownership for our situation. As long as we hinge our happiness onto other’s wagons, we also allow for them to disappoint us, too. We need others for happiness, but sometimes we take this too far.

Stress: When we’re stressed, negativity is sometimes a byproduct of our stress. We’re tired, irritable, or just plain can’t find anything positive or joyful to look at. Good stress management is critical to dealing with negativity. By learning to lower our stress, we take responsibility for ourselves, and make others happier in the meanwhile. Lower stress levels mean less negativity.

Negativity addiction: this is more engrained, but there are plenty of people who need to be negative, because their whole identity is invested in it. If they were to not be negative, who would they be? We identify ourselves as many things in life, and, unfortunately, some of those identifications are neurotic or not growth-promoting. Many people whose identities are negative in nature may, unconsciously, feel like they need those to be who they need to be. Usually, when we let go of the negativity, we have to be with ourselves and re-create ourselves. It’s a very difficult thing to do; negativity acts like a security blanket we just don’t give up.

1. Not overworking to the point of exhaustion. Ask yourself, “Are there parts of work I can do less of for my own health and happiness?”
2. Eat right: There are foods that will aggravate stress, and foods that will sedate stress. Try cutting down or quitting caffeinated and sugary drinks and foods that increase stress levels. Try eating more complex carbohydrates, lean meats and fish, and vegetables and fruits.
3. Getting daily exercise: This is a tough one, because it’s really hard to make a regular schedule to exercise and get to the gym. It can be work in itself. This is a lifestyle change, not an instantaneous  “hit the gym once in a while” thing, so pace yourself. Stress happens over time, and your stress combat plan should develop over the long term.
4. Practice relaxation: Yoga, meditation, even mindful breathing are all superior techniques to help reduce stress.
5. Network development: Many times, guys don’t have anyone to talk to. They might not talk with their other male friends, and their wife or girlfriend may be stressed in her own way. Making the outlet to talk and creating a support network is essential to stress management. Without it, we end up stuffing stress, letting it fester and building it up over time to create much worse problems.
6. Develop routines: stress is a part of everyday life, and those that have the plans most easily executed will come out on top of their stress. See the lifestyle changes you’re making as integral to your lifestyle, not a temporary thing or fad. If you set your sights on stress management as a high value for you, you’ll start to choose behaviors that reflect that value.
7. Practice positive psychology: Thinking positively – while hard for some – trains your brain to see things through a different scope. Choose optimism over negativity.
8. Reduce alcohol consumption: Alcohol is a depressant, and it also affects your sleep by increasing the body’s stress hormone epinephrine, which stimulates heart rate and stress. Alcohol, in moderation, can take the ease off stress, but, for the long term, it’s not the best solution.
9. Say ‘no’ more: Too many guys are just as guilty of not saying ‘no’ as their female counterparts. When we can’t say ‘no’, we guilt ourselves into accepting more and more from others, whether that’s doing favors, taking on more work, or generally stuffing our own need to do less. Learn to take on less responsibility, and learn to say ‘no’ – the world won’t end if you do.
10. Manage your time: The inability to manage time erodes our foundation to deal with stress. Not being able to deal efficiently with all that’s thrown at us in a day can shut your whole machine down quickly. Learn to manage your time, and you’ll immediately experience better stress reduction. Use lists, calendars, and your phone. Plan commuting times, cook on Sundays for the week’s worth of lunches, and generally start to visualize your upcoming week, so that you can do what you need to do before it needs to be done.

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We’ve explored receiving support, and giving support, in the last two posts. Today, we identify the ways to express more support to your wife or girlfriend, so you can start employing them into your relationship or marriage.

• Take the time (even for 5 min. a day) to simply listen. Sit down with her, make eye contact, and actively listen. Reflect back what you hear from her, as she says it; you can achieve this without sounding like a counselor or therapist.
• Understand that “doing” things for her is different from “being”; making weekend plans, doing the grocery shopping or laundry, or taking her car in for a wash are “doing” things. Guys have a hard time with this, as we’re executors. Try “being” their for her (see above bullet point)
• Tell her she’s a great girlfriend/wife/mother
• Be specific about what you love about her, or what you support her for (women like the specifics)
• Communicate to her that she’s smart or funny, as well as sexy; a healthy mix of support about her physique, as well as her character, will get you a long way.
• Ask simply: “How can I help?” This will payoff big-time. It’ll communicate to her that you care about her and her needs. Develop a “how can I help” mindset, and this will radically change your relationship for the better.
• If there’s a problem in your relationship that you don’t see, or don’t want to see, consider that there might be one for her. Just because you don’t see the problem, doesn’t mean it’s not there. Admitting that there’s a problem, and risking asking for help, is supporting her, and supporting your relationship

These tips should go a long way towards both communicating your support for the woman you love, and express your caring and concern for the well-being of your relationship. If you commit to working on these actively, and making them an integral part of your relationship on a day-to-day basis, you’re both going to be a lot happier that you did. She’ll be quite happy with you.