Without a rudder, it becomes really difficult to steer our boat. We get tossed about on the seas, swing this way and that. The sense of direction is lost, and our journey is haphazard and without focus momentum.

Finding purpose — whether that be in our relationships, work, play or friendships — is outfitting your boat with a rudder. Actions and behaviors become intentional, and they become filled with a focused purpose. No longer are we just victims of circumstance or of our own lives.

Many people without that purpose, without that inner knowing, enter and exit situations within their lives in a very indiscriminate way. Without purpose, we are left to our impulsive mind to take over. And often times, that impulsive mind makes decisions for us that are not aligned with our deeper and truer purpose. We get into relationships that we look back on and think, “That was really not good for me in the long run.” we take jobs that we don’t really want to take, and spend money in places that we don’t really mean to.

Developing purpose is like bringing a high-powered laser into the equation. We have a very powerful tool in which to create a focus and energy to direct towards those people, places, and experiences that will enhance our sense of purpose, and fulfill those ideas about how our lives should be led, which makes us happier.

Connecting to that purpose — not just identifying it — is just as important. Learning how to connect regularly to that which brings us purpose is critical to our success and our happiness. Creating a regular relationship with those things that bring us purpose reinforces our sense of purpose and continually teaches us how to spend our precious time, energy and resources. What’s just as important is to identify those roadblocks and barriers to finding our purpose, which in some cases, can be just as much of a pursuit as going directly after our purpose.

To start, a couple needs to mutually agree that counseling is what they want to do, and how they want to go about helping their marriage. Often times, one partner is hesistant or resistant to coming in and starting the marriage counseling process. Men have resistance to the process, as sometimes they think that the marriage counselor will side with the wife, and will malign against them. Having two marriage counselors works, and, as a counselor for men and couples here in Phoenix, Arizona, I can tell you it’s a lot easier to get men to come in when they think that a male counselor both understands their side and is less likely to side with their wife and against them.

How will you know if you need marriage counseling? A lot of couples report fighting incessantly over the same things, time and again. Fights and conflicts start from the smallest things, where it used to take quite a bit in the past to get a fight going. When communication is shut down, or nonexistent, then it’s usually time to seek out the help of a professional counselor or therapist. When joy and fun have waned, it’s probably time to seek out someone’s help. If you think that all you have together are external things, such as the children, house, car, lifestyle, or anything else outside of the relationship or marriage that keeps you together, it’s probably time to get help. The marriage needs to be happy on its own, and stand on its own two legs, not on outside things that prop it up.

Admitting that you both need marriage counseling is the hard part. Actually saying to yourself, and then to your spouse, that you think you both need help is a big step in the process of reparation and healing. Making the call is the next step.