Whether in relationships, at work, or with oneself, there are a multitude of ways to sabotage yourself from getting what you want in your life.

In undermining our own success, we set up scenarios in which we fail, or hold ourselves back unconsciously from what we really want, often out of negative emotions or beliefs that fail to hold up under scrutiny in the real world. In effect, we hold ourselves back, and often don’t know how we do.

If you think you self-sabotage yourself, might any of these things characterize your behavior?

• Constantly beat up on yourself
• Let yourself believe the negative or worst case scenario
• Let others decide for you, including women
• Succumb to and make decisions out of fear
• Prevent relationships from developing because you’ve got walls, armor, or other barriers that keep others out

Lacking in self-support and inner resources, those men who self-sabotage seem to constantly make decisions that are bad for them, or at the least, make them deviate from their own path to success in life.

What does self-sabotage look like?

• Believing you’re no good, or worthless, and then choosing behaviors that align with that belief, like being underemployed, choosing a wife or girlfriend who likes you “enough”
• Not having confidence in yourself and your abilities to have success, whether as successful relationships, good self-esteem, or in one’s professional aspirations
• Attacking others in our lives, and those close to us, because we hide, protect ourselves and fend off from really showing others our genuineness and authentic self.
• Not moving forward, staying stuck, or failing to make good decisions, out of fear of failure, fear of success, low self-esteem, or any number of other reasons.

People are attracted to those guys who are confident and not at war with themselves. Self-saboteurs are in a war with themselves, so it’s going to be difficult to attract healthy, growth-oriented people into the realm or the self-saboteur. Even if we say that we want them in our lives, we may be attracting the wrong kinds of people, whether those be women, jobs, friends or the like.

To want health is different from attracting health: if we’re still at war with ourselves, we end up attracting others (read: intimate partners) that conspire in our self-abuse. And that’s not what we want for ourselves. That’s not how we see our lives as healthy and growth-promoting.

What can you do to stop the saboteur in you?

1. Develop self-support: start a new relationship with yourself by being kind to yourself, getting to know yourself more and work at easing up on yourself.
2. Practice being genuine with others, even if that means letting them inside your fortress a bit
3. Tame the self-critic: Get counseling, journal, channel your anger in other, more productive outlets, get physical exercise, and try meditation to focus the mind. You need to admit to yourself that you and your self-critic are different entities, and that you’re at war with him. most people don’t see this or admit it, and it’s the first step to becoming whole.
4. Understand how you sabotage yourself, Whether through anger, fear, jealousy, insecurity or inferiority. Maybe it’s a mix, or maybe it’s all of them together.
5. Seek out the support of others: Attract heathy people into your life that support your journey of health, not enable it or undermine your health. Yeah, we’ve all got people in our lives that feed the self-sabotaging we do, so reconsider some of those relationships through this process.

Instead of the 40 hour workweek, somehow we ended up extending back quite a bit beyond those boundaries over the last couple of decades. We’ve become accustomed to working 45, 55, 60 and more hours a week. I even talked with guys who regularly clock in about 80 hours on the job a week.

Even though economic conditions have worsened in the last couple of years, and things are tighter overall, there seems to have been a pervasive cultural message to work as much as we can. I think that that’s changing the last couple of years, with people reconsidering their lives and trying to budget time for things that really matter to them, like family, hobbies, and other life experiences. And younger guys seem to have taken this heart: by seeing their fathers worked tirelessly, more and more guys are trying to find what work allows them to apply their passions, and doesn’t kill them in the process.

But, workaholism still runs rampant in our culture today. Plenty of guys they’re either head in the sand and press ahead robotically to get ahead. Some are so driven by power, success for money that it blinds them to the rest of the rose bushes that they’re zooming past.

Usually, the first thing that materializes as a problem is marital or relationship problems. I hear a lot of women complaining that their guy works too much or too hard, and doesn’t have time for them. They complain about not having regular date nights, not having sex regularly, or just generally feeling unattended to emotionally. Many guys don’t see this until it’s too late, and then come in to count and try to help to patch up what’s already broken beyond repair.

Is this you? I know I’ve been guilty working too hard sometimes, but moderation is definitely the key. Do you find that you’re able to create the kind of work life balance that’s needed to create an optimal life for you?

Here’s four things to think about if you may be a workaholic:

1. You probably aren’t attending to your self, whether it’s diet, exercise, sleep, or your own emotional state. Forging out a life in balance means investing some energy in those areas of your life. Start small, and make commitments each week to modify one or more areas.

2. Get feedback: ask those closest to you how they see. Are you accessible for people when they need you? Do they feel like they’ve “got” you when they need you, or is there experience that you’re always attending to other things?

3. For dads: to consider if you were own father was a workaholic, and if he wasn’t there. Ask yourself if you may be re-creating the same cycle each over again, and if so, take preventative measures to stop it. You wouldn’t want your son or daughter to grow up feeling like you weren’t there, even if that’s how you felt growing up. Would you?

4. Identify why you’re working so hard. Is it for the money? Is it because you’re avoiding something, such as wanting to be home? Are you a perfectionist, or just hungry to climb the ladder at work? Identifying your motivations is really the Ground Zero for making changes to your life, and understanding why you’re doing something is key. It may not be easy, but if you spend enough time meditating on this issue, you may come up with some surprising results.

Plenty of men turn to work to provide a variety of needs: sense of identity, sense of purpose, money, power, prestige, for since a family, whatever. But, like anything else, if you lose moderation and a work/life balance, it may be easy to get lost in work and not be able to find your way out.

Jealousy and insecurity go hand-in-hand: when were feeling insecure about ourselves, it usually is expressed in the form of jealousy about our partner. We may fantasize that they are cheating on us, not in love with us, or seeking out affirmation or attention from other people. In fact, we may go to great lengths to legitimize those irrational concerns, by checking phones, e-mail accounts or the like. But, the bottom line is, we have to learn how to take responsibility for our own fears and insecurities, and open up to them to be able to forge a deeper connection with our partner.

How can we deal more effectively with jealousy in our relationship? Here’s some ideas to consider:

1. Take responsibility for our own fear and insecurity, as well as anger
2. Identify points in the past where our relationships have burned us, and where we are currently stuck in the mud.
3. Communicate with your partner about some of your deeper fears about losing them, having them leave us, finding another mate that might be “superior” to us in some way
4. Understand that all men deal with this, and most guys struggle with this in one way or another.
5. Realize that your partner has a will of her own, and that if there are problems in your relationship or marriage, it’s her responsibility to come to you with those problems and not cheat on you.

Jealousy is as old as human existence. We fear “mate poaching,” or someone coming in and swooping up our partner. Aside from the evolutionary function of this fear, this type of thinking is irrational and can distance ourselves from the ones we truly love and want to be close to.

1. Stop spending money to impress people, by picking up the tab to impress others, or yourself. Plan on when you’re going to pick up the tab before you even go out, then ask yourself why you’re doing it.
2. Start investing in the things that you value long-term, such as retirement, kids’ college, a trip to Fiji with you wife
3. Agree to make time with your spouse to have a “Money Talk” every month, say on Sunday morning, and talk about not only money logistics, but fears, concerns and stressors associated with money or work.
4. Carry cash: this way, you’ll see your money going out of your hands steadily, and not be divorced from the process of spending money by using a debit or credit card. You’ll have a greater appreciation for the money that you’re making, and parting with.
5. Break the deficiency mentality: This is harder, because a lot of our messages around money we’ve inherited from our parents. If you live in the deficiency mentality, you’ll always feel impoverished and feel like you’re living paycheck to paycheck. Seek out help, such as counseling, to bust up those difficult messages from your family of origin.
6. Before buying a new car or house, ask yourself, “Could I be happier with something less? how will this purchase bring me increase happiness?” Maybe the difference between buying a $35,000 new car, and a $20,000 previously owned car isn’t really all that different. It’s possible that you could be happy with the $20,000 car, and sack away $15,000 into a retirement savings account and achieve a different sense of happiness–one that promotes your long-term well-being.
7. Minimize indulgences: a lot of the time we indulge in things that we don’t really need, simply because we can or we think we should treat ourselves or indulge ourselves. If we train ourselves to buy ourselves things to make ourselves feel good, and don’t really need their own those things, we set ourselves up for trouble. When were feeling blue, or scared, or happy, we then seek out the thrill of buying something new, which only works for a limited time.
8. Remember that people don’t like you or hang out with you for your money, even if you think so. and if they do, it’s probably time to reconsider your friendships. You may be allotting a lot of money towards a lifestyle that is designed more for impression, and less for your own personal satisfaction. Is this you? If so, it may be time to start reconsidering how you’re spending your money, and if the lifestyle you’re living is truly aligned with your own values, or designed to impress others.
9. If she loves you, she’s not always can need to spend money on her. If she’s the right one for you, you will need to bust your ass to buy her things and shower her with gifts. There are plenty of ways that you can show her love, caring and affection that aren’t about gifts, meals, trips or shopping. In fact, most women want you to be able to be emotionally giving, which usually doesn’t require spending money. Guys mix this up all the time. They try to show their carrying affection for women with material things or doing things for them. Save yourself a little the cash and start to tune into what she really wants from you.

If you’re like most men, it may take you a while to come around to the realization that there are problems in your relationship or marriage. some couples think that if they don’t fight, all is well. But is it? Are you both really okay, or is that what you’re telling yourselves?

For guys, the thought of going in the couples counseling is comparable to getting a root canal. The thought of showing up in the counselor’s office and starting to take a look at the problems, and ultimately, their role in the problems, is no picnic. Added to that, most guys think that the therapist is going to side with their wife or girlfriend, and end up attacking them.

Most of the myths that we generate about couples counseling are false. The right counselor can understand these things, and work with you to help you feel comfortable and not like you’re on the hot seat. The right approach to couples counseling is also critical for the successful goals you want to accomplish with your wife or girlfriend.

One extremely effective orientation to marriage counseling comes in the form of what’s known as EFT, or Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples. The success rate is quite high: studies are coming out that show couples have a better than 70% repair rate from EFT.

Developed by Susan Johnson, Ph.D, a Canadian psychologist, Emotionally Focus Therapy looks at the attachment bonds between couples. This is an approach that looks deeper than just building better communication skills or developing more effective negotiation or coping skills. EFT helps couples connect in an emotional way. And yes, men do want to connect with their wives in the emotional way, even if they don’t say so. It’s this emotional bond between partners that is sustainable, and many of the reactive behaviors and emotions that result are part of a complex “dance” or chronic negative cycle that emerges between partners.

The idea is to bring awareness to that negative cycle, and all work together in therapy to help couples stop fighting, reduce conflict and connected and more animate an emotional way. The negative cycle becomes the problem, and therapist and couple work towards understanding and reducing the negative cycle together.

Even guys who are hesitant to dive into their feelings talk about really making progress with this form of marriage counseling. a lot of guys really enjoy it, and not only turn around the destructive path of their relationship, but are able to improve it in ways that they never thought that they could.

Here’s a free worksheet on identifying your negative cycle with your partner. Download this and do it together to begin the process of identifying how you both get stuck in your own relationship patterns: http://phoenixmenscounseling.com/clinicalforms/negative-cycle.pdf

You don’t have to feel hopeless and trapped in your relationship or marriage situation. There is help, and options for you to explore instead of a breakup or divorce. You might be really surprised with the results.

Thinking about this topic, I know we’re heading into murky territory, but I’ve been talking with a ton of guys this season where that big question has come up. I think it’s something about the holiday season that makes us look back on our past year and assess both the good and the bad. Do we look back in happiness and success, or do we look back in regret?

The holidays seem to drudge that question up for a lot of people, because I think a lot of otherwise unhappy people want to be able to make a change for themselves with the new year. Relationships are no different. Many people who are unhappy or unsettled in their current relationships start to ask themselves this question around this time of the year, and start to ask themselves if they need to make a change.
This is one of the most difficult questions to ask -  “do I stay or do I go in my relationship or marriage?” This article is not going to answer that question for you, but it’s been a bring up some points for you to think about.

There are some things that make answering that question easier, such as direct physical abuse, a partner who is mired in substance use, or other immediate response needs. I think those types of things need into serious inquiry into the “do I stay or do I go” question.

But, for a lot of men, they ask this question of themselves out of sheer reactivity and hopelessness. Many kind of choose to stay stuck between a rock and a hard place, and never seek out the help that they need, such as couples counseling. For some, it’s more comfortable. For others, it’s just denial.

A lot of times, the question “do I stay?” really means “ can I continue to deal with the problems that I am experiencing currently?” We often end up blaming our partners and creating a certain storyline about them and our relationship, and how it’s going to hell. If we get stuck in those types of thoughts, we’re toast. A lot of relationships and marriages that can be worked on, aren’t.

For men, it’s a little harder to take a look at the things that we are doing to our partners, and to take responsibility for the negative things that we do to them. I think the “do I stay?” question reflects a little bit of this, as well as “can I continue to deal with the negative emotions that come up inside me?” Sometimes, enough suffering drives people out of their comfort zone, where the pain of a bad relationship had become more than they can sit on.

For the guys who are emotionally avoidant already, the next logical question to start asking is “do I go?”. For men who avoid their emotions, and often avoid conflict situations in general, the desire to end a relationship or marriage is logical. It’s just easier to do it that way, and to start over from scratch. Problems are too difficult to work on in this relationship, you might tell yourself. She’s not open to a change, you might tell yourself as well. Or, this is just too much work, and I’m not up to the task, you might end with telling yourself.

I think the biggest question you need to consider is are you asking yourself if you want to flee the relationship based out of reactivity and emotion, or is this a rational, well-thought-out plan? For a lot of men, it’s acting out of reactivity and impulsivity, and that might work briefly in the short term, but not in long-term. We are bound to have to deal with this dynamic again, whether we get back together with our partner, or develop a new relationship with someone else. It’ll still be there.

And then, there is the “I should stay for the children” dilemma. I see a lot of couples wanting to hang in there, despite really difficult problems, for the sake of the kids. Some drudge through miserable marriages because they don’t want to expose their children to break up or divorce. Many times, it’s these guys who were those children in the past, and don’t want to do to their family what it is their parents did to them.

Really making a commitment to hang in there and work on the relationship issues, especially if you feel strongly about your partner, is really the first step. Identifying whether you’re wanting to end the relationship out of the emotion, or whether this is a well-thought-out plan, is one question that you could consider.

A lot of times, even the most hopeless situations can improve with some emotional connection, but it can be difficult for men to both connect to their feelings and to be able to listen to some of their partner’s issues with them and not want to fix those issues (which women often don’t respond well to, but do when you’re present and listening).

Is your relationship or marriage worth saving? Do you feel strongly enough about it, and about her, to start to do the heavy lifting to get your relationship back on track? Some guys do; others don’t. I’m not going to lie to you: it does take some work. But, your relationship is worth it, isn’t it?

Like no other time in the year, the holidays demand that we get quite gluttonous. Starting with gorging ourselves with turkey and stuffing, to im-bibing on New Year’s Eve, the holidays make it easy for us to push rationality aside to indulge in the joyful holiday spirit.

For most, overindulgence happens all across the board, from eating to drinking to spending. Learning how to reduce some of your holiday stress might lower the post-celebratory hangover in January (your relationship and your wallet may thank you later).

Spending too much is pretty much a given for most people during the holidays, but use these tips to help you deal with your holiday money stress:

1. Plan your spending early: Whether you’re trying to decide how much to spend on gifts, eating out or traveling, getting in touch with how much you figure on spending, or setting a budget, can help you deal with some of the post-sticker shock experiences of the new year. Try to get a sense of how many people you’re spending on, plan what events or functions require you to shop, or pick up wine,or get a sense your specific travel expenses may be. Planning early, and setting a budget and sticking to it, will help you not get caught up in the mad consumerism of the holiday season.
2. Understand your reasons for spending money/saying “no”: Gifts and holiday expenses are normal, but going over the top may not be, especially in today’s economic climate. For some, especially people pleasers, the tendency to buy gifts for people so they’ll be happy with us may be going too far. Also, if you are going to holiday parties or events where you feel obligated to, don’t. There may be the obligatory work party that everyone needs to go to, but if there are parties or dinners you’re invited to and you don’t really want to go, and where you can reasonably decline, stay true to yourself and say ‘no’.
3. Communicate with your wife or girlfriend about spending: Talk and plan with the one you love about what the financial expectations are for the season. Are you both on the same page about how much you are wanting to spend, say on the children’s gifts, on each other’s gifts, eating out, etc.? Do you both have the same ideas about how much you think is reasonable to spend? Talk and get on the same page.
4. Use Mint.com: This is one of the best websites out there, for tracking your expenses, setting short term goals, or getting a sense of what parts of your life you spend most in. There are pretty color pie charts and line charts to help illustrate your spending and saving, so you can feel like you’ve got a nice hold on your holiday spending. They’ve got a pretty handy iPhone application to boot, so you can track while you’re shopping.
5. Don’t “emotionally spend”: Emotional spending is probably the majority of what we end up consuming up holidays, whether that’s the impulsive peppermint latte at Starbucks, or that quick $50 photo shoot with Santa for your kids at the mall. Christmas and the holidays have a way of stoking our emotions to open up our wallets, so just be careful that you don’t end up spending out of emotion instead of logic and planning. The retailers and businesses depend on our emotional spending, this time of the year more than any other, but as far as stress goes, it could be better to just leave the house with a firm list.Don’t give into those merry Christmas tunes piped into the store you’re browsing, and buy just on impulse.
6. Watch That Debt: If you can, leave the credit cards at home completely this holiday season. Debt is lessen vogue now, after the chilly economic recession we’re trudging out of. Adding more debt is going to leave you more financially stressed and may push some into depression or anxiety. Debt will make you stress, and why would you want to have more stress to an already stressful season? Leave that credit card of home, and pay with cash. To take it one step beyond, try shopping this season with just a planned wadful of cash. Decide early how much lump sum to to pull out, and use that strictly for your gift shopping this season.

The men who are firmly centered this holiday season are the men who are mindfully spending. Reckless spending’s not good for anyone, except for the credit card companies and retailers. If you’re in a relationship this holiday season, try to use these tips to help you and your partner stay the same page about how you’re both spending money. This will add to a lot less relationship stress, too. Dealing with holiday money stress can be difficult, when we get swept up in the good times and tidings of the holiday season. Watching your money may help you start the new year in a much less stressful way.

Knowing when is the right time to keep yourself motivated, and when to relax yourself and leave your taskmaster at the door” is an extremely difficult thing to negociate for most men.

Many guys have some form of “taskmaster” that drives them for compels them to do many of the things that they do well in the world: achieve professional success, engage in sports, plan trips, and negotiate with others towards solutions. Unfortunately, many guys don’t know when to allow their taskmaster to take a break, and the effects can be disastrous on relationships and your self-esteem.

Whether we’re in the working world, or at the gym, we are in a mode to get things done. “Accomplish! Complete! Finish it!” That’s when our analytical minds take over, and we’re trying to create performance success for ourselves. This is all well and good. We structure our days to win, and men are all about goal accomplishment. We set a goal, and we meet it (or don’t). We gauge our success, or lack thereof, from this vantage point, whether not we have succeeded or not in certain domains. We judge our professional success this way, and a lot of our personal success.

But, there are two problems to this mindset. The first problem lies in the realm of personal care, specifically our own individual mentality. The dark side to not knowing how to leave our taskmaster at the door, or to relax our need to drive and perform, is that we often times neglect our own personal well-being. A lot of men, like many women, have a very difficult time knowing how to not criticize themselves and push themselves through difficulty, whether that’s emotional pain, life situations, or relationship conflict. This is the self-critic talking, and some people have a very difficult time resting their self-critic, because it’s always on “go” mode.
If we are always operating to please our taskmaster, fear of failure necessarily lurks somewhere in the shadows. A lot of times, we criticize and berate ourselves through our own negative “self critic”. It’s like we have a second inner voice going on in our mental dialogue. The more we listen to that voice of criticism, and do what it says, the more we try to always outperform it through accomplishment and performance. But, it never goes away, unless we face it and deal with it. We get caught in a neverending cycle of accomplishment, and it’s hard to let it rest.

That is the greatest challenge: to understand when to employ your taskmaster, and when to let it rest. Working hard and driving yourself day after day, and not giving yourself a break, is probably a symptom of workaholism for a lot of men. I talked with so many guys that fail on all accounts to take care of themselves, or even know how to begin taking care of themselves. A lot of guys don’t practice stress management, and don’t know how to eat well, get the right sleep, learn how to internally validate themselves, and put down their self-critic.

The other problem to not being able to leave your taskmaster, or driver, at the door, is that it’s one of the most universal ways to undermine your intimate relationship. I hear this from women all the time, that their guy doesn’t listen, and is constantly in “fix it” mode. This “fix-it mode” is exactly what your taskmaster is doing, and it doesn’t work in your most important relationship. It may work at work, but with your wife or girlfriend, it just doesn’t. The problem with our taskmaster is that he doesn’t know how to be present and be available, because he’s usually trying to figure out solutions to a problem or trying to employ control over a situation.

Women want and need this presence, or emotional availability, from their men. If we stay in this “fix-it mode”, it makes it really difficult to connect with our wives and girlfriends. We may not even be aware of this, but if you sense that this might be a problem, talk about it with your significant other. Stay open to some feedback about whether or not you try to fix her problems, or the problems in your marriage or relationship. She’ll tell you point blank whether or not you’re doing this, and whether to stop.

The holidays are usually defined as a time of family get-togethers, good food and drink, and relaxation, but for a lot of

Americans, the holidays are truly difficult in a number of ways.

Going into debt, dealing with family conflict, high stress, travel and marital discord, as well as depression and anxiety, characterize the experience of a lot of men these days. With a little planning and preparation, you can usher in the holiday season with minimal conflict, if you’re willing to consider these things:

1. Know your limits: Whether that’s how much money you’re going to spend, how much time you can actually stay any one family member’s home, or how much alcohol you can consume, it’s important know your limits. If you’re not doing things in moderation, you might be burning the candle at both ends. The holidays are a time off from everything that’s stressful, and if you’re creating more stress, you’re not really enjoying the holidays and relaxing. Know your limits, be able to say ‘no’ to others, and to yourself. Practice moderation, and knowing what’s good for you.
2. Watch for holiday mental health hazards: This is a memorable season, and for some, those memories are more haunting than festive. This is a time that we can reflect back on our year, for better for worse. If you’ve experienced a difficult year, whether that be a job loss, death of someone close to you, or general unhappiness or loneliness, the holidays have a way of amplifying those problems to make them seem worse.
   • If you succumb to depression or anxiety, the holidays have a way of bringing those out, too. Depression and anxiety peak around the holidays, so monitor yourself to make sure you don’t fall into these traps. Seek out help or support if you can’t for yourself.
3. Practice effective communication skills: Whether this is to your boss or to your wife or girlfriend, communication is essential during the holiday season. There’s so much going on, and so many opportunities to miscommunicate. So often, our wires get crossed with others because we fail to talk about what we need from them, whether that’s time off from work, spending some time with our guy friends to watch football, or figuring out how to divide the chores and household responsibilities equally. If we can learn to communicate a little bit more effectively than usual, we should be able to glide through the holidays without too much conflict.
4. Don’t avoid conflict: If you’re having an issue with someone, be direct with them and don’t beat around the bush. Holding in frustration or anger is only going to make things worse, whether you’re having an argument with a family member during Thanksgiving or squabbling in that pre-Christmas spat with your loved one, don’t avoid conflict. This is to those guys out there that are notorious conflict avoiders.
   • Also, if you’re drinking, watch the alcohol, because if there are things that are not being said, they may come out way worse if you’re drinking.  And you know how those holiday fights go…
5. Developing a holiday stress management plan: Develop a small stress management program for yourself, and employ it throughout the holidays, even doing it once or twice a week. Whether that’s continuing to work out at the gym, taking a light jog or hike, or doing some yoga, practice stress management because the holidays have a way of eroding your physical and mental well-being. Especially if you’re traveling, you’re going to be subjected to a lot of stress, and so will your immune system. Getting the right sleep, and knowing your limits, are both ways to prevent taking in too much stress during the holidays.
6. Plan: Good planning underlies everything, especially around this time of year. If you’re not a good planner, try to take some steps to help yourself by not creating more stress for yourself and those close to you. Whether that means budgeting for gifts, scheduling shopping, or getting your clothes ready before the morning of your flight out, you’ll be glad you set forth to take care of business before hand. Good planning is going to prevent you and your wife or girlfriend from inevitable stress and conflict, too, which will make her quite happy with you.
7. Create an quick exit strategy: For a lot of people, the holidays spent with family and friends can be a little bit overwhelming, especially if you’re staying with others or they’re staying with you. If you need to get out of the situation, kindly excuse yourself for a bit to get some fresh air or take a quick trip into town. If you’re staying extensively with family for three or four days, it’s important to get a little bit of time away for yourself or for you and your wife, away from family, the kids, whatever. Pace yourself, especially if you’re feeling contentious with a family member or loved one. You’ll be glad you did.

It’s easy to compare ourselves to others when you’re feeling insecure about our own selves or situations. When we get into comparing ourselves to others, we get into a never-ending cycle of wishing and wanting, and not feeling good enough about our own selves or our own performance.

When we’re feeling low, the natural tendency to start to want to be someone else or have what someone else has is natural. Our minds start to generate a lot of fantasies and wishes to be “the next guy.” we may want what we perceive they have: a nice car, a better marriage, more confidence, or whatever. The reality is, we really just don’t know what they have and what they don’t have, because other men display their social personalities which may be a lot different from what’s actually happening inside of them. When we compare ourselves to them (or what we think is them), we are actually comparing ourselves to our fantasies of what we think they are or what it is that they have. The fact is, we really don’t know, and we end up comparing ourselves to something that might be more of an illusion then reality.

When we get into comparing ourselves with others, it’s more of a reflection about how we are feeling down about ourselves. If we can learn how to deal with ourselves instead of seeking out fulfillment from other people, by striving to be what it is that we think that they are, we can learn to stop the cycle of suffering and striving, and start to deal with our own unhappiness or self image.

This is really hard to do, because we exist in a culture that thrives on comparing ourselves to other people. If we don’t have the right job, where the right close, have the right mate or live a certain lifestyle, we are not as worthy, according to our culture. Consumerism is based on us striving and not being content with what we have, and so we get predisposed at an early age to compare ourselves to others, or even ourselves, about what we need to own, need to be, or need to think. This is a black hole that is never-ending, and it doesn’t produce ultimate satisfaction and positive self-esteem.

Even comparing ourselves to ourselves is a problem. Often times, our inner dialogue is dominated by our self critic, which shames us and blames us for not being good enough, not having enough, and not doing enough. A lot of men struggle with shame as a result, and tend to be depressed, anxious, or generally withdrawal from others as a result of struggling with their inner critic. Comparing ourselves to others is merely a symptom of comparing ourselves to ourselves, and we can start to deal with our self critic or the voice inside of us that negates us and says “we’re not enough,” we can start to take a hard look at that which generates our unhappiness.

Here are some things to think about when comparing ourselves to others, or even ourselves:

• Try to reframe your comparisons to others: question your comparison to others, and consider that your comparison may not be accurate; the reality may be more than meets the eye.
• Try fantasizing about what would happen if you were to actually gain or attain that which are striving to get. What would that look like? instead of spending summers mental energy fantasizing about what you don’t have, what you’re not, and what you’d like to be, actually create a mental projection of how it would be to actually be that way/own that thing/act in that way. What would life be like when you were to be at that point? Would you be happy then?
• Shift the ” locus of evaluation” from outside to inside: instead of comparing yourselves others outside of yourself, try turning the conversation inwards. try to look at the comparisons that you make against yourself, and start to make note of those things. Try writing the comparisons down in a journal, or talking about it with your mate or spouse.
• Usually our comparisons and strivings are a mental game we play with ourselves. If you can sit back, relax, and sink into the felt sense your body, behind the mental comparisons, how does that feel? if you’re struggling with a feeling of “not good enough”, let that sensation, inside of your body, maybe in your heart, shoulders, or stomach. A lot of times, we just don’t tune into what our body is telling us, and instead let our minds drive us on autopilot. We convince ourselves that the mental comparisons are reality, and in fact, they are not.

These are just a couple of things to think about to help you reduce your energy investment in comparison to other people. As long as were caught in this never-ending cycle of comparing ourselves to other people, ourselves, or external situations, we will never be ultimately happy because were going to keep striving and not reach the finish line.