There nothing wrong with wanting to feel affirmed or validated by your significant other, but when we aren’t forthright with our needs, problems become greater. Men need to feel affirmed just as women do, yet most men I talk with have such a difficult time asking for it. Why?

Making Assumptions

A typical guy might just assume that his partner can affirm, validate or praise him, yet without asking for those things, you risk your partner never knowing what your needs are. When you make assumptions about what your partner should do, it’s likely they’ll fail them. When you’re not clear about what you need, especially in the realm of validation and affirmation, problems then do come up, but they don’t need to.

Questions to Ask Yourself:

• Do I feel affirmed by my relationship partner? By my boss? By my friends or family?
• Do I need more from one particular person, e.g. my significant other? What would that look like?
• When I don’t feel affirmed, I feel ___________________.
• When I feel affirmed, I feel ____________________.

Too Proud to Beg

Pride gets in the way of men asking for validation or affirmation from their partner. A lot of guys think they’ll lose their edge, or be seen as not manly or weak. Those things are simply not true. Your spouse wants you to come to them with your needs, because when you don’t, you may disconnect and hide, worsening the problems that are already there. Being too proud gets in the way of getting your needs met, and connecting more deeply with your significant other, so can you push pride aside to meet the greater needs? I think you might be pleasantly surprised if you did.

Exercise:

• Scribble down one area of your life where you’d like to receive more praise/affirmation/validation from someone close to you. Write down the feelings that come as a result of that need not being met, and also write down what you do when it’s not met (e.g. reaction/behavior). Set up a time with the person to have a conversation with them about your findings.

How Men Hide

I think any conversation about how to get needs met for men also has to include how men hide and disconnect. Guys go to the “safe zone” and hide, and many often haven’t come to terms with what they’re needing or how to communicate it. This can be dangerous, because bad things can come from hiding. For example, the number one reason men cheat is because they don’t feel validated or affirmed by their relationship partner. Men withdraw emotionally, or go the reverse route, by eventually exploding or blowing up. (or a combination of both). Neither way really works, either in the short term or long term. But, out of fear, hiding their anger, or not wanting to be rejected, men pull away emotionally and hide their needs and feelings from their partners.

Learning to get your needs met by communicating your need for affirmation or validation is critical. You’ll feel happier, have more satisfying relationships and learn to meet your needs when they come up.

A friend asked me this really great question: “What are the specific challenges that men face in relationships at during each decade?” The question naturally led me to want to blog about it, and share it with you all. I accounted for three periods: 20′s, 30′s and 40′s, as these are generally the periods of life I work with, but feel free to add your own experiences/other decade challenges.

20-30′s: Still settling down, and finding themselves. Work and jobs are sporadic, so lots of long-distance relationships and conflict as a result. Guys in their 20′s are still into hooking up and partying, so they’re looking more for women who fit this bill (generally). Some get married, but are unhappy because the marriage is too early, or it wasn’t right for them (maturity levels low).

30-40′s: Settling down, getting married and having children. Guys have to deal with their lost youth and death of the “wild horse” mentality. Some guys hold onto youthful entrapments, such as partying, alcohol, video games, etc., which creates relationship/marriage tension and fighting this way. This is where the communication problems and issues start to ferment, for problems later into the next stage. Not knowing how to deal with everything: being a new dad, added responsibilities with their work/careers, and juggling it all creates stress and relationship strain. A lot of guys tend to start having problems, because they didn’t learn how to take care of themselves earlier on, or didn’t really have a need to take care of anyone else (e.g. wife, kid) other than themselves.

40-50′s: Kids are growing, and problems have fermented another decade. Couple has drifted away from each other, and the problems that have arisen in the 10-15 years since marriage have been avoided, or not dealt with. Money, things, trips have all been used as “happiness surrogates,” and are employed to stave off dealing with the real problems of unhappiness, sexual problems, loss of love, etc. Some men start to have affairs (although earlier stages, too) or lose themselves in other diversions other than their marriage, because that’s what they know, and that’s what culture encourages (alcohol, sports, video games, porn, etc.). Couple needs to reinvent their marriage, and create a reason to be together, other than “for the kids”. Men will also lose themselves in work and career, which is a socially-sanctioned place to go, yet slowly erodes a relationship over time. A lot of men who over-identify themselves with their work and careers unconsciously avoid their wives and their problems by dedicating themselves to their work. Phsycial problems can start to manifest as a function of problems not dealt with, with leads to depression, stress, pain, fatigue, etc. The body speaks, even when men are not.