I think about happiness a lot. I think about it around this time of the year quite a bit, as happiness and the holidays are so closely wedded. I meditate on the nature of happiness, and how we go about seeking it.

Happiness can come from finding meaning: in the work we do, in the friendships we create, and in the intimacy we deepen with our partners. It comes when the roads of the imaginary and reality merge.

Happiness can come from being present: to ourselves, to our thoughts and to our emotions. Being present and undoing the destructive emotions and thoughts that lead to destructive behaviors can lead to happiness. Quieting the self-destructive voice inside our heads, and learning to deal with the pains of life as they arise – and not continually pushing them aside – will lead to being happy.

Happiness comes from the little joys in life, not from always trying to get somewhere or grasping at trying to accumulate more stuff. We’ve tried that as a society, and it’s gotten us into an epidemic of mental health suffering. And medications don’t always help make us happier.

Happiness is about “knowing thyself”; it’s about developing a compassionate eye back at oneself, and learning to accept oneself as one is. It’s about ceasing to compare ourselves to others for a change, and even to stop comparing ourselves to ourselves. Compassion comes when the voice of comparison quiets down.

There are a lot of distractions to happiness, especially during the holiday season. We’ve seen where our surge to happiness has brought us: into the worst economic crisis in 70 years. We buy more, and crave more, and buy more, and never manage to fill ourselves up with more, now matter how big our appetite grows. We seek solace in self-help wisdom, and cultural gurus, yet things don’t always seem to get better.

Happiness is being away of our mortality, yet not succumbing to the fear of it. It’s being aware that our days are numbered, which encourages us to enjoy our relationships, be mindful and enjoy the fleeting nature of things: good music, colors, delicious food and the mystery of nature.

Happiness is there for the taking. It’s those self-imposed obstructions that, with presence and awareness, can free us from the suffering and neurosis that keeps us stuck.

Ready to break the chains of relationship boredom? Have you been stuck in a rut for some time now, and haven’t known how to get out? It’s possible that, for some, that you didn’t even know you were in a rut in the first place, which makes things even more difficult to fix (when you can’t even diagnose it).

Here’s 4 quick tips to crawling out of the pit of a relationship that fell asleep:

1. Make yourself more interesting: It’s easy to look upon our spouse, or our relationship, as the problem, and then blame our boredom on those, because they’re convenient. It’s harder to take responsibility for our own boredom, and do something about it.

I propose doing something radically different. I invite you to take a look at your own individual life – aside from the relationship – and ask yourself, “What can I do to make myself more interesting – to myself?” When you can generate answers to this question, you’re starting to make something happen. Maybe it’s learning to communicate differently. Maybe it’s learning how to speak Portuguese. Maybe it’s taking up reading about topics that once interested you, that got pushed aside by a busy life. Or maybe it’s getting involved in volunteerism. But working to make yourself more interesting is by far a major step towards developing renewed interest in your relationship.

2. Talk about the boredom: Too often, couples who are bored make it worse by failing to call the elephant in the room what it is. If boredom is obviously a problem in your relationship, why you you keep contributing to it – because it’s easy? Quit having the same doldrum conversations, and say to your partner, “We need to talk about something that needs to change for me in the relationship.” Make it a priority, and have a conversation to get the ball rolling.

3. Come up with a list of boredom breakers together: Get together (even after the conversation above), and brainstorm about the things that you both enjoy doing together. The very act of brainstorming together will remind you both of the “getting to know you” process that you once enjoyed, before the stalemate set in. Coming up with activities that you both love to do is key. Bonus points: come up with right brained activities, or fun things to do to get you out of your head. Try indoor rock climbing, creating art or music together (there’s Taiko Drumming here in Phoenix – bash on those big old Japanese drums together), or doing something “non-intellectual” or for pure fun.

4. Talk about the anger: Often times, boredom is really anger that’s been frozen. If there is anger between you two, air it out. Talk about it, melt the anger or tension, and get back to spontaneity and fun. Boredom is an intellectual, or mental, way to express anger sometimes, and it’s a way (esp. for men), to distance themselves from their partners. Talk about anger if it’s a problem for you, and you may see boredom start to blow out of your relationship with that simple change.

The work that I do with men is very much grounded in the present moment. Most of the problems that we experience are byproducts of living in the past, in memories about how things used to be (for better or for worse) or in the future, where things look better than they do now. Happiness, change and personal and relationship success all lie in living in the present moment, and developing present-moment awareness about how to access the feelings and emotions that come up in that moment.

In working with men, the present moment is often difficult to experience. Men tend to hide their feelings, or not be in touch with them at all. Men I work with tend to have found residence in their heads, which makes their problems worse. There is an unconscious tendency to try to figure out or fix problems from the head, which doesn’t always seem to work. If it did work, we wouldn’t need therapy.

To experience the present moment, feelings can slowly surface and find the light they need to burn away. Fear, pain, anger, sadness – all want to run their natural courses, which in an organic sense is to process and to leave. But, because we learned poor coping skills (defense mechanisms) to deal with those very painful experiences, we do not have the experience of the present moment and keep those feelings frozen and stored away, where they don’t reach the light of day and melt away. 

Counseling with me is an experiential process, because I work from a framework called Gestalt Therapy. IT’s a little different than just talk therapy, because it is learning from experience in the present moment. Gestalt Therapy works with the present moment as it unfolds in the therapy transaction, often through experiments in the session. It is effective at helping clients “get out of their heads” and into their experience of living, where the pain resides and true transformation can be had.

As I do at the end of every year (and the beginning of every new year), I think about why I do this work in the first place. I ask myself, “How can I best serve the men in my community?” or “What is it that I think men need most in my community?” 

Counseling for men developed this past year after I did some soul searching, and figured out that to sustain a practice and myself over the long term in counseling, I needed to work with men because I enjoyed it so much. I found that a lot of the issues that I have worked through personally come up with men all the time. I wanted to dedicate my practice to working with guys who are struggling the same way I did in my past, and help them to find their voice and change their lives, whether it be to find a relationship that is good for them, to reduce stress in their lives, to find meaningful work, to access their emotions better or to have deeper and more intimate relationships with their partners, wives or girlfriends.

In some ways, I see that there are a lot of expectations on men to succeed in parts of their lives that they have not been able to be successful with, i.e. emotional intelligence and intimacy. I think that, compared to 50 years ago, the expectations of a mate have changed, and men are expected to do so much more. Just pick up any womens’ magazine and see what they are saying. Culture states that men are expected to be both the breadwinner and the heart opener. It’s hard to do both.
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(From npr.org)

December 5, 2008 · Turns out, misery may not love company — but happiness does, research suggests.

A new study by researchers at Harvard University and the University of California, San Diego documents how happiness spreads through social networks.

They found that when a person becomes happy, a friend living close by has a 25 percent higher chance of becoming happy themselves. A spouse experiences an 8 percent increased chance and for next-door neighbors, it’s 34 percent.
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(This is a NY Times article published 11.23.08)

Happy people spend a lot of time socializing, going to church and reading newspapers — but they don’t spend a lot of time watching television, a new study finds.

That’s what unhappy people do.

Although people who describe themselves as happy enjoy watching television, it turns out to be the single activity they engage in less often than unhappy people, said John Robinson, a professor of sociology at the University of Maryland and the author of the study, which appeared in the journal Social Indicators Research.

While most large studies on happiness have focused on the demographic characteristics of happy people — factors like age and marital status — Dr. Robinson and his colleagues tried to identify what activities happy people engage in. The study relied primarily on the responses of 45,000 Americans collected over 35 years by the University of Chicago’s General Social Survey, and on published “time diary” studies recording the daily activities of participants.

“We looked at 8 to 10 activities that happy people engage in, and for each one, the people who did the activities more — visiting others, going to church, all those things — were more happy,” Dr. Robinson said. “TV was the one activity that showed a negative relationship. Unhappy people did it more, and happy people did it less.”

But the researchers could not tell whether unhappy people watch more television or whether being glued to the set is what makes people unhappy. “I don’t know that turning off the TV will make you more happy,” Dr. Robinson said.

Still, he said, the data show that people who spend the most time watching television are least happy in the long run.

Since the major predictor of how much time is spent watching television is whether someone works or not, Dr. Robinson added, it’s possible that rising unemployment will lead to more TV time.