Two weeks ago, I spoke to a good group of people – the Phoenix Rotaract Society. They were kind enough to have me speak to their group on the basics of creating a great relationship.

I talked about the “nuts and bolts” – what to do, and what to avoid, with your partner to go after that ideal relationship, which is totally within reach.

The Rotaract members had some great feedback and contributions, and we ended up having a nice little discussion. I want to share with you the prime cut of the convo:

Why is it hard to have good relationship today?

- Communication problems
- Anger at partner/Fighting all the time/Hurt feelings
- Needs aren’t being met in relationship
- Trust issues
- See parents’ bad relationship, and don’t want it for yourself
- Can’t talk closely with partner

- Not sure if he or she is the one for you/different interests

- Same problem, different relationship partners

- Work, money and general stress- Commitment-phobic/Fear of marriage

What doesn’t work?
Stuffing your anger, or exploding in it; also, not talking to one another
Not creating regular time together to talk, have fun, laugh
Not dealing immediately with the problems that will inevitably come up between you both
Not talking to your partner about them/not being on the same page
Not working on your relationship
Criticizing and judging your partner; blaming and shaming

What does work to create a good relationship?
- Good communication: Stating your needs and feelings in your relationship
- Having a life outside of the relationship, as well as in it (independent time)
- Meaningful time together/creating a good relationship
- Developing trust
- Validating, not criticizing, each other
- Listening well/showing empathy
- Appreciating your differences
- Learning about and meeting other’s needs, as well as your own

A friend recently gave me a great idea. He thought I should post on the idea that men sometimes don’t know what to do or say when women get upset. He thought that men who do not consider themselves emotional have a hard time empathizing or dealing with women who are upset emotionally, especially if they are in a relationship with those women.

I can say two things about this phenomenon: practice deep listening, and don’t try to fix anything yet. Try to not be logical for once.

Men are notorious in their desire to fix a situation, and when this happens, deep listening cannot happen. We are fixers by nature, and this trait is good, when it comes to hunting big game, fixing a car engine, or making everyday decisions. It is a hinderance when it comes to connecting with the women in our life.

We run from, try to fix, avoid, lack empathy or do a thousand others things when the women in our lives get “emotional” because we are not in touch with those similar places within ourselves. The more we, as men, can get in touch with those emotional places (no, you won’t be crying or overly sensitive from now on), the quicker we will be able to connect and empathize with what women are experiencing emotionally.
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