I like to identify universal themes in the work that I do with men in counseling, so this blog post is no different. I find that guys tend to operate in relationships the same way that they do on the job – with linear, solution-focused mentalities. Although it’s these very tools that make them so successful at what they do professionally, often times inappropriately utilized when creating relationship success.

When shopping for a car or house, when crunching baseball statistics or weighing the pros and cons of a decision to be made, the there are certain left-brain skills that are employed. Reasoning and critical thinking skills are necessary. Weighing costs-benefits is surely a solid solution to use. But, when it comes to relationships, men often fumble because they don’t realize that they’re trying to solve a situation that can’t often be solved with those left-brain skills. The matters of the heart require more attention to the powers of emotional intelligence.

Employing emotional intelligence (simply, to identify, assess, and manage the emotions of one’s self or of others) is a skillset that is often deperately needed in men, yet deficient. Being able to “solve” relationship problems (interpersonal, relationship or self) with one’s emotions is something really hard for men to do.

A couple of factors come into play here. Historically, men will mimic the lessons of emotional intelligence (or lack thereof) from their fathers. If there is a lack of emotional intelligence from father to son, and, more likely, that learning has been supplanted with criticism, shame, and education in avoidance, then men will continue to carry on in their adult lives and relationships stunted and emotionally unaware. They will bring those deficiencies to their intimate relationships.

Cuturally, it is reinforced that men invest a lot of their energy in building up their identities from their professional lives. Men get so used to using these left-brain heavy skill sets in careers that predominate their time and attention, they forget to turn them off when they leave work and have a hard time navigating in their intimate relationships and their marriages.

So, it’s not that men aren’t capable of developing emotional intelligence, because they can. I don’t belive in the “old dog, new tricks” cliche, which is tired and antiquated to me. Men have the ability to develop emotionally. Whether they want to or not is another matter.

As I do at the end of every year (and the beginning of every new year), I think about why I do this work in the first place. I ask myself, “How can I best serve the men in my community?” or “What is it that I think men need most in my community?” 

Counseling for men developed this past year after I did some soul searching, and figured out that to sustain a practice and myself over the long term in counseling, I needed to work with men because I enjoyed it so much. I found that a lot of the issues that I have worked through personally come up with men all the time. I wanted to dedicate my practice to working with guys who are struggling the same way I did in my past, and help them to find their voice and change their lives, whether it be to find a relationship that is good for them, to reduce stress in their lives, to find meaningful work, to access their emotions better or to have deeper and more intimate relationships with their partners, wives or girlfriends.

In some ways, I see that there are a lot of expectations on men to succeed in parts of their lives that they have not been able to be successful with, i.e. emotional intelligence and intimacy. I think that, compared to 50 years ago, the expectations of a mate have changed, and men are expected to do so much more. Just pick up any womens’ magazine and see what they are saying. Culture states that men are expected to be both the breadwinner and the heart opener. It’s hard to do both.
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