Alcohol has a particularly important presence in our modern American culture. We use it to entertain, connect with others, make family gatherings lighter, engage in business with it and rally around our favorite sports teams while drinking it. Multi-billion-dollar industries have been created around beer, wine and spirits, and popular culture has produced a number of timeless celebrity icons who indulge in: Hemingway, the Rat Pack, Keith Richards, Hank Williams…hell, even Ulysses S. Grant.

Our culture is totally schizophrenic around alcohol: it promotes it to no end, and yet ignores the repercussions of consuming it. Domestic violence, broken marriages, infidelity, depression, and divorce, among other things, result in the overindulgence of booze. Socially, it’s really hard to break away from the attractiveness to it. The parties we go to, the people we hang out with and the advertisements we encounter all promote it, and yet it still continues to get us into trouble.

Men tend to avoid their feelings, and therefore, the problems that those hidden feelings create. Alcohol has always been the socially acceptable avoidance strategy for many men. To find and connect together, alcohol as a social lubricant that allows men to do what comes more naturally to women: seek social support. Women have known this, but to prevent isolation and loneliness, men usually only rally around each other when it involves sports or some like-minded activity. Feelings are rarely discussed, but alcohol allows for “loose lips” contact. Men are much more free and open while drinking to connect to other men emotionally, because it’s not something that men do while sober. Culture doesn’t allow for it, so most men don’t do it. Alcohol provides the social bonding outlet, as well as an opportunity to “speak one’s mind”.

Things to think about:

• Do you find your self drinking alcohol to avoid people, situations, or feelings?
• Have you fought with your wife or girlfriend around alcohol? Do you fight more with her when you both been drinking? Is your relationship taking a hit because of your drinking?
• Are there competing voices in your head, one of which says to slow down or quit drinking?
• Have you experienced the blues, feel down, isolated and alone?
• Do you have a family history of alcohol abuse or dependence? Did you have a mother or father that drank heavily?
• Are you lying to cover up your drinking, or minimizing the number of drinks that you consume?

Divorce tends to be emotionally gut-wrenching for the people who go through it (not to mention those around them). But most couples don’t realize that divorce can also be among the most ruinous financial moves anyone can make.

Sure, you could bet big and lose on a single stock or money manager. Or your small business could go bankrupt, taking your life savings with it. But divorce and the costs that often come with it — from legal bills to the sudden need for an additional residence — affect far more people.

A lot of times, men are pretty hesitant about coming in for counseling. Sometimes they think that there might not be a problem, and other times when they finally get around to coming in for counseling, they are scared that seeing a female therapist will end up making them regret their decision. Some guys think that a female therapist will align with their wife or girlfriend, and make the problem “all about them”.

What I offer is a unique perspective on couples counseling in my private practice. I work with many couples that want a male counselor, especially if that type of scenario would prevent their guy from coming in to see counseling services. I think that wives and girlfriends figure out that there is this window of opportunity, where if their guy finally says “Okay, yes. Let’s go ahead and get counseling,”, then those women have to act quick and strike while the iron is hot. Working with a male therapist, it’s easier for the guys to want to come in, and gives the wives or girlfriends a better chance that their guy will commit to patching up the relationship or marriage.

I’m not saying that this is the only dynamic that happens between couples, but as a counselor for men working in Phoenix, Arizona, I see this happen quite a lot. I think that guys are hesitant to admit that there’s a problem, and sometimes more hesitant to seek out help for that problem. I think guys naturally will feel more comfortable working with guys, especially if they fantasize that they will be the “problem child” in marriage therapy together.

My relationship counseling services offer something different, and many couples that I work with report success through being able to communicate more effectively, lessen the fighting and arguing, work towards common goals within a relationship or marriage, and generally feel happier and have more time to improve on the quality of their relationship.

Two weeks ago, I spoke to a good group of people – the Phoenix Rotaract Society. They were kind enough to have me speak to their group on the basics of creating a great relationship.

I talked about the “nuts and bolts” – what to do, and what to avoid, with your partner to go after that ideal relationship, which is totally within reach.

The Rotaract members had some great feedback and contributions, and we ended up having a nice little discussion. I want to share with you the prime cut of the convo:

Why is it hard to have good relationship today?

- Communication problems
- Anger at partner/Fighting all the time/Hurt feelings
- Needs aren’t being met in relationship
- Trust issues
- See parents’ bad relationship, and don’t want it for yourself
- Can’t talk closely with partner

- Not sure if he or she is the one for you/different interests

- Same problem, different relationship partners

- Work, money and general stress- Commitment-phobic/Fear of marriage

What doesn’t work?
Stuffing your anger, or exploding in it; also, not talking to one another
Not creating regular time together to talk, have fun, laugh
Not dealing immediately with the problems that will inevitably come up between you both
Not talking to your partner about them/not being on the same page
Not working on your relationship
Criticizing and judging your partner; blaming and shaming

What does work to create a good relationship?
- Good communication: Stating your needs and feelings in your relationship
- Having a life outside of the relationship, as well as in it (independent time)
- Meaningful time together/creating a good relationship
- Developing trust
- Validating, not criticizing, each other
- Listening well/showing empathy
- Appreciating your differences
- Learning about and meeting other’s needs, as well as your own

(Great article from CNN.com by Celeste Perron – Feb. 11, 2009)

When Lynn Houston was 27, she met an affectionate young man during a business trip to Virginia. Although she lived in Arizona, the two began dating; they married six months later. But after she joined him in Virginia, he became distant and had angry flare-ups, Houston says.

He barely resembled the man she’d married, but he did remind her of another man she knew well: her father.

“They were both very emotionally unavailable and prone to outbursts of rage,” says Houston, now 44 and a business consultant in Phoenix.

After six years of attempting to rescue the union through therapy, Houston filed for divorce.

Alison Wobschall also married a man like her father, but with much better results. “I have a great relationship with my dad, so I suppose I looked for a partner who shares some of his good qualities,” says Wobschall, 22, head of marketing and public relations for a Minneapolis nonprofit.

Both men are “really interested in politics and the stock market, and they agree on everything,” she says. “Also, when I’m upset about something, they’ll always help me put it in perspective.”

Both share the name Mike, and they even look alike. And Alison bears a striking resemblance to her mother-in-law, in appearance as well as personality. “We always laugh at the same things, even if nobody else is laughing,” she says.

Although Houston’s and Wobschall’s marriages couldn’t have been more different, both women chose partners who resembled a parent. And, say experts, their experiences aren’t that unusual.

Comfort in familiarity

Berkeley, California, psychotherapist Elayne Savage says familiarity is a big reason people may choose someone like Mom or Dad as a partner.

“When you grow up familiar with a certain type of person, you’re attracted to that same type of person because it feels comfortable, whether you like it or not,” says Savage, author of “Breathing Room: Creating Space to Be a Couple.” “That’s what people mean when they meet a potential partner and say, ‘It ‘feels like I’ve known him my whole life.’”

Anecdotal evidence also suggests that a parent’s physical or intellectual traits may have some influence. A Hungarian researcher studied the facial features of 52 families and found a significant correlation between the appearance of men and their fathers-in-law and those of women and their mothers-in-law.

And in a survey of approximately 2,700 “high-achieving” men — those in the top 10 percent of their age income bracket and/or with an advanced degree — a University of Iowa researcher found they are likely to marry women with education levels and careers that mirror those of their moms.

Miami resident Aaron Gordon, 27, wouldn’t argue. Gordon’s wife, Rebecca, 27, has the same career as his mom — teaching gifted elementary-schoolers — and the women share a love of cooking and talking on the phone.

“When I met Rebecca, she was pursuing a career in advertising, and it wasn’t until well after we started dating that she decided she didn’t like advertising and opted instead to get her master’s in education,” says Aaron. “Although I definitely wanted to marry an educated woman, I wouldn’t say that it was critical that she match my mom’s level of schooling — though in the end, they both earned master’s degrees.”

Rebecca says Aaron is just like her dad. “The longer I’m with Aaron, the more I notice idiosyncratic things, like the fact that they both love politics, and are both bad drivers, and both love going to supermarket for like two hours and buying too much stuff,” she laughs.

Righting old wrongs

Sometimes, people choose mates who resemble their parents not because of fond memories, but to make amends for an unhappy childhood.

“This is most common if you felt rejected or abandoned by a parent and still haven’t worked through it,” says Stephen Treat, director of the Council for Relationships, a Philadelphia nonprofit. “Your psyche wants to go back to the scene of the crime, so to speak, and resolve that parental relationship in a marriage.”

Women who felt abandoned by their fathers are likely to choose emotionally unavailable husbands, for example, and men raised by hypercritical moms will be drawn to wives who pick on them, he says.

It’s not a good idea. “You think you’ll be able to heal this way, but you’re probably no more equipped to deal with the situation than you were as a child, and the parental dynamic gets repeated in your marriage, usually with bad consequences,” he says.

Reclaiming personal history

Does that mean it’s a mistake to marry somebody like Mom or Dad?

Casey Clark Ney, 30, hopes not. She and her dad, who is now deceased, lived in different states after her parents divorced when she was a child. Although they had a warm phone relationship, Ney only saw him once or twice a year, and he wasn’t very physically affectionate.

Her husband, James, 31, resembles her dad and has a similar “hard-working, calm, kind” quality. But James, too, isn’t very affectionate.

“He grew up in a family who didn’t do a lot of hugs and kisses and ‘I love you’s, and that does bother me,” says Ney, a freelance journalist in Boise, Idaho. “I think there could be some truth in the idea that I’m working through my history in my marriage.”

Breaking the chain

Despite evidence that suggests some of us are attracted to mates who resemble our parents, it’s not a foregone conclusion, says therapist Barbara Swenson, director of the Couple Center in Sherman Oaks, California.

“If you want very badly to have a different and better relationship than the ones you grew up with, you can accomplish that if you go about it very consciously.”

Swenson offers these pointers:

• Don’t jump in. ”Ideally you should date for a couple of years before engagement — and not just long distance,” she says. “You need to be together on those days when your car won’t start … to see how you and your partner support each other.”

• Don’t be afraid to disagree. ”Assert yourself and see what your partner does with that,” she says. “Can they put their needs aside and follow your lead once in a while? Make sure your relationship has room for give and take.”

• Talk about life issues. Some questions to discuss sooner rather than later: If we have kids, will one of us stay home? Who will manage our money? “Premarital counseling can get these questions out on the table in a civilized way, and prevent problems down the road,” says Swenson. 

(Great article from CNN.com by Celeste Perron – Feb. 11, 2009)

When Lynn Houston was 27, she met an affectionate young man during a business trip to Virginia. Although she lived in Arizona, the two began dating; they married six months later. But after she joined him in Virginia, he became distant and had angry flare-ups, Houston says.

He barely resembled the man she’d married, but he did remind her of another man she knew well: her father.

“They were both very emotionally unavailable and prone to outbursts of rage,” says Houston, now 44 and a business consultant in Phoenix.

After six years of attempting to rescue the union through therapy, Houston filed for divorce.

Alison Wobschall also married a man like her father, but with much better results. “I have a great relationship with my dad, so I suppose I looked for a partner who shares some of his good qualities,” says Wobschall, 22, head of marketing and public relations for a Minneapolis nonprofit.

Both men are “really interested in politics and the stock market, and they agree on everything,” she says. “Also, when I’m upset about something, they’ll always help me put it in perspective.”

Both share the name Mike, and they even look alike. And Alison bears a striking resemblance to her mother-in-law, in appearance as well as personality. “We always laugh at the same things, even if nobody else is laughing,” she says.

Although Houston’s and Wobschall’s marriages couldn’t have been more different, both women chose partners who resembled a parent. And, say experts, their experiences aren’t that unusual.

Comfort in familiarity

Berkeley, California, psychotherapist Elayne Savage says familiarity is a big reason people may choose someone like Mom or Dad as a partner.

“When you grow up familiar with a certain type of person, you’re attracted to that same type of person because it feels comfortable, whether you like it or not,” says Savage, author of “Breathing Room: Creating Space to Be a Couple.” “That’s what people mean when they meet a potential partner and say, ‘It ‘feels like I’ve known him my whole life.’”

Anecdotal evidence also suggests that a parent’s physical or intellectual traits may have some influence. A Hungarian researcher studied the facial features of 52 families and found a significant correlation between the appearance of men and their fathers-in-law and those of women and their mothers-in-law.

And in a survey of approximately 2,700 “high-achieving” men — those in the top 10 percent of their age income bracket and/or with an advanced degree — a University of Iowa researcher found they are likely to marry women with education levels and careers that mirror those of their moms.

Miami resident Aaron Gordon, 27, wouldn’t argue. Gordon’s wife, Rebecca, 27, has the same career as his mom — teaching gifted elementary-schoolers — and the women share a love of cooking and talking on the phone.

“When I met Rebecca, she was pursuing a career in advertising, and it wasn’t until well after we started dating that she decided she didn’t like advertising and opted instead to get her master’s in education,” says Aaron. “Although I definitely wanted to marry an educated woman, I wouldn’t say that it was critical that she match my mom’s level of schooling — though in the end, they both earned master’s degrees.”

Rebecca says Aaron is just like her dad. “The longer I’m with Aaron, the more I notice idiosyncratic things, like the fact that they both love politics, and are both bad drivers, and both love going to supermarket for like two hours and buying too much stuff,” she laughs.

Righting old wrongs

Sometimes, people choose mates who resemble their parents not because of fond memories, but to make amends for an unhappy childhood.

“This is most common if you felt rejected or abandoned by a parent and still haven’t worked through it,” says Stephen Treat, director of the Council for Relationships, a Philadelphia nonprofit. “Your psyche wants to go back to the scene of the crime, so to speak, and resolve that parental relationship in a marriage.”

Women who felt abandoned by their fathers are likely to choose emotionally unavailable husbands, for example, and men raised by hypercritical moms will be drawn to wives who pick on them, he says.

It’s not a good idea. “You think you’ll be able to heal this way, but you’re probably no more equipped to deal with the situation than you were as a child, and the parental dynamic gets repeated in your marriage, usually with bad consequences,” he says.

Reclaiming personal history

Does that mean it’s a mistake to marry somebody like Mom or Dad?

Casey Clark Ney, 30, hopes not. She and her dad, who is now deceased, lived in different states after her parents divorced when she was a child. Although they had a warm phone relationship, Ney only saw him once or twice a year, and he wasn’t very physically affectionate.

Her husband, James, 31, resembles her dad and has a similar “hard-working, calm, kind” quality. But James, too, isn’t very affectionate.

“He grew up in a family who didn’t do a lot of hugs and kisses and ‘I love you’s, and that does bother me,” says Ney, a freelance journalist in Boise, Idaho. “I think there could be some truth in the idea that I’m working through my history in my marriage.”

Breaking the chain

Despite evidence that suggests some of us are attracted to mates who resemble our parents, it’s not a foregone conclusion, says therapist Barbara Swenson, director of the Couple Center in Sherman Oaks, California.

“If you want very badly to have a different and better relationship than the ones you grew up with, you can accomplish that if you go about it very consciously.”

Swenson offers these pointers:

• Don’t jump in. ”Ideally you should date for a couple of years before engagement — and not just long distance,” she says. “You need to be together on those days when your car won’t start … to see how you and your partner support each other.”

• Don’t be afraid to disagree. ”Assert yourself and see what your partner does with that,” she says. “Can they put their needs aside and follow your lead once in a while? Make sure your relationship has room for give and take.”

• Talk about life issues. Some questions to discuss sooner rather than later: If we have kids, will one of us stay home? Who will manage our money? “Premarital counseling can get these questions out on the table in a civilized way, and prevent problems down the road,” says Swenson.