If you’re a guy, and you cheated or had an extramarital affair, chances are that you have found yourself stuck in that place between wanting to be with your wife, and wanting to be with your partner in the affair. A lot of men that I talk with find themselves in that very space once they started an affair, and through avoidance and denial, tend to keep themselves there to not have to make a choice.

Cheating men now find themselves in a compromising position: do they try go back to their wives and children, or do they leave their family for their mistress?

Some guys don’t want to deal with this all. They get stuck between two women, and don’t know how to get out. Some guys I talk with want to keep treading water for as long as possible, until one of the women in AA in your decision for them. This is avoidance, and it’s making a decision by not making a decision.

What can you do if you find yourself in this position, between your wife and your girlfriend?

• Start to be honest with yourself: really do some soul-searching inside of yourself and see what is motivating you to stay in a the relationship. Are you staying because you want to try the keep the semblance of a family going? Are you too afraid to tell your wife the truth? Are you doing it for your children, and not for yourself?
• Consider your family of origin: did your parents not provide you a structured environment, so you may be trying to seek out the creation of structure within your family? Did your parents cheat on the other? Was it hard to work through problems or issues verbally or emotionally while growing up? I think these are all questions to consider when trying to come to a decision about to do.
• Try to be clear on your values: if the intimacy and sex with your mistress is just that, why do you continue to do it? if you have strong values, and your behaviors are not aligning with those values, there is a disconnect that will lead to indecision. Do you choose the instant gratification, or do you choose to invest in your long-term happiness and those things that are more aligned with your values.
• If your marriage is bad, come to the table and talk about it: you and your wife may need marriage counseling, or it may be too late. Maybe it’s better to start talking about separation or divorce, but really consider your motivations in continuing to not talk about it or breach the topic with your wife.

Cheating and infidelity are complex, and these bullet points don’t profess to get you to where you need to be. Ideally, you’ll invest some time and energy into counseling, whether that’s with your wife or alone. Like I wanted to counseling alone, and don’t really want to start to deal with talking about the issues with their wife quite yet. It’s important that you start to consider making some decisions, even if their minor, for your own happiness and everyone else’s.

As in the 70′s, swinging or having open marriages seems to be gaining some traction again. I talk with a growing number of young couples that have tried to incorporate other couples or sexual partners into their relationship or marriage. Many choose to not deal with some of the underlying and more fundamental problems in their marriage, and some just want to add variety to the mix.

Looking at this through its sociology and economic implications, open marriages and  consensual,extra-marital relationships seem to be a sign of the times. I think that the economic recession has made divorce difficult. Many couples who have been struggling financially find themselves fighting and in more conflict, and in a situation where breaking up or divorce is not a possibility. it’s too expensive to divorce, and it would be too difficult for one partner or the other to make it on their own. High unemployment, job insecurity, and economic instability have led married couples to come up with other creative solutions to their troubles, and their boredom.

Some couples are able to incorporate these extramarital relationships successfully into their own marriage, but such a couple is the rarity. It would take extremely good indication skills, as well as full disclosure and honesty, to be able to maintain a primary intimate relationship while carrying on an outside relationship, or bringing another partner into one’s marriage.

But, for the average couple, swinging or opening up their marriage to outside partnerships usually ends in some kind of misery. I talk with a lot of couples that have tried this arrangement for whatever reason, sometimes to alleviate the boredom, sometimes to add some variety, and sometimes to flat out not deal with the fundamental problems that they have in their marriage. Swinging and open relationships based on these types of things usually ends poorly. Emotions almost always get in the way, and one marital partner usually develops an emotional attachment to one of the extramarital partners. Although it may be sex that’s agreed upon initially, couples don’t always lay out all the ground rules that they need, and one often gets hurt in the mix. In some combination, it’s secrecy,  poor communication, deception, or a sexual imbalance that combined to create problems in the primary marriage, and what started as something exciting and thrilling for the partners ends with more marital hopelessness.

I can’t say across the board that swinging is not for everyone. Each couple is unique, and each marriage is different from the next. What I do know, is that because so many couples have such a difficult time developing good, solid communication skills, and building a foundation of trust in their marriage or relationship, swinging and open partnerships would most certainly undermine those long-term efforts.

If boredom or variety is what a couple is seeking, I think that those things can be alleviated in other ways. Good communication skills go a long way. Opening up a conversation about unmet sexual needs, unmet emotional needs, and ways to improve one’s marriage through variety can most definitely reignite and turn around your marriage or relationship, without needing to risk hurting one partner or the other and eroding the fundamental trust that you’ve already built within your relationship.