If you’re a guy, and you cheated or had an extramarital affair, chances are that you have found yourself stuck in that place between wanting to be with your wife, and wanting to be with your partner in the affair. A lot of men that I talk with find themselves in that very space once they started an affair, and through avoidance and denial, tend to keep themselves there to not have to make a choice.

Cheating men now find themselves in a compromising position: do they try go back to their wives and children, or do they leave their family for their mistress?

Some guys don’t want to deal with this all. They get stuck between two women, and don’t know how to get out. Some guys I talk with want to keep treading water for as long as possible, until one of the women in AA in your decision for them. This is avoidance, and it’s making a decision by not making a decision.

What can you do if you find yourself in this position, between your wife and your girlfriend?

• Start to be honest with yourself: really do some soul-searching inside of yourself and see what is motivating you to stay in a the relationship. Are you staying because you want to try the keep the semblance of a family going? Are you too afraid to tell your wife the truth? Are you doing it for your children, and not for yourself?
• Consider your family of origin: did your parents not provide you a structured environment, so you may be trying to seek out the creation of structure within your family? Did your parents cheat on the other? Was it hard to work through problems or issues verbally or emotionally while growing up? I think these are all questions to consider when trying to come to a decision about to do.
• Try to be clear on your values: if the intimacy and sex with your mistress is just that, why do you continue to do it? if you have strong values, and your behaviors are not aligning with those values, there is a disconnect that will lead to indecision. Do you choose the instant gratification, or do you choose to invest in your long-term happiness and those things that are more aligned with your values.
• If your marriage is bad, come to the table and talk about it: you and your wife may need marriage counseling, or it may be too late. Maybe it’s better to start talking about separation or divorce, but really consider your motivations in continuing to not talk about it or breach the topic with your wife.

Cheating and infidelity are complex, and these bullet points don’t profess to get you to where you need to be. Ideally, you’ll invest some time and energy into counseling, whether that’s with your wife or alone. Like I wanted to counseling alone, and don’t really want to start to deal with talking about the issues with their wife quite yet. It’s important that you start to consider making some decisions, even if their minor, for your own happiness and everyone else’s.

“Does frequenting strip clubs count as cheating?”

“What if I communicate with ex-girlfriends on Facebook, and not tell my wife?”

“ I didn’t think getting a happy ending in my massage was all that big of a deal, so I didn’t tell her.”

Especially with the introduction of online communication and social media, cheating and infidelity have new modes of transmission in recent years. And for some men, the line that constitutes cheating has becomes blurry, and for women, presents even more reason to worry.

So what counts as what? Does communicating with other women, especially those you’re interested in, over social media counts as cheating, when you’re in a relationship? Does ogling and flirting with other women at the restaurant while you’re enjoying a meal with your girlfriend count? the answer might lie in how well you can develop empathy for the one that you’re dating.

How well you can put yourself in her shoes to answer these types of questions may clarify some of them for you. Also, identifying your true intentions and values will go a long way: how much do you value your current dating partner and the idea of an intimate, monogamous relationship with her? How do your behaviors reflect that commitment to her?

To indulge in these behaviors, sometimes guys compartmentalize and deny. Our minds have a way to compartmentalize those unacceptable behaviors, and push them away. For example, if you started up an online conversation with someone of the opposite sex, it’s easy to legitimize that as a simple online chat, or as a nonthreatening interaction. We use denial as a way to stave off the reality of the effects that it might be having on our life, our relationship or on our significant other.

The hurt, distrust and confusion that cheating, or cheating-like behaviors, cause wives and girlfriends is underestimated by a lot of men. Men don’t think about those effects on their women, and have a hard time developing true empathy for what their wives or girlfriends must be going through. One female psychologist that I spoke with asked, “How would you feel if your wife was talking to her old college boyfriend on Facebook?”

Men do have sex on the brain quite a bit of time, but acting on those impulses or thoughts is certainly another matter. Behaviors are different from thoughts, and while normal sexual fantasy is left to the minds pleasure, acting on those can cause your relationship a lot of damage. The behaviors are different from the impulses, and this is an important thing to think about when looking at cheating.

The difference is that the behaviors are usually an expression of some crack in the marriage for the relationship. As studies have shown, sex is a factor in cheating and infidelity, but it’s the lack of intimacy, communication, and appreciation and affection that men miss most. When guys aren’t getting this in their current relationship, they are more prone to activate those cheating impulses and turn them into behaviors.

A lot of this boils down to how well you and your partner are communicating. Are you comfortable sharing sexual fantasies with each other, or telling her about non-sexual run-ins that you have had with former partners or lovers? How well do you trust each other to talk about these things before they turn into big problems? If the trust and the communication aren’t there, it may be more likely that cheating behaviors will happen.

As in the 70′s, swinging or having open marriages seems to be gaining some traction again. I talk with a growing number of young couples that have tried to incorporate other couples or sexual partners into their relationship or marriage. Many choose to not deal with some of the underlying and more fundamental problems in their marriage, and some just want to add variety to the mix.

Looking at this through its sociology and economic implications, open marriages and  consensual,extra-marital relationships seem to be a sign of the times. I think that the economic recession has made divorce difficult. Many couples who have been struggling financially find themselves fighting and in more conflict, and in a situation where breaking up or divorce is not a possibility. it’s too expensive to divorce, and it would be too difficult for one partner or the other to make it on their own. High unemployment, job insecurity, and economic instability have led married couples to come up with other creative solutions to their troubles, and their boredom.

Some couples are able to incorporate these extramarital relationships successfully into their own marriage, but such a couple is the rarity. It would take extremely good indication skills, as well as full disclosure and honesty, to be able to maintain a primary intimate relationship while carrying on an outside relationship, or bringing another partner into one’s marriage.

But, for the average couple, swinging or opening up their marriage to outside partnerships usually ends in some kind of misery. I talk with a lot of couples that have tried this arrangement for whatever reason, sometimes to alleviate the boredom, sometimes to add some variety, and sometimes to flat out not deal with the fundamental problems that they have in their marriage. Swinging and open relationships based on these types of things usually ends poorly. Emotions almost always get in the way, and one marital partner usually develops an emotional attachment to one of the extramarital partners. Although it may be sex that’s agreed upon initially, couples don’t always lay out all the ground rules that they need, and one often gets hurt in the mix. In some combination, it’s secrecy,  poor communication, deception, or a sexual imbalance that combined to create problems in the primary marriage, and what started as something exciting and thrilling for the partners ends with more marital hopelessness.

I can’t say across the board that swinging is not for everyone. Each couple is unique, and each marriage is different from the next. What I do know, is that because so many couples have such a difficult time developing good, solid communication skills, and building a foundation of trust in their marriage or relationship, swinging and open partnerships would most certainly undermine those long-term efforts.

If boredom or variety is what a couple is seeking, I think that those things can be alleviated in other ways. Good communication skills go a long way. Opening up a conversation about unmet sexual needs, unmet emotional needs, and ways to improve one’s marriage through variety can most definitely reignite and turn around your marriage or relationship, without needing to risk hurting one partner or the other and eroding the fundamental trust that you’ve already built within your relationship.

We’ve explored receiving support, and giving support, in the last two posts. Today, we identify the ways to express more support to your wife or girlfriend, so you can start employing them into your relationship or marriage.

• Take the time (even for 5 min. a day) to simply listen. Sit down with her, make eye contact, and actively listen. Reflect back what you hear from her, as she says it; you can achieve this without sounding like a counselor or therapist.
• Understand that “doing” things for her is different from “being”; making weekend plans, doing the grocery shopping or laundry, or taking her car in for a wash are “doing” things. Guys have a hard time with this, as we’re executors. Try “being” their for her (see above bullet point)
• Tell her she’s a great girlfriend/wife/mother
• Be specific about what you love about her, or what you support her for (women like the specifics)
• Communicate to her that she’s smart or funny, as well as sexy; a healthy mix of support about her physique, as well as her character, will get you a long way.
• Ask simply: “How can I help?” This will payoff big-time. It’ll communicate to her that you care about her and her needs. Develop a “how can I help” mindset, and this will radically change your relationship for the better.
• If there’s a problem in your relationship that you don’t see, or don’t want to see, consider that there might be one for her. Just because you don’t see the problem, doesn’t mean it’s not there. Admitting that there’s a problem, and risking asking for help, is supporting her, and supporting your relationship

These tips should go a long way towards both communicating your support for the woman you love, and express your caring and concern for the well-being of your relationship. If you commit to working on these actively, and making them an integral part of your relationship on a day-to-day basis, you’re both going to be a lot happier that you did. She’ll be quite happy with you.

I help couples in Scottsdale, AZ, work towards having better, more fulfilling marriages and relationships. As a counselor for men and couples, my practice specializes in helping men who are struggling in their marriages. My counseling works towards repairing the damage caused by relationship neglect, indifference, or general “partner drift”. I also specialize in working with infidelity, and help couples work towards working through the difficult stress, loss of trust, hurt and anger caused by cheating.

Let’s meet to identify the issues that you’re struggling with. It’s important to get a sense of what the problems actually are, and gain clarity over what you’re struggling with. Sometimes, confusion adds to the general marriage malaise that you may be experiencing. We’ll set a treatment plan to laser in on the issues that you’ll like most help with, and work towards successful resolution of those goals.

My practice – Phoenix Men’s Counseling – is open to couples seeking marriage counseling in Scottsdale, AZ, and is easily accessed off of the 202 freeway. Evening hours are always available, for the busy professionals and couples who need to synch their schedules to come into counseling.

For the last week, I’ve been learning a new form of couples therapy to expand the marriage and couples counseling I do. Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT) was designed by Canadian psychologist Sue Johnson, Ph.D. This response to couples’ work will be very instrumental to me and my practice in helping more couples out of distress, fighting, and breaking old, negative patterns that they get stuck in.

EFT describes three major shifts in it’s approach. First, the EFT couples counselor and the couple work together to identify the negative cycle that the couple has been stuck in. The cycle is seen as something different from the two partners who’ve originated it: it’s identified and depersonalized from any one person, thus helping a struggling couple work together to become aware of it, and minimize it. The cycle – after being identified – is then de-escalated, with the help of the couples therapist.

The next objective of EFT couples counseling is to help the identified “withdrawer” in the couple (often the man, but not always) re-engage in the marriage or relationship. Basically, the more withdrawn partner (emotional or behavioral withdrawal) begins to become more engaged in the relationship at this point.

Third, EFT helps to “soften the blamer” in the relationship. This is when the previously hostile relationship partner (often times the partner who is more active) risks expressing their vulnerabilities and unmet needs.

EFT is based on attachment theory, a model of psychology that says that everyone is wired socially, and we need healthy, functional ways to attach to others for our survival. Often times, those attachment relationships growing up were compromised, and the way we sometimes ineffectively seek to meet our needs creates problems in our relationships or marriage. EFT helps to identify these needs, emotions and behavioral patterns that we get stuck in.

I’m excited to start to help more struggling couples with this form of counseling. It seems to be very promising, and research-supported, and welcome you to call my practice for more information about EFT couples work to help your relationship or marriage.

As a Phoenix counselor for men, I specialize in helping men deal with the difficult issues they face: relationship problems, depression, work stress, anger issues, sexual concerns and effective communication skill building.

My practice – Phoenix Men’s Counseling – also helps guys create the types of lives that they see in their minds. Working in counseling together, a treatment plan is developed, and strategies are created to work towards those end results. Forging a relationship based on trust, client and counselor proceed to identify those unconscious barriers that prevent forward progress. Without the help of a professional counselor, think of it as knowing you’ve got to lose weight or get to the gym, actually going a handful of times, and stopping repeatedly before accomplishing your goal. You don’t know what’s stopping you, and know matter how hard you try to punch through it, you can’t. That’s where Phoenix Men’s Counseling comes in.

Book at online appointment through our site today. If you’re struggling, and you want greater happiness, take the risk today. You’ll be happy you did.

For those who have never been part of the counseling process before, the idea of sharing one’s most intimate self with someone (a therapist), as well as their spouse, is fear-inducing. Many couples come to couples counseling because they want to learn how to better communicate with each other, and lack the trust to be able to breach the topics of the most sensitive issues: sex, money, trust, power. Men have a hard time with relationship counseling. Most would rather enjoy a root canal that have to buy into couples counseling.

But, couples counseling is not as scary as most people think it is. In couples counseling, it is the job of the therapist or counselor to be an impartial and participatory observer, among other things. Many fear that the therapist will take sides, which is understandable yet false. A good couples counselor should be supportive of both sides, and encourage dialogue, awareness and insight for both relationship partners.

Usually, a two-hour intake will include designing a treatment plan, which is based on the agreed upon goals each couple wants to work towards together, completing an in-depth interview, and agreeing on the treatment process with a consent to treatment conversation and paperwork completion.

Couples counseling sessions are designed to identify the blocks and barriers that keep relationship or marriage partners apart and disconnected. Moreso, through insight, greater awareness and ownership, each partner is encouraged to dialogue in a way that is not falling into blaming, avoiding, hurting or any of the other myriad ways couples dysfunctionally interact with each other outside of the counseling office. Goals are set, and weekly homework assignments are given to each couple/partner to work on between sessions. Always, prioritization of quality time together needs to be the foundation, even if there are hurt or angry feelings that need to be communicated about. Couples that maintain their distance will continue to: it’s addictive to want to avoid potential conflicts, especially for many men and people who are conflict-avoidant.

These are a couple of things to think about when considering starting the process of couples counseling. It’s critical that you interview your couples counselor and make sure that the therapist is competent, experienced, compassionate, and, most of all, that you connect with your marriage counselor. Couples counseling is an investment: psychically, financially, chronologically, emotionally. Because you are putting in so much, get a sense that you’ll get out of it what you need to by researching and choosing the right therapist for you.

A friend asked me this really great question: “What are the specific challenges that men face in relationships at during each decade?” The question naturally led me to want to blog about it, and share it with you all. I accounted for three periods: 20′s, 30′s and 40′s, as these are generally the periods of life I work with, but feel free to add your own experiences/other decade challenges.

20-30′s: Still settling down, and finding themselves. Work and jobs are sporadic, so lots of long-distance relationships and conflict as a result. Guys in their 20′s are still into hooking up and partying, so they’re looking more for women who fit this bill (generally). Some get married, but are unhappy because the marriage is too early, or it wasn’t right for them (maturity levels low).

30-40′s: Settling down, getting married and having children. Guys have to deal with their lost youth and death of the “wild horse” mentality. Some guys hold onto youthful entrapments, such as partying, alcohol, video games, etc., which creates relationship/marriage tension and fighting this way. This is where the communication problems and issues start to ferment, for problems later into the next stage. Not knowing how to deal with everything: being a new dad, added responsibilities with their work/careers, and juggling it all creates stress and relationship strain. A lot of guys tend to start having problems, because they didn’t learn how to take care of themselves earlier on, or didn’t really have a need to take care of anyone else (e.g. wife, kid) other than themselves.

40-50′s: Kids are growing, and problems have fermented another decade. Couple has drifted away from each other, and the problems that have arisen in the 10-15 years since marriage have been avoided, or not dealt with. Money, things, trips have all been used as “happiness surrogates,” and are employed to stave off dealing with the real problems of unhappiness, sexual problems, loss of love, etc. Some men start to have affairs (although earlier stages, too) or lose themselves in other diversions other than their marriage, because that’s what they know, and that’s what culture encourages (alcohol, sports, video games, porn, etc.). Couple needs to reinvent their marriage, and create a reason to be together, other than “for the kids”. Men will also lose themselves in work and career, which is a socially-sanctioned place to go, yet slowly erodes a relationship over time. A lot of men who over-identify themselves with their work and careers unconsciously avoid their wives and their problems by dedicating themselves to their work. Phsycial problems can start to manifest as a function of problems not dealt with, with leads to depression, stress, pain, fatigue, etc. The body speaks, even when men are not.

When we’re not living in our heads – in the regrets of the past and in the hopes for the future – we’re living safely in the present moment of our lives. Nothing too special, just being at peace with what is unfolding moment to moment. It’s what ‘is’.

Losing ourselves in our minds is an o.k. place to be while planning or daydreaming, but to get lost there and forget that the presence that we are – who we really are underneath it all – is there, waiting for us to attend to it.

Our work, relationships, thrills, and pain often reside in the past or the present. We fixate on things, people and experiences that are unfinished for us, and become resistant to moving on. People become emotionally frozen in time, and find it impossible to live presently. They forget about the very breath right under their noses.

With guys, who tend to go to their heads to solve problems, it becomes more difficult for them to tune in emotionally. Not being able to tune in emotionally, we fixate and circulate in our heads, trying over and over to fix our problem or dilemma, but never really getting anywhere.

Learning to live more in our lives – in the present moment – reduces some of the illusion and fantasy we carry with us. Sometimes this takes the help of a professional counselor or therapist, who can help unearth the frozen emotions. When we can learn how to develop emotional intelligence, tune into our bodies for the information we need to fix ourselves, and stop overusing our heads to figure it all out, I think we can start to develop the presence we need for greater happiness and more fulfilling lives.