How do you know when it’s time to start dating again, after you’ve come out of marriage or a relationship? Have you started dating on the rebound just to not feel lonely?

It’s hard to say when the right time to start dating again is, because that’s different from person to person. A lot of frustrated daters – driven to not feel the pains of loneliness or rejection – start dating again for all the wrong reasons, and end up in worse shape than when they got out there in the first place.

There are plenty of reasons to date, and plenty of reasons not to date. It all depends on what you’re looking for. If you’re dating to meet people, have fun, hookup, or the like, it’s important to consider if you’re avoiding or denying residual pain or grief from a previous relationship breakup.

Sometimes daters (especially men) have a habit of denying or avoiding their feelings, and think another new person will fill that void. Those people certainly may temporarily, but ultimately the pain will still be there to come back to.

If you endlessly ruminate about the partner that you just ended a long-term relationship or marriage with, chances are that you’re not done letting go of them or the relationship. If you find you’re comparing dates to your former beloved, it’s probable that you haven’t moved on yet.

Give it time: create time and space in which to work through the emotions that come up for you. There’s no rush.

Contrary to that part of your mind that says “you’re not getting any younger,” there is time, and there are plenty of fish in the sea out there for you. If you think abundance, there will be abundance, and there will be many potential partners waiting for you when you return.

Besides, potential dates know instinctively when you’re “emotionally preoccupied.” They can sense it, especially women. And when you’re preoccupied with not letting go of your former flame, you’re not fully present and available to anyone else. Those potential partners aren’t getting the best of you, and wouldn’t you want them to have the bets of you?

Items to consider when dating again:

• Are you not over your ex yet? Can you allow yourself “x” weeks or months for the process of healing before you get back onto the dating circuit?
• Do you find yourself obsessing or ruminating about your previous relationship partner? If so, you may not be ready to date again.
• Identify what you want out of dating: to meet new people, to find a relationship, to get laid; understand what’s motivating you to get back out there in the first place.
• If you identify that you’re motivated by negative reasons (e.g. to not feel lonely, out of fear of being alone, scared you’re getting too old to find love), consider getting some help in working through those issues first, or while you’re just getting back out there
• Consider the kids: if you have children, what implications are there on them when you get back out to date? How will you field their questions and concerns? What about overnight stays – how will you handle those?
• Do you have an idea of what kind of partner you want? Do you have some sense of the “ideal date” you’re looking for, as to spare you added frustration when you don’t find that special person?
• Do you know how to practice good self-care, e.g. not exhausting yourself in the dating process, not overly worrying about how dates are going as they’re happening, worrying about the future with people, practicing stress management, not drinking too much on dates, etc.
• Are you so unconsciously dating that you might be attracting the same kind of partner that you just ended the last relationship with? Plenty of uninformed daters do. Don’t fall into this trap. We unconsciously recreate the same kinds of relationship patterns, so before you get out there, consider if you’re doing this. Seek out some professional counseling to help you stop recreating these patterns.

(This article I wrote originally appeared in the Jewish News of Greater Phoenix, May 21st, 2010 edition)

In the movie “It’s Complicated,” Meryl Streep plays Jane, an ex-wife who falls prey to the seductive suggestions of her narcissistic ex-husband, Jake, played by (who else but) Alec Baldwin. The other suitor, Adam (Steve Martin), has only his nice-guy disposition to offer Jane, and is that enough? It’s her job to get her head straight and pick the right one. Of course, we all know who she chooses – this is Hollywood – but real dating is something else.

Considering the dating process, watching the movie got me thinking about how we sometimes say we want one thing, but we’re really feeling something quite different inside. Sometimes, we’re saying we want a good date, or a good man or woman, but we’re still holding onto our past pain and hurt in our hearts. Our dating behavior, and our hearts, then end up split. Going out into the dating world, we communicate mixed messages to the people we go out with. We become unpredictable and erratic, both to ourselves and to our potential partners when it comes to commitment or healthy decision-making. We don’t know what we want, or aren’t listening to ourselves, so how do we expect others to?

It’s hard to really be invested in the dating process when we’re closed off to love. If we take a step back and look objectively at our situation, it’s often our minds saying we want growth and a new partner, yet our hearts are filled with a lot of fear and pain about having been burned before. Sometimes we haven’t worked through the emotions and grief associated with a previous relationship’s heartbreak, and every new dating experience may then accumulate the thin residue of that broken heart.

Months or years can go by, and we can stay stuck where we are. Love is passing us by, and we feel helpless to stop it. We want the happiness associated with love and partnership, but still want to blame the opposite sex for being goofy or cruel. Not that they can’t be, but to keep the conversation stuck there is to not admit what we can do to change our current situation. We fail to take responsibility for ourselves, especially for clearing out the emotional blockage.

I’m not saying there aren’t certain negative truths about dating, because there certainly are. Frustration, confusion and anger are often byproducts of the crazy nature of dating, but we can work through those if we want love, and want to stay open to letting love in. Dating is not an easy process whatsoever, especially if you’re coming into the dating scene after many years of being committed. It can be scary and alienating, and might make you question what you got yourself into. It can leave us questioning many fundamental things about ourselves.

Clearing the emotional blocks to our happiness is a hard task. It requires introspection and a little hard work. It means letting go of some of the types of thoughts that have employed our misery. It’s easier said than done, of course, but sometimes we need to work through the grief that someone has left us, or worse, abandoned us for someone else. We have to work on our own well-being and worthiness, and boost our own dating self-esteem. Because for every stereotypical guy or girl – for every Jake – there is an Adam out there.

Through many conversations with women and dating coaches, stories of disgruntled men trying to keep dates going with a woman often come up. Guys try their hardest, think things are going well, and then – bam – it’s over.  “How did that happen? Things were going so well?” you might ask yourself. Or, “She seems to have just kind of lost interest in me.” The dating post-mortem is usually difficult to assess: “was it something I did?” “Did she seem to like me?” “Did I see the signs?” “Was there just no “chemistry?”

Dating is hard enough without shooting yourself in the foot first. There are different behaviors that us guys can unknowingly get into – between dates one and the end – that drive disgruntled women away. So, first off, knowing what these behaviors are is one thing; taking a look in the mirror, and working to change some of these possibly repellant behaviors is something else.

The early dating stages are a testy time. They’re like a petri-dish, and it’s a process of observation to see if there will be relationship germination. Wouldn’t it be great if you could control some of the factors involved in it’s growth (and, no, I don’t think you’re bacteria).

Let’s take a look at some of those red flag raising behaviors. In the spirit of promoting more successful dating for men, here are the most repugnant ways guys chase women away while dating (or the “what not to do” list).

• Saying or doing controlling things to her
• Talking about or (joking about) proposing in the early dating rounds
• Talking about your ex-wife or girlfriend constantly
• Invalidating your new date, by joking about/being sarcastic about what she’s wearing, how she looks, her hair, etc.
• Thinking you’re in a relationship with her, and she’s not thinking this way. Not accurately gauging the right time to check it out with her to see if her feelings match.
• Inviting yourself to her activities
• Wanting to get in with her people immediately (i.e. asking if you can meet family, friends)
• Turning into someone else around other people: the “social chameleon” (as my friend calls it)
• Treating service staff at restaurants poorly (this is an obvious no-no)
• Constantly needing to boast or puff yourself, your accomplishments, your car, your wealth up
• Smothering her: this can take take many forms – if she distances herself, you can be sure this smothering instinct might be activated and set on “stun”.
• Asking about her guy friends, in order to assess for “mate poachers” (you know, other dudes who want to steal your girl)
• General narcissism: “it’s all about me”
• Not asking about her, or “it’s all about me”
• Talking about yourself constantly, or “it’s all about me” (seeing a trend here?)
• Working way too hard (if she’s not interested) in the beginning stages (overly nice guys need to watch this one)
  • Examples include, but are not limited to:
    • Putting together furniture
    • Helping her move
    • Offering child care to her kids
• Trying to be a “husband” too quickly (but then bailing out on the promises you made)
• Not working through previous relationship issues, or rebounding, which will totally bleed onto your behavior with her.
• Wanting to have her meet your kids too early/wanting to meet hers.
• Wanting to talk about your feelings too early: premature disclosure
• Asking for a sleep over too early, or physical affection too early when she’s not ready
• Poor boundaries: a blanket red flag encompassing a lot of behaviors.
• Asking her to meet your friends, family, coworkers too early
• Overtexting, or e-mailing her constantly, usually before she’s had a chance to respond.
• Asking about her previous relationships too early (not good!)

There are surely 1,001 other red flags we could talk about, but I tried to come up with the big ones for you. These, at the worst, could communicate to her that you’re a stalker, and at the least, could communicate that your psychological or emotional issues have gotten the best of you and there’s emotional seepage. If that’s the case, seek some help for the things that may be undermining your chances of dating success, because you don’t know what you don’t know.

Women do enjoy nice dinners and fun companionship, and are attracted to these things, but they’re more repelled by red flag behaviors. Consider if you might be doing some of these things, and make the changes that will help fortify your successful dating practice.