“Does frequenting strip clubs count as cheating?”

“What if I communicate with ex-girlfriends on Facebook, and not tell my wife?”

“ I didn’t think getting a happy ending in my massage was all that big of a deal, so I didn’t tell her.”

Especially with the introduction of online communication and social media, cheating and infidelity have new modes of transmission in recent years. And for some men, the line that constitutes cheating has becomes blurry, and for women, presents even more reason to worry.

So what counts as what? Does communicating with other women, especially those you’re interested in, over social media counts as cheating, when you’re in a relationship? Does ogling and flirting with other women at the restaurant while you’re enjoying a meal with your girlfriend count? the answer might lie in how well you can develop empathy for the one that you’re dating.

How well you can put yourself in her shoes to answer these types of questions may clarify some of them for you. Also, identifying your true intentions and values will go a long way: how much do you value your current dating partner and the idea of an intimate, monogamous relationship with her? How do your behaviors reflect that commitment to her?

To indulge in these behaviors, sometimes guys compartmentalize and deny. Our minds have a way to compartmentalize those unacceptable behaviors, and push them away. For example, if you started up an online conversation with someone of the opposite sex, it’s easy to legitimize that as a simple online chat, or as a nonthreatening interaction. We use denial as a way to stave off the reality of the effects that it might be having on our life, our relationship or on our significant other.

The hurt, distrust and confusion that cheating, or cheating-like behaviors, cause wives and girlfriends is underestimated by a lot of men. Men don’t think about those effects on their women, and have a hard time developing true empathy for what their wives or girlfriends must be going through. One female psychologist that I spoke with asked, “How would you feel if your wife was talking to her old college boyfriend on Facebook?”

Men do have sex on the brain quite a bit of time, but acting on those impulses or thoughts is certainly another matter. Behaviors are different from thoughts, and while normal sexual fantasy is left to the minds pleasure, acting on those can cause your relationship a lot of damage. The behaviors are different from the impulses, and this is an important thing to think about when looking at cheating.

The difference is that the behaviors are usually an expression of some crack in the marriage for the relationship. As studies have shown, sex is a factor in cheating and infidelity, but it’s the lack of intimacy, communication, and appreciation and affection that men miss most. When guys aren’t getting this in their current relationship, they are more prone to activate those cheating impulses and turn them into behaviors.

A lot of this boils down to how well you and your partner are communicating. Are you comfortable sharing sexual fantasies with each other, or telling her about non-sexual run-ins that you have had with former partners or lovers? How well do you trust each other to talk about these things before they turn into big problems? If the trust and the communication aren’t there, it may be more likely that cheating behaviors will happen.

It’s easy to compare ourselves to others when you’re feeling insecure about our own selves or situations. When we get into comparing ourselves to others, we get into a never-ending cycle of wishing and wanting, and not feeling good enough about our own selves or our own performance.

When we’re feeling low, the natural tendency to start to want to be someone else or have what someone else has is natural. Our minds start to generate a lot of fantasies and wishes to be “the next guy.” we may want what we perceive they have: a nice car, a better marriage, more confidence, or whatever. The reality is, we really just don’t know what they have and what they don’t have, because other men display their social personalities which may be a lot different from what’s actually happening inside of them. When we compare ourselves to them (or what we think is them), we are actually comparing ourselves to our fantasies of what we think they are or what it is that they have. The fact is, we really don’t know, and we end up comparing ourselves to something that might be more of an illusion then reality.

When we get into comparing ourselves with others, it’s more of a reflection about how we are feeling down about ourselves. If we can learn how to deal with ourselves instead of seeking out fulfillment from other people, by striving to be what it is that we think that they are, we can learn to stop the cycle of suffering and striving, and start to deal with our own unhappiness or self image.

This is really hard to do, because we exist in a culture that thrives on comparing ourselves to other people. If we don’t have the right job, where the right close, have the right mate or live a certain lifestyle, we are not as worthy, according to our culture. Consumerism is based on us striving and not being content with what we have, and so we get predisposed at an early age to compare ourselves to others, or even ourselves, about what we need to own, need to be, or need to think. This is a black hole that is never-ending, and it doesn’t produce ultimate satisfaction and positive self-esteem.

Even comparing ourselves to ourselves is a problem. Often times, our inner dialogue is dominated by our self critic, which shames us and blames us for not being good enough, not having enough, and not doing enough. A lot of men struggle with shame as a result, and tend to be depressed, anxious, or generally withdrawal from others as a result of struggling with their inner critic. Comparing ourselves to others is merely a symptom of comparing ourselves to ourselves, and we can start to deal with our self critic or the voice inside of us that negates us and says “we’re not enough,” we can start to take a hard look at that which generates our unhappiness.

Here are some things to think about when comparing ourselves to others, or even ourselves:

• Try to reframe your comparisons to others: question your comparison to others, and consider that your comparison may not be accurate; the reality may be more than meets the eye.
• Try fantasizing about what would happen if you were to actually gain or attain that which are striving to get. What would that look like? instead of spending summers mental energy fantasizing about what you don’t have, what you’re not, and what you’d like to be, actually create a mental projection of how it would be to actually be that way/own that thing/act in that way. What would life be like when you were to be at that point? Would you be happy then?
• Shift the ” locus of evaluation” from outside to inside: instead of comparing yourselves others outside of yourself, try turning the conversation inwards. try to look at the comparisons that you make against yourself, and start to make note of those things. Try writing the comparisons down in a journal, or talking about it with your mate or spouse.
• Usually our comparisons and strivings are a mental game we play with ourselves. If you can sit back, relax, and sink into the felt sense your body, behind the mental comparisons, how does that feel? if you’re struggling with a feeling of “not good enough”, let that sensation, inside of your body, maybe in your heart, shoulders, or stomach. A lot of times, we just don’t tune into what our body is telling us, and instead let our minds drive us on autopilot. We convince ourselves that the mental comparisons are reality, and in fact, they are not.

These are just a couple of things to think about to help you reduce your energy investment in comparison to other people. As long as were caught in this never-ending cycle of comparing ourselves to other people, ourselves, or external situations, we will never be ultimately happy because were going to keep striving and not reach the finish line.

In her challenging new book, “The Male Brain,” Louann Brizendine, M.D. seeks to understand men from a neurological point-of-view. She looks to the understanding of men’s brains to understand the differences between men and women from looking at the brain and hormonal differences between the sexes.

Dr. Brizendine first takes a look at the evolving boy’s brain, and how infant boys and girls differ in information processing through early development. She says that boys’ brains are wired to process information visually, as well as track and chase moving objects through action.

Biologically based, boys tend to focus less on eye contact with their parents in the bonding process than do girls. By the time they’re six months old, girls are bonding by mutual gazing. Girls are “inclined to look long and hard at faces,” whereas boys are looking away at faces to focus on more-visually stimulating objects.

Fighting Boy

In play time, boys will choose competitive play, whereas girls choose cooperative play and activities. Boys use play and competition to achieve “victory”, as they are setting and shaping social hierarchy early. It’s really interesting to see cutural messages enhance and develop what is developing neurologically for boys.

Dopamine levels in a boy’s brain – the neurotransmitter in the brain responsible for addiction – is enhanced with rough-and-tumble play, or simulating violence and fighting. Physical and social dominance, achieved by watching other boys and engaging in this play fighting, is a very important developmental activity to negotiate for young boys at this stage (up to age 6). The social determinations made here will affect a boy’s social standing later, in the teen years.

Through many conversations with women and dating coaches, stories of disgruntled men trying to keep dates going with a woman often come up. Guys try their hardest, think things are going well, and then – bam – it’s over.  “How did that happen? Things were going so well?” you might ask yourself. Or, “She seems to have just kind of lost interest in me.” The dating post-mortem is usually difficult to assess: “was it something I did?” “Did she seem to like me?” “Did I see the signs?” “Was there just no “chemistry?”

Dating is hard enough without shooting yourself in the foot first. There are different behaviors that us guys can unknowingly get into – between dates one and the end – that drive disgruntled women away. So, first off, knowing what these behaviors are is one thing; taking a look in the mirror, and working to change some of these possibly repellant behaviors is something else.

The early dating stages are a testy time. They’re like a petri-dish, and it’s a process of observation to see if there will be relationship germination. Wouldn’t it be great if you could control some of the factors involved in it’s growth (and, no, I don’t think you’re bacteria).

Let’s take a look at some of those red flag raising behaviors. In the spirit of promoting more successful dating for men, here are the most repugnant ways guys chase women away while dating (or the “what not to do” list).

• Saying or doing controlling things to her
• Talking about or (joking about) proposing in the early dating rounds
• Talking about your ex-wife or girlfriend constantly
• Invalidating your new date, by joking about/being sarcastic about what she’s wearing, how she looks, her hair, etc.
• Thinking you’re in a relationship with her, and she’s not thinking this way. Not accurately gauging the right time to check it out with her to see if her feelings match.
• Inviting yourself to her activities
• Wanting to get in with her people immediately (i.e. asking if you can meet family, friends)
• Turning into someone else around other people: the “social chameleon” (as my friend calls it)
• Treating service staff at restaurants poorly (this is an obvious no-no)
• Constantly needing to boast or puff yourself, your accomplishments, your car, your wealth up
• Smothering her: this can take take many forms – if she distances herself, you can be sure this smothering instinct might be activated and set on “stun”.
• Asking about her guy friends, in order to assess for “mate poachers” (you know, other dudes who want to steal your girl)
• General narcissism: “it’s all about me”
• Not asking about her, or “it’s all about me”
• Talking about yourself constantly, or “it’s all about me” (seeing a trend here?)
• Working way too hard (if she’s not interested) in the beginning stages (overly nice guys need to watch this one)
  • Examples include, but are not limited to:
    • Putting together furniture
    • Helping her move
    • Offering child care to her kids
• Trying to be a “husband” too quickly (but then bailing out on the promises you made)
• Not working through previous relationship issues, or rebounding, which will totally bleed onto your behavior with her.
• Wanting to have her meet your kids too early/wanting to meet hers.
• Wanting to talk about your feelings too early: premature disclosure
• Asking for a sleep over too early, or physical affection too early when she’s not ready
• Poor boundaries: a blanket red flag encompassing a lot of behaviors.
• Asking her to meet your friends, family, coworkers too early
• Overtexting, or e-mailing her constantly, usually before she’s had a chance to respond.
• Asking about her previous relationships too early (not good!)

There are surely 1,001 other red flags we could talk about, but I tried to come up with the big ones for you. These, at the worst, could communicate to her that you’re a stalker, and at the least, could communicate that your psychological or emotional issues have gotten the best of you and there’s emotional seepage. If that’s the case, seek some help for the things that may be undermining your chances of dating success, because you don’t know what you don’t know.

Women do enjoy nice dinners and fun companionship, and are attracted to these things, but they’re more repelled by red flag behaviors. Consider if you might be doing some of these things, and make the changes that will help fortify your successful dating practice.

I help couples in Scottsdale, AZ, work towards having better, more fulfilling marriages and relationships. As a counselor for men and couples, my practice specializes in helping men who are struggling in their marriages. My counseling works towards repairing the damage caused by relationship neglect, indifference, or general “partner drift”. I also specialize in working with infidelity, and help couples work towards working through the difficult stress, loss of trust, hurt and anger caused by cheating.

Let’s meet to identify the issues that you’re struggling with. It’s important to get a sense of what the problems actually are, and gain clarity over what you’re struggling with. Sometimes, confusion adds to the general marriage malaise that you may be experiencing. We’ll set a treatment plan to laser in on the issues that you’ll like most help with, and work towards successful resolution of those goals.

My practice – Phoenix Men’s Counseling – is open to couples seeking marriage counseling in Scottsdale, AZ, and is easily accessed off of the 202 freeway. Evening hours are always available, for the busy professionals and couples who need to synch their schedules to come into counseling.

Anger has so many negative mental health implications, not to mention societal ones like domestic violence, road rage, job termination and the like. Anger has gotten a bad rap, especially with men. Men are afraid of their anger, and they often tell me that they’re “not an angry person.” Identifying ourselves as angry people – instead of people who get angry – is certainly a difference.

We’ll take a quick look at 7 simple anger management techniques to help you out when your anger feels out of control to you. Practice these with regularity, and you’ll be able to quiet down the anger that might otherwise lead to into some otherwise sticky situations.

1. Walk away from a situation that inspires your anger. It may be helpful to communicate to a person that is inspiring your anger (e.g. your wife or girlfriend) that you need a few minutes away from the situation. But, make sure and come back to the problem to resolve it diplomatically: too often, men walk away from conflict and fail to go back to resolve it.

2. Reset with your breath. You know, that active life force right under your nose that you overlook during the day. Focus on your breath for ten deep breaths, or two minutes, whichever comes first. You can anchor yourself and reset in the present moment with attention to conscious breathing.

3. Say “I’m angry.” Say it to yourself, or say it to someone else.

4. Ask yourself: “What would be the implications to me in this moment if I acted on this anger?” Even if I want to rage out or thrown or hit something or someone, what would that get me? How would that work for me? Think about how a destructive impulse leads to the behavior, and think about the consequences for yourself, or someone else you care about, like a child or employer you are interacting with.

5. The Lifesaver Technique: I learned this last week from the anger expert W. Doyle Gentry, Ph.D, in a training I took. He says that the next time you find yourself angry, suck on a lifesaver until it’s all gone before you respond in anger. You buy some time to respond, as well as take advantage of the sucking reflex to achieve a state of calm. You’re also consuming something sweet, which the brain likes as something pleasurable.

6. Don’t criticize, judge, manipulate or say that someone “always” or “never” does something. Refer back to tip #3 to help yourself.

7. Stay with the felt sense of anger as it arises in your body. Usually we get angry with our heads, but if you can pull back and attend to the anger rising in your body – sometimes in your heart or stomach region – you’re disconnecting from the reactive anger response and training yourself to look at other, less obvious sources of anger.

Use these tips frequently for best results, and you’ll be a anger management pro in no time. Make a conscious effort to turn around your relationship with anger, and you’ll see your other relationships start to change for the better.

Divorce tends to be emotionally gut-wrenching for the people who go through it (not to mention those around them). But most couples don’t realize that divorce can also be among the most ruinous financial moves anyone can make.

Sure, you could bet big and lose on a single stock or money manager. Or your small business could go bankrupt, taking your life savings with it. But divorce and the costs that often come with it — from legal bills to the sudden need for an additional residence — affect far more people.

It’s 7:35 AM, and you’re slamming down a couple cups of coffee and a bagel. You’ll be late for work again, and your wife is back at it, nagging and harassing you. The trash is overflowing from last several nights of dinner, and the dishes are still sitting idle in the sink. She wants them done. You’re exasperated that these things keep causing fight after fight, and end up in defensive mode time and time again. Does it get any better than this?

A lot of people find themselves reacting in response to the problems in their lives, whether it’s in their relationships, work, friendships, personal or self-care. Problems do arise, granted. All of these things — when properly balanced — provide happiness and success, but all too often people slide into “reactive living.”

What happens is that choices beget other choices, and we both lose sight of that snowball effect, and sometimes shun responsibility for doing anything about it to change some of the original choices. We get lazy, or rely on others to lean on or take care of our messes.

When we live reactively, we live in response to our environment and the people within it. We allow other people and situations to dictate our lives, as opposed to assuming responsibility for ourselves. Life becomes a series of ” call and responses.” Something happens in our environment, or with someone we love, and we react sometimes mindlessly to troubleshoot the problem or situation.

We are constantly putting out fires, where we could be using that psychic energy to build well controlled fires that create life, energy and renewed power. We create a lot of unneeded stress, tension, depression, and interpersonal conflict with those closest to us.

Stepping back from our lives and differentiating between reactive living and proactive living is very important in a variety of different ways. When we can admit that there are some parts of our lives, we wise up to the fact that we have lost control and responsibility in some facets of our lives.

There are many examples of this: from becoming a better husband or boyfriend, to paying our bills on time, to proactively taking in our car in for maintenance so it doesn’t fail us, or to going out of our way to develop relationships that had been unattended to for a while. It could even mean coming up with a better organization system, either in our homes or offices, or in our minds.

Learning where the cracks are in the various facets of one’s life is important. Then, understanding how to fix things so you can play a more participatory part in your own life, instead of reacting to problems and situations that are thrown at you, is critical to turning the ship around.

Money helps, but if you don’t have the right foundation to creating a marriage or relationship, you are building a house cards. I talk with too many guys who still are committed to the idea that working their asses off, making money, and providing the right lifestyle for themselves and their wives or girlfriends is what is going to create happiness and a successful relationship. Wrong.

Money is never all satisfying. Even though it has evolutionary roots, the idea of being a mate who can acquire access to resources (i.e. money) has its limitations. And yet guys don’t seem to get this. They seem to think that they can buy their mate’s happiness, which may be true in a fleeting sense.  The sense of material acquisition can never be fully experience — there always has to be more. Money cannot become a surrogate for lack of the emotional connection or expression, or as a substitute for love and respect.

When we fight about money, it may be true that were fighting about other issues in our relationships. When we have no money, that may be absurd proposition, but I think that money is often the materialization of power and control dynamics within a relationship or household. When we try to gain control or power over our mate (to distract us from our own powerlessness or feelings of being out of control), there are various ways that we can do this. Sex and money are two common “power currencies” that keep tension between two people who are vying for more power and control in their relationship.

The psychology of money between couples is very subtle, and requires a keen eye and willingness to change behaviors to remedy this type of problem. Even just considering that money, or the lack of it, is the tip of the iceberg, and has many primary causes and secondary symptoms is a great start. Seeing money in this way, as a form of a psychological currency, is difficult, but it may shed some perspective on the way that you have traditionally dealt with it in your relationships.