In her challenging new book, “The Male Brain,” Louann Brizendine, M.D. seeks to understand men from a neurological point-of-view. She looks to the understanding of men’s brains to understand the differences between men and women from looking at the brain and hormonal differences between the sexes.

Dr. Brizendine first takes a look at the evolving boy’s brain, and how infant boys and girls differ in information processing through early development. She says that boys’ brains are wired to process information visually, as well as track and chase moving objects through action.

Biologically based, boys tend to focus less on eye contact with their parents in the bonding process than do girls. By the time they’re six months old, girls are bonding by mutual gazing. Girls are “inclined to look long and hard at faces,” whereas boys are looking away at faces to focus on more-visually stimulating objects.

As a result, women tend to be more effective at reading their partner’s faces later in life, and tend be more intuitively oriented towards understanding their mate’s facial expressions than men do.

In play time, boys will choose competitive play, whereas girls choose cooperative play and activities. Boys use play and competition to achieve “victory”, as they are setting and shaping social hierarchy early. It’s really interesting to see cutural messages enhance and develop what is developing neurologically for boys.

Dopamine levels in a boy’s brain – the neurotransmitter in the brain responsible for addiction – is enhanced with rough-and-tumble play, or simulating violence and fighting. Physical and social dominance, achieved by watching other boys and engaging in this play fighting, is a very important developmental activity to negotiate for young boys at this stage (up to age 6). The social determinations made here will affect a boy’s social standing later, in the teen years.

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Through many conversations with women and dating coaches, stories of disgruntled men trying to keep dates going with a woman often come up. Guys try their hardest, think things are going well, and then – bam – it’s over.  “How did that happen? Things were going so well?” you might ask yourself. Or, “She seems to have just kind of lost interest in me.” The dating post-mortem is usually difficult to assess: “was it something I did?” “Did she seem to like me?” “Did I see the signs?” “Was there just no “chemistry?”

Dating is hard enough without shooting yourself in the foot first. There are different behaviors that us guys can unknowingly get into – between dates one and the end – that drive disgruntled women away. So, first off, knowing what these behaviors are is one thing; taking a look in the mirror, and working to change some of these possibly repellant behaviors is something else.

The early dating stages are a testy time. They’re like a petri-dish, and it’s a process of observation to see if there will be relationship germination. Wouldn’t it be great if you could control some of the factors involved in it’s growth (and, no, I don’t think you’re bacteria).

Let’s take a look at some of those red flag raising behaviors. In the spirit of promoting more successful dating for men, here are the most repugnant ways guys chase women away while dating (or the “what not to do” list).

• Saying or doing controlling things to her
• Talking about or (joking about) proposing in the early dating rounds
• Talking about your ex-wife or girlfriend constantly
• Invalidating your new date, by joking about/being sarcastic about what she’s wearing, how she looks, her hair, etc.
• Thinking you’re in a relationship with her, and she’s not thinking this way. Not accurately gauging the right time to check it out with her to see if her feelings match.
• Inviting yourself to her activities
• Wanting to get in with her people immediately (i.e. asking if you can meet family, friends)
• Turning into someone else around other people: the “social chameleon” (as my friend calls it)
• Treating service staff at restaurants poorly (this is an obvious no-no)
• Constantly needing to boast or puff yourself, your accomplishments, your car, your wealth up
• Smothering her: this can take take many forms – if she distances herself, you can be sure this smothering instinct might be activated and set on “stun”.
• Asking about her guy friends, in order to assess for “mate poachers” (you know, other dudes who want to steal your girl)
• General narcissism: “it’s all about me”
• Not asking about her, or “it’s all about me”
• Talking about yourself constantly, or “it’s all about me” (seeing a trend here?)
• Working way too hard (if she’s not interested) in the beginning stages (overly nice guys need to watch this one)
  • Examples include, but are not limited to:
    • Putting together furniture
    • Helping her move
    • Offering child care to her kids
• Trying to be a “husband” too quickly (but then bailing out on the promises you made)
• Not working through previous relationship issues, or rebounding, which will totally bleed onto your behavior with her.
• Wanting to have her meet your kids too early/wanting to meet hers.
• Wanting to talk about your feelings too early: premature disclosure
• Asking for a sleep over too early, or physical affection too early when she’s not ready
• Poor boundaries: a blanket red flag encompassing a lot of behaviors.
• Asking her to meet your friends, family, coworkers too early
• Overtexting, or e-mailing her constantly, usually before she’s had a chance to respond.
• Asking about her previous relationships too early (not good!)

There are surely 1,001 other red flags we could talk about, but I tried to come up with the big ones for you. These, at the worst, could communicate to her that you’re a stalker, and at the least, could communicate that your psychological or emotional issues have gotten the best of you and there’s emotional seepage. If that’s the case, seek some help for the things that may be undermining your chances of dating success, because you don’t know what you don’t know.

Women do enjoy nice dinners and fun companionship, and are attracted to these things, but they’re more repelled by red flag behaviors. Consider if you might be doing some of these things, and make the changes that will help fortify your successful dating practice.

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I help couples in Scottsdale, AZ, work towards having better, more fulfilling marriages and relationships. As a counselor for men and couples, my practice specializes in helping men who are struggling in their marriages. My counseling works towards repairing the damage caused by relationship neglect, indifference, or general “partner drift”. I also specialize in working with infidelity, and help couples work towards working through the difficult stress, loss of trust, hurt and anger caused by cheating.

Let’s meet to identify the issues that you’re struggling with. It’s important to get a sense of what the problems actually are, and gain clarity over what you’re struggling with. Sometimes, confusion adds to the general marriage malaise that you may be experiencing. We’ll set a treatment plan to laser in on the issues that you’ll like most help with, and work towards successful resolution of those goals.

My practice – Phoenix Men’s Counseling – is open to couples seeking marriage counseling in Scottsdale, AZ, and is easily accessed off of the 202 freeway. Evening hours are always available, for the busy professionals and couples who need to synch their schedules to come into counseling.

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Anger has so many negative mental health implications, not to mention societal ones like domestic violence, road rage, job termination and the like. Anger has gotten a bad rap, especially with men. Men are afraid of their anger, and they often tell me that they’re “not an angry person.” Identifying ourselves as angry people – instead of people who get angry – is certainly a difference.

We’ll take a quick look at 7 simple anger management techniques to help you out when your anger feels out of control to you. Practice these with regularity, and you’ll be able to quiet down the anger that might otherwise lead to into some otherwise sticky situations.

1. Walk away from a situation that inspires your anger. It may be helpful to communicate to a person that is inspiring your anger (e.g. your wife or girlfriend) that you need a few minutes away from the situation. But, make sure and come back to the problem to resolve it diplomatically: too often, men walk away from conflict and fail to go back to resolve it.

2. Reset with your breath. You know, that active life force right under your nose that you overlook during the day. Focus on your breath for ten deep breaths, or two minutes, whichever comes first. You can anchor yourself and reset in the present moment with attention to conscious breathing.

3. Say “I’m angry.” Say it to yourself, or say it to someone else.

4. Ask yourself: “What would be the implications to me in this moment if I acted on this anger?” Even if I want to rage out or thrown or hit something or someone, what would that get me? How would that work for me? Think about how a destructive impulse leads to the behavior, and think about the consequences for yourself, or someone else you care about, like a child or employer you are interacting with.

5. The Lifesaver Technique: I learned this last week from the anger expert W. Doyle Gentry, Ph.D, in a training I took. He says that the next time you find yourself angry, suck on a lifesaver until it’s all gone before you respond in anger. You buy some time to respond, as well as take advantage of the sucking reflex to achieve a state of calm. You’re also consuming something sweet, which the brain likes as something pleasurable.

6. Don’t criticize, judge, manipulate or say that someone “always” or “never” does something. Refer back to tip #3 to help yourself.

7. Stay with the felt sense of anger as it arises in your body. Usually we get angry with our heads, but if you can pull back and attend to the anger rising in your body – sometimes in your heart or stomach region – you’re disconnecting from the reactive anger response and training yourself to look at other, less obvious sources of anger.

Use these tips frequently for best results, and you’ll be a anger management pro in no time. Make a conscious effort to turn around your relationship with anger, and you’ll see your other relationships start to change for the better.

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Divorce tends to be emotionally gut-wrenching for the people who go through it (not to mention those around them). But most couples don’t realize that divorce can also be among the most ruinous financial moves anyone can make.

Sure, you could bet big and lose on a single stock or money manager. Or your small business could go bankrupt, taking your life savings with it. But divorce and the costs that often come with it — from legal bills to the sudden need for an additional residence — affect far more people.

It’s 7:35 AM, and you’re slamming down a couple cups of coffee and a bagel. You’ll be late for work again, and your wife is back at it, nagging and harassing you. The trash is overflowing from last several nights of dinner, and the dishes are still sitting idle in the sink. She wants them done. You’re exasperated that these things keep causing fight after fight, and end up in defensive mode time and time again. Does it get any better than this?

A lot of people find themselves reacting in response to the problems in their lives, whether it’s in their relationships, work, friendships, personal or self-care. Problems do arise, granted. All of these things — when properly balanced — provide happiness and success, but all too often people slide into “reactive living.”

What happens is that choices beget other choices, and we both lose sight of that snowball effect, and sometimes shun responsibility for doing anything about it to change some of the original choices. We get lazy, or rely on others to lean on or take care of our messes.

When we live reactively, we live in response to our environment and the people within it. We allow other people and situations to dictate our lives, as opposed to assuming responsibility for ourselves. Life becomes a series of ” call and responses.” Something happens in our environment, or with someone we love, and we react sometimes mindlessly to troubleshoot the problem or situation.

We are constantly putting out fires, where we could be using that psychic energy to build well controlled fires that create life, energy and renewed power. We create a lot of unneeded stress, tension, depression, and interpersonal conflict with those closest to us.

Stepping back from our lives and differentiating between reactive living and proactive living is very important in a variety of different ways. When we can admit that there are some parts of our lives, we wise up to the fact that we have lost control and responsibility in some facets of our lives.

There are many examples of this: from becoming a better husband or boyfriend, to paying our bills on time, to proactively taking in our car in for maintenance so it doesn’t fail us, or to going out of our way to develop relationships that had been unattended to for a while. It could even mean coming up with a better organization system, either in our homes or offices, or in our minds.

Learning where the cracks are in the various facets of one’s life is important. Then, understanding how to fix things so you can play a more participatory part in your own life, instead of reacting to problems and situations that are thrown at you, is critical to turning the ship around.

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Money helps, but if you don’t have the right foundation to creating a marriage or relationship, you are building a house cards. I talk with too many guys who still are committed to the idea that working their asses off, making money, and providing the right lifestyle for themselves and their wives or girlfriends is what is going to create happiness and a successful relationship. Wrong.

Money is never all satisfying. Even though it has evolutionary roots, the idea of being a mate who can acquire access to resources (i.e. money) has its limitations. And yet guys don’t seem to get this. They seem to think that they can buy their mate’s happiness, which may be true in a fleeting sense.  The sense of material acquisition can never be fully experience — there always has to be more. Money cannot become a surrogate for lack of the emotional connection or expression, or as a substitute for love and respect.

When we fight about money, it may be true that were fighting about other issues in our relationships. When we have no money, that may be absurd proposition, but I think that money is often the materialization of power and control dynamics within a relationship or household. When we try to gain control or power over our mate (to distract us from our own powerlessness or feelings of being out of control), there are various ways that we can do this. Sex and money are two common “power currencies” that keep tension between two people who are vying for more power and control in their relationship.

The psychology of money between couples is very subtle, and requires a keen eye and willingness to change behaviors to remedy this type of problem. Even just considering that money, or the lack of it, is the tip of the iceberg, and has many primary causes and secondary symptoms is a great start. Seeing money in this way, as a form of a psychological currency, is difficult, but it may shed some perspective on the way that you have traditionally dealt with it in your relationships.