One of the biggest issues that I work with is a guy’s simple inability to communicate his needs and feelings. It’s this lack of ability to communicate that creates seismic tensions in his marriage or relationship.

Guys are just generally less attuned to their feelings, and couldn’t possibly access their needs if their life depended on it, right? No so much. Guys are very much emotionally-based, as their women are, and need the same satisfaction of getting those emotions accessed and released as their ladies do. The problem has many origins and explanations, and to understand some of them, we look to understanding one simple fact.

A lot of the time, guys don’t have the tools to access their emotions and needs, and yet their women have a certain expectation that they should. This expectation wasn’t there 50 years ago, as society and culture shifted its focused towards the individual, self-expression and liberation in the 1960′s in America.

On top of that, guys have fathers that haven’t been able to teach them these critical tools. A lot of the time, their fathers behaved in the same ways that they did, although it’s harder to get away with it these days because of social pressures and expectations of men in relationships that we’re there back in the 1950′s.

What guys do if to suffer in silence, resort to pornography or alcohol, seek out friends whose advice is often not helpful (the friends are often struggling just as much as the guys themselves), or avoid conflict or adverse situations that would elicit their true feelings, which are often just “too difficult to deal with.”

What might help in relationships is to create a space to let those needs and feelings be more well known. Too often, we, as partners, get caught up in our reactivity patterns and can’t really listen to what is happening with our mate. We react to assumptions and expectations that our guy “read our minds” (read: women) and that “they should know what I need.” This type of false thinking contributes to the very communication problems that got us here in the first place.

Creating a space for your guy to communicate, or at least not react and avoid you, is key. Understanding what he is needing – straight from his mouth – is essential in helping your relationship along, because what you think he needs, and what he thinks he needs, are often two very different things. And not making the assumptions about where he is coming from is very important, because you may be reacting to him through your own assumptions. And that will make it worse.

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Getting men into counseling is sometimes one of the harder aspects of counseling. Men who will commit to the process are sometimes resistant to get help until the problems have accumulated to the point of breaking – often the 11th hour.

One of the problems that men experience is a failure to diagnose the problem as it is accumulating. It’s hard for anyone to be able to be fully aware of what the problem is, when we’re in it. Our perspective is pretty skewed when we are in the midst of our own problem, yet for men, it’s difficult to ask for help, which compounds the problem.

Taking the first step to ask for help is half the solution. Just getting into talk with a therapist or counselor is a great start, but making the commitment to come in on a regular basis is just as important. At times, especially for a guy in a relationship, they think that having a “good week” with their wife or girlfriend means that they can quit counseling. Not true. Just because the week might go well, which is good, doesn’t mean that men have their relationship problems solved. Sometimes, the counseling work in do with men in Phoenix, Arizona, is deeper than than, and requires more time commitment.

A lot of time, it’s the wife or girlfriend who initiates the first step to get counseling for their guy. Then, the guy will come in, often times as a couple. Women often are the initiators to getting help to fix or save their relationship, but not always. As the traditional caretakers, I often talk with women who are more outwardly concerned about preserving their marriage than their guys are.

Men work very successful in therapy when it is solution-focused, and there are skill-building exercises and homework for them to do. They feel most successful when those things produce results in their relationship, which spurs them on to continue with the counseling process.

Here’s a little video on some ideas about the role of pornography in men’s lives, as related to their romantic relationships. I hope you like it. Comments? Questions? What do you think?

Men, Pornography and Relationships

It’s Springtime. Time to Clean Out That Closet Full O’ Relationship Clutter.

Ahh, March. It’s that time of the year again. Can you believe it? Have you been crossing your fingers hoping for a little bit more cold weather?

At least the annual rituals return: Spring Training, outdoor activities, St. Patty’s, March Madness, and spring cleaning (who, me?). Are you carving out some time to clean your mental closets, too, as well as your shed and closet? What about the other parts of your life – physical, emotional, work, financial?

I like to see this as the 1/4 way time through the year to assess and see how things are going in my life. I tend to get my annual physical around now, check the credit scores out and make sure I’m not a fraud victim, take the car, you know, stuff like that. Life’s maintenance work. It all seems to get worse when I put it off, you know?

Do you have Spring maintenance rituals for yourself? How about taking a temperature check on your relationship or marriage? How is that going these days for you? Not in one currently, you say, and want to be? I say take inventory of the things that you need to get yourself in one.

This edition’s “Mentality” includes:
- Retail Therapy 101 & an interview with a woman who knows (what you don’t) about your woman’s shopping habits
- Office affairs, and why it starts with the heart

So, what’s the biggest issue you’re currently struggling with these days? Would you like to see it appear in a future edition of “Mentality”?

E-mail me with the one elusive problem that is getting under your skin, and that you’d like to see addressed at jfierstein@mac.com. I’d like to write about the things that matter most to you, so send me your ideas. That’s why I write this thing – for you.

(Read more about Jason’s story here: http://phoenixmenscounseling.com/meet-jason.html)

Retail Therapy 101: Playbook for Guys
It might still be the recession, but she’s shopping like it’s 2007.

Do you like killing two birds with one stone? What if you could better your marriage or relationship while saving some money (and sanity)? What guy wouldn’t want to?

For the answers, we seek to understand a common form of self-help – retail therapy. The term was coined by the Chicago Tribune in the 1980′s to describe our culture in this way: “We’ve become a nation measuring out our lives in shopping bags and nursing our psychic ills through retail therapy.”

Retail therapy is shopping with the intention to feel better, or to temporarily alleviate stress, depression or emotional pain. We hide what is wrong in our lives with shopping, and is no different from any other drug when abused and used excessively.

Christy Miller is a Scottsdale-based image consultant, closet coordinator and owner of Desert Flower Does Workable Wardrobes (http://www.desertflowerdoes.com/) and knows what women are really seeking behind the compulsive drive to shop and collect closets full of clothes.

“Women live for affirmations,” says Miller. “We need to hear that we look good.” She observes that “men are visual beings and women are very aware about this. Men need to compliment us, let us know we look good, even if it is small or big, but those compliments are what we feed on – the positive affirmations.” Miller thinks that women that (listen up here, guys) feel good themselves directly affects their positive self-worth.

For Miller, retail therapy is no different from other forms of addiction for women. “It’s just like a drug, that quick fix, (to) feel good shopping for an item that will make them feel good,” she says. “But when they get that fix and have bought and get back home, that fix is taken care of. Once women pay…they most likely leave the store having mixed feelings because they had their ‘fix’ but now the guilt comes along and this is again, just like any kind of addiction.” The thrill is over, and the problems are still there.

So, how can we as men help? Not saying anything at all will keep you in the same place in your marriage – stuck and in the dark. Addressing the issue by simply saying, “You know, I feel really concerned about our finances and about us. Let’s sit down and talk about this.” It can be that simple. Including the “us” makes it better than just “you,” where she feels less alone because it’s just “her” problem. Validating her beauty and her as a person will give her self-esteem that doesn’t come from the stores.

If there are deeper issues that aren’t being addressed, then it might be time to seek marriage or couples counseling to work on the real issues. There’s more to your wife or girlfriend’s unhappiness than meets the eye.

The Office Affair Prevention Manual
Most likely, it’s more about thy heart than about thy loins.

Have you been in a compromising situation at work with a co-worker or boss, and secretly thought about cheating on your mate? Has your office set-up made it easy to have an affair, even if you didn’t act on it? Forty-three percent of workers in the United States say they’ve dated a fellow employee, according to a CNN poll, but exactly how many of those have been married people is not as well understood.

So many more hours are dedicated to the office these days. It makes it much harder to nurture what we’ve got at home with our mates, and to take care of the relationships we already have. Because we spend much time in an close environment like work, there is much more opportunity for work-based relationships to become personal, and then to develop into intimate or sexual relationships. If we end up spending more time in the office than in the home, the rift that separate spouses becomes greater, which encourages infidelity.

But here’s the key: the drive to have a sexual relationship is most often an expression of what’s missing in the original relationship or marriage. We’ve got to fix the problems in the marriage, because this is the foundational solution.

Office affairs are disastrous times three: your job is compromised, your marriage is compromised, and you have to experience the inner hell everywhere you go – work and home. Something has to give, and it’s bound to until some action is taken, by you or someone else.

Here’s four tips to help keep your marriage and prevent you from getting into an office affair:

1. Diagnose the problem in the first place: is there something missing for you in your marriage or relationship? Are you able to hunt down the problem with old-fashioned honesty and self-reflection? Would this require a hear-to-heart with your beloved, before you act on any impulses that you might regret later?

2. Recognize emotions as they are: if you are feeling attracted to someone at the office, make a note of that in your mind. Attraction, or lust, is normal, and everyone experiences it, but when you act on it, it becomes something else.

3. If you love your woman, put yourself in her shoes: Develop empathy for your mate, and ask yourself what they would do or think about any planned infidelities.

4. Get help: seek out professional counseling, either couple or individual. Choose someone you feel most comfortable talking with and can confide in with your secrets.

Until next edition, guys! Enjoy the beginning of Spring, and see you in April.

Jason
Counselor for Men
“The Man That Men Will Talk To.”

The silver lining to the recession is that I keep reading about stories of people, like you and me, who are forced into questioning what they do for work, and if it still has meaning for them after all.

I am reading about people who have used their layoff to re-examine their values and beliefs, and challenge the forces that brought them to choose the current work that they are doing. Maybe they are unfulfilled. Maybe their job never brought them their fantasy that they had pinned on this employer, or their field. Maybe they’ve burned out a while ago, and the recession is exposing them to that reality just now.

The idea of re-examination is fascinating to me. Rather, the forces at work that come together to create that re-examination are even more interesting. Why do people suddenly decide to do something different? Or maybe, it’s been a long-winded process, and the door just got kicked open to make a change.

Is this you? Are you happy doing what you for for work? Have you taken a status check with yourself and re-examined your level of happiness with your work?

I’ve been in jobs and a career or two that suck, that didn’t make me happy, and that forced me into a sustained daydreaming state. I don’t want to go back to that mental state anymore. I want to be afforded the continued opportunity to really savor my work and wake up in the morning enjoying what I am doing and feel proud of the work that I do. And I do have that now.

Our life energy is limited. We only have so much on this Earth. We work simply to earn income. And income is simply and expression of life energy. So, we trade our life energy in exchange for income. So, how can we start to maximize our experiences for the life energy that we trade away for – the most precious commodity that we have on this planet.

Maybe the recession is allowing you to re-examine these things. If you’re not in a position to leave your job, or your field, maybe you’ve begun to re-examine the things that you can change in your life so that you start to do more that is aligned with your values. If you value people and family, you might start to spend more time with family and prioritize them over other commitments. If you value music and art, maybe you dedicate more time to playing music or creating or viewing art. If you value sports, maybe this becomes the time to spend more energy and time playing them more.

In times of crisis, such as now, the quality of hope and transformation is always latent. I’m not talking about a Barack Obama-type movement, but I’m thinking smaller and more personal. Crisis always creates opportunity and re-examination, so this is a fine time to do just that. I know I am right now.

I know everything in the media seems to be revolving around the economy: the market, home loans, business concerns, and credit crunches. I think that that stress may be also trickling into some unforeseen places, like your marriage or relationship.

Sex and money are two common sources of stress, and both are highly underemphasized in most relationships. It’s not comfortable talking about these things, so what do we do? Sweep it under the rug, and go on using money with the negative, dysfunctional messages that have always characterized our relationship with money. 

Maybe one of you spends to alleviate stress, or the other has a habit of overspending to compensate for guilt or shame in your relationship. Maybe you both live in separate fantasies about how money works in your life – and those fantasies don’t match the other one. The current economic realities have started to slap you in the face, and now you’re wondering why you needed that last minute trip to the Bahamas.

Money, and our relationship with it, is a very powerful agent (and container) for our dysfunctional messages and neurotic compulsions. Mix in our issues with our relationships, and we’re looking at a perfect storm of problems. 

So, what helps this mess out? Stopping the hiding from your spouse about those gambling weekends you and your buddies had last month? All these are good starts, but there is more.

I think that understanding how to minimize conflict is another key. conflict will come from not being on the same page together if there are money issues. Honesty is essential. I think that money brings a lot of discomfort and fear, especially of the other spouse getting mad, and rejecting their mate or their spending habits. Spending habits are directly linked to one’s personal psychology, and rejecting the spending habits may risk rejecting the spouse, especially if their is excessive spending or addictive behaviors going on. Then, more intervention may be needed.

The economy has its ups and downs, just like a relationship. Taking preventative measures, and knowing how you will navigate (both in your finances and in your relationship) will calm the waters quite a bit. Knowing how to work with your spouse as a team, and not malign, blame, criticize or anything else to make the situation worse will help. Seeking professional help, such as with a good financial coach and a relationship counselor, will help minimize these issues.

- Jason