I like to identify universal themes in the work that I do with men in counseling, so this blog post is no different. I find that guys tend to operate in relationships the same way that they do on the job – with linear, solution-focused mentalities. Although it’s these very tools that make them so successful at what they do professionally, often times inappropriately utilized when creating relationship success.

When shopping for a car or house, when crunching baseball statistics or weighing the pros and cons of a decision to be made, the there are certain left-brain skills that are employed. Reasoning and critical thinking skills are necessary. Weighing costs-benefits is surely a solid solution to use. But, when it comes to relationships, men often fumble because they don’t realize that they’re trying to solve a situation that can’t often be solved with those left-brain skills. The matters of the heart require more attention to the powers of emotional intelligence.

Employing emotional intelligence (simply, to identify, assess, and manage the emotions of one’s self or of others) is a skillset that is often deperately needed in men, yet deficient. Being able to “solve” relationship problems (interpersonal, relationship or self) with one’s emotions is something really hard for men to do.

A couple of factors come into play here. Historically, men will mimic the lessons of emotional intelligence (or lack thereof) from their fathers. If there is a lack of emotional intelligence from father to son, and, more likely, that learning has been supplanted with criticism, shame, and education in avoidance, then men will continue to carry on in their adult lives and relationships stunted and emotionally unaware. They will bring those deficiencies to their intimate relationships.

Cuturally, it is reinforced that men invest a lot of their energy in building up their identities from their professional lives. Men get so used to using these left-brain heavy skill sets in careers that predominate their time and attention, they forget to turn them off when they leave work and have a hard time navigating in their intimate relationships and their marriages.

So, it’s not that men aren’t capable of developing emotional intelligence, because they can. I don’t belive in the “old dog, new tricks” cliche, which is tired and antiquated to me. Men have the ability to develop emotionally. Whether they want to or not is another matter.

It’s wedding season, and a lot of guys are getting ready to move down the aisle. They’ll either walk, or they’ll slink, or, quite possibly, they may kick and scream and need to be pulled down it. Does one of these styles describe you? Or, a better question might be, would your better-half-to-be describe you in one of these ways?

Wedding jitters are quite normal. They reflect a certain anxiety on a number of different levels. First, we come to the acceptance that this is the woman that we will spend our lives with: living with, having sex with, sharing the rest of the moments of our human existence with. Wow. It’s a powerful experience either way. It’s totally normal to feel scared, and worry that you’ll replicate your parents’ marriage, for better or for worse.

Wedding terror is a whole other thing. It’s different from normal jitters. Wedding terror is paralyzing in a way that prevents forward growth toward getting married. Wedding terror is when men shrink behind fear and freeze. Forward momentum slows down to a standstill. The bride-to-be is often confused, angry and lashes out over and over again at her guy, who continues to backtrack and avoid the conflict.

Some couples I know operate under this m.o. One partner is hell bent on marrying, and the other (many times the guy, but not always) shrinks behind the fear. Their whole relationship survives on the “I Do” proposition, and lives in the future more than it does in the present.

There are real fears associated with wedding terror – fear that the marriage will be as distasterous as his parents’ was, fear that he’ll make a poor partner and that he’ll let her down, fear of growing bored in 20 years, fear that, and this is a big one, he’ll lose his independence and his bachelorness.

It’s hard to stay in the “fear place” and communicate what is hard to communicate. For guys, it’s not easy to speak from their fear, and thus we end up shrinking behind all of the above examples. Sometimes, the work is deeper, and requires counseling to identify and gain awareness about old tapes, messages and faulty beliefs we have about marriage and our role in it. Sometimes, we are programmed with these messages, and they run us so unconsciously that’s it’s really hard even knowing that they’re there.

I see this so much with men: guys who need stuff from their partners who don’t come right out and say it. True, both sexes can be equally guilty of this, but for the sake of working with men, I’ll talk about them on this post.

The games we play to get what we want end up creating more interpersonal conflict and disaster than need be. Because some men are not in touch with what they need from their mate, and, more importantly, understand how to language it in a way that they get that need met with minimal friction, otherwise good, decent couples end up breaking up or going their separate ways. It saddens me to see this, but the power of communication can very much be a force for the good, as it can be for destruction.

Making assumptions about what the other partner is thinking or feeling is one common trap that a lot of guys fall into. They fantasize that their partner is thinking or feeling something about them that is just simply not true at all. But, because they fail to “check it out” with their women, men tend to then react to their fantasy, not the reality, of the situation. In this way, the cycle of conflict gets worse. Conflict is fueled by assumptions not grounded in the reality of what is going on, but what is going on in the guy’s fantasy.

Also, shaming, name-calling, manipulating and “wiping my hands of” the situation are other games that I see men play in relationships to get what they want. These games are destructive, and they promote confusion, anger, withdrawal and loneliness, among other things. They undermine the foundation of a good relationship.

Being direct about what the need is is a great start. “I need attention,” or “I need a kiss after a hard day at work,” are direct and perfectly acceptable examples of communicating clearly what needs are needing to be met. Being clear, concise, and direct are things that a lot of guys have a hard time doing in relationships, but are so important in the development of it. They are the fundamentals, yet a lot of men haven’t learned these basic skills growing up. Not only did no one teach them to do it these effective ways, but what these men did learn are negative surrogate ways of getting needs met (like the examples above).

Fear of anger is just as preventative for growth as is anger itself. For men, a lot of times being afraid of their anger and the effects of playing out their anger makes their mental health worse off. 

Many men I speak to are afraid of the damaging effects of their anger on other people. They are simply afraid of unleashing what they think will be destructive anger onto their mates, partners, co-workers or family, so they muzzle it. Men are known to stuff their anger, suppress it, mute it or fail to communicate it. This creates a host of problems. The anger is in their, building up over time like a pressure cooker, and needs a release valve to depressurize it.

So, without a good valve, the anger gets mutated. It comes out as sideswipes, quips, sarcasm or criticism. It is worn on the sleeve and becomes part of one’s personality structure. It becomes “who we are,” and we forget or simply don’t have a clue about how to deal with it effectively, for fear that we’ll do it ineffectively and be rejected by others for our rageful behavior.

We get afraid of our own anger, but the reality is that anger is a normal and natural force that needs expression just like the other feelings that we experience, such as sadness, pain, happiness, etc. But, somehow along the way, either by cultural forces or gender expectations or both, we as men learned to stuff that natural force that is anger. We hid it, and stopped its organic and expressive flow. 

So, learning to express our anger in a healthy way is a must, to find better mental health and more open and happier relationships. Learning to simply say “I’m angry about this,” or “I’m angry at you” are acceptable and non-violent ways to express yourself. It’s difficult to do, because we’re usually fixated on the person that caused us to be angry, and subsequently spend all of our time and psychic energy damning them and their actions that caused us to be angry. Taking responsibility for our own anger is a must, and we must learn to get better in touch with our own anger, so that it does not drive us into the ground and run our lives.

Have that sense of working too hard to make somebody else happy? Is that somebody your partner, girlfriend, or wife? It’s tough to decide on when you are at the point of working just a little too hard or two much to meet her expectations of you, as a boyfriend or husband.

Sure, there is work to any relationship. Ideally, you are able to meet as many of her needs as you can, and there will be some needs you simply cannot meet. But, are you feeling judged and criticized for underperforming? Does she complain that “you don’t love me?” or continue to remind you what you’re not doing for her? Do you numb out, or avoid hearing what she’s saying? Am I making any sense at all?

Deep listening is so important, as is a willingness to change and start to both understand and meet the needs that she is asking of you. It’s hard to listen when you feel defensive, and that happens when you feel criticised, belittled or generally upset. The difficulty lies in listening, because it’s probably true that you’re angry, disconnected, and otherwise unwilling or able to meet her needs and give her what she is looking for from you. The distance gets wider, and she may not realize that her words are pushing you further away from her, which is creating more of the original problem. The issues are snowballing.

So, good communication, listening attentively and deeply, and becoming crystal clear about what both people’s needs and feelings are (and how they can be met – e.g. through a hug, kind words, etc.) are critical elements of success in bridging the gap between the two of you. Ironically, its the verbal assaults, criticizing and name calling that creates more of the same problem.

I know everything in the media seems to be revolving around the economy: the market, home loans, business concerns, and credit crunches. I think that that stress may be also trickling into some unforeseen places, like your marriage or relationship.

Sex and money are two common sources of stress, and both are highly underemphasized in most relationships. It’s not comfortable talking about these things, so what do we do? Sweep it under the rug, and go on using money with the negative, dysfunctional messages that have always characterized our relationship with money. 

Maybe one of you spends to alleviate stress, or the other has a habit of overspending to compensate for guilt or shame in your relationship. Maybe you both live in separate fantasies about how money works in your life – and those fantasies don’t match the other one. The current economic realities have started to slap you in the face, and now you’re wondering why you needed that last minute trip to the Bahamas.

Money, and our relationship with it, is a very powerful agent (and container) for our dysfunctional messages and neurotic compulsions. Mix in our issues with our relationships, and we’re looking at a perfect storm of problems. 

So, what helps this mess out? Stopping the hiding from your spouse about those gambling weekends you and your buddies had last month? All these are good starts, but there is more.

I think that understanding how to minimize conflict is another key. conflict will come from not being on the same page together if there are money issues. Honesty is essential. I think that money brings a lot of discomfort and fear, especially of the other spouse getting mad, and rejecting their mate or their spending habits. Spending habits are directly linked to one’s personal psychology, and rejecting the spending habits may risk rejecting the spouse, especially if their is excessive spending or addictive behaviors going on. Then, more intervention may be needed.

The economy has its ups and downs, just like a relationship. Taking preventative measures, and knowing how you will navigate (both in your finances and in your relationship) will calm the waters quite a bit. Knowing how to work with your spouse as a team, and not malign, blame, criticize or anything else to make the situation worse will help. Seeking professional help, such as with a good financial coach and a relationship counselor, will help minimize these issues.

- Jason

(This article I wrote also appears in the Jewish News of Greater Phoenix, October 10th edition)

Every good general has a battle plan, and, if you’re like my former self, you’ve spent enough time alone waiting for the right date to come around. My friend Jay used to call me the hardest-working dater he knew. (Now I have bestowed that title on him.)

Although I really wasn’t sure how to feel about that honor, I did learn volumes about the dating process, and about myself, in the experiences that I had before I found success. Although there are forces that are sometimes beyond our control (the mysterious and cosmic powers of chemistry, for example), there are things that you can do in preparation for getting a date to improve your chances of finding the partner that you want.

What is essential to consider is this: Do you know exactly who you are looking for? Could you write a fictional profile of the woman that you are looking for, down to the name of her dog and her favorite flavor of ice cream? This may seem extreme, but until you have honed and refined your ideal mate, you widen the gap and allow for a lot of ambiguity and indecision to flow in. What you’re doing is creating the idea of your mate in your mind. Take some time to consider this invitation to create a profile of the woman you want. Identify her personality traits, values, physical features, professional aspirations and hobbies or interests - everything that you can think of. I’ll bet that when you put your ideas on paper, you’ll find out much more than you thought you would, and the results may surprise you.

Second, how is your networking “presence”? Do you set yourself up to meet as many ideal women as you can? The Internet - whether that’s JDate, Match.com or any other Web site - can be a great tool, but if that’s the only place you’re looking, you’re limiting yourself. Once you have done the first step of writing your profile, you’ll familiarize yourself with the places and settings where your ideal date will be, whether that’s at a film club, at Papago Park doing some hiking or at a yoga class. (Hint: Guys, go do yoga right now - if you’re not already. You’ll get a great workout, find tranquillity and meet women all at once).

Third, and this is important because it’s the hardest, how will you convey interest in her when you meet her socially? Will you walk the plank and take the risk of approaching her when you find her?

I will share with you my philosophy about kamikaze dating: Act fearless and summon the strength to go over to her even though your fear tells you not to (the girls without the wedding bands, of course). Your kamikaze mantra will become this: “There is nothing that I can say or do now that will kill me,” to borrow from Friedrich Nietzsche.

Unless you are a total bumbling idiot and drool or speak incoherently, she will appreciate your summoning the strength to go over to her, even if she doesn’t show interest back. Let me ask you this way: Do you want to live with the regret of not approaching her and the fantasy of “what if it did happen?” What could you be missing out on because you colluded with the fear inside of yourself instead of taking the risk?

For those less brazen souls, be everywhere you can where there is the possibility of meeting someone special. Don’t be shy if you really want it, and if you want it, you need to place yourself where you have better odds. Being at home obviously lowers the odds quite a bit more than being out where your date will be.

Next article, we’ll talk about how to create success while on “The Date” itself, and how to get her interested in you and on your side in no time. Stay tuned.

For the guys, I want to help communicate for you those things that are creating fighting and problems in your relationship. For the girls, I want to help you understand your guy, and what he is needing, as to give you an insider’s edge. Here goes.

1. Wants to be loved: You’re not too different from her, I know. This idea doesn’t run rampant in our culture, which says that we need sex, beer and football, which is crazy. I know that you need to know that you are loved, special and important to her, and that she communicates this to you.

2. To be admired: I know you want her to think highly of you. Remember why you tried out for your high school baseball team in the first place? Yes, it was to impress the girls. As adults, we still have that same need to impress our women. We want to know that she is admiring and swooning at us and our achievements and accomplishments, whether that’s being a good dad, employee or husband. So important.

3. Sex with you: Ladies, yes, he does want to have sex with you, and why should this even be on the list. A no-brainer. But, he also needs intimacy and affection from you, in the same way that you do, too. Guys are emotional beings, and don’t let any article form MSN or the like tell you that that is not the case.

4. Validation: A little different from admiration, validation is needed by guys to know that they are doing right by you. That’s it. I think that guys fear angering their partners, so a little verbal validation will help keep your relationship on track and show him when he’s doing a good job. Plus, it’s a great behavioral modification tool, so he’ll know when he does good and when he doesn’t do so good.

So, these are some things that guys do want, whether or not they are said. We’re not just limited to strictly what the media has to say about us. Believe it or not, we’re quite dynamic and emotional beings. And, no, this conversation doesn’t go past this blog post. I promise.

Check out this related post on why men cheat:

http://phoenixmenscounseling.com/blog/2008/09/30/why-men-cheat/

Jason

Here’s some ideas about what to do if your girl explodes in a seething rage on you.

1. Don’t leave the scene. Although guys have the tendency to freak out, or leave, or both, I would advise you against this decision. Stay, and let her have her anger. Don’t take it personally so quick, because you’ll react in a way that you’re probably not conscious of. Hang in there.

2. If you’re having a reaction, such as feeling scared of her anger, or feeling angry yourself, say that to her. It will flush it out of you, and it will allow her to recognize it in herself. It may open up the conversation at the critical point where most conversation will go south. You can change the course of it yourself, and not have to succumb to sleeping on the couch this week.

3. Hang in there and listen. Actively listen, and see what is going on with her. It may not be anger. It may be a host of other things, such as not feeling seen, heard, validated, loved, etc. Women are mysterious creatures, and it is very possible that something else is going on with her, that may or may not be related to what you did. Again, remember – it is her anger, and the less you fall into it and react to it, the more perspective you will have on the conflict to help yourself and slice the amount of time battling in half.

4. Don’t apologize just to apologize – then you look like a chump. If you’re truly sorry, wait a little bit of time until the conversation progresses, and then take ownership for what you brought to the conflict. But, just to apologize for its own sake, and too early, will make you look insincere, and might make her more mad.

5. Take a breather if you need to from each other, but come back and finish out the conflict in, say, ten minutes or so. Don’t let it go, and neglect it – it will just fester if it stays unattended to.

Oh, and check this post out. It relates to this topic, about better communication tips form me to you:

http://phoenixmenscounseling.com/blog/2008/09/07/say-what-you-mean-and-mean-what-you-say/

I was having a conversation with my business coach, Marco, and he was talking about this idea, which led me to seek out the article on (gasp!) Oprah.com. It’s interesting, and looks at the reasons behind why men cheat. It’s usually not about the cheating per se, but about a vacancy or an unmet need from within the relationship already. Do you find yourself fantasizing about cheating, or about other women in general? Would you suspect that there is something lacking in your relationship as it is?

See the article here:

http://www.oprah.com/slideshow/relationships/couples/20080827_tows_cheating

I’ve been working with this idea a lot in my sessions, about how men feel unfulfilled or not totally “in” the relationship, and then, on top of that, don’t have or haven’t learned the tools to get what they want or what’s lacking. Sometimes, infidelity or even “checking out” of the relationship has already happened, and then counseling becomes more like a clean up job.

If you suspect that there are some things in your relationship that you are not getting from your girl – sex, love, affection, validation, support, fun, intimacy, communication – maybe these are things that begin to create the problems that lead you to avoid, withdraw, or generally “check out” of your relationship. She probably knows that you’re doing this, and may or may not be saying it in words. Get some help now, before it’s too late for your relationship.