When problems happen in otherwise good relationships and marriages, what I often hear from men is that they don’t feel supported by their wives or their girlfriends. Many check out after several attempts to get the support that they need, and just as many more simply don’t know how to get that support directly from the one they love.

Are you one of those guys who feels disconnected and unsupported from your relationship partner? How do you experience this lack of support?

The problem is, on the surface, a lack of support or validation from your wife or girlfriend. Underneath that lies another, more subtle layer.

Men have a really difficult time recognizing their own needs, and have an even harder time actually connecting to those needs and communicating it (in language she can understand) directly to her. Instead, guys withdraw and stop interacting with women. they’ll tell themselves, “Why try? It’s just too difficult. Of course I want support, but she should know this. I do a lot for her, why do I need to be the one to tell her?”. Reactions happen across the range: some guys do the withdrawal-and-hide-the-anger thing, or some guys just check out of the relationship in general. Some guys get critical, or exercise their frustration through trying to control things or people in their environment. And some other guys just stew in their heads forever trying to figure out “how to fix it.”

Here’s some bullet points to help you. It’s unfortunate to see otherwise good guys in otherwise healthy relationships struggle to simply get validated.

• Ask yourself: “Does she validate me enough? Do I need more from her sometimes?”
• Ask yourself: “How does she show me support now? Could I actually name the ways that she communicates her support to me right now?”
• Talk with your wife or girlfriend, and express your appreciation for the support that she does give you; this will reinforce her behavior, and let her know exactly how you want the support. A lot of times women are clueless about how the support/validation is actually absorbed by their guy.
• Write down (on paper) what you would like validation or support for. Are there certain things that you’re contributing to her life, the kids’ lives, or to the household in general? Make a list of those things, to develop your own awareness about what those things actually are.
• Admit there’s a problem, both to yourself and to her. Make some time to communicate with her (hopefully, not during or after a fight). Say: “You know, I’m needing something from you and our relationship, and sometimes I don’t quite know how to ask you. I need to hear more supportive things from you around (x) and (y), and it would make me feel much closer to you.”
• If you sense you’re starting to withdraw or get angry, ask yourself “What am I needing in this moment?”. There’s usually an emotional reaction when we’re not getting a certain need me. This is an extremely powerful statement, so use this liberally when you get upset.

Hopefully, you can employ some of these helpful tips to get the support and validation you need and deserve in your intimate relationship. We’ll be talking about how to give the support and validation back to her in the next blog post. Stay tuned.

In relationships – intimate or otherwise – your single greatest weapon for success is communication. We have so much power in our hands with good communication, and we don’t even know it.

So many relationships end, or fade out, because communication sours or stops. Family members stop talking because of some ancient grudge from some relative’s wedding way back when. Marriages end because of issues that could have been worked out with clearer communication. Work relationships fail because we didn’t quiet mean to say what we said to our boss, and in our fiery impulsivity, leads to us getting fired.

We get in our own way when we communicate ineffectively. If we’re failing to state our needs and feelings, then we’re probably not getting what we want. If we’re not listening to what the other says, including when they have a problem with us, we’re ensuring a problematic conversation. If we’re not in touch with what we want, they others will have no clue about how to meet our needs.

For men, shutting down their anger is a universal issue every guy seems to deal with. Some guys explode; other guys stuff it in. Ineffectively dealing with anger is big time related to poor communication. A lot of guys are afraid of their own anger, or are afraid if they communicate it to the person they’re upset with, that person will reject them (e.g. their wife/girlfriend). Some guys are so busy people pleasing, that they would rather take care of other people’s needs instead of take care of their own. Over time, this builds up lots of anger, and it’ll come out in harmful ways.

The other thing on anger: it’s o.k. to be angry and communicate it. If you’re angry, it doesn’t mean you’re “that” guy, the jerk no one wants to be around. Being angry once doesn’t mean it becomes your identity. This is an important difference. Too many guys get afraid of being “that guy”, and stuff their anger further.

Here’s the skinny on what works and doesn’t work in good communication:

What works?

• Learning how to state your needs and feelings directly (first with yourself)
• Being open to your feelings
• Communicating your anger directly, not passively; don’t hold it in – it’ll corrode you
• Listen, and really hear what the other person is saying
• Get in touch with what you want from the person, and request it instead of demand it from them

And what doesn’t work?

• Criticizing others; they’ll shut down – guaranteed
• Judging others
• Acting superior to others
• Making demands upon others
• Using “always” and “never” with others
• Rehashing history with someone, and using it as ammo against them
• Passive-aggressive behavior (like saying “I’m not mad at you,” but acting mad at them in other ways)

For those who have never been part of the counseling process before, the idea of sharing one’s most intimate self with someone (a therapist), as well as their spouse, is fear-inducing. Many couples come to couples counseling because they want to learn how to better communicate with each other, and lack the trust to be able to breach the topics of the most sensitive issues: sex, money, trust, power. Men have a hard time with relationship counseling. Most would rather enjoy a root canal that have to buy into couples counseling.

But, couples counseling is not as scary as most people think it is. In couples counseling, it is the job of the therapist or counselor to be an impartial and participatory observer, among other things. Many fear that the therapist will take sides, which is understandable yet false. A good couples counselor should be supportive of both sides, and encourage dialogue, awareness and insight for both relationship partners.

Usually, a two-hour intake will include designing a treatment plan, which is based on the agreed upon goals each couple wants to work towards together, completing an in-depth interview, and agreeing on the treatment process with a consent to treatment conversation and paperwork completion.

Couples counseling sessions are designed to identify the blocks and barriers that keep relationship or marriage partners apart and disconnected. Moreso, through insight, greater awareness and ownership, each partner is encouraged to dialogue in a way that is not falling into blaming, avoiding, hurting or any of the other myriad ways couples dysfunctionally interact with each other outside of the counseling office. Goals are set, and weekly homework assignments are given to each couple/partner to work on between sessions. Always, prioritization of quality time together needs to be the foundation, even if there are hurt or angry feelings that need to be communicated about. Couples that maintain their distance will continue to: it’s addictive to want to avoid potential conflicts, especially for many men and people who are conflict-avoidant.

These are a couple of things to think about when considering starting the process of couples counseling. It’s critical that you interview your couples counselor and make sure that the therapist is competent, experienced, compassionate, and, most of all, that you connect with your marriage counselor. Couples counseling is an investment: psychically, financially, chronologically, emotionally. Because you are putting in so much, get a sense that you’ll get out of it what you need to by researching and choosing the right therapist for you.