• Listen. Don’t fix. Listen.
• Validate her. Affirm her. Questions? Ask her for help.
• Don’t flirt with other women. Flirt with her.
• Talk about your feelings. You won’t die of vulnerability.
• Clean more.
• Hold the door open for her.
• Don’t criticize or attack her.
• Say you’re mad when you’re mad.
• Remember her birthday.
• Initiate date night.
• Tell her she’s sexy more.
• Tell her she’s beautiful more (it’s different from sexy).
• Don’t avoid her during arguments.
• Know she’s scared you don’t love her if you do avoid her.
• Cook more.
• Keep yourself in decent physical shape.
• Cap the video game/watching sports time a bit.
• Don’t bag on her to your friends - talk with her about what frustrates you
• Make eye contact.
• Initiate sex more.
• Tell her you understand how she’s feeling.
• Treat others kindly. Especially her parents.
• Don’t bag on her friends.
• Don’t hide your emotions. She’ll read it on your face, chap.
• Make yourself interesting. Pick a new hobby.
• Prevent relationship boredom before it starts.
• Prioritize ‘us’ as a couple that’s different from being parents together.

One of the biggest problems couples face is not talking too little, but talking too much. Fighting and conflict result in talking more than need be, and couples fall into this trap because they say too much to each other. They bark, groan and sulk about little things - from laundry to bill paying to cooking - and this adds to the cumulative effect of relationship conflict.

We say too much. We say things we don’t mean. We put our foot in our mouth, and then regret that we said anything at all. We lose ourselves in the angry reactivity of the moment, and say things we wouldn’t normally have said in a cooler state.

Appreciating this maxim - less is more - and applying it to relationship communication is essential. Chances of conflict minimization increase when the “less is more” concept is applied. Talking less equals more of an opportunity to listen, or at least not say as much. Watching our reactive selves through detached (not aloof) mindfulness is better that losing ourselves in our reactive minds, which want to keep the fight going and say things that will will the power struggle. This just doesn’t work.

Couples who can learn to say less, while not avoiding or isolating from each other, and learn to make their fights and conflicts more efficient, can find newfound success and greater marriage happiness. Learning to speak directly from our feelings and needs, instead of attacking, criticizing, and playing the power games, we can learn to be more efficient in our words and getting our point across much more efficiently to our partner. Learning to develop these qualities is a must for couples seeking to stave off more conflict; couples counseling or marriage counseling provides a third-party and a neutral environment to develop those skills to better a marriage or relationship.

The biggest reason to work with a male relationship counselor (i.e. me) is because men often feel more comfortable talking with a guy. It’s true. I think that men feel like they have an alliance, although the reality is that counselors are neutral, shouldn’t take sides and should communicate impartiality in working with the couple.

Men often assume that female therapists are there to gang up on them, and that they’ll have two women in the same room barking at him. I understand the fear there for guys.As it happens, I get a lot of women calling me because I work with couples, and because they think two things: that a guy will indeed feel “safer”, but also because they will have a better chance of getting their guy into counseling at all. A large number of wives, girlfriends and women who care about their guys are the ones that initiate counseling.

Counseling is still seen as a self-improvement vehicle, and something that men just don’t do. We don’t help ourselves, and we surely don’t go to counseling. Part of my mission - personal and business - is to break that cultural stigma or messaging. It’s got truth to it, but it’s not totally true.

For women, the golden benefit of having a male relationship or marriage counselor is being able to work through the issues from a guy’s perspective. I have found that women are much more likely to empathize with men with they hear it from a guy counselor (your truly), and then they are more ready and able to hear, translate and assimilate what is going on for their guy. It’s very effective, because I am helping the guy to communicate to his wife in a way that only another guy can.

If you’re considering marriage or couples counseling in Phoenix, Scottsdale, Tempe, or anywhere in the Valley, consider the benefits of working with a male relationship counselor for those reasons I wrote about. I think you might find added value to the experience, and it’ll help your marriage or relationship a lot more than you might have expected.