There are plenty women in the world. Lots of other women. For a lot of committed guys, this is quite a struggle. Men want their committed relationships, yet their minds, or their behaviors, stray to seek out other people. Some guys troll around online on dating websites, or cheating websites for that matter. Some guys get massages with “happy endings” and justify that as “not cheating”, and other guys carry on full-fledged affairs with one or more women outside of their marriage. Cheating is definitely a spectrum of behaviors, and it can mean different things to different people.

For some guys, who starts to look outside of their relationship or marriage for female gratification, it’s a slippery slope from looking and fantasizing about other women to actually engaging with them and carrying on relationships. I talk with a lot of guys who absolutely thought “I never in a million years thought I’d be doing this.” A lot of guys who are not feeling like they’re getting their needs met in their current relationship, year after year, finally start to seek out gratifying their needs outside of the relationship, when they feel that it got too bad. Others start cheating from the get go.

Learning to deal with other women in the world is a reality. We are certainly sexual beings by nature, and there are plenty of outlets in our everyday lives. But, we are so much more than primitive beings. A lot of what drives us towards seeking out the comforts of other women is not just sex. Again, for many guys, it’s the feeling of not being appreciated or affirmed by their wives or their girlfriends, and they are unconsciously driven towards seeking out those things from other women. For the great majority of men that I speak with, especially the ones that aren’t tuned into their own emotions, it can be hard to verbalize the negative feelings or reasons that drive them into the arms of other women while they’re in a relationship or marriage. Their partners never know because these men don’t know what they need. We are driven just as much emotionally as we are physically, believe it or not.

Other women also serve as ego boosters. They can help you feel good about yourself when you were not feeling good about your own self. They can also help men create these fantasy worlds, kind of surrogate worlds that man can enter when they want to, and then leave when they want to. This “fantasy world” contrasts with the stark reality or unhappiness at home or in their current relationship. It’s easy to not deal with the problems at home when you can immerse yourself in a fantasy world, where you have another woman validating you, stroking your ego, and making you feel affirmed, special, and sexually satisfied. It’s hard to not be in touch with the reality, especially when you’re creating good cover for your indiscretions.

Really getting in touch with your values, and seeing how your behaviors are aligned with, or maligned with, your value system is one way to start to choose the kinds of behaviors that you really want to be engaging in. If seeking out other women is not aligned with your value system, and nurturing your marriage and your family are, you can see how the behaviors are then maligned with your value system. The more you can align your behaviors with your chosen values, the more in harmony you can live, and a greater amount of happiness you can experience. The behaviors may have short term gratification, but don’t meet the long-term needs, which are more aligned with one’s values.

Again, understanding the reasons that drive you to seek out simulation or affirmation from other women is totally important. For a lot of guys who don’t know what drives them, learning to understand the reasons and the mechanisms that drive them to meet other women are very important. Do you want to seek out sex solely? Do you want your ego to be stroked? Do you need affection, attention, or appreciation from another woman? Do you feel inferior with women, and are trying to attract the attention of women to compensate? Do you want to have your cake and eat it too?

Basically, learning to get in touch with these things is going to help sharpen your attention and start to help you clarify those things that are most important to you. For many guys, seeking out the simulation and satisfaction from other women is more of a way out, or a fantasy world, or a way to get their needs met somewhere else. Many times, it’s not quite how one could go about getting their needs met directly, and learning to appropriately communicate those things will make you a stronger man.

Sex, like other things, couldn’t be fundamentally different for guys and girls. Sure, the act is the same, the fun’s the same, and it’s an (ideally) satisfying experience for both. What could be so different?

Women have sexual needs that are different from guys. For a lot of women, sex provides a connection to their partner. They want the emotional contact, something men don’t often prioritize as a top reason for getting down.

Connection is not a word often associated with a man’s vocabulary; it is, on the other hand, integral to a woman’s. Sexual contact and connection is an expression of greater emotional and relationship intimacy and connection, which a lot of couples don’t have in their everyday lives. For men who find it difficult to understand the needs of women to connect, sex is a vehicle for that intimacy. Using sexual intimacy as a starting point to develop more “global” relationship intimacy is a great step.

Love is interconnected with sex for some women; having sex is an expression of love. This is an important point for guys. Understanding that regular sexual contact for women is a way that you’re expressing your love – or at least interest – in your woman is important for relationship development.

What can I do to boost up my sexual game for the long term, you may ask? Sure, new sex positions and “date night” are helpful. Carving out time for sex is important for many couples, especially busy ones and couples with children.

Here’s 7 suggestions for a deeper sex life with your partner:

• Try enjoying the process of sex – not the goal (orgasm) – and see what happens that’s different.
• Spend one time just asking what she wants. Ask where she likes you to be, what she likes you to do, and generally work on being more present to what she wants from you.
• Work on developing eye contact. Women love this. They’ll get that sense of connection we talked about.
• Talk about your fears of sex, or other past situations that have been troublesome for you. Everyone has holdups and fears around sex – it’s highly vulnerable. Try communicating those to your partner, if you feel comfortable. If your fears create intimacy issues or sexual problems, seek professional help.
• Take care of yourself, so you feel good about yourself first: eat right, manage stress well, get the good sleep you need, and try exercising for better physical, sexual and emotional well-being.
• Don’t let pornography get in the way of intimacy. Talk about it, and don’t let it become the elephant in the room. It may be hurting your relationship in more ways than one.
• Have some fun. Relax your need to perform like the stallion you want to be. Be yourself, and don’t try to aspire to unrealistic expectations of yourself sexually. Ask the right questions, and hopefully, you’ll get the right answers.

Acceptance of cheating among men has actually decreased in recent years, compared to previous decades, like in the 1970′s, but In the age of instant communication and viral storytelling, cheating has come (and stayed) in the forefront of the cultural consciousness, with the prominence of celebrities and politicians who have cheated, and gotten caught.

But why do men cheat? Do they cheat simply for sexual gratification? The answer is multi-dimensional and not as easy as that.

According to research, the number one reason that men cheat is because they no longer feel appreciated, validated or cared for by their wives. An unsatisfactory sexual relationship may contribute to it, but the vast majority of men admit that it was because they felt neglected at home, didn’t feel appreciated for their efforts or for who they were.

Here’s how it works: A marriage or relationship slowly starts to erode when partners start to distance themselves. Often times, having children takes precedence, and a marriage is redefined in a way that it becomes second priority. Men – when not getting those needs for intimacy, appreciation or validation – begin to feel angry and hostile towards their wives. They start the emotional disconnect from their wives or girlfriends, which, in turn, creates more friction and hostility towards them by their partners. The cycle continues, and many men opt for cheating or infidelity.

In my experience, men are emotional beings that have a very difficult time learning how to access those emotions, and communicate them in a way that their partners understand. Men are used to the avoidance and withdrawal, especially in the realm of getting their needs and feelings met. Often times, they don’t have or haven’t learned the communication tools to be able to fix the problem before it gets bad. They’ll avoid or repress the problem, and not deal with it as it needs to be dealt with.

Here are some highlighted reasons why men cheat, and then added points on the Tiger Woods scandal, to contrast celebrity cheating:

All too often, I talk with guys and couples who are having issues with one or more of the three of these issues. It’s like guys have one foot in their relationship or marriage, and one foot out. Many problems stem from the use of porn, infidelity or emotional cheating, and yet there are causes to these things as well.

Most of these types of problems, I believe, come from the failure for guys to connect to their emotional selves.  When we as men can’t connect to our emotions or know what they are, there is a higher chance that they will seek gratification in some form or another from an outside source.

It’s known now that the number one reason men cheat is not about the sex: it’s about emotional disconnection, or lack of intimacy. When guys are disconnected from themselves emotionally, it makes sense that I’ll be disconnected from their partners, wives or girlfriends. That’s when the cracks start to appear within a relationship. It may be subtle, but those cracks widen over time.

As the emotional canyon widens, many distractions then have an opportunity to seize hold of a guys’ wandering mind. The guy may not know it, but he is probably emotionally disconnected and is seeking that emotional gratification from one of those outside sources. So what we see are things like hitting use of pornography, extramarital affairs, improper interpersonal interactions (like flirting or the like), or creating emotional affairs with members of the opposite sex outside of the primary relationship.

The problems usually come to a head when the marriage or relationship is about to end, and often this happens when one partner stumbles upon the well guarded truth of the other, which makes it so much worse. It’s like adding fuel to the fire, and the chances of rebuilding that trust become excruciatingly hard.

One of the things that I feel so committed to in my work as a counselor and therapist for men is to help guys become more emotionally connected with themselves, so that they can be able to connect emotionally with the women they love. It’s through this lack of emotional intelligence, or emotional blindness, that we disconnect and the problems between us start to take hold.

I was having a conversation with my business coach, Marco, and he was talking about this idea, which led me to seek out the article on (gasp!) Oprah.com. It’s interesting, and looks at the reasons behind why men cheat. It’s usually not about the cheating per se, but about a vacancy or an unmet need from within the relationship already. Do you find yourself fantasizing about cheating, or about other women in general? Would you suspect that there is something lacking in your relationship as it is?

See the article here:

http://www.oprah.com/slideshow/relationships/couples/20080827_tows_cheating

I’ve been working with this idea a lot in my sessions, about how men feel unfulfilled or not totally “in” the relationship, and then, on top of that, don’t have or haven’t learned the tools to get what they want or what’s lacking. Sometimes, infidelity or even “checking out” of the relationship has already happened, and then counseling becomes more like a clean up job.

If you suspect that there are some things in your relationship that you are not getting from your girl – sex, love, affection, validation, support, fun, intimacy, communication – maybe these are things that begin to create the problems that lead you to avoid, withdraw, or generally “check out” of your relationship. She probably knows that you’re doing this, and may or may not be saying it in words. Get some help now, before it’s too late for your relationship.