For a lot of men, the fear of stirring the pot keeps them stuck in both fantasy and anger, two places that get a guy nowhere right quick.

“Nice guys” don’t want to piss anyone off, especially their women and their bosses. They stay “nice” and stuff their true desires and needs, which the mind then uses as fuel to create all sorts of wonderful scenarios that make expressing the initial need or resulting anger much harder.

Think of that which has gone unfulfilled because of your fear of anger. Think of the situations that you have shied away from or bowed out of because you were afraid of engaging in conflict with someone else. You didn’t want to create the conflict, because you risk being criticized, rejected, unloved or just generally left out in the cold. This is not good.

Is it possible to express your needs in a healthy way, that wouldn’t set you up for the potential conflict situation you think is inevitably coming? You bet there is.

Speaking from your needs and, god forbid, feelings, does actually attract people you’d otherwise consider to be non-believers (and potential conflict sources). Not going into shaming, blaming, criticizing, manipulating, cajoling, nudging, superiorizing, and in any other way, shape or form, doing anything towards the other person. Staying in your own experience, and speaking from that place of “centeredness” is much more rewarding that the joyful explosions you’re bound to create when you do conflict like you are normally used to.

Fear of anger is just as preventative for growth as is anger itself. For men, a lot of times being afraid of their anger and the effects of playing out their anger makes their mental health worse off. 

Many men I speak to are afraid of the damaging effects of their anger on other people. They are simply afraid of unleashing what they think will be destructive anger onto their mates, partners, co-workers or family, so they muzzle it. Men are known to stuff their anger, suppress it, mute it or fail to communicate it. This creates a host of problems. The anger is in their, building up over time like a pressure cooker, and needs a release valve to depressurize it.

So, without a good valve, the anger gets mutated. It comes out as sideswipes, quips, sarcasm or criticism. It is worn on the sleeve and becomes part of one’s personality structure. It becomes “who we are,” and we forget or simply don’t have a clue about how to deal with it effectively, for fear that we’ll do it ineffectively and be rejected by others for our rageful behavior.

We get afraid of our own anger, but the reality is that anger is a normal and natural force that needs expression just like the other feelings that we experience, such as sadness, pain, happiness, etc. But, somehow along the way, either by cultural forces or gender expectations or both, we as men learned to stuff that natural force that is anger. We hid it, and stopped its organic and expressive flow. 

So, learning to express our anger in a healthy way is a must, to find better mental health and more open and happier relationships. Learning to simply say “I’m angry about this,” or “I’m angry at you” are acceptable and non-violent ways to express yourself. It’s difficult to do, because we’re usually fixated on the person that caused us to be angry, and subsequently spend all of our time and psychic energy damning them and their actions that caused us to be angry. Taking responsibility for our own anger is a must, and we must learn to get better in touch with our own anger, so that it does not drive us into the ground and run our lives.

Control is such a basic and fundamental issue underlying men’s behavior, especially within the context of a relationship. I often hear women complaining that they feel controlled by their man’s behavior, and end up reacting against this perceived control. Men often times don’t know what they are doing, and have no ide nor desire to control their women. At least that’s what they say.

Control issues can rear their ugly heads in relationships, and cause a lot of destruction. It defines a relationship in terms of a power imbalance, and activities and interactions then become a sort of power currency between mates. I don’t know too many men that would readily or easily admit that they have control issues, let alone start to communicate about them in their relationship. Saying “I feel helpless or out of control” is a lot less harmful to the communication and to their spouses than is trying to control someone or their behavior overtly. It’s difficult to take ownership or responsibility for wanting to control someone or someone’s behavior that is somehow unacceptable to the controlling person.

Control issues within a relationship are subtle, and I think that they underlie other types of problems in a marriage or a relationship, and can manifest themselves in different ways, such as jealousy, anger, compulsiveness, rage, etc. 

To start to have an honest conversation about control is to start to depressurize it, and to stop letting it affect your relationship in the subtle and myriad ways that it does.

The work that I do with men is very much grounded in the present moment. Most of the problems that we experience are byproducts of living in the past, in memories about how things used to be (for better or for worse) or in the future, where things look better than they do now. Happiness, change and personal and relationship success all lie in living in the present moment, and developing present-moment awareness about how to access the feelings and emotions that come up in that moment.

In working with men, the present moment is often difficult to experience. Men tend to hide their feelings, or not be in touch with them at all. Men I work with tend to have found residence in their heads, which makes their problems worse. There is an unconscious tendency to try to figure out or fix problems from the head, which doesn’t always seem to work. If it did work, we wouldn’t need therapy.

To experience the present moment, feelings can slowly surface and find the light they need to burn away. Fear, pain, anger, sadness – all want to run their natural courses, which in an organic sense is to process and to leave. But, because we learned poor coping skills (defense mechanisms) to deal with those very painful experiences, we do not have the experience of the present moment and keep those feelings frozen and stored away, where they don’t reach the light of day and melt away. 

Counseling with me is an experiential process, because I work from a framework called Gestalt Therapy. IT’s a little different than just talk therapy, because it is learning from experience in the present moment. Gestalt Therapy works with the present moment as it unfolds in the therapy transaction, often through experiments in the session. It is effective at helping clients “get out of their heads” and into their experience of living, where the pain resides and true transformation can be had.

My mentor and I were talking about the major themes that men struggle with, and I wanted to share with you some of them. They are not ranked in any particular order.

1. Anger

2. Helplessness

3. Control issues

4. Need for validation, love and praise

5. Emotionality and its expression

Kat (my mentor) and I agreed that control and power underlie so many issues for men. We traced back many issues that men deal with to those issues above, but, more specifically, to issues related to control, power and the lack/loss of those forces. Relationship issues can manifest a plethora of issues that seem to come back to control. So, in your own experience, do you deal with issues of control? If you did, would you admit it, if you even know that you’re dealing with them? Has she told you that you are controlling, and it simply did not register for you? I’d like to hear what you think about that.

Leave a comment about your personal experiences with the issue of control within your relationship.

So, is it true? Is your self-critic running your life? 

I’ve found that one of the biggest problems that smart, successful men deal with is their own self-critic. Guys with loud self critics never feel satisfied, need to feel in control most of the time, and in their hearts, don’t feel good enough or like they measure up to others’ standards. Even though they have accomplished a lot in their lives and in their professions, they still somehow feel like they fall short.

The self-critic is critical of self and others, always strives for perfection and unreasonable accomplishment, and is never at ease and satisfied with itself. It needs to keep pushing, and getting to “more.”

Consequently, it can be the source of a lot of stress, anger and insecurity, which will inevitably create problems on the job, in relationships, and in our own skin. It is the epicenter of a lot of the problems that you may be experiencing.

So, how can I help you to quiet this overly aggressive self-critic? Together, we’ll:

• Learn about your unique self-critic, and see how it works and runs parts of your life
• Figure out how to stop feeling less successful than other people
• Learn how to still accomplish and get stuff done, without the loud self-critic making it worse
• Understand the role of anger in your self-critic, and use it to better transform your critic
• Feel more in control, and stop feeling out of control
• Get less feedback from your woman about being controlling of her and the things that she does
• Create easier and deeper relationships for yourself

I invite you to make an appointment with me to work on your self-critic. Call me now at 602.309.0568.

- Jason

The importance of a father’s impact on his son cannot be underestimated. The father-son relationship is as important as it is underestimated in the successful development of a man, who becomes a partner, husband and parent himself. 

For a lot of men in our culture, men are either physically absent, or emotionally absent. The problem is that a lot of men don’t have a clue about how to be emotional, or to use the tools that they don’t have to solve relationship or communication problems. With that inability to use the necessary tools to create and navigate successful relationships, men get into trouble, and then unconsciously pass down to their sons the things that creates problems for themselves.

One example of what I mean is the ability for men to connect to their anger. Men traditionally either explode in rage and anger to get what they want, or will internalize their anger, and let it turn into anxiety, depression and a host of other secondary problems. Depression and anxiety have other roots and causes, but interpersonally, anger is created a lot of times and then suppressed when our needs for love, affection, importance, to be seen, etc. are not met.

Men pass these things down to their sons, who then get modeled these ineffective and destructive ways of being in relationships. They learn to not meet their needs, quiet their voice, and generally suppress their various needs within a relationship and in their lives. To the extent that women are emotional beings, men could learn a thing or two about how to connect to and speak from their emotional pain.

Men can be good at doing the things that they do well: teach a kid how to fish, shoot hoops or change a tire. Men can be supportive of their sons, and provide a model in a lot of ways. Men can model being good fathers, but unfortunately, men don’t know how to model being a well-rounded man. A lot of our culture says that to be emotional is not ‘manly’, and is responsible for this, I believe. This is a problem, and a myth. 

Until we accept that connecting to our emotional selves is not a bad thing, and is not “unmanly,” I believe we are only operating with half of our full selves. I think that it’s time to break the generational cycle that fails to hand down all the tools needed for personal and relationship success for men.

If you think you struggle with not having the right tools that you need for your relationship (for example, you don’t know how to communicate with your wife or girlfriend, or you avoid conflict at all costs), I ask that you contact me for an appointment at 602.309.0568.

- Jason

Here’s some ideas about what to do if your girl explodes in a seething rage on you.

1. Don’t leave the scene. Although guys have the tendency to freak out, or leave, or both, I would advise you against this decision. Stay, and let her have her anger. Don’t take it personally so quick, because you’ll react in a way that you’re probably not conscious of. Hang in there.

2. If you’re having a reaction, such as feeling scared of her anger, or feeling angry yourself, say that to her. It will flush it out of you, and it will allow her to recognize it in herself. It may open up the conversation at the critical point where most conversation will go south. You can change the course of it yourself, and not have to succumb to sleeping on the couch this week.

3. Hang in there and listen. Actively listen, and see what is going on with her. It may not be anger. It may be a host of other things, such as not feeling seen, heard, validated, loved, etc. Women are mysterious creatures, and it is very possible that something else is going on with her, that may or may not be related to what you did. Again, remember – it is her anger, and the less you fall into it and react to it, the more perspective you will have on the conflict to help yourself and slice the amount of time battling in half.

4. Don’t apologize just to apologize – then you look like a chump. If you’re truly sorry, wait a little bit of time until the conversation progresses, and then take ownership for what you brought to the conflict. But, just to apologize for its own sake, and too early, will make you look insincere, and might make her more mad.

5. Take a breather if you need to from each other, but come back and finish out the conflict in, say, ten minutes or so. Don’t let it go, and neglect it – it will just fester if it stays unattended to.

Oh, and check this post out. It relates to this topic, about better communication tips form me to you:

http://phoenixmenscounseling.com/blog/2008/09/07/say-what-you-mean-and-mean-what-you-say/

How would you know this to present itself in your relationship or marriage? Here’s some ways that might help you to identify if this is a problem in your relationship.

1. You feel not good enough a lot of the time when you’re together.

2. You don’t feel praised or validated nearly as much as you feel criticized.

3. You sense that she is quietly angry at you a lot of the time.

4. She conveys to you (verbally or not) that you have to be doing something else, or something better than the way you usually do it.

5. You bottle anger up and (a) sulk and depress or (b) burst out or explode onto her.

6. When you attempt to do something for her, she has a problem with some aspect of it.

7. Your wife or girlfriend never seems to be happy or satisfied around you.

8. She’ll take control of things that you do or say.

9. You feel like she’s your second mother incarnate.

10. You find yourself avoiding her, to steer clear of her criticisms or judgments.

Although there may be somethings that you could be doing to improve your own relationship, it’s possible that your wife or girlfriend expects too much from you, and you’re confused, shut down or unable to give to her what it is that she is wanting. Maybe she’ll unclear about what she wants from you. Either way, maybe you need some professional help to understand what is going on. I would invite you in for a free consultation with me at my office, to see if these things are signs that a bigger problem is going on. Call me today at 602.309.0568. 

- Jason

For all you men who would like to communicate better, I offer you these Sunday morning tips in today’s entry. This seems to be the theme this week, from a number of different experiences I have had. It’s true – men play a lot of games when it comes to communication. So, here’s a Cliffs Notes of Mens’ Communication for you, from the Counselor for Men.

1. Don’t make assumptions. If you suspect something, or have certain ideas in your head about your partner, check them out with your partner first before reacting to your assumption. It takes fortitude to practice mindfulness, the art of becoming aware of your thoughts, feelings and experiences in the present moment. Communicate your assumptions, and start by saying: “I am making this assumption that you…” or “I am having this fantasy that you thought or did this….”. A lot of the times, our minds dupe us into thinking that an assumption is our reality, when it is not.

2. Don’t attack. Sometimes the verbal attack comes from when we guard our fearful place, and then react to not become wounded or hurt by our partner’s words. Stay with your inner feelings, and speak from that place – your thoughts, feelings, sensations, assumptions, whatever. Just stay on your side of the fence, and don’t jump it to attack your mate. Things are sure to get worse if you do attack.

3. Say What You Mean. Take your time and get in touch with what is going on inside of you. Speak from physical points of pain in your chest or your heart. This is difficult to do, when our minds tell us that the other person is to blame, so let’s spend the time going to get her. You may be scared instead of being angry, which you may not know until you check that out inside yourself. You may feel insecure instead of rageful that your partner said something about your personality that hurt you.

4. Talk, talk, talk. If you are like many men, walking away and avoiding the situation is common and easier to do, because we want to avoid the pain, which creates conflict and tension. Pain is a common experience for people to want to avoid, as is taking personal responsibility. But, even if the words come out wrong, hang in their and have the difficult conversation with your wife or girlfriend, because if you don’t, the anger, avoidance, tension and conflict will build up over time and cement, making it a lot more difficult to help yourself in the future.

Happy Sunday to all of you guys out there. Leave a comment, and tell me what your experiences are about the difficulties that you have had in communicating with your partner.

-Jason

get-out-of-my-face

Don't avoid conflict like this guy.