Anger has so many negative mental health implications, not to mention societal ones like domestic violence, road rage, job termination and the like. Anger has gotten a bad rap, especially with men. Men are afraid of their anger, and they often tell me that they’re “not an angry person.” Identifying ourselves as angry people - instead of people who get angry - is certainly a difference.

We’ll take a quick look at 7 simple anger management techniques to help you out when your anger feels out of control to you. Practice these with regularity, and you’ll be able to quiet down the anger that might otherwise lead to into some otherwise sticky situations.

1. Walk away from a situation that inspires your anger. It may be helpful to communicate to a person that is inspiring your anger (e.g. your wife or girlfriend) that you need a few minutes away from the situation. But, make sure and come back to the problem to resolve it diplomatically: too often, men walk away from conflict and fail to go back to resolve it.

2. Reset with your breath. You know, that active life force right under your nose that you overlook during the day. Focus on your breath for ten deep breaths, or two minutes, whichever comes first. You can anchor yourself and reset in the present moment with attention to conscious breathing.

3. Say “I’m angry.” Say it to yourself, or say it to someone else.

4. Ask yourself: “What would be the implications to me in this moment if I acted on this anger?” Even if I want to rage out or thrown or hit something or someone, what would that get me? How would that work for me? Think about how a destructive impulse leads to the behavior, and think about the consequences for yourself, or someone else you care about, like a child or employer you are interacting with.

5. The Lifesaver Technique: I learned this last week from the anger expert W. Doyle Gentry, Ph.D, in a training I took. He says that the next time you find yourself angry, suck on a lifesaver until it’s all gone before you respond in anger. You buy some time to respond, as well as take advantage of the sucking reflex to achieve a state of calm. You’re also consuming something sweet, which the brain likes as something pleasurable.

6. Don’t criticize, judge, manipulate or say that someone “always” or “never” does something. Refer back to tip #3 to help yourself.

7. Stay with the felt sense of anger as it arises in your body. Usually we get angry with our heads, but if you can pull back and attend to the anger rising in your body - sometimes in your heart or stomach region - you’re disconnecting from the reactive anger response and training yourself to look at other, less obvious sources of anger.

Use these tips frequently for best results, and you’ll be a anger management pro in no time. Make a conscious effort to turn around your relationship with anger, and you’ll see your other relationships start to change for the better.

If we’re honest with ourselves, sometimes the very act of making New Year’s resolutions cause the very stress they’re trying to reduce. Trying to commit to a workout schedule, or any other schedule, sometimes sets us up for failure when we burn through the initial motivating stage and land into the same stuck place we started from.

Learning how to lower the stress in our lives - and not add to it with unsuccessful New Year’s resolutions - is the goal for more successful stress management.

Taking goals step by step, and successful planning, are keys to minimizing resolutions-based stress. Being realistic about your goals (practicing what’s feasible) will help succesful achievement of your New Year’s goals. Knowing that maybe a fine six-pack might look great, but how attainable is that, considering the real day-today stressors you deal with in you life?

Great planning goes a long way in goal setting stress management. Knowing what resources you’ll need is key: time, money, support, psychic investment, etc. Being prepared for the steep hike helps when you’ve got all the gear you’ll need when the inevitable speed bumps (or road blocks) appear, including waning motivation levels.

Scheduling is another key to stress-free New Year’s resolution planning. Knowing exactly when, and how often, you’ll be advancing towards your goals is critical. Mapping out the time blocks on the calendar you use most, whether that’s your phone or physical calendar on your fridge, is helpful to knowing how to best use your time to achieve your new goals.

Finally, practice patience and compassion with yourself. Watch your aggravating self-critic trying to undermine your efforts and shoot you down. Remember: the path is also the goal. Most goals are successfully learned and practiced over the course of time, so try to see yourself advancing through the process, not specifically towards goal attainment. It’s the path that’s important to remember, and it’s less likely you’ll quit along the road if you can focus there a little more.

I think about happiness a lot. I think about it around this time of the year quite a bit, as happiness and the holidays are so closely wedded. I meditate on the nature of happiness, and how we go about seeking it.

Happiness can come from finding meaning: in the work we do, in the friendships we create, and in the intimacy we deepen with our partners. It comes when the roads of the imaginary and reality merge.

Happiness can come from being present: to ourselves, to our thoughts and to our emotions. Being present and undoing the destructive emotions and thoughts that lead to destructive behaviors can lead to happiness. Quieting the self-destructive voice inside our heads, and learning to deal with the pains of life as they arise - and not continually pushing them aside - will lead to being happy.

Happiness comes from the little joys in life, not from always trying to get somewhere or grasping at trying to accumulate more stuff. We’ve tried that as a society, and it’s gotten us into an epidemic of mental health suffering. And medications don’t always help make us happier.

Happiness is about “knowing thyself”; it’s about developing a compassionate eye back at oneself, and learning to accept oneself as one is. It’s about ceasing to compare ourselves to others for a change, and even to stop comparing ourselves to ourselves. Compassion comes when the voice of comparison quiets down.

There are a lot of distractions to happiness, especially during the holiday season. We’ve seen where our surge to happiness has brought us: into the worst economic crisis in 70 years. We buy more, and crave more, and buy more, and never manage to fill ourselves up with more, now matter how big our appetite grows. We seek solace in self-help wisdom, and cultural gurus, yet things don’t always seem to get better.

Happiness is being away of our mortality, yet not succumbing to the fear of it. It’s being aware that our days are numbered, which encourages us to enjoy our relationships, be mindful and enjoy the fleeting nature of things: good music, colors, delicious food and the mystery of nature.

Happiness is there for the taking. It’s those self-imposed obstructions that, with presence and awareness, can free us from the suffering and neurosis that keeps us stuck.

(Press Release)

13 DAYS OF A MERRY CHRISTMAS…RELATIONSHIP!

Men’s Counselor Jason Fierstein Gives 13 Tips to Help Relationships Survive the Holidays

November 30, 2009- Phoenix, AZ – With the holiday season in full swing, emotions, tempers and tantrums can flare. Jason Fierstein, owner and founder of Phoenix Men’s Counseling, has created 13 humorous but practical tips to help all relationships survive this sometimes tumultuous season.

Tip #1 – Avoid Heat Seeking Land Mines! - Every couple should have a strategy between each other on how to troubleshoot potential road hazards; the father that always criticizes, the perfectionist mother-in-law . Anticipate behavior so you and partner know not be REACTIVE. Remember, alcohol and sugar combined can help set off those land mines.

Tip #2 – Pigskin Planning – Communicate with your partner ahead of time how each social scenario is going to play out. For example, first there will be dinner, then everyone gets up from the table and watches football, then there is an intense discussion of what movie to go see…etc. Let your partner know what to expect so that he/she can anticipate what is going to happen.

Tip #3 – Be A Yes Man – Be a “Yes” man especially if you and your partner are hosting festivities in your home. Be aware that this will be a stressful time for your spouse, girlfriend or partner. Get into customer service mode… you can’t lose with “how can I be of help.”

Tip #4 – Don’t Let Credit Cards Pull Your Sleigh – Have the holiday budget talk with your partner. Sit down and come up with a gift giving strategy. Figure out how much you are going to spend per each person and discuss and agree on the budget before shopping.

Tip #5 – The Holidays Can Gobble You Up – there are so many ways that they holidays can erode good will, just trying to find a parking space in a busy mall, can raise ire and frustration. Allow yourself plenty of time to accomplish the tasks at hand and be mindful of keeping realistic expectations.

Tip #6 – Prevent an FUI – Family Under the Influence – The word libation is a word close to liberation and verbal liberation can cause a lot of family strife. You may get yourself in a verbal situation that can become triggers for old family issues. Make a pact with yourself and your spouse or partner to an alcoholic drink maximum (before drinking begins) and vow to not let others who are drinking push your triggers.

Tip #7 – Does This Dress Make Me Look Fat? – Men need to be sensitive to the fact that a woman’s physical appearance and perceptions are highlighted during the holidays. Be complimentary and sincere…and don’t even think about mentioning any holiday weight gain!

Tip #8 – In Case of An Emergency Break the Glass – have an exit strategy with your partner. A key word, phrase or tug of an ear to let the other know that you are at your family, office or holiday party limit and it is time to go.

Tip #9 – Stay in DMZ (the Demilitarized Zone) – Agree to stay on neutral ground whether with family or co-workers. Don’t ask questions or bring up topics that are going to invite pain or conflict. Remember alcohol exacerbates every situation and often not in a good way.

Tip #10 – Call A Delay of Game – If conflict begins, give yourself five minutes to re-center. Don’t buy into the conflict.

Tip #11 – Saddle Up Your Parenting – if you have children don’t let the kids manipulate you or your spouse or partner.

Tip #12 – Check the Pressure Cooker – check-in with your spouse or partner to make sure the pressure of the holidays isn’t negatively affecting them. Do a status check for depression, loneliness, or despair. Offer help, love and support to offset these attributes.

Tip #13 – Embody Your Inner Jimmy Stewart – “It’s A Wonderful Life” – have an attitude of gratitude, ENJOY family and friends, practice random acts of kindness and remember to CELEBRATE the holiday season.

Jason Fierstein is owner and founder of Phoenix Men’s Counseling which focuses on men’s mental health and relationship and marriage issues. Phoenix Men’s Counseling is located at 668 N. 44^th Street, Suite 300 in Phoenix. For more information, visit www.phoenixmenscounseling.com or call 602-309-0568.

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When we’re not living in our heads - in the regrets of the past and in the hopes for the future - we’re living safely in the present moment of our lives. Nothing too special, just being at peace with what is unfolding moment to moment. It’s what ‘is’.

Losing ourselves in our minds is an o.k. place to be while planning or daydreaming, but to get lost there and forget that the presence that we are - who we really are underneath it all - is there, waiting for us to attend to it.

Our work, relationships, thrills, and pain often reside in the past or the present. We fixate on things, people and experiences that are unfinished for us, and become resistant to moving on. People become emotionally frozen in time, and find it impossible to live presently. They forget about the very breath right under their noses.

With guys, who tend to go to their heads to solve problems, it becomes more difficult for them to tune in emotionally. Not being able to tune in emotionally, we fixate and circulate in our heads, trying over and over to fix our problem or dilemma, but never really getting anywhere.

Learning to live more in our lives - in the present moment - reduces some of the illusion and fantasy we carry with us. Sometimes this takes the help of a professional counselor or therapist, who can help unearth the frozen emotions. When we can learn how to develop emotional intelligence, tune into our bodies for the information we need to fix ourselves, and stop overusing our heads to figure it all out, I think we can start to develop the presence we need for greater happiness and more fulfilling lives.

One thing guys have a really difficult time doing is leaving their taskmaster at the door, and this creates a ton of relationship and marriage conflict. How?

Guys - in their masculine energy - are used to employing their “task orientation” skills to get things done: at work, at the gym, navigating, fixing cars and whatnot. Problem solving skills can be used effectively, but often not so well in a marriage or relationship. It simply doesn’t work.

Women are very different creatures, and guys forget this. Relationship harmony requires checking that taskmaster or “accomplisher” at the door. Those roles are fueled by a certain masculine energy that can oppress and suffocate a lot of women, or relationship partners in general. I see this in reverse just the same: women can easily fall victim to not knowing when to leave their taskmaster at the door.

The problems with this? Again, it can be oppressive to the other relationship partner, it can cause anger, and it communicates criticism and judgment towards the partner who is “not on board” with the program. Often, women (who bring more yin that yang) are about “being”, versus men who are about “doing.” Men’s yang energy (read:”bright positive masculine principle” in Chinese translation) can create an imbalance when guys don’t know how to contain it, or check it at the door when they get home.

The sweet spot is the balance in between. Guys can develop their awareness to balance the forces, and to employ the “taskmaster” or masculine energy at will when it’s needed: in the boardroom, in the bedroom, etc. Knowing how to hang out in the “being” place a little more is tricky for many guys.

Your relationship or marriage can benefit with the development of both the “being” and the “doing” experiences. Therapy or counseling can often help with the emotional development and expression of those energies, and to figure out where the blocks, and then to remove them.

Divorce tends to be emotionally gut-wrenching for the people who go through it (not to mention those around them). But most couples don’t realize that divorce can also be among the most ruinous financial moves anyone can make.

Sure, you could bet big and lose on a single stock or money manager. Or your small business could go bankrupt, taking your life savings with it. But divorce and the costs that often come with it — from legal bills to the sudden need for an additional residence — affect far more people.

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