If we look closely enough, we find that a lot of our behavior we can trace back to messages that we received growing up from our families of origin, or, more specifically, from our parents. As small children, our parents are our original models, and we learn about how the world works from them.

A lot of those messages we need to incorporate into our worldview for survival. Unfortunately, many of those messages are outdated, and continue to run like tapes in our brain. Those outdated tapes may continue to play on loop, and our behaviors, emotions, and thoughts are a product of those repeating messages. The relationships that we get into as adults are, in some part, formed from those outdated tapes. We learn plenty of good things from our parents about relationships; we also learn plenty of things that just don’t help us.

Challenging your family of origin messages, or those negative tapes, is the first step towards awareness and waking up to the fact that those tapes or messages can be changed.

Specifically, a lot of our ways of thinking about critical issues come from our parents: money, sex, intimacy, gender roles, professional images, how we fight in relationships, and all types of negative behaviors. We incorporate those messages into our experiences, and have varying degrees of awareness about them.

For men, a lot of the messages about stuffing your emotions, the message that “real men don’t cry”, and about learning how to withdraw, come from having learned those behaviors from a parent growing up, often times from a guys dad. When we get conscious of those  messages, we try to fight them, and sometimes succeed, and sometimes don’t. We often live in overcompensation mode, where we’ll “work harder, be better, be kinder, make more money,” and everything against what a parent did originally.

We have to challenge your family of origin messages to be able to grow up on our own. As long as we carry within us negative family of origin messages that are outdated, we stay stuck in the past and don’t consider alternative ways of being, and lose out on the chance to grow through those messages.

If we’re wanting to develop more confidence and better self-esteem, we have to deal with those early messages that communicated to us that we’re not good enough. If we want to develop healthier lifestyle choices, it may be that we have to face some ways of being that we’ve taken for granted, and have learned from our parents over the years. If we want to learn how to be a better money manager, it may benefit us to take a look at the internalized family tapes that play around money and the problems that result.

Challenging your family of origin messages is difficult. Many times, men stay complacent and don’t really challenge the status quo, where those tapes lie. If we can learn to become aware of some of those negative messages that play, we weaken certain challenge them and incorporate new messages that really will work for us. Change is difficult, and sometimes submitting to those early messages is just more convenient. The promise of being set free through shedding those messages is a promise you can’t afford not to make.

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As a culture that wraps our happiness up with money, it’s ironic then that most of the research that has come out states explicitly that money doesn’t buy happiness. According to one Princeton University study, the link between income and happiness is mainly an illusion. “Although income is widely assumed to be a good measure of well-being, the researchers found that its role is less significant than predicted and that people with higher incomes do not necessarily spend more time in more enjoyable ways,” states Eric Quinones, who looked at two Princeton professors, economist Alan Krueger and psychologist and Nobel laureate Daniel Kahneman.

So, what does produce happiness? Researchers do point out several factors involved in happiness, such as:

1. Developing coping strategies for stress and hardships in your life
2. Taking care of your body, including getting the right sleep, eating well, and exercising
3. Creating a social support network of friends, family and people you trust to confide in
4. Practicing mindfulness: yoga, meditation, or simply focusing on those “little pleasures” that create our days
5. Learning to forgive: we let of of pain, anger and hurt when we can forgive those that have wronged us
6. Experiences over things: researchers also point out that experiences, such as a first date or a great trip, will bring us more happiness over acquiring more material pleasures.
7. Live your values: take a moment to identify what you truly value in life, and see how well your lifestyle reflects the the things you truly value.

We need money for a variety of things in our lives, but when we start to invest all of our happiness in how much we make, what we own, and what we’ll reap in the future, we become contingent on an outside source (money) for our happiness. Happiness is inherent within, and accessing one’s own happiness is personal affair. Hopefully some of these tips will help you design a “happiness program” for your own self.

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With the recession still in tow, there’s a plain reality to not having enough money. It seems like everyone’s still suffering in one way or another – or knows someone who’s hurting financially. Not having enough money to pay your bills is a stark reality, but we’re looking at something deeper today: the psychology of not having enough money.

Feeling deprived, we sometimes slide into a state of feeling like we’re constantly not having enough money.

Our money behaviors don’t always match what we value about money in general. The way we spend money doesn’t always synch up with our belief about saving, not not spending. When we get to feeling deprived about not having enough, there’s a gap between what we are feeling, and what we’re doing in the world. For example, when times are tight, it’s difficult to differentiate between “needs” and “wants”; often times, we have a very skewed reality of the things that we truly need. Modern lifestyles dictate that we “need” much more than we really do.

Almost certainly luxuries, we tend to integrate certain lifestyle choices into the “need” category, even though they really aren’t: expensive data plans for our iPhones, weekly movies, Starbucks lattes, and a host of other things that we’ve slowly assimilated into our lifestyles. These “little luxuries” are certainly great to have and consume, but they add up, and they distort our realities when we start to embrace negative thinking and feeling about not having enough money in our lives.

If we can learn to slim the gap between what we spend, and what we truly value, we can learn to save without consciously trying to create a budget for ourselves, as budgets don’t always work for people. We can learn to spend more in alignment with what we truly value in our lives, such as good health, family, valuable experiences, as well as cover the basics for food, shelter and clothing. We can take the “edge” off of the psychology of not having enough money, simply by maximizing the experiences we do choose to spend money on by aligning our spending with our values, or the things that really do matter to us.

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Ah, the sounds and sights of summer. Beach time. Grilling. Good friends and family. I was always looking for an excuse to bring my boombox somewhere when I was growing up, so that I could play my dubbed tape I worked weeks on. I had to wait for just that right moment when I knew the radio would be playing my song. It helped if I could break through the phone line to the station, to request it first.

Times have changed, boomboxes have shrunk to iPhones, and radio requests, well, it’s not as thrilling with streaming music. But the music and the feelings never changed. To honor the symbol of summer – the mix tape – I present to you a list of timeless classics, and new finds, to match any mood you might be experiencing this summer. And it’s just for guys. (And, no, I’m not serenading you).

These songs don’t fit the bill for you? I’ll post this on my blog, so head on over and add your favorites. (This was the best of my iTunes for summer, so it’s a limited stock). Or, check out Tom Moon’s 1,000 Recordings to Hear Before You Die.

Here goes:

Pure Summer Fun:

• “Car Wheels on a Gravel Road” – Lucinda Williams
• “Desert Island” – Magnetic Fields
• “Running on Empty” – Jackson Browne
• “I’d Run Away” – The Jayhawks
• “Honey” – Moby
• “Golden” – My Morning Jacket
• “Deadbeat Summer” – Neon Indian
• “I’m Getting Ready” – Patty Griffin
• “Statesboro Blues” – The Allman Brothers Band
• “My Girls” – Animal Collective
• “California Stars” – Billy Bragg and Wilco

Depressed:

• “Fade to Black” – Metallica
• “Comfortably Numb” – Pink Floyd
• “Sour Times” – Portishead
• “Manic Depression” – The Jimi Hendrix Experience
• “When The Stars Go Blue” – Ryan Adams
• “The Tracks of My Tears” – Smokey Robinson and the Miracles
• “Skinny Love” – Bon Iver

Happy:

• “My Favorite Things” – John Coltrane
• “Peaceful, Easy Feeling” – The Eagles
• “Feeling Alright” – Joe Cocker
• “Perfect Day” – Lou Reed
• “Wouldn’t It Be Nice” – Beach Boys
• “Joy” – Bettye Lavette

Testosterone/Adrenaline Jolt

• “Tom Sawyer” – Rush
• “I Got Stripes” – Johnny Cash
• “Communication Breakdown” – Led Zeppelin
• “Negative Creep” – Nirvana
• “Jesus Built My Hotrod” – Ministry
• “Anarchy in the U.K.” – Sex Pistols
• “Born Under a Bad Sign” – Albert King
• “Lust for Life” – Iggy Pop

Problem Relationship Songs:

• “Human Nature” – Michael Jackson
• “Cure for Pain” – Morphine
• “I’ve Got My Mojo Working” – Muddy Waters
• “Respect” – Otis Redding
• “This is Hell” – Elvis Costello
• “Love Hurts” – Gram Parsons
• “Trouble” – Ray LaMontagne
• “I Am Trying to Break Your Heart” Wilco
• “Evil” – Howlin’ Wolf
• “Jealous Guy” – John Lennon
• “Dyslexic Heart” – Paul Westerberg

Good Relationship Songs:

• “Love Keep Us Together” – Martin Sexton
• “Sweet Caroline” – Neil Diamond
• “Lady” – Fela Kuti
• “You Make Loving Fun” – Fleetwood Mac
• “I Want a Little Sugar in My Bowl” – Nina Simone
• “Love and Happiness” – Al Green
• “I Want You” – Bob Dylan

At Night:

• “Harvest Moon” – Neil Young
• “Pink Moon” – Nick Drake
• “Nightswimming” – R.E.M.
• “House of Cards” – Radiohead
• “Wild Night” – Van Morrison

In her challenging new book, “The Male Brain,” Louann Brizendine, M.D. seeks to understand men from a neurological point-of-view. She looks to the understanding of men’s brains to understand the differences between men and women from looking at the brain and hormonal differences between the sexes.

Dr. Brizendine first takes a look at the evolving boy’s brain, and how infant boys and girls differ in information processing through early development. She says that boys’ brains are wired to process information visually, as well as track and chase moving objects through action.

Biologically based, boys tend to focus less on eye contact with their parents in the bonding process than do girls. By the time they’re six months old, girls are bonding by mutual gazing. Girls are “inclined to look long and hard at faces,” whereas boys are looking away at faces to focus on more-visually stimulating objects.

As a result, women tend to be more effective at reading their partner’s faces later in life, and tend be more intuitively oriented towards understanding their mate’s facial expressions than men do.

In play time, boys will choose competitive play, whereas girls choose cooperative play and activities. Boys use play and competition to achieve “victory”, as they are setting and shaping social hierarchy early. It’s really interesting to see cutural messages enhance and develop what is developing neurologically for boys.

Dopamine levels in a boy’s brain – the neurotransmitter in the brain responsible for addiction – is enhanced with rough-and-tumble play, or simulating violence and fighting. Physical and social dominance, achieved by watching other boys and engaging in this play fighting, is a very important developmental activity to negotiate for young boys at this stage (up to age 6). The social determinations made here will affect a boy’s social standing later, in the teen years.

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Guys tend to identify strongly with the work that they do. We’re taught that the work we do is who we are. When we meet people, at parties or at networking groups, the first question we usually ask is “What do you do?”

The notorious workaholics we know are usually guys. It’s a masculine-themed issue in our culture. We’ve become a society that has seen a standard workweek increase from 40-hours a week to 50 and 60 or more. What happened to us? Isn’t there more to us? Fortunately, the recession – although devastating in any number of ways – has given us an opportunity to get back to basics, and invest in those people and experiences that bring value to our lives, aside for just work.

Work is a strong source of self-esteem for men,  and provides us with different identities. When work is good, we see ourselves as a breadwinner to our families and children (or pets), a successful son or husband, and powerful. When it’s not so good, or we’re laid off or drifting between jobs, we might experience shame, powerlessness or “poverty mentality”.

Let’s put our eggs in a couple of different baskets, shall we? Good investors learn to diversify, to spread their investments among their portfolio for balance. I propose the same for developing better work/life balance. If work tips too far to one side of the scales in your life, maybe work on developing other, equally important parts of your life.

1. Do I manage my work stress effectively? What could be different?
2. Do I have the support systems I need (e.g. friends, family, hobbies)? If not, how do I boost them up?
3. Does my work affect other parts of my life, like my relationship or marriage?
4. Do I tend to overidentify with my job or career? Does it affect other relationships?

Learning to deal with stress is an important component, en route to better work-life balance. Here’s a free stress management worksheet for you to better assess and change your stress: http://phoenixmenscounseling.com/clinicalforms/stress-inventory.pdf.

In relationships – intimate or otherwise – your single greatest weapon for success is communication. We have so much power in our hands with good communication, and we don’t even know it.

So many relationships end, or fade out, because communication sours or stops. Family members stop talking because of some ancient grudge from some relative’s wedding way back when. Marriages end because of issues that could have been worked out with clearer communication. Work relationships fail because we didn’t quiet mean to say what we said to our boss, and in our fiery impulsivity, leads to us getting fired.

We get in our own way when we communicate ineffectively. If we’re failing to state our needs and feelings, then we’re probably not getting what we want. If we’re not listening to what the other says, including when they have a problem with us, we’re ensuring a problematic conversation. If we’re not in touch with what we want, they others will have no clue about how to meet our needs.

For men, shutting down their anger is a universal issue every guy seems to deal with. Some guys explode; other guys stuff it in. Ineffectively dealing with anger is big time related to poor communication. A lot of guys are afraid of their own anger, or are afraid if they communicate it to the person they’re upset with, that person will reject them (e.g. their wife/girlfriend). Some guys are so busy people pleasing, that they would rather take care of other people’s needs instead of take care of their own. Over time, this builds up lots of anger, and it’ll come out in harmful ways.

The other thing on anger: it’s o.k. to be angry and communicate it. If you’re angry, it doesn’t mean you’re “that” guy, the jerk no one wants to be around. Being angry once doesn’t mean it becomes your identity. This is an important difference. Too many guys get afraid of being “that guy”, and stuff their anger further.

Here’s the skinny on what works and doesn’t work in good communication:

What works?

• Learning how to state your needs and feelings directly (first with yourself)
• Being open to your feelings
• Communicating your anger directly, not passively; don’t hold it in – it’ll corrode you
• Listen, and really hear what the other person is saying
• Get in touch with what you want from the person, and request it instead of demand it from them

And what doesn’t work?

• Criticizing others; they’ll shut down – guaranteed
• Judging others
• Acting superior to others
• Making demands upon others
• Using “always” and “never” with others
• Rehashing history with someone, and using it as ammo against them
• Passive-aggressive behavior (like saying “I’m not mad at you,” but acting mad at them in other ways)

Anger has so many negative mental health implications, not to mention societal ones like domestic violence, road rage, job termination and the like. Anger has gotten a bad rap, especially with men. Men are afraid of their anger, and they often tell me that they’re “not an angry person.” Identifying ourselves as angry people – instead of people who get angry – is certainly a difference.

We’ll take a quick look at 7 simple anger management techniques to help you out when your anger feels out of control to you. Practice these with regularity, and you’ll be able to quiet down the anger that might otherwise lead to into some otherwise sticky situations.

1. Walk away from a situation that inspires your anger. It may be helpful to communicate to a person that is inspiring your anger (e.g. your wife or girlfriend) that you need a few minutes away from the situation. But, make sure and come back to the problem to resolve it diplomatically: too often, men walk away from conflict and fail to go back to resolve it.

2. Reset with your breath. You know, that active life force right under your nose that you overlook during the day. Focus on your breath for ten deep breaths, or two minutes, whichever comes first. You can anchor yourself and reset in the present moment with attention to conscious breathing.

3. Say “I’m angry.” Say it to yourself, or say it to someone else.

4. Ask yourself: “What would be the implications to me in this moment if I acted on this anger?” Even if I want to rage out or thrown or hit something or someone, what would that get me? How would that work for me? Think about how a destructive impulse leads to the behavior, and think about the consequences for yourself, or someone else you care about, like a child or employer you are interacting with.

5. The Lifesaver Technique: I learned this last week from the anger expert W. Doyle Gentry, Ph.D, in a training I took. He says that the next time you find yourself angry, suck on a lifesaver until it’s all gone before you respond in anger. You buy some time to respond, as well as take advantage of the sucking reflex to achieve a state of calm. You’re also consuming something sweet, which the brain likes as something pleasurable.

6. Don’t criticize, judge, manipulate or say that someone “always” or “never” does something. Refer back to tip #3 to help yourself.

7. Stay with the felt sense of anger as it arises in your body. Usually we get angry with our heads, but if you can pull back and attend to the anger rising in your body – sometimes in your heart or stomach region – you’re disconnecting from the reactive anger response and training yourself to look at other, less obvious sources of anger.

Use these tips frequently for best results, and you’ll be a anger management pro in no time. Make a conscious effort to turn around your relationship with anger, and you’ll see your other relationships start to change for the better.

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If we’re honest with ourselves, sometimes the very act of making New Year’s resolutions cause the very stress they’re trying to reduce. Trying to commit to a workout schedule, or any other schedule, sometimes sets us up for failure when we burn through the initial motivating stage and land into the same stuck place we started from.

Learning how to lower the stress in our lives – and not add to it with unsuccessful New Year’s resolutions – is the goal for more successful stress management.

Taking goals step by step, and successful planning, are keys to minimizing resolutions-based stress. Being realistic about your goals (practicing what’s feasible) will help succesful achievement of your New Year’s goals. Knowing that maybe a fine six-pack might look great, but how attainable is that, considering the real day-today stressors you deal with in you life?

Great planning goes a long way in goal setting stress management. Knowing what resources you’ll need is key: time, money, support, psychic investment, etc. Being prepared for the steep hike helps when you’ve got all the gear you’ll need when the inevitable speed bumps (or road blocks) appear, including waning motivation levels.

Scheduling is another key to stress-free New Year’s resolution planning. Knowing exactly when, and how often, you’ll be advancing towards your goals is critical. Mapping out the time blocks on the calendar you use most, whether that’s your phone or physical calendar on your fridge, is helpful to knowing how to best use your time to achieve your new goals.

Finally, practice patience and compassion with yourself. Watch your aggravating self-critic trying to undermine your efforts and shoot you down. Remember: the path is also the goal. Most goals are successfully learned and practiced over the course of time, so try to see yourself advancing through the process, not specifically towards goal attainment. It’s the path that’s important to remember, and it’s less likely you’ll quit along the road if you can focus there a little more.

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I think about happiness a lot. I think about it around this time of the year quite a bit, as happiness and the holidays are so closely wedded. I meditate on the nature of happiness, and how we go about seeking it.

Happiness can come from finding meaning: in the work we do, in the friendships we create, and in the intimacy we deepen with our partners. It comes when the roads of the imaginary and reality merge.

Happiness can come from being present: to ourselves, to our thoughts and to our emotions. Being present and undoing the destructive emotions and thoughts that lead to destructive behaviors can lead to happiness. Quieting the self-destructive voice inside our heads, and learning to deal with the pains of life as they arise – and not continually pushing them aside – will lead to being happy.

Happiness comes from the little joys in life, not from always trying to get somewhere or grasping at trying to accumulate more stuff. We’ve tried that as a society, and it’s gotten us into an epidemic of mental health suffering. And medications don’t always help make us happier.

Happiness is about “knowing thyself”; it’s about developing a compassionate eye back at oneself, and learning to accept oneself as one is. It’s about ceasing to compare ourselves to others for a change, and even to stop comparing ourselves to ourselves. Compassion comes when the voice of comparison quiets down.

There are a lot of distractions to happiness, especially during the holiday season. We’ve seen where our surge to happiness has brought us: into the worst economic crisis in 70 years. We buy more, and crave more, and buy more, and never manage to fill ourselves up with more, now matter how big our appetite grows. We seek solace in self-help wisdom, and cultural gurus, yet things don’t always seem to get better.

Happiness is being away of our mortality, yet not succumbing to the fear of it. It’s being aware that our days are numbered, which encourages us to enjoy our relationships, be mindful and enjoy the fleeting nature of things: good music, colors, delicious food and the mystery of nature.

Happiness is there for the taking. It’s those self-imposed obstructions that, with presence and awareness, can free us from the suffering and neurosis that keeps us stuck.