There are some things that are meant to be avoided in life: traffic jams, flight delays, credit card fees and death. Some people may even add taxes to that list. But, men that avoid their problems in life find that they come back to haunt them, sometimes in a big way.

Some guys that I talk with avoid their problems – and the consequences that come – at all costs. They’ll do anything to avoid, distract, not deal, think about other things or generally try to forget about the problems that life inevitably distributes. Whether that includes problems with work, money, sex, relationships, or taking care of themselves, avoiding your problems leads to even bigger ones down the road.

It’s the same as car maintenance: if you hear an abnormal sound,  or instinctively know something’s wrong, and you  choose to neglect it, it can be a lot more expensive as time goes on. The same thing with avoiding our problems.

You see, life’s problems have a way of staying dormant only so long. They’ll inevitably creep back up, whether we like it or not. The resulting symptoms manifest as constant money woes, having the same types of conflicts with your relationship partner over and over again, choosing the same type of partners in different relationships, or suffering from the same types of health problems.

Are you guilty of avoiding your problems? Is the reality of your particular situation to difficult to look at? sometimes, when a problem is been avoided for so long, it becomes increasingly more difficult to look at and deal with, because it’s festered and grown worse. The more it grows, the more we want to avoid it, and the cycle continues.

How do you break out of the cycle, then, and start dealing with the issues you’re confronted with?

1. Breakout of the avoidance trap, and admit you got a problem.
2. Lay all of your cards out on the table, and take a look at what resources you’ll need to help yourself.
1. Do you need more time? Money? Better communication skills? More discipline?
3. Ask for help: there have been other people in your situation before, and they’re willing to help you. Ask for help from the people that care, or pay to get the help that you need from a professional.
4. Set goals and chunk it out: do a little bit at a time. Attended a problem bit by bit, and make it a habit to constantly attend to it.
5. Try to take a look at “how” you’re avoiding your problem: is it fear? is it rejection? is it shame?
6. Pat yourself on the back, instead of shaming yourself, for dealing head-on with your problem. It’s been habit- forming for you to avoid your problem, so praise yourself for having the courage to start to attend to what you avoided.

Take it one step at a time when you are starting to open up a problem that you have attended to. It’ll take some time to reorient to the problem, without avoiding it or not looking at it. Take it easy on yourself, and take it slow, and you’ll have started to retrain yourself to deal with problems or tasks as they come up.

Making a decision is hard enough. Having the wrench of guilt thrown into your machinery while you’re making a decision is even worse. Many times, were not even aware of the guilt that we carry, and it operates beneath our consciousness and controls our thoughts, feelings and decision-making skills. When we indulge in our guilt, we are generally not making the right decisions for us, or what’s in our best interest as individuals.

When we try to adhere to other people’s desires of us, whether it’s family, friends, or our significant other, we sometimes get lost in trying to both please them and ourselves. The friction that’s created is where guilt lies. Guilt is more about “should” or “have to,” rather than “wanting to.”

Guilt is corrosive. When we let it fester, it eats us up inside. It stops our better judgment of how best to live our own lives. I think guilt is more related to people pleasing, and when we: the people pleasing, we lose our own voice.

What we call ‘guilt’ is usually representative of a blade within us, between pleasing some outside person or entity and ourselves. The more we can learn to tune into what we really want, the more will find happiness, contentment and confidence. We’re certainly not going to find those things if we endlessly tried to attend to or appease others, or try to do their agenda. Ultimately, will fail, and fall victim to addictive people pleasing.

Ask yourself: “what is it that I really want, if I can cut away trying to always please others?”. if you didn’t have to deal with guilt, what would your certain outcome or decision actually be? Would it looked different than how you’re used to doing it? Are you prepared for that outcome?

If we actually take the risk of listening to ourselves and what we truly want, and not others, what are the risks? usually, there is fear or panic about letting others down, or doing the opposite of what others want from us. When we grow up, we often develop guilt from interacting with our parents. They usually have a certain agenda for us, and we usually just learned to absorb it. As kids, we never really considered doing things our own way, or if we did, it was usually in a defiant or flippant way.

I think the first way to successfully deal with guilt is to start to recognize what it is that you actually want. What would your relationship look like if you really wanted it to be free of guilt? Would your friendships change? would you end up dropping friends who you didn’t feel guilty around?

On the other end, sometimes guilt is flared up by others manipulative tendencies. Manipulation and guilt are bedfellows. Where there is manipulation, there’s often guilt. if you’re feeling manipulated by someone close, it’s important to start to understand that dynamic in your relationship, and start to address it head-on. If you allow yourself to be manipulated, the end product will probably be guilt. And guilt is extremely corrosive to the soul.

New! Affordable Counseling Services in Phoenix – Starting Today! Now only $60 a session!

If you’ve been putting off counseling, and expenses have been an issue these days, we’ve got just the deal for you. And it’s gotten a little better.

Phoenix Men’s Counseling expands it’s service menu to include affordably priced counseling for individuals and couples.

Counseling services will be offered by Trent Leupp, a counseling student intern from Argosy University in Phoenix, under the direct supervision of a licensed professional counselor – yours truly. Sessions are now priced at $60 for a 50-minute counseling session with Trent.

Appointments are currently being set up, and there are a limited amount of bookings available.

New to counseling? Been hesitant to give it a try? This is your opportunity to start to make a real investment in your well-being and your relationships.

Contact Jason at 602.309.0568, or visit us at www.phoenixmenscounseling.com to book an online appointment.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what is takes to be a good man. I think there are plenty of answers out there: from media and culture, to our own preconceptions of what it means to be a man. But what if we truly listened to ourselves and came up with our own answers?

I’ve decided to put together a men’s self-assessment, and included five areas of life that I think are key to developing oneself as a man. Take a couples of minutes out on a break to consider your answers to these life areas.

• Living Your Values
• Do you live by what you believe in? How so?
• Is there a difference between what you believe in and how you practice your life? If yes,
• Being Genuine/Authentic
• Are you truly open and honest about your thoughts, feelings and behaviors to those close to you? If not, how do you prevent or inhibit yourself?
• Are you generally being true with yourself? If not, how are you untrue to yourself?
• Taking Responsibility
• Do you find yourself playing the ‘victim’ to others, or life in general? How?
• Is it hard to “own” your stuff, even if it’s negative, paints you in a negative light, or tarnishes your facade? Why?
• Practicing Self-Respect
• Do you practice regular self care, such as exercise, good nutrition, stress management? If not, what gets in your way?
• Can you keep healthy boundaries with others (i.e. be firm with others by saying ‘no’, not compromising your values, etc.). If not, how are you flexible on your boundaries with others?
• Do you criticize or judge yourself too harshly? What do you get out of this, if you do?
• Navigating Life Balance
• How does your life tip out of balance? What are your “traps” to fall out of balance (i.e. work, kids, etc.)
• Would others in your life consider you to be balanced in your life? What would they say?
• What is one area of your life that begs for your attention, in needing more balance? What is one thing you can do to feed that unattended part of your life?

What answers did you come up with? Were you surprised by any of your answers? It’s hard to take an honest look at ourselves, when life commands our attention, or when our perception of ourselves is filtered through other people.

If you came up with more questions, let those be the starting point to develop your next answers. How can you develop an action plan to be able to improve some of these life areas for yourself? Will it take time, money, energy, other people – what resources will you need to seek out to help you in developing these things?

Taking an honest look at ourselves takes some courage, especially if we’re not in the habit of doing so. Try to make small but incremental changes in developing your awareness. You can’t change what you’re not aware of, so stay open and get others feedback if you choose. All the luck and support to you.

So often, we catch ourselves lost in our thought stream – thinking about our long term plans, or just weekend plans, wondering about past regrets we have, or stressing about things that have yet to come true. But, how well do we live grounded in our own present reality?

It’s quite common to get lost in our memories, hopes, fears, goals and stressors. But, when we lose ourselves in those places, life end us passing us by.

Many men live in the regret of the past – whether that’s dwelling on professional opportunities lost or squandered, women that have gotten away or generally idealizing their pasts in a way that we can’t let go. Often times, when we hold onto the past, intrusive thoughts predominate our thinking, and it’s as if we’re living in a parallel world where we’re not quite available to ourselves and others in the present.

Learning to let go of regret, anger and shame is an important step to letting go of the past. Developing more of a compassionate relationship with yourself means not beating yourself up for not taking that dream job, not actualizing your potential as a star tennis player, or failing in previous relationships. Living in the present moment often entails working through grief as a way to let go of the past, even if the past is so easy to hold on to.

The problem most men face is that they avoid their emotions. In doing this, what happens is that we develop these mental fixations on things in the past or future, and the negative emotions stay stuck and frozen. If you create space to see just how much you’re ruminating on things, people, places, etc., you’ll probably find that you’re avoiding dealing with the emotions that have resulted. Dealing with emotions is hard, especially when they run so deep, but it’s imperative to do so to get unstuck and back into the present moment of your life.

Mindfulness meditation is one way to come to develop more presence and live in the present moment. There are many good books on the subject. Jon Kabat Zinn developed Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR; http://www.mindfullivingprograms.com/whatMBSR.php). Developing a mindfulness meditation practice is helpful to clarifying the mind and learning to detach from one’s thought stream, where suffering lies. It’s not about better avoidance – it’s about being present with everything that arises, including wishful thinking, negative emotions and the pain of our experience of being human.

I personally practice yoga and find it’s a great way to develop more presence and anchor myself in the present moment. There are a number of great yoga studios here in Phoenix, and probably close to your home. Find the yoga style that works best for you, check out different classes from different instructors, and develop a regular routine to experience the best benefits.

Having intimate conversations with those close to you also has the transformative power of change to anchor you back in your present reality. In taking the risk to share fears, hopes, sadness, pain and insecurities with your partner or spouse, a close friend, or a family member, you’ll develop more personal awareness and make contact with those negative emotions in order to expunge them and live more presently.

Lastly, I believe lifestyle has a lot to do with being present – how much sleep you get, if you get regular exercise, how you eat and take care of your body. Optimizing your lifestyle and learning what works best for your body will most definitely help you to get closer access to the present moment. Tune in and listen to your body to see how much sleep you’ll need, when too many stimulants or too much alcohol affects your body, or what foods and supplements will be most beneficial to you maximizing your energy and presence.

When you’re bombarded with life chores and events, creating a space to plug out and decompress is hard. It’s easy to get caught in the whirlwind of daily life, but creating a regular space and time to fill yourself up could give you that extra charge you need by doing very little.

See, most men are task-oriented. It’s inconceivable for some guys to think of decompressing and doing nothing. And I’m not necessarily talking about kicking back with a drink or two (or three).

Men can be just as guilty of giving out more than they’re taking in. We end up neglecting ourselves and our need to recharge, which creates problems down the line. When we fail to meet this need, it appears as stress, physical problems, anger, irritability, frustration and feeling generally short with the world. We feel worn out, chronically exhausted and not at rest.

One related issue is that there are some guys who need to be busy 24/7. Some find that they can distract themselves with an ever greater to-do list, or can avoid their problems at home with burying their head in work. I talk with others who “thrive on chaos,” except it’s the chaos that eventually wins in the end.

What to do when creating time alone:

• Recognize that there’s a difference between finding alone time, and disconnecting from your relationship or marriage (if you’re in one). It’s a fine line, and it takes some time to do, but navigating the fine line between finding alone time and still staying connected to your partner is key.
• Communicate with your partner about this need for “plugging out”, and assure them that you are with them, you love them, and you need some decompression/time for yourself. They’ll understand if you communicate this clearly, and if not, they may think you’re avoiding them.
• Identify what makes you happy with the time you’ve got: do I like to just veg on the couch? Do I want to lift weights? Do I want to sit and read, or just contemplate? It’s up to you, and getting in touch with what works for you is important, because it’s different for each person.
• Clearly draw the line in the sand between personal time, work time and family/relationship time. It’s too easy for those lines to blur, and then you go back to feeling irritable and frustrated.
• If you don’t know what that time looks like, or how to just be with yourself, think about it over the next week. Ask yourself “at what points in time do I feel relaxed (when not on vacation)?” “How can I create more of that feeling of relaxation or rest in my home or on my free time?” And, “what’s preventing me from doing more of it?
• Get support from your partner or mate: they’ll understand that need and care for your well-being. Plan on creating both of your alone times at the same time, before you reconnect.
• If you need to immediately decompress when you come in the door, and you’re in a relationship, make that need know when you’re not just walking in the door. Discuss it with your partner at a different date, and tell them it’s important for you to disconnect before reconnecting and talking.

What not to do:

• Fall into smoking pot or drinking for your alone time. If you’re not careful, you may be inadvertently avoiding your pain or problems in your life. Watch out.
• Just expect that the time will present itself to you. You need to take the bull by the horns, and block out the time every week, or every day if need be. You know yourself, and it’s different for each guy.
• Stop communicating your need for time alone on a regular basis with your partner
• Stop planning your schedule to include personal or free time.
• Start planning out more things to-do, because this is your down time
• Fail to create and execute what your down time looks like, because without sketching out what your time looks like, it may not appear.

How do you know when it’s time to start dating again, after you’ve come out of marriage or a relationship? Have you started dating on the rebound just to not feel lonely?

It’s hard to say when the right time to start dating again is, because that’s different from person to person. A lot of frustrated daters – driven to not feel the pains of loneliness or rejection – start dating again for all the wrong reasons, and end up in worse shape than when they got out there in the first place.

There are plenty of reasons to date, and plenty of reasons not to date. It all depends on what you’re looking for. If you’re dating to meet people, have fun, hookup, or the like, it’s important to consider if you’re avoiding or denying residual pain or grief from a previous relationship breakup.

Sometimes daters (especially men) have a habit of denying or avoiding their feelings, and think another new person will fill that void. Those people certainly may temporarily, but ultimately the pain will still be there to come back to.

If you endlessly ruminate about the partner that you just ended a long-term relationship or marriage with, chances are that you’re not done letting go of them or the relationship. If you find you’re comparing dates to your former beloved, it’s probable that you haven’t moved on yet.

Give it time: create time and space in which to work through the emotions that come up for you. There’s no rush.

Contrary to that part of your mind that says “you’re not getting any younger,” there is time, and there are plenty of fish in the sea out there for you. If you think abundance, there will be abundance, and there will be many potential partners waiting for you when you return.

Besides, potential dates know instinctively when you’re “emotionally preoccupied.” They can sense it, especially women. And when you’re preoccupied with not letting go of your former flame, you’re not fully present and available to anyone else. Those potential partners aren’t getting the best of you, and wouldn’t you want them to have the bets of you?

Items to consider when dating again:

• Are you not over your ex yet? Can you allow yourself “x” weeks or months for the process of healing before you get back onto the dating circuit?
• Do you find yourself obsessing or ruminating about your previous relationship partner? If so, you may not be ready to date again.
• Identify what you want out of dating: to meet new people, to find a relationship, to get laid; understand what’s motivating you to get back out there in the first place.
• If you identify that you’re motivated by negative reasons (e.g. to not feel lonely, out of fear of being alone, scared you’re getting too old to find love), consider getting some help in working through those issues first, or while you’re just getting back out there
• Consider the kids: if you have children, what implications are there on them when you get back out to date? How will you field their questions and concerns? What about overnight stays – how will you handle those?
• Do you have an idea of what kind of partner you want? Do you have some sense of the “ideal date” you’re looking for, as to spare you added frustration when you don’t find that special person?
• Do you know how to practice good self-care, e.g. not exhausting yourself in the dating process, not overly worrying about how dates are going as they’re happening, worrying about the future with people, practicing stress management, not drinking too much on dates, etc.
• Are you so unconsciously dating that you might be attracting the same kind of partner that you just ended the last relationship with? Plenty of uninformed daters do. Don’t fall into this trap. We unconsciously recreate the same kinds of relationship patterns, so before you get out there, consider if you’re doing this. Seek out some professional counseling to help you stop recreating these patterns.

In “The Hustler”, Paul Newman plays a pool shark named Fast Eddie Felson. He is as natural as they come, but Fast Eddie has a handicap: he struggles with thinking he’s a “born loser”, as one character types him. He hides behind large quantities of alcohol, and starts working for a sinister professional gambler named Bert Gordon (a brilliant role by George C. Scott).

Fast Eddie is seeking personal fulfillment, while succumbing to the role of the loser. It got me thinking about how we trip ourselves up with “loser” type-thinking.  Eddie finally has a catharsis after the suicide of his girlfriend, played by Piper Laurie, and is able to realize his potential and shuck the “loser” mentality off to beat legend Minnesota Fats (Jackie Gleason). But how many of us are truly able to shuck off the loser thinking and fulfill our potential?

Many guys I work with look successful on the outside, and have all the trappings of what looks like success: careers, family, cars, money, power, etc. But on the inside, I think there’s a lot of us that still think we’re losers, even if we’re not to others.

First, identifying that we think like this could be a powerful wake up call to change. Often times, we get in the unconscious habit of thinking “successfully”, and not attending to the underlying loser “voice” below. We strive so hard to beat, fight and slay the “loser” that we work double time to get rid of it. And yet, the loser voice doesn’t go anywhere – it just grows stronger.

How else can you help kick the “loser” out of your life?

• Start to recognize the loser voice: let it come up and don’t push it away. It’s got something to say, and let it play out. It won’t make you a “loser” to just allow that voice some airtime.
• Journal about your experiences when the “loser” voice comes up. Create a special journal or use a dictation app on your phone and make time a couple of times a week to get in touch with that voice.
• Consider your family of origin background: Did you take in messages that you weren’t good enough as you were? Was it hard to do things without being criticized or shamed?
• Ask yourself: do I work extra hard to suppress my “loser” voice? A lot of men work double time – at work, at play, in relationships – to keep that voice locked up. Try to see how you “overcompensate” for feeling like a loser.
• Share your feelings with someone you trust: your partner, a trusted friend, a family member. Chances are pretty good that that person has dealt with these feelings, and that you’re not alone.
• Take charge of your “loser” voice: work to affirm yourself for your strengths, talents, gifts and the like. You’ve got just as many of those things that, when seeing your reality, can override your “loser” voice.
• Watch “The Hustler” on Netflix
• Get in touch with the feelings behind your experience of being a loser: is there sadness? Is there pain? Are there feelings of shame and embarrassment, or inferiority? Those can be dealt with. Seek out some support, or some counseling to help.
• Know you’re not alone: in my humble opinion, most men deal with thinking this way. Inside, most guys have a scared little boy who’s not feeling good enough, successful enough, etc. Even if other guys aren’t talking, I can tell you this can very much be the truth.

Fast Eddie overcame his label of “born loser”: he ass-kicked Minnesota Fats in the end. You have all the resources you need inside of you to not just look successful, but to believe it on the inside. What prevents us from kicking the “loser” out is ourselves. Removing those roadblocks means believing you are genuinely powerful and successful, and not the “loser” you’ve believed yourself to be.

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As much as you try to be and look successful, is there a part of your inner voice that says you’re a loser? Most guys deal with this inner critic, that undermines their real success in the world. Jason looks at this negative self-beliefs in this 2 1/2 min. video, Kicking the “Loser” Thinking, and gives you some tips to think about when confronting these negative self-beliefs.

1. Walk 30 min. a day
2. Practice breathing 5 min. a day
3. Reduce caffeine use
4. Make a to-do list for your upcoming week on Sundays
5. Set your bills up to auto-pay online
6. Plan out your vacation early, and make a budget
7. Plan a “money talk” with your partner once a month
8. Lower your sugar intake a bit, such as sodas, candy, ice cream, and baked goods
9. Plan your errands in an hour or two-hour chunk early on Saturday, so you can free yourself up for the rest of the weekend.
10. Chunk out time twice a day to return e-mails, say at 10:00 AM and 2:00 PM.
11. Ge to know a great online scheduler, like Google Calendar, or for Mac fans, Mobile Me.
12. Brainstorm what you can successfully multitask without adding to your stress levels.
13. Make time for your wife and girlfriend constantly, whether for intimacy, talking or activities.
14. Plan a date night; switch off planning it
15. Use Mint.com for budgeting and money management.
16. Auto-debit your retirement investments, so you don’t have to beat yourself up for not investing.
17. Find a good app for food shopping, if you do the shopping. I like the simple Teax Deux for easy, easy to-do lists, and grocery lists work great – the iPhone app synchs with the online version.
18. Lower your alcohol consumption.
19. Exercise for deeper sleep, which lowers stress.
20. Try yoga. Sign up for a free month with many studios. near you.
21. Listen to free stress management cd’s from your local library.
22. Practice mindfulness meditation to lower stress.
23. Get massages regularly. Yes, plenty of guys do, including me, without shame.
24. Come up with ways to disconnect from work when you’re not at work, like hobbies, interests, friends.
25. Plan your estate documents and get a good estate planning attorney.
26. Talk about what’s stressing you with someone close, like your partner, a parent or close friend.
27. Simply admit you’re stressed. A lot of guys simply can’t come to this awareness, so admit it and take action from there.