“Does frequenting strip clubs count as cheating?”

“What if I communicate with ex-girlfriends on Facebook, and not tell my wife?”

“ I didn’t think getting a happy ending in my massage was all that big of a deal, so I didn’t tell her.”

Especially with the introduction of online communication and social media, cheating and infidelity have new modes of transmission in recent years. And for some men, the line that constitutes cheating has becomes blurry, and for women, presents even more reason to worry.

So what counts as what? Does communicating with other women, especially those you’re interested in, over social media counts as cheating, when you’re in a relationship? Does ogling and flirting with other women at the restaurant while you’re enjoying a meal with your girlfriend count? the answer might lie in how well you can develop empathy for the one that you’re dating.

How well you can put yourself in her shoes to answer these types of questions may clarify some of them for you. Also, identifying your true intentions and values will go a long way: how much do you value your current dating partner and the idea of an intimate, monogamous relationship with her? How do your behaviors reflect that commitment to her?

To indulge in these behaviors, sometimes guys compartmentalize and deny. Our minds have a way to compartmentalize those unacceptable behaviors, and push them away. For example, if you started up an online conversation with someone of the opposite sex, it’s easy to legitimize that as a simple online chat, or as a nonthreatening interaction. We use denial as a way to stave off the reality of the effects that it might be having on our life, our relationship or on our significant other.

The hurt, distrust and confusion that cheating, or cheating-like behaviors, cause wives and girlfriends is underestimated by a lot of men. Men don’t think about those effects on their women, and have a hard time developing true empathy for what their wives or girlfriends must be going through. One female psychologist that I spoke with asked, “How would you feel if your wife was talking to her old college boyfriend on Facebook?”

Men do have sex on the brain quite a bit of time, but acting on those impulses or thoughts is certainly another matter. Behaviors are different from thoughts, and while normal sexual fantasy is left to the minds pleasure, acting on those can cause your relationship a lot of damage. The behaviors are different from the impulses, and this is an important thing to think about when looking at cheating.

The difference is that the behaviors are usually an expression of some crack in the marriage for the relationship. As studies have shown, sex is a factor in cheating and infidelity, but it’s the lack of intimacy, communication, and appreciation and affection that men miss most. When guys aren’t getting this in their current relationship, they are more prone to activate those cheating impulses and turn them into behaviors.

A lot of this boils down to how well you and your partner are communicating. Are you comfortable sharing sexual fantasies with each other, or telling her about non-sexual run-ins that you have had with former partners or lovers? How well do you trust each other to talk about these things before they turn into big problems? If the trust and the communication aren’t there, it may be more likely that cheating behaviors will happen.

Thinking about this topic, I know we’re heading into murky territory, but I’ve been talking with a ton of guys this season where that big question has come up. I think it’s something about the holiday season that makes us look back on our past year and assess both the good and the bad. Do we look back in happiness and success, or do we look back in regret?

The holidays seem to drudge that question up for a lot of people, because I think a lot of otherwise unhappy people want to be able to make a change for themselves with the new year. Relationships are no different. Many people who are unhappy or unsettled in their current relationships start to ask themselves this question around this time of the year, and start to ask themselves if they need to make a change.
This is one of the most difficult questions to ask -  “do I stay or do I go in my relationship or marriage?” This article is not going to answer that question for you, but it’s been a bring up some points for you to think about.

There are some things that make answering that question easier, such as direct physical abuse, a partner who is mired in substance use, or other immediate response needs. I think those types of things need into serious inquiry into the “do I stay or do I go” question.

But, for a lot of men, they ask this question of themselves out of sheer reactivity and hopelessness. Many kind of choose to stay stuck between a rock and a hard place, and never seek out the help that they need, such as couples counseling. For some, it’s more comfortable. For others, it’s just denial.

A lot of times, the question “do I stay?” really means “ can I continue to deal with the problems that I am experiencing currently?” We often end up blaming our partners and creating a certain storyline about them and our relationship, and how it’s going to hell. If we get stuck in those types of thoughts, we’re toast. A lot of relationships and marriages that can be worked on, aren’t.

For men, it’s a little harder to take a look at the things that we are doing to our partners, and to take responsibility for the negative things that we do to them. I think the “do I stay?” question reflects a little bit of this, as well as “can I continue to deal with the negative emotions that come up inside me?” Sometimes, enough suffering drives people out of their comfort zone, where the pain of a bad relationship had become more than they can sit on.

For the guys who are emotionally avoidant already, the next logical question to start asking is “do I go?”. For men who avoid their emotions, and often avoid conflict situations in general, the desire to end a relationship or marriage is logical. It’s just easier to do it that way, and to start over from scratch. Problems are too difficult to work on in this relationship, you might tell yourself. She’s not open to a change, you might tell yourself as well. Or, this is just too much work, and I’m not up to the task, you might end with telling yourself.

I think the biggest question you need to consider is are you asking yourself if you want to flee the relationship based out of reactivity and emotion, or is this a rational, well-thought-out plan? For a lot of men, it’s acting out of reactivity and impulsivity, and that might work briefly in the short term, but not in long-term. We are bound to have to deal with this dynamic again, whether we get back together with our partner, or develop a new relationship with someone else. It’ll still be there.

And then, there is the “I should stay for the children” dilemma. I see a lot of couples wanting to hang in there, despite really difficult problems, for the sake of the kids. Some drudge through miserable marriages because they don’t want to expose their children to break up or divorce. Many times, it’s these guys who were those children in the past, and don’t want to do to their family what it is their parents did to them.

Really making a commitment to hang in there and work on the relationship issues, especially if you feel strongly about your partner, is really the first step. Identifying whether you’re wanting to end the relationship out of the emotion, or whether this is a well-thought-out plan, is one question that you could consider.

A lot of times, even the most hopeless situations can improve with some emotional connection, but it can be difficult for men to both connect to their feelings and to be able to listen to some of their partner’s issues with them and not want to fix those issues (which women often don’t respond well to, but do when you’re present and listening).

Is your relationship or marriage worth saving? Do you feel strongly enough about it, and about her, to start to do the heavy lifting to get your relationship back on track? Some guys do; others don’t. I’m not going to lie to you: it does take some work. But, your relationship is worth it, isn’t it?

Like no other time in the year, the holidays demand that we get quite gluttonous. Starting with gorging ourselves with turkey and stuffing, to im-bibing on New Year’s Eve, the holidays make it easy for us to push rationality aside to indulge in the joyful holiday spirit.

For most, overindulgence happens all across the board, from eating to drinking to spending. Learning how to reduce some of your holiday stress might lower the post-celebratory hangover in January (your relationship and your wallet may thank you later).

Spending too much is pretty much a given for most people during the holidays, but use these tips to help you deal with your holiday money stress:

1. Plan your spending early: Whether you’re trying to decide how much to spend on gifts, eating out or traveling, getting in touch with how much you figure on spending, or setting a budget, can help you deal with some of the post-sticker shock experiences of the new year. Try to get a sense of how many people you’re spending on, plan what events or functions require you to shop, or pick up wine,or get a sense your specific travel expenses may be. Planning early, and setting a budget and sticking to it, will help you not get caught up in the mad consumerism of the holiday season.
2. Understand your reasons for spending money/saying “no”: Gifts and holiday expenses are normal, but going over the top may not be, especially in today’s economic climate. For some, especially people pleasers, the tendency to buy gifts for people so they’ll be happy with us may be going too far. Also, if you are going to holiday parties or events where you feel obligated to, don’t. There may be the obligatory work party that everyone needs to go to, but if there are parties or dinners you’re invited to and you don’t really want to go, and where you can reasonably decline, stay true to yourself and say ‘no’.
3. Communicate with your wife or girlfriend about spending: Talk and plan with the one you love about what the financial expectations are for the season. Are you both on the same page about how much you are wanting to spend, say on the children’s gifts, on each other’s gifts, eating out, etc.? Do you both have the same ideas about how much you think is reasonable to spend? Talk and get on the same page.
4. Use Mint.com: This is one of the best websites out there, for tracking your expenses, setting short term goals, or getting a sense of what parts of your life you spend most in. There are pretty color pie charts and line charts to help illustrate your spending and saving, so you can feel like you’ve got a nice hold on your holiday spending. They’ve got a pretty handy iPhone application to boot, so you can track while you’re shopping.
5. Don’t “emotionally spend”: Emotional spending is probably the majority of what we end up consuming up holidays, whether that’s the impulsive peppermint latte at Starbucks, or that quick $50 photo shoot with Santa for your kids at the mall. Christmas and the holidays have a way of stoking our emotions to open up our wallets, so just be careful that you don’t end up spending out of emotion instead of logic and planning. The retailers and businesses depend on our emotional spending, this time of the year more than any other, but as far as stress goes, it could be better to just leave the house with a firm list.Don’t give into those merry Christmas tunes piped into the store you’re browsing, and buy just on impulse.
6. Watch That Debt: If you can, leave the credit cards at home completely this holiday season. Debt is lessen vogue now, after the chilly economic recession we’re trudging out of. Adding more debt is going to leave you more financially stressed and may push some into depression or anxiety. Debt will make you stress, and why would you want to have more stress to an already stressful season? Leave that credit card of home, and pay with cash. To take it one step beyond, try shopping this season with just a planned wadful of cash. Decide early how much lump sum to to pull out, and use that strictly for your gift shopping this season.

The men who are firmly centered this holiday season are the men who are mindfully spending. Reckless spending’s not good for anyone, except for the credit card companies and retailers. If you’re in a relationship this holiday season, try to use these tips to help you and your partner stay the same page about how you’re both spending money. This will add to a lot less relationship stress, too. Dealing with holiday money stress can be difficult, when we get swept up in the good times and tidings of the holiday season. Watching your money may help you start the new year in a much less stressful way.

Knowing when is the right time to keep yourself motivated, and when to relax yourself and leave your taskmaster at the door” is an extremely difficult thing to negociate for most men.

Many guys have some form of “taskmaster” that drives them for compels them to do many of the things that they do well in the world: achieve professional success, engage in sports, plan trips, and negotiate with others towards solutions. Unfortunately, many guys don’t know when to allow their taskmaster to take a break, and the effects can be disastrous on relationships and your self-esteem.

Whether we’re in the working world, or at the gym, we are in a mode to get things done. “Accomplish! Complete! Finish it!” That’s when our analytical minds take over, and we’re trying to create performance success for ourselves. This is all well and good. We structure our days to win, and men are all about goal accomplishment. We set a goal, and we meet it (or don’t). We gauge our success, or lack thereof, from this vantage point, whether not we have succeeded or not in certain domains. We judge our professional success this way, and a lot of our personal success.

But, there are two problems to this mindset. The first problem lies in the realm of personal care, specifically our own individual mentality. The dark side to not knowing how to leave our taskmaster at the door, or to relax our need to drive and perform, is that we often times neglect our own personal well-being. A lot of men, like many women, have a very difficult time knowing how to not criticize themselves and push themselves through difficulty, whether that’s emotional pain, life situations, or relationship conflict. This is the self-critic talking, and some people have a very difficult time resting their self-critic, because it’s always on “go” mode.
If we are always operating to please our taskmaster, fear of failure necessarily lurks somewhere in the shadows. A lot of times, we criticize and berate ourselves through our own negative “self critic”. It’s like we have a second inner voice going on in our mental dialogue. The more we listen to that voice of criticism, and do what it says, the more we try to always outperform it through accomplishment and performance. But, it never goes away, unless we face it and deal with it. We get caught in a neverending cycle of accomplishment, and it’s hard to let it rest.

That is the greatest challenge: to understand when to employ your taskmaster, and when to let it rest. Working hard and driving yourself day after day, and not giving yourself a break, is probably a symptom of workaholism for a lot of men. I talked with so many guys that fail on all accounts to take care of themselves, or even know how to begin taking care of themselves. A lot of guys don’t practice stress management, and don’t know how to eat well, get the right sleep, learn how to internally validate themselves, and put down their self-critic.

The other problem to not being able to leave your taskmaster, or driver, at the door, is that it’s one of the most universal ways to undermine your intimate relationship. I hear this from women all the time, that their guy doesn’t listen, and is constantly in “fix it” mode. This “fix-it mode” is exactly what your taskmaster is doing, and it doesn’t work in your most important relationship. It may work at work, but with your wife or girlfriend, it just doesn’t. The problem with our taskmaster is that he doesn’t know how to be present and be available, because he’s usually trying to figure out solutions to a problem or trying to employ control over a situation.

Women want and need this presence, or emotional availability, from their men. If we stay in this “fix-it mode”, it makes it really difficult to connect with our wives and girlfriends. We may not even be aware of this, but if you sense that this might be a problem, talk about it with your significant other. Stay open to some feedback about whether or not you try to fix her problems, or the problems in your marriage or relationship. She’ll tell you point blank whether or not you’re doing this, and whether to stop.

A lot of people have a really difficult time saying no to others in drawing healthy boundaries for themselves. Men struggle with this just as women do. A lot of guys suffer from the “nice guy” syndrome, and often fall into people pleasing behaviors that erode our confidence and self-esteem, and end up getting our power over to other people.

Here’s some things that happen when you can’t draw healthy boundaries for yourself:

1. You end up giving other people power over your decision-making process
2. Anger develops and builds up over time, and usually gets stuffed within us
3. We end up forgetting what it is that we truly want from others, from our lives
4. We end up playing games with other people to get love, attention and affirmation
5. We succumb to the fear that generates our inability to say no to others, and we end up living through fear instead of courage to stand up for ourselves.
6. Our relationships are not as authentic as they could be when we don’t say ‘no’
7. A lot of psychic energy is expended in worrying about what others want from us and designing ways to please them and their needs.
8. We develop a lot of guilt in the process, usually that stays with us and corrodes our well-being and self-esteem.
9. We can succumb to stress, anxiety and depression much more easily when we can’t say no to others.
10. Our lives become contingent on others and on the outside world, instead of contingent on ourselves and what we want from the world.

We devote a lot of energy in the process of pleasing others and not saying ‘no’ to others. It takes a lot of courage to risk doing something different. For most men, unlearning to be the “nice guy” takes a lot of risk and a lot of doing things different. It takes interacting with others in a very different way than what we’ve learned growing up, and development of these tools is essential to taking our selves and our lives back. We have to risk the fear of rejection, which is devastating to the ego, but is ultimately freeing and invigorating. If we can learn to say no to others, and start to say yes to ourselves, we can learn new experience that freedom and not feel dependent on others to give us affection or affirmation, and not reject us, if we don’t say no to others.

For most men, knowing how to deal with our emotions is one of the toughest things we’ve never learned. Growing up, a lot of guys take their cue from their parents’ behavior. Many times, guys grow up modeling how their fathers expressed anger, and either end up stuffing it or exploding. Neither of which really work, and this handbook will give you some other ideas to try in dealing with anger effectively.

1. Talk about your anger in a way that’s productive: too many guys hold in their anger and end up hurting themselves, or withdrawing from other people, including their partners. Learn to find a middle way between stopping your anger, and exploding out from it. It may be scary, but it’s way more worthwhile than not talking about it. Talking about your anger in a productive way will lessen the secondary effects of it down the road.
2. Deal with stress: usually, our inability to handle our stress can lead to anger, or sometimes the reverse. when we’re angry, we often label it “stress.” Often times, if you deal with the stress, you can deal with the anger. Some day-to-day stress is helpful in motivating ourselves, and is to be expected, but usually stress undermines us mentally, physically and emotionally when we haven’t dealt adequately with it. We often end up skipping meals, fail to attend to our daily tasks, forget to take care of ourselves, and don’t get enough sleep. On top of that, many guys do with stress through alcohol consumption, which has a number of negative effects that aggravates stress and anger. If we can learn to deal our own stress, we may help to alleviate some of the angry feelings that we are experiencing as a result.
3. Exploding on others won’t work:  you’ll just end up alienating others from you when you explode in anger. Also, watch criticizing others, using sarcasm to get your point across, laughing at others, and other indirect forms of expressing anger, because these things will have the same effects in distancing other people from you. It’ll push people away, leave people angry with you, and put you in a more troubling situation. If you explode on others at work, it may end up costing you more than you expected. If you continually exploding your intimate relationship, you end up undermining the very person that you care about most.
4. Check-in with yourself and ask yourself this question: what am I meeting that I’m not getting–from this person, from the situation, from myself? It could be that the anger is coming from a delayed need gratification. If we can learn to figure out what it is that we And (sometimes it’s just food, other times it’s a need to be listened to or heard), we can communicate that more clearly to the people that can meet that need, instead of getting angry with them or the situation and pushing them away from us.
5. Get in touch with the physical sensation of anger: usually, if we’re attentive, we can locate the feeling of anger in our bodies. If we allow the feelings to come up inside of ourselves (usually located in our chest/heart area or our stomachs) we can sit with the physical sensation of feeling angry and let it start to pass on its own. We continue to create more suffering the more we feed our anger with our thoughts, so if we can learn to sit with the actual, physical experience of anger, it usually ends up turning into something else, such as pain, sadness, or hurt. It may be more difficult to sit with these new emotions, but you can learn to train yourself to help those feelings pass in a shorter amount of time it you can pay attention to how anger manifests in your body in the present moment.
6. In relationship fighting, preserve yourself: most men need some space when they are fighting with their intimate partner, such as their wife or girlfriend. It’s okay to take some time out and get the space that you need, so long as you communicate with your partner about it. Men need to distance themselves to be able to pick themselves back up, so know that this is okay. The problem comes in when she thinks that you are distancing yourself because you don’t love her, or don’t care, and other problems come from that. Be sure to tell her that you need some space, and that you’ll come back in, say 30 min., to continue talking or working out whatever argument you were talking about. If you find yourself withdrawing or avoiding her totally, this becomes a problem that you might want to seek help for from a counselor.
7. Practice relaxation techniques to help clear your mind and filter your anger: try something new, such as yoga, tai chi, or sitting meditation. There are plenty of good books and CDs out there, and you can even find many of them for free at your local public library. There are plenty of classes out there too, so for all you single guys, sign up for one of these because this is where the women usually frequent. Women like guys who take care of themselves, and you’ll be sure do kill two birds with one stone by taking a yoga class, and working on your stress and anger at the same time.
8. Find an outlet: for some guys, hitting the gym is the perfect anger management technique. Some guys like to box, and other guys like to run it out, but take your own outlet and make it a part of your everyday lifestyle. I know some guys that like to journal, hike in the mountains by themselves, write songs, or even fill water balloons and throw them against a wall, but choose whatever it takes to help purge yourself of the anger, whatever that looks like that works for you.
9. Just be angry: usually this is really hard, because we make up all sorts of stories around being angry. We prevent ourselves from actually feeling angry, because were too preoccupied with the “what is this all mean” thinking. We get afraid of our own anger, and make up stories about how we are (or not) an “angry guy”. Usually the stories that we make up around being angry prevent us from actually being angry. We usually have trouble, because we learned growing up that being angry was not okay, so we stop it, explode, turn into a nice guy that can say no, whatever. The story lines that we make about being angry are not the same as actually being angry, so be aware of what you tell yourself when you get angry.
10. Deal with the shame: for most guys, shame overshadows anger, because for a lot of us growing up, anger was not able to be easily expressed in our childhood. Instead, we suffered shame, and this cripples our ability to deal with anger effectively. When we feel ashamed, we hide, and we turn inwards instead of dealing with our anger outwards. If you can deal with the shame, you may be able to deal with anger, too. Talk about it with someone you trust, like your partner, or seek out professional counseling to help you deal with the shame.

Men universally struggle with the issue of anger, so know that there are plenty of men out there that are having a hard time with their anger, too. Try some of these strategies to help you deal with your anger when it takes hold. Create an effective anger prevention system in your life, and you’ll turnaround the anger that holds you back from optimizing the relationships, work life and peace of mind that you seek.

It’s easy to compare ourselves to others when you’re feeling insecure about our own selves or situations. When we get into comparing ourselves to others, we get into a never-ending cycle of wishing and wanting, and not feeling good enough about our own selves or our own performance.

When we’re feeling low, the natural tendency to start to want to be someone else or have what someone else has is natural. Our minds start to generate a lot of fantasies and wishes to be “the next guy.” we may want what we perceive they have: a nice car, a better marriage, more confidence, or whatever. The reality is, we really just don’t know what they have and what they don’t have, because other men display their social personalities which may be a lot different from what’s actually happening inside of them. When we compare ourselves to them (or what we think is them), we are actually comparing ourselves to our fantasies of what we think they are or what it is that they have. The fact is, we really don’t know, and we end up comparing ourselves to something that might be more of an illusion then reality.

When we get into comparing ourselves with others, it’s more of a reflection about how we are feeling down about ourselves. If we can learn how to deal with ourselves instead of seeking out fulfillment from other people, by striving to be what it is that we think that they are, we can learn to stop the cycle of suffering and striving, and start to deal with our own unhappiness or self image.

This is really hard to do, because we exist in a culture that thrives on comparing ourselves to other people. If we don’t have the right job, where the right close, have the right mate or live a certain lifestyle, we are not as worthy, according to our culture. Consumerism is based on us striving and not being content with what we have, and so we get predisposed at an early age to compare ourselves to others, or even ourselves, about what we need to own, need to be, or need to think. This is a black hole that is never-ending, and it doesn’t produce ultimate satisfaction and positive self-esteem.

Even comparing ourselves to ourselves is a problem. Often times, our inner dialogue is dominated by our self critic, which shames us and blames us for not being good enough, not having enough, and not doing enough. A lot of men struggle with shame as a result, and tend to be depressed, anxious, or generally withdrawal from others as a result of struggling with their inner critic. Comparing ourselves to others is merely a symptom of comparing ourselves to ourselves, and we can start to deal with our self critic or the voice inside of us that negates us and says “we’re not enough,” we can start to take a hard look at that which generates our unhappiness.

Here are some things to think about when comparing ourselves to others, or even ourselves:

• Try to reframe your comparisons to others: question your comparison to others, and consider that your comparison may not be accurate; the reality may be more than meets the eye.
• Try fantasizing about what would happen if you were to actually gain or attain that which are striving to get. What would that look like? instead of spending summers mental energy fantasizing about what you don’t have, what you’re not, and what you’d like to be, actually create a mental projection of how it would be to actually be that way/own that thing/act in that way. What would life be like when you were to be at that point? Would you be happy then?
• Shift the ” locus of evaluation” from outside to inside: instead of comparing yourselves others outside of yourself, try turning the conversation inwards. try to look at the comparisons that you make against yourself, and start to make note of those things. Try writing the comparisons down in a journal, or talking about it with your mate or spouse.
• Usually our comparisons and strivings are a mental game we play with ourselves. If you can sit back, relax, and sink into the felt sense your body, behind the mental comparisons, how does that feel? if you’re struggling with a feeling of “not good enough”, let that sensation, inside of your body, maybe in your heart, shoulders, or stomach. A lot of times, we just don’t tune into what our body is telling us, and instead let our minds drive us on autopilot. We convince ourselves that the mental comparisons are reality, and in fact, they are not.

These are just a couple of things to think about to help you reduce your energy investment in comparison to other people. As long as were caught in this never-ending cycle of comparing ourselves to other people, ourselves, or external situations, we will never be ultimately happy because were going to keep striving and not reach the finish line.

For the average guy, there are struggles to stay self-confident amidst a host of daily problems. It’s challenging to stay confident about our jobs, our friendships, our intimate relationships, and about ourselves, especially with so much insecurity in the world right now. There are many factors that chip away at our foundation, but if we can learn to keep that integrity of our foundation, we can learn how to deal with people and issues without letting them chip away at our self-confidence. Developing good self-confidence comes from the inside, as we’ll talk about.

Culturally, men are expected to be confident at all times. Culture expects that men (and women) have it all together, and display confidence in settings from the workroom to the bedroom.

But the reality to self-confidence is that most people struggle with it. Men struggling with self-confidence is generally not what you see in advertisements or popular culture, and if it is, it’s generally used to exploit men’s struggling self-confidence to buy their product or service. I think about the ads for Just for Men, Viagra or Men’s Health magazine, which try to get men to buy into what they’re selling to increase our experience of being a confident, always in control man. Self-confidence cannot be bought, now matter how much we convince ourselves that money, status and owning have something to do with it.

For many guys, the struggle with feeling okay about themselves is universal. It’s not just women. We struggle to be okay enough for others, for ourselves and for our families of origin. Men do indeed struggle with things like low self-esteem problems and feeling worthy enough for their wives and girlfriends. They worry about being competent enough employees or good enough fathers. These are what real guys worry about every day.

One thing to look out for when increasing self-confidence is the negative self critic. This self critic creates that negative inner dialog we experience in our minds, which feeds off off of self-abusive thinking, is the biggest challenge to increasing our self-confidence. If we can learn to deal with the negative self critic in a more positive way, self-confidence can increase on its own. Too many times, we are so caught up in a cycle of shaming and criticizing ourselves, that we fail to step back and see how we have damaged our self-confidence from the inside.

We also need to deal with the ingrained negative messages that we have around those areas where we feel lack of confidence, whether that’s with women, career, sex, money or any number of things. Dealing with those messages directly, we then take the steam out of them and stop them from running our negative self critic. We create a new type of script for ourselves, and instill self-confidence this way.

Taking calculated risks is another way that you can increase self-confidence. By creating small, attainable goals with some level of risk helps you to gradually move forward to attainment. Goals with some level of risk, whether that means disclosing something personal about yourself to your partner or signing up for a new class or hobby, provide the quickest and most realistic way to experience achievement. Men like to experience completion and success, and this has the net effect of gradually raising one’s self-esteem.

Validating and supporting yourself is a critical element to increasing good self-confidence. Many times men didn’t grow up in an environment that was supportive or validating of their aspirations, or of themselves. A lot of men don’t know how to validate or support themselves, or even know how to receive those things. Learning how to praise yourself, and give yourself kudos is extremely important to  help motivate you to greater success. This sounds like common sense, but too many guys just don’t know how to do it, and need to learn.

One last tip to increasing self-confidence lies in the domain of relationships. Sometimes men are still holding onto certain emotions about a failed relationship, divorce or just relationship problems that they’ve been apart of in the past. Self-confidence gets undermined when we are still holding onto the pain, hurt, shame, self-blame or anger associated with a failed relationship. We enter into new relationships with fear or lack of self-confidence because we’ve been burned before, and don’t want to risk opening up our hearts to trust someone else again. Self-confidence in relationships is about dealing with some of that old hurt in a way that can allow you to function with confidence in the present relationship you’re in.Counseling or therapy can help you work through some of those blocks that are below your radar of awareness.

Ultimately, self-confidence is an inside job. Too often we look to fill ourselves up with self-confidence from outside sources. Although we may need support or esteem from those sources, say from our wife or boss, ultimate self-confidence arises from inside ourselves. If we can learn to deal with the inner turmoil, including the negative messages we’ve learned and our self critic, we can learn to improve self-confidence and deal with those things in our lives that have traditionally eroded our confidence.

As in the 70′s, swinging or having open marriages seems to be gaining some traction again. I talk with a growing number of young couples that have tried to incorporate other couples or sexual partners into their relationship or marriage. Many choose to not deal with some of the underlying and more fundamental problems in their marriage, and some just want to add variety to the mix.

Looking at this through its sociology and economic implications, open marriages and  consensual,extra-marital relationships seem to be a sign of the times. I think that the economic recession has made divorce difficult. Many couples who have been struggling financially find themselves fighting and in more conflict, and in a situation where breaking up or divorce is not a possibility. it’s too expensive to divorce, and it would be too difficult for one partner or the other to make it on their own. High unemployment, job insecurity, and economic instability have led married couples to come up with other creative solutions to their troubles, and their boredom.

Some couples are able to incorporate these extramarital relationships successfully into their own marriage, but such a couple is the rarity. It would take extremely good indication skills, as well as full disclosure and honesty, to be able to maintain a primary intimate relationship while carrying on an outside relationship, or bringing another partner into one’s marriage.

But, for the average couple, swinging or opening up their marriage to outside partnerships usually ends in some kind of misery. I talk with a lot of couples that have tried this arrangement for whatever reason, sometimes to alleviate the boredom, sometimes to add some variety, and sometimes to flat out not deal with the fundamental problems that they have in their marriage. Swinging and open relationships based on these types of things usually ends poorly. Emotions almost always get in the way, and one marital partner usually develops an emotional attachment to one of the extramarital partners. Although it may be sex that’s agreed upon initially, couples don’t always lay out all the ground rules that they need, and one often gets hurt in the mix. In some combination, it’s secrecy,  poor communication, deception, or a sexual imbalance that combined to create problems in the primary marriage, and what started as something exciting and thrilling for the partners ends with more marital hopelessness.

I can’t say across the board that swinging is not for everyone. Each couple is unique, and each marriage is different from the next. What I do know, is that because so many couples have such a difficult time developing good, solid communication skills, and building a foundation of trust in their marriage or relationship, swinging and open partnerships would most certainly undermine those long-term efforts.

If boredom or variety is what a couple is seeking, I think that those things can be alleviated in other ways. Good communication skills go a long way. Opening up a conversation about unmet sexual needs, unmet emotional needs, and ways to improve one’s marriage through variety can most definitely reignite and turn around your marriage or relationship, without needing to risk hurting one partner or the other and eroding the fundamental trust that you’ve already built within your relationship.

Long before cheating or infidelity happens to a marriage, the seeds have been planted. Cheating on a spouse often is the accumulation of negative experiences and discontent, both within one’s relationship or marriage, and within oneself.

Many unhappy partners mentally or emotionally start to check out of their intimate relationships before their cheating behavior starts. As many extramarital relationships start slowly or innocently enough, they are the culmination of a gradual erosion of emotional or sexual commitments to one’s partner. The love or passion starts to wane in a relationship or marriage, and sometimes no one sees it. It just happens over the course of time, and major needs start to go unmet for a partner.

For a lot of guys, be mental, sexual, or emotional withdrawal from their primary relationship is the first sign of problems. Many men that I talk with stopped feeling like they are winning in their relationship or marriage. They stopped feeling loved or validated by their wife or girlfriend, and at one point decided to stop trying. Maybe they feel inferior or not good enough for their wife or girlfriend, and, for a lot of men, no matter how much effort or attention they put into their wives or their marriages, they’re constantly plagued with that sense of “not being good enough.” As long as that “not good enough” experience resides in a partner, there are sure to be marital problems that arise.

Men who fall victim to cheating, or even thinking about cheating, may not be getting some of those needs met in their relationship. Conversely, their wives and girlfriends may be saying the same thing. It may be the wives and girlfriends who stopped receiving affection, caring, love, and support from their husbands and boyfriends, and so they, in turn, stopped giving back. This ‘freeze out’ effect–where both partners have cut off basic needs from the other –  leads to inevitable relationship decline and suffering without the right tools to diagnose and fix what’s ailing the relationship.

Here are some tips to help if you’re considering cheating on your partner:

1. Ask yourself if there are any needs that are going unmet in your relationship or marriage. If yes, how do you deal with not getting your needs met – whether they be sexual, emotional, physical, or the like?
2. Ask yourself: Do I have a habit of withdrawing emotionally from my relationship? Am I thinking of cheating as a way to cope with a difficult situation in my marriage?
3. And ask yourself: What are my reasons for cheating? What do I really need from another partner?
4. One more “ask yourself”: Am I doing it for the sex? What else reasons of my doing it for?
5. Consider your values: is immediate sex or affection from another woman more important to you now then are other things in your life? This is not a good/bad question of judgment, but rather asking you to weigh your values versus your potential behaviors. We tend to see the benefits of the impulsive or short-term decisions and act on them, instead of considering our values through the lens of longer-term decisions.
6. Consider getting individual therapy: you may not want to discuss this very personal issue with your wife or girlfriend. You may not be ready to yet. Talking with a professional counselor who can be a confidential, third-party source for you, maybe an option to help you work through some of the feelings and thoughts of cheating that are keeping you stuck.
7. Try not to put yourself in situations that will attract the potential for cheating. If you’re cruising dating sites, or being overly flirtatious with coworkers, you’re emanating sexual energy in a way that’s bringing that on yourself. If you have leaky sexual energy, get help for that before that leaky sexual energy turns into behaviors that you might regret.