The qualities that make us the men that we are are largely attributable to the relationships that we have with our fathers. We take on mannerisms, traits, quirks, behaviors and emotions. Our intimate relationships, in many ways, are also results of our relationships with our fathers.

Too many men have difficulties being the fathers that they should be to their sons. Many times, they never got the right role modeling from their parents. Without the right tools, or no tools at all, problems get created. Men go on to have imperfect relationships, and don’t know how to be effective intimate partners to their wives and girlfriends.

First, men learn from their fathers how to be emotionally withdrawn from their women. They learn from the environment they grew up in at home, over time, to shut down, stay in their heads and generally not be present to their feelings. This is the nucleus of the problem. Men have learned a lot of negative coping skills to gets their needs and feelings met, and sometimes that comes out as anger, rage, substance abuse, violence, criticizing or judging, or just avoiding and withdrawing altogether from their women.

Second, as children we model behavioral patterns from our parents. As boys, we model the ways of being in a relationship from our fathers (and mothers). Many times, our fathers never got it right, so we simply take from them what we see, because unconsciously, if we do what they did, we just might get our needs met after all.

This is child’s logic, and somewhere down the road, we fail to drop those tools when they don’t work for us anymore. As kids, they might have had some basic effectiveness, but now they just don’t work anymore.

The key is to understand and deal with these negative behavioral patterns, and the emotions that we avoid buried underneath. In seeing these, often for the first time, and experiencing them in the present moment unconditionally, they begin to transform themselves and set us free from the patterns that keep us stuck in conflict and unsatisfying relationships.

We can work towards freedom from these problems if we can first see them. Our fathers might not have been able to do it for themselves, but we can for ourselves. We can change those relationships by digging deeper, so we don’t have to create those same relationships for ourselves, and so the problems don’t get handed down the generations again.

There are plenty women in the world. Lots of other women. For a lot of committed guys, this is quite a struggle. Men want their committed relationships, yet their minds, or their behaviors, stray to seek out other people. Some guys troll around online on dating websites, or cheating websites for that matter. Some guys get massages with “happy endings” and justify that as “not cheating”, and other guys carry on full-fledged affairs with one or more women outside of their marriage. Cheating is definitely a spectrum of behaviors, and it can mean different things to different people.

For some guys, who starts to look outside of their relationship or marriage for female gratification, it’s a slippery slope from looking and fantasizing about other women to actually engaging with them and carrying on relationships. I talk with a lot of guys who absolutely thought “I never in a million years thought I’d be doing this.” A lot of guys who are not feeling like they’re getting their needs met in their current relationship, year after year, finally start to seek out gratifying their needs outside of the relationship, when they feel that it got too bad. Others start cheating from the get go.

Learning to deal with other women in the world is a reality. We are certainly sexual beings by nature, and there are plenty of outlets in our everyday lives. But, we are so much more than primitive beings. A lot of what drives us towards seeking out the comforts of other women is not just sex. Again, for many guys, it’s the feeling of not being appreciated or affirmed by their wives or their girlfriends, and they are unconsciously driven towards seeking out those things from other women. For the great majority of men that I speak with, especially the ones that aren’t tuned into their own emotions, it can be hard to verbalize the negative feelings or reasons that drive them into the arms of other women while they’re in a relationship or marriage. Their partners never know because these men don’t know what they need. We are driven just as much emotionally as we are physically, believe it or not.

Other women also serve as ego boosters. They can help you feel good about yourself when you were not feeling good about your own self. They can also help men create these fantasy worlds, kind of surrogate worlds that man can enter when they want to, and then leave when they want to. This “fantasy world” contrasts with the stark reality or unhappiness at home or in their current relationship. It’s easy to not deal with the problems at home when you can immerse yourself in a fantasy world, where you have another woman validating you, stroking your ego, and making you feel affirmed, special, and sexually satisfied. It’s hard to not be in touch with the reality, especially when you’re creating good cover for your indiscretions.

Really getting in touch with your values, and seeing how your behaviors are aligned with, or maligned with, your value system is one way to start to choose the kinds of behaviors that you really want to be engaging in. If seeking out other women is not aligned with your value system, and nurturing your marriage and your family are, you can see how the behaviors are then maligned with your value system. The more you can align your behaviors with your chosen values, the more in harmony you can live, and a greater amount of happiness you can experience. The behaviors may have short term gratification, but don’t meet the long-term needs, which are more aligned with one’s values.

Again, understanding the reasons that drive you to seek out simulation or affirmation from other women is totally important. For a lot of guys who don’t know what drives them, learning to understand the reasons and the mechanisms that drive them to meet other women are very important. Do you want to seek out sex solely? Do you want your ego to be stroked? Do you need affection, attention, or appreciation from another woman? Do you feel inferior with women, and are trying to attract the attention of women to compensate? Do you want to have your cake and eat it too?

Basically, learning to get in touch with these things is going to help sharpen your attention and start to help you clarify those things that are most important to you. For many guys, seeking out the simulation and satisfaction from other women is more of a way out, or a fantasy world, or a way to get their needs met somewhere else. Many times, it’s not quite how one could go about getting their needs met directly, and learning to appropriately communicate those things will make you a stronger man.

Anger is an emotion that, if left unchecked, can greatly undermined or ruin the closest relationships that you have. It can also have the power to motivate and transform us into a positive force. Unfortunately, a lot of guys react out of unconscious anger, and often end up falling into the destructive kind of anger.

Rage and physical violence also stem from uncheck anger. For some guys that have grown up in an abusive household for seeing one of their parents react out in physical violence, it can seem almost common to explode in reactive anger. Hitting things or people, putting your fist through the wall, or generally blowing up without getting physical are all ways that anger can feel out of control in those moments where it takes over.

Here are six tools to start with to learn to deal with anger more effectively. If you start using it on a regular basis, you’ll be able to control your anger and stop alienating those closest to you.

1. Stop anger from turning into something verbal or physical.

Saying something that you regret, or putting your fist through a wall, may alleviate some of the angry pressure immediately, but it may have longer-term effects. It teaches you to depressurize yourself through releasing anger, not working through it for a better resolution. Learning to differentiate your anger from the reactive behaviors that result from it is really important. Reacting on the anger, or doing or saying something you’ll regret, is pretty common for men, but trying to develop your awareness not not act on it takes more courage and strength.

2. Use your anger instead of turning away from it.

Especially in intimate relationships, communicating your anger tells your partner that you are fully invested. According to recent study in the Journal of Family Psychology, women tend want to engage with men around conflicts. They want to see men’s ability to communicate their feelings, even if those feelings are negative, which means to women that their partner is invested in the relationship. Women want to see men engaged in the conflict, or at least available, and when men withdraw or avoid their anger, it can be more damaging to the relationship than one would think. Men want women to be happy, and to do that means to engage more around the conflict. IT may be tough, but it will stave off more conflict to come.

3. Don’t identify or label yourself as “the angry guy” if you’re angry. 

Identifying ourselves as “the angry guy” is not beneficial. If we’re angry, were angry. Don’t make a big deal about it, and let yourself be angry. It doesn’t mean anything about you as a person if you get angry. Challenge beliefs that have been indoctrinated into you from growing up, and challenge some of the ideas about getting mad. A lot of us men have dysfunctional messages about what it means to be angry, because anger was not acceptable to express in a lot of our early childhood experiences. So, getting mad is not the same as being an angry guy. One is the feeling; the other is an identity label. Don’t confuse the two, or it’ll be made worse.

4. Find more constructive ways to deal with your anger.

Try journaling, or hitting the gym, or learning to develop your communication skills so that you can get better at learning to speak your anger. Learn to work on identifying those points in time where you do get frustrated or angry, and resolve to make it a habit to do something different instead of unconsciously reacting. Practice deep breathing, or mindfulness meditation, or get better at controlling your stress in the other parts of your life. Treat your anger with understanding, kindness and inquiry.

 5.  “Own” your anger.

A lot of guys ask me what this means when I say this, and owning your anger is the same as taking responsibility for it. When we’re angry, we get into this habit of blaming our anger on other people for their behaviors that caused it. We fixate on the ways that people have upset us, as the reason, as opposed to learning to identify our own anger as a result of someone’s actions. There’s a difference. Learning to take responsibility or “own” our anger is learning to be responsible for our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. It’s also going to stop blaming other people for our anger, or victimizing ourselves because we think we’ve been wronged.

6. What’s underneath your anger?

Because anger is empowering, and intoxicating, it also helps men feel in control. That’s why a lot of times when men and women engage in conflict, anger is the place that men feel more comfortable in, because it’s empowering. The fact of the matter is, most of the more essential emotions lie right underneath our anger. If we can learn to tap in to those underground emotions, and learn to identify them, we can start to open up the conversation and transform it, and not just limit it to just our display of anger. Women want to hear from our emotional hearts, and often get put off or intimidated by just seeing or hearing or anger over and over again. Learn to dig a little bit, and you might discover hurt, fear, shame, or some other less “powerful” or less “masculine” emotion. it maybe difficult to feel, but it’s a little more authentic than is just our anger on its own.

Consider the six steps before you get reactive and angry in your next conflict. There are ways through just getting angry and exploding. Anger is a very neutral force, and if you can learn to become more aware of it and make it conscious, you can start to use it for the good instead of falling victim to it’s consequences.

When I talk with couples, what I hear sometimes is “Well, we’re fine – we don’t fight.” Or, “there’s nothing really wrong with our relationship. We never argue.” Or,  for the couples that knows something’s wrong, I may hear “we just never talk about.”

There may be a problem with “not fighting” or “never arguing” in your relationship or marriage. For a lot of couples, when there’s problems in the relationship, too often one or both partners fall into a withdrawal pattern, and push aside the issues that they’re having with the other. This creates deeper problems, as constant problem avoidance festers and grow over time.

Men’s Avoidance and Emotional Withdrawal

Men can be notoriously consistent in relationship struggles by withdrawing emotionally from their partners and “checking out.” We come to know the “man cave” metaphor in popular culture, but do we realize that men hide when there are problems or difficulties in their marriage? I hear men taking about not wanting to get into a fight, not wanting to upset their wife, girlfriend or partner, or feeling afraid of their own anger. They may be too ashamed to talk with their partners, and hold or stuff the problems they’re having. This can be a slippery slope to other problems.

The Effects on Your Partner

The partners of the emotional withdrawers often complain that they “can’t access” their partners, or talk about feeling unloved or disconnected from their guy when he’s emotionally withdrawn. This creates other problems. The partner who has such a difficult time accessing their withdrawn partner will react in their own way, creating problems on top of problems. A vicious, negative cycle thus ensues, and the withdrawn partner continues to distance himself.

How to Help Yourself

Consider that the storyline you’ve been telling yourself about your relationship might be flawed. Every couple gets into a reactive cycle, so it’s important to come to understand your own. How do you contribute to it? Do you withdraw and avoid conflict? Do you end up pursuing a hard to reach partner in the distance? Considering that by “not fighting”, you still may be locked in a struggle, albeit a silent one.

There nothing wrong with wanting to feel affirmed or validated by your significant other, but when we aren’t forthright with our needs, problems become greater. Men need to feel affirmed just as women do, yet most men I talk with have such a difficult time asking for it. Why?

Making Assumptions

A typical guy might just assume that his partner can affirm, validate or praise him, yet without asking for those things, you risk your partner never knowing what your needs are. When you make assumptions about what your partner should do, it’s likely they’ll fail them. When you’re not clear about what you need, especially in the realm of validation and affirmation, problems then do come up, but they don’t need to.

Questions to Ask Yourself:

• Do I feel affirmed by my relationship partner? By my boss? By my friends or family?
• Do I need more from one particular person, e.g. my significant other? What would that look like?
• When I don’t feel affirmed, I feel ___________________.
• When I feel affirmed, I feel ____________________.

Too Proud to Beg

Pride gets in the way of men asking for validation or affirmation from their partner. A lot of guys think they’ll lose their edge, or be seen as not manly or weak. Those things are simply not true. Your spouse wants you to come to them with your needs, because when you don’t, you may disconnect and hide, worsening the problems that are already there. Being too proud gets in the way of getting your needs met, and connecting more deeply with your significant other, so can you push pride aside to meet the greater needs? I think you might be pleasantly surprised if you did.

Exercise:

• Scribble down one area of your life where you’d like to receive more praise/affirmation/validation from someone close to you. Write down the feelings that come as a result of that need not being met, and also write down what you do when it’s not met (e.g. reaction/behavior). Set up a time with the person to have a conversation with them about your findings.

How Men Hide

I think any conversation about how to get needs met for men also has to include how men hide and disconnect. Guys go to the “safe zone” and hide, and many often haven’t come to terms with what they’re needing or how to communicate it. This can be dangerous, because bad things can come from hiding. For example, the number one reason men cheat is because they don’t feel validated or affirmed by their relationship partner. Men withdraw emotionally, or go the reverse route, by eventually exploding or blowing up. (or a combination of both). Neither way really works, either in the short term or long term. But, out of fear, hiding their anger, or not wanting to be rejected, men pull away emotionally and hide their needs and feelings from their partners.

Learning to get your needs met by communicating your need for affirmation or validation is critical. You’ll feel happier, have more satisfying relationships and learn to meet your needs when they come up.

The end of the year is a great time to step back from the whirlwind of work, home and life expectations, and take a keen look at how the year went.

What I like to do at the end of the year is sit down and reflect on 7 life domains, gauging what worked, and what needed improvement, in each area. I do this in December, and take an hour or so to type out my answers.

From year to year, I look back and find a record of my life from year to year, and see where I’ve challenged myself. It’s interesting to have a complete picture after several years of doing this.

Here are the life domains I traditionally use for self-assesment from year to year:

1. Relationships with Others
2. Relationship with Self
3. Money
4. Mental Health
5. Health + Wellness
6. Spirit
7. Hobbies and Interests

I find that I’m able to have an honest conversation with myself to see where I shined, and where I could have spent more time and energy focusing, as to improve on those things next year.

I invite you to try this exercise out. As to accurately gauge your level of progress, it might be helpful to get some feedback from those close to you, especially when it comes to the “Relationships with Others” section. Sometimes, we’re not able to fully appreciate how our relationships with others go, unless we know how they feel about them as well.

Personal Values and Happiness

What this self-assessment is designed to do is to close the gap between what we’re actually doing in our day-today lives, and where we want to be (our values). The more closely we can live our values, the more in synch we our with our life, and the happier we can report our lives to be.

Happiness is more than just a function of how well we’re living our values, of course, but it helps gets us there.Each person is different; therefore, each set of values is going to be completely unique from the next person.

Take an hour out one weekend morning in December, grab a cup of coffee, and write or type out your responses. Put some thought into your responses, and be honest to yourself.

Here are some possible suggestions to think about when you start your self-assessment, based on each category:

1. Relationships with Others

• Which relationships have you felt successful at this past year? Why?
• Which relationships do you think could use more of your attention and energy?
• Pick two people close to you. In what ways would they characterize your relationship with them, both good and bad?
• If you could choose, which is one relationship you would like to see improve? What is one thing that you could do in the next year, on a ongoing basis, to reinvest in that relationship?
• Do you have unfinished business with someone or more than one person? What would it take to help bring some closure to you? A phone conversation? An apology?

2. Relationship with Self

• How would you rate the relationship with yourself over the past year?
• In what ways do you find yourself critical of yourself, or not feeling good enough or inferior? Explain.
• How can you choose one way to help yourself feel better about yourself? Elaborate.
• How do you deal with your needs that go unmet? Do you get angry? Or do you withdraw? How can you make a commitment in 2012 to change that behavioral pattern and communicate your needs?
• Do you know what your needs are? Many guys don’t. Take 5 minutes and look at what you really need from others, and learn to make clear for yourself those needs.

3. Money

• What were some successes and areas of improvement in terms of your financial situation this year?
• Where did you feel most comfortable with money this year? Most uncomfortable? Explain.
• Were your successful in your money goals? Did you meet certain milestones for income, savings, retirement savings?
• How did you discuss money this year with your partner? What could change for you around the conversations you have with your significant other?
• What problems did money bring you this year?
• What would you like to change about your relationship with money in 2012?

4. Mental Health

• Overall, how would you rate your level of mental health from 1-10 in the past year (“1” being most unhappy; “10” being extremely happy)? What would need to change in the new year for that number to rise?
• What three things did you do this year to contribute to your positive mental health? Exercise? Be with friends? Converse?
• What two things consistently trigger a negative mood or negative emotions in you from others?
• What can you identify to work on in 2012 to contribute to a better overall mental health, including diet, relationships, lifestyle, exercise, counseling, hobbies, time with family, friends, etc.

5. Health + Wellness

• Overall, how would you rate your level of physical health from 1-10 in the past year (“1” being unhealthy; “10” being very healthy)? What would need to change in the new year for that number to rise?
• What stopped you from taking control of your health this year?
• List two excuses that prevented your activity towards greater health.
• What would 2012’s physical health outlook be like, as different from this year’s?
• What successes can you celebrate around your health and well being?
• What limited you physically (e.g. injury, illness, disease) from achieving your physical and health goals?

6. Spirit

• Did you engage in things to fill your spirit in the last year? What were they?
• How many opportunities did you “commune with nature” in 2011? What were those experiences like?
• Is spiritual engagement important to you? Why?
• What got in your way of filling your spiritual self?
• How can you make time for regular spiritual engagement in the new year (if this is important to you; e.g. yoga, meditation, chi gung, church, spiritual reading, nature, etc.)

7. Hobbies and Interests

• What did you do in 2011 for fun that brought you happiness and a sense of fulfillment?
• What have you been putting off that you’d like to engage in during the new year? Learning a new language? Playing guitar? Urban farming?
• What prevented you from engaging in your hobby this year – time? money? laziness?

These questions are intended to stoke the mental fires a bit, so please, come up with your own questions and ideas for your self-assessment. This is just for you, and honesty and self-disclosure will help you most here. Good luck, and I hope this exercise can help you change what’s not working in your life in 2012.

Making a decision is hard enough. Having the wrench of guilt thrown into your machinery while you’re making a decision is even worse. Many times, were not even aware of the guilt that we carry, and it operates beneath our consciousness and controls our thoughts, feelings and decision-making skills. When we indulge in our guilt, we are generally not making the right decisions for us, or what’s in our best interest as individuals.

When we try to adhere to other people’s desires of us, whether it’s family, friends, or our significant other, we sometimes get lost in trying to both please them and ourselves. The friction that’s created is where guilt lies. Guilt is more about “should” or “have to,” rather than “wanting to.”

Guilt is corrosive. When we let it fester, it eats us up inside. It stops our better judgment of how best to live our own lives. I think guilt is more related to people pleasing, and when we: the people pleasing, we lose our own voice.

What we call ‘guilt’ is usually representative of a blade within us, between pleasing some outside person or entity and ourselves. The more we can learn to tune into what we really want, the more will find happiness, contentment and confidence. We’re certainly not going to find those things if we endlessly tried to attend to or appease others, or try to do their agenda. Ultimately, will fail, and fall victim to addictive people pleasing.

Ask yourself: “what is it that I really want, if I can cut away trying to always please others?”. if you didn’t have to deal with guilt, what would your certain outcome or decision actually be? Would it looked different than how you’re used to doing it? Are you prepared for that outcome?

If we actually take the risk of listening to ourselves and what we truly want, and not others, what are the risks? usually, there is fear or panic about letting others down, or doing the opposite of what others want from us. When we grow up, we often develop guilt from interacting with our parents. They usually have a certain agenda for us, and we usually just learned to absorb it. As kids, we never really considered doing things our own way, or if we did, it was usually in a defiant or flippant way.

I think the first way to successfully deal with guilt is to start to recognize what it is that you actually want. What would your relationship look like if you really wanted it to be free of guilt? Would your friendships change? would you end up dropping friends who you didn’t feel guilty around?

On the other end, sometimes guilt is flared up by others manipulative tendencies. Manipulation and guilt are bedfellows. Where there is manipulation, there’s often guilt. if you’re feeling manipulated by someone close, it’s important to start to understand that dynamic in your relationship, and start to address it head-on. If you allow yourself to be manipulated, the end product will probably be guilt. And guilt is extremely corrosive to the soul.

New! Affordable Counseling Services in Phoenix – Starting Today! Now only $60 a session!

If you’ve been putting off counseling, and expenses have been an issue these days, we’ve got just the deal for you. And it’s gotten a little better.

Phoenix Men’s Counseling expands it’s service menu to include affordably priced counseling for individuals and couples.

Counseling services will be offered by Trent Leupp, a counseling student intern from Argosy University in Phoenix, under the direct supervision of a licensed professional counselor – yours truly. Sessions are now priced at $60 for a 50-minute counseling session with Trent.

Appointments are currently being set up, and there are a limited amount of bookings available.

New to counseling? Been hesitant to give it a try? This is your opportunity to start to make a real investment in your well-being and your relationships.

Contact Jason at 602.309.0568, or visit us at www.phoenixmenscounseling.com to book an online appointment.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what is takes to be a good man. I think there are plenty of answers out there: from media and culture, to our own preconceptions of what it means to be a man. But what if we truly listened to ourselves and came up with our own answers?

I’ve decided to put together a men’s self-assessment, and included five areas of life that I think are key to developing oneself as a man. Take a couples of minutes out on a break to consider your answers to these life areas.

• Living Your Values
• Do you live by what you believe in? How so?
• Is there a difference between what you believe in and how you practice your life? If yes,
• Being Genuine/Authentic
• Are you truly open and honest about your thoughts, feelings and behaviors to those close to you? If not, how do you prevent or inhibit yourself?
• Are you generally being true with yourself? If not, how are you untrue to yourself?
• Taking Responsibility
• Do you find yourself playing the ‘victim’ to others, or life in general? How?
• Is it hard to “own” your stuff, even if it’s negative, paints you in a negative light, or tarnishes your facade? Why?
• Practicing Self-Respect
• Do you practice regular self care, such as exercise, good nutrition, stress management? If not, what gets in your way?
• Can you keep healthy boundaries with others (i.e. be firm with others by saying ‘no’, not compromising your values, etc.). If not, how are you flexible on your boundaries with others?
• Do you criticize or judge yourself too harshly? What do you get out of this, if you do?
• Navigating Life Balance
• How does your life tip out of balance? What are your “traps” to fall out of balance (i.e. work, kids, etc.)
• Would others in your life consider you to be balanced in your life? What would they say?
• What is one area of your life that begs for your attention, in needing more balance? What is one thing you can do to feed that unattended part of your life?

What answers did you come up with? Were you surprised by any of your answers? It’s hard to take an honest look at ourselves, when life commands our attention, or when our perception of ourselves is filtered through other people.

If you came up with more questions, let those be the starting point to develop your next answers. How can you develop an action plan to be able to improve some of these life areas for yourself? Will it take time, money, energy, other people – what resources will you need to seek out to help you in developing these things?

Taking an honest look at ourselves takes some courage, especially if we’re not in the habit of doing so. Try to make small but incremental changes in developing your awareness. You can’t change what you’re not aware of, so stay open and get others feedback if you choose. All the luck and support to you.

Intimacy is a tricky subject for many guys. When we think of intimacy, sexual intimacy usually comes to mind. But the intimacy that your wife, girlfriend or partner may need in your relationship is quite different.

To be intimate – for many women – means being able to connect with them through your emotions. Where men stumble is thinking that to be intimate means doing, showing or providing for their partners. For guys, a common misperception is that taking care of their wives or girlfriends though buying them things or providing for them materially is how we care for them. It’s baffling to think that our wives and girlfriends are unhappy with us when we keep trying to get it right with them, and end up feeling like we’ve failed.

Emotional connection for men is difficult, but you get further away from the emotional connection when you convince yourself that you’re doing what you can to try to care for your partner by doing things (e.g. fixing things around the house, planning events or vacations or simply being the great breadwinner that you are). What I hear from frustrated women is that, ultimately, they want to feel close and connected to their partner in an emotional way, and guys can’t get to this place by better planning, fixing or breadwinning.

• Stop trying to fix your way through intimacy. It probably won’t work
• Try to stay open to listening to your wife, girlfriend or partner without being defensive
• Stay open to feedback and constructive criticism
• Know that you are indeed successful as a boyfriend, husband, father, breadwinner, etc., and that you’re not a failure at intimacy, but it may require changing your perspective
• Try talking with your partner about your feelings or emotions: try to stay vulnerable with your partner, even if it means not doing anything at all – simply listening and being present in a conversation.
• Ask for validation from your partner for the things you’re doing well, such as being supportive and caring to her, being a good provider, etc.
• Ask for it verbally from her, instead of assuming she should just know to give it to you.

When they don’t feel intimate emotionally with you, women may withdraw sexually or physically from you. They may chase and pursue you – even resorting to criticizing you and invalidating you – but their longing to connect emotionally with you is what’s driving that reactive behavior. Your sex life may be problematic is there’s an emotional disconnection or intimacy problem between you.

Talking about problems that are present within the relationship is another good way to reset with your partner and develop better emotional intimacy, and, consequently, better sexual intimacy. Too often, the problems and issues that we have in our relationships get hidden away and relegated to the sidelines through avoidance, fear, compartmentalization and avoidance, especially for men. Try something new: open up to your partner about the problems you’re having with them. If you take the risk, and communicate it from your own experience (“I” statements”) instead of attack or criticize them, you may be surprised with the results. You may find a better, more intimate relationship waiting for you in the end.