“Does frequenting strip clubs count as cheating?”

“What if I communicate with ex-girlfriends on Facebook, and not tell my wife?”

“ I didn’t think getting a happy ending in my massage was all that big of a deal, so I didn’t tell her.”

Especially with the introduction of online communication and social media, cheating and infidelity have new modes of transmission in recent years. And for some men, the line that constitutes cheating has becomes blurry, and for women, presents even more reason to worry.

So what counts as what? Does communicating with other women, especially those you’re interested in, over social media counts as cheating, when you’re in a relationship? Does ogling and flirting with other women at the restaurant while you’re enjoying a meal with your girlfriend count? the answer might lie in how well you can develop empathy for the one that you’re dating.

How well you can put yourself in her shoes to answer these types of questions may clarify some of them for you. Also, identifying your true intentions and values will go a long way: how much do you value your current dating partner and the idea of an intimate, monogamous relationship with her? How do your behaviors reflect that commitment to her?

To indulge in these behaviors, sometimes guys compartmentalize and deny. Our minds have a way to compartmentalize those unacceptable behaviors, and push them away. For example, if you started up an online conversation with someone of the opposite sex, it’s easy to legitimize that as a simple online chat, or as a nonthreatening interaction. We use denial as a way to stave off the reality of the effects that it might be having on our life, our relationship or on our significant other.

The hurt, distrust and confusion that cheating, or cheating-like behaviors, cause wives and girlfriends is underestimated by a lot of men. Men don’t think about those effects on their women, and have a hard time developing true empathy for what their wives or girlfriends must be going through. One female psychologist that I spoke with asked, “How would you feel if your wife was talking to her old college boyfriend on Facebook?”

Men do have sex on the brain quite a bit of time, but acting on those impulses or thoughts is certainly another matter. Behaviors are different from thoughts, and while normal sexual fantasy is left to the minds pleasure, acting on those can cause your relationship a lot of damage. The behaviors are different from the impulses, and this is an important thing to think about when looking at cheating.

The difference is that the behaviors are usually an expression of some crack in the marriage for the relationship. As studies have shown, sex is a factor in cheating and infidelity, but it’s the lack of intimacy, communication, and appreciation and affection that men miss most. When guys aren’t getting this in their current relationship, they are more prone to activate those cheating impulses and turn them into behaviors.

A lot of this boils down to how well you and your partner are communicating. Are you comfortable sharing sexual fantasies with each other, or telling her about non-sexual run-ins that you have had with former partners or lovers? How well do you trust each other to talk about these things before they turn into big problems? If the trust and the communication aren’t there, it may be more likely that cheating behaviors will happen.

Thinking about this topic, I know we’re heading into murky territory, but I’ve been talking with a ton of guys this season where that big question has come up. I think it’s something about the holiday season that makes us look back on our past year and assess both the good and the bad. Do we look back in happiness and success, or do we look back in regret?

The holidays seem to drudge that question up for a lot of people, because I think a lot of otherwise unhappy people want to be able to make a change for themselves with the new year. Relationships are no different. Many people who are unhappy or unsettled in their current relationships start to ask themselves this question around this time of the year, and start to ask themselves if they need to make a change.
This is one of the most difficult questions to ask -  “do I stay or do I go in my relationship or marriage?” This article is not going to answer that question for you, but it’s been a bring up some points for you to think about.

There are some things that make answering that question easier, such as direct physical abuse, a partner who is mired in substance use, or other immediate response needs. I think those types of things need into serious inquiry into the “do I stay or do I go” question.

But, for a lot of men, they ask this question of themselves out of sheer reactivity and hopelessness. Many kind of choose to stay stuck between a rock and a hard place, and never seek out the help that they need, such as couples counseling. For some, it’s more comfortable. For others, it’s just denial.

A lot of times, the question “do I stay?” really means “ can I continue to deal with the problems that I am experiencing currently?” We often end up blaming our partners and creating a certain storyline about them and our relationship, and how it’s going to hell. If we get stuck in those types of thoughts, we’re toast. A lot of relationships and marriages that can be worked on, aren’t.

For men, it’s a little harder to take a look at the things that we are doing to our partners, and to take responsibility for the negative things that we do to them. I think the “do I stay?” question reflects a little bit of this, as well as “can I continue to deal with the negative emotions that come up inside me?” Sometimes, enough suffering drives people out of their comfort zone, where the pain of a bad relationship had become more than they can sit on.

For the guys who are emotionally avoidant already, the next logical question to start asking is “do I go?”. For men who avoid their emotions, and often avoid conflict situations in general, the desire to end a relationship or marriage is logical. It’s just easier to do it that way, and to start over from scratch. Problems are too difficult to work on in this relationship, you might tell yourself. She’s not open to a change, you might tell yourself as well. Or, this is just too much work, and I’m not up to the task, you might end with telling yourself.

I think the biggest question you need to consider is are you asking yourself if you want to flee the relationship based out of reactivity and emotion, or is this a rational, well-thought-out plan? For a lot of men, it’s acting out of reactivity and impulsivity, and that might work briefly in the short term, but not in long-term. We are bound to have to deal with this dynamic again, whether we get back together with our partner, or develop a new relationship with someone else. It’ll still be there.

And then, there is the “I should stay for the children” dilemma. I see a lot of couples wanting to hang in there, despite really difficult problems, for the sake of the kids. Some drudge through miserable marriages because they don’t want to expose their children to break up or divorce. Many times, it’s these guys who were those children in the past, and don’t want to do to their family what it is their parents did to them.

Really making a commitment to hang in there and work on the relationship issues, especially if you feel strongly about your partner, is really the first step. Identifying whether you’re wanting to end the relationship out of the emotion, or whether this is a well-thought-out plan, is one question that you could consider.

A lot of times, even the most hopeless situations can improve with some emotional connection, but it can be difficult for men to both connect to their feelings and to be able to listen to some of their partner’s issues with them and not want to fix those issues (which women often don’t respond well to, but do when you’re present and listening).

Is your relationship or marriage worth saving? Do you feel strongly enough about it, and about her, to start to do the heavy lifting to get your relationship back on track? Some guys do; others don’t. I’m not going to lie to you: it does take some work. But, your relationship is worth it, isn’t it?

Knowing when is the right time to keep yourself motivated, and when to relax yourself and leave your taskmaster at the door” is an extremely difficult thing to negociate for most men.

Many guys have some form of “taskmaster” that drives them for compels them to do many of the things that they do well in the world: achieve professional success, engage in sports, plan trips, and negotiate with others towards solutions. Unfortunately, many guys don’t know when to allow their taskmaster to take a break, and the effects can be disastrous on relationships and your self-esteem.

Whether we’re in the working world, or at the gym, we are in a mode to get things done. “Accomplish! Complete! Finish it!” That’s when our analytical minds take over, and we’re trying to create performance success for ourselves. This is all well and good. We structure our days to win, and men are all about goal accomplishment. We set a goal, and we meet it (or don’t). We gauge our success, or lack thereof, from this vantage point, whether not we have succeeded or not in certain domains. We judge our professional success this way, and a lot of our personal success.

But, there are two problems to this mindset. The first problem lies in the realm of personal care, specifically our own individual mentality. The dark side to not knowing how to leave our taskmaster at the door, or to relax our need to drive and perform, is that we often times neglect our own personal well-being. A lot of men, like many women, have a very difficult time knowing how to not criticize themselves and push themselves through difficulty, whether that’s emotional pain, life situations, or relationship conflict. This is the self-critic talking, and some people have a very difficult time resting their self-critic, because it’s always on “go” mode.
If we are always operating to please our taskmaster, fear of failure necessarily lurks somewhere in the shadows. A lot of times, we criticize and berate ourselves through our own negative “self critic”. It’s like we have a second inner voice going on in our mental dialogue. The more we listen to that voice of criticism, and do what it says, the more we try to always outperform it through accomplishment and performance. But, it never goes away, unless we face it and deal with it. We get caught in a neverending cycle of accomplishment, and it’s hard to let it rest.

That is the greatest challenge: to understand when to employ your taskmaster, and when to let it rest. Working hard and driving yourself day after day, and not giving yourself a break, is probably a symptom of workaholism for a lot of men. I talked with so many guys that fail on all accounts to take care of themselves, or even know how to begin taking care of themselves. A lot of guys don’t practice stress management, and don’t know how to eat well, get the right sleep, learn how to internally validate themselves, and put down their self-critic.

The other problem to not being able to leave your taskmaster, or driver, at the door, is that it’s one of the most universal ways to undermine your intimate relationship. I hear this from women all the time, that their guy doesn’t listen, and is constantly in “fix it” mode. This “fix-it mode” is exactly what your taskmaster is doing, and it doesn’t work in your most important relationship. It may work at work, but with your wife or girlfriend, it just doesn’t. The problem with our taskmaster is that he doesn’t know how to be present and be available, because he’s usually trying to figure out solutions to a problem or trying to employ control over a situation.

Women want and need this presence, or emotional availability, from their men. If we stay in this “fix-it mode”, it makes it really difficult to connect with our wives and girlfriends. We may not even be aware of this, but if you sense that this might be a problem, talk about it with your significant other. Stay open to some feedback about whether or not you try to fix her problems, or the problems in your marriage or relationship. She’ll tell you point blank whether or not you’re doing this, and whether to stop.

The holidays are usually defined as a time of family get-togethers, good food and drink, and relaxation, but for a lot of

Americans, the holidays are truly difficult in a number of ways.

Going into debt, dealing with family conflict, high stress, travel and marital discord, as well as depression and anxiety, characterize the experience of a lot of men these days. With a little planning and preparation, you can usher in the holiday season with minimal conflict, if you’re willing to consider these things:

1. Know your limits: Whether that’s how much money you’re going to spend, how much time you can actually stay any one family member’s home, or how much alcohol you can consume, it’s important know your limits. If you’re not doing things in moderation, you might be burning the candle at both ends. The holidays are a time off from everything that’s stressful, and if you’re creating more stress, you’re not really enjoying the holidays and relaxing. Know your limits, be able to say ‘no’ to others, and to yourself. Practice moderation, and knowing what’s good for you.
2. Watch for holiday mental health hazards: This is a memorable season, and for some, those memories are more haunting than festive. This is a time that we can reflect back on our year, for better for worse. If you’ve experienced a difficult year, whether that be a job loss, death of someone close to you, or general unhappiness or loneliness, the holidays have a way of amplifying those problems to make them seem worse.
   • If you succumb to depression or anxiety, the holidays have a way of bringing those out, too. Depression and anxiety peak around the holidays, so monitor yourself to make sure you don’t fall into these traps. Seek out help or support if you can’t for yourself.
3. Practice effective communication skills: Whether this is to your boss or to your wife or girlfriend, communication is essential during the holiday season. There’s so much going on, and so many opportunities to miscommunicate. So often, our wires get crossed with others because we fail to talk about what we need from them, whether that’s time off from work, spending some time with our guy friends to watch football, or figuring out how to divide the chores and household responsibilities equally. If we can learn to communicate a little bit more effectively than usual, we should be able to glide through the holidays without too much conflict.
4. Don’t avoid conflict: If you’re having an issue with someone, be direct with them and don’t beat around the bush. Holding in frustration or anger is only going to make things worse, whether you’re having an argument with a family member during Thanksgiving or squabbling in that pre-Christmas spat with your loved one, don’t avoid conflict. This is to those guys out there that are notorious conflict avoiders.
   • Also, if you’re drinking, watch the alcohol, because if there are things that are not being said, they may come out way worse if you’re drinking.  And you know how those holiday fights go…
5. Developing a holiday stress management plan: Develop a small stress management program for yourself, and employ it throughout the holidays, even doing it once or twice a week. Whether that’s continuing to work out at the gym, taking a light jog or hike, or doing some yoga, practice stress management because the holidays have a way of eroding your physical and mental well-being. Especially if you’re traveling, you’re going to be subjected to a lot of stress, and so will your immune system. Getting the right sleep, and knowing your limits, are both ways to prevent taking in too much stress during the holidays.
6. Plan: Good planning underlies everything, especially around this time of year. If you’re not a good planner, try to take some steps to help yourself by not creating more stress for yourself and those close to you. Whether that means budgeting for gifts, scheduling shopping, or getting your clothes ready before the morning of your flight out, you’ll be glad you set forth to take care of business before hand. Good planning is going to prevent you and your wife or girlfriend from inevitable stress and conflict, too, which will make her quite happy with you.
7. Create an quick exit strategy: For a lot of people, the holidays spent with family and friends can be a little bit overwhelming, especially if you’re staying with others or they’re staying with you. If you need to get out of the situation, kindly excuse yourself for a bit to get some fresh air or take a quick trip into town. If you’re staying extensively with family for three or four days, it’s important to get a little bit of time away for yourself or for you and your wife, away from family, the kids, whatever. Pace yourself, especially if you’re feeling contentious with a family member or loved one. You’ll be glad you did.

Defining personal success sometimes is difficult. It’s pretty easy to buy into the social, cultural, and family messages about what makes for success, but it’s a little bit more difficult to listen to ourselves to guide us towards our own version of personal success. Let me explain.

Growing up, we have many messages about how to be successful, or how not to be unsuccessful, given to us at an early age from parents, religious institutions, school, and television. It’s easy to grow up and not have to question some of these messages, especially if we’ve been given them from an early age and they been repeated over and over again. For example, our parent’s definition of personal success may have been integrated from such an early age, and we never got around to challenging or questioning those definitions of personal success. They may have, over time, developed to be very different from those things that we would identify as successful for ourselves if it was just up to us.

Personal success is not exactly what culture, society, or our parents might have us expect. Sure, there our many things that we can all agree defined personal success: finding a good job that we like, making good money, finding a great mate, developing a happy marriage, having a healthy family, and the list goes on. Those are the kind of universally accepted definitions of what it means to be successful in our culture.

But, even reaching those peaks and gaining the culturally sanctioned versions of personal success doesn’t always bring happiness. In fact, many men still deal with depression, anxiety, low self-confidence, and the like. Take Tiger Woods for example. He was the most famous and richest golfer in the world, had a beautiful wife, and seemed to define for millions of men what it means to be successful personally. And one day in November of last year, it all started to unravel. It was discovered that he had a sex addiction and had been sleeping with lots of women on the side. My sense is that Tiger, inside of himself, doesn’t feel very successful at all. He may have all of the trappings that exude personal success, from a cultural point of view. But, it may be a very different story inside of his mind.

We have to define personal success as men in a number of ways, and not just subscribed to the universal definitions of personal success given to us by our parents, our culture, media, and our peers. Personal success goes a lot deeper.

Here are some things to think about when defining personal success for yourself:

1. What are my values? If I were to list my values, and rank them in order importance, how are my behaviors in the world representative of those values? Are my own personal values being lifted up to in my day-to-day actions? for example, if I aspire to be a good husband or father, what do I do in the day-to-day to adhere to that value? If I want to be healthy physically, and that’s my value, what do I do in the day-to-day to live that value? I think the closer you can match your own personal values to the actions that you perform in your day-to-day life, that is a mark of personal success.
2. Try challenging some of your own ideas of personal success. Are your ideas of personal success different or the same from those that you received from growing up, from your parents, from other influential sources? are there versions of success that you are finding your life that deviate from some of those messages that were given to long-ago?
3. How do you experience personal success on a day-to-day basis? what are those ” little victories” that you experience all the time? They may not be having sixpack abs or a six-figure salary, but they may be significant when you put your every day up to a microscope.

Men should challenge the very idea of what it means to be successful, and challenge the inner self critic that berates and defeats them while they’re striving for more success. Often times, we strive for achievement of personal success based on outside opinion, whether from peers, family members, our spouse, or the media. Learning to challenge those definitions of personal success, and learning to turn inward and define ourselves as successful in whatever way is right for us will make a difference in how we define ourselves as successful.

If we look closely enough, we find that a lot of our behavior we can trace back to messages that we received growing up from our families of origin, or, more specifically, from our parents. As small children, our parents are our original models, and we learn about how the world works from them.

A lot of those messages we need to incorporate into our worldview for survival. Unfortunately, many of those messages are outdated, and continue to run like tapes in our brain. Those outdated tapes may continue to play on loop, and our behaviors, emotions, and thoughts are a product of those repeating messages. The relationships that we get into as adults are, in some part, formed from those outdated tapes. We learn plenty of good things from our parents about relationships; we also learn plenty of things that just don’t help us.

Challenging your family of origin messages, or those negative tapes, is the first step towards awareness and waking up to the fact that those tapes or messages can be changed.

Specifically, a lot of our ways of thinking about critical issues come from our parents: money, sex, intimacy, gender roles, professional images, how we fight in relationships, and all types of negative behaviors. We incorporate those messages into our experiences, and have varying degrees of awareness about them.

For men, a lot of the messages about stuffing your emotions, the message that “real men don’t cry”, and about learning how to withdraw, come from having learned those behaviors from a parent growing up, often times from a guys dad. When we get conscious of those  messages, we try to fight them, and sometimes succeed, and sometimes don’t. We often live in overcompensation mode, where we’ll “work harder, be better, be kinder, make more money,” and everything against what a parent did originally.

We have to challenge your family of origin messages to be able to grow up on our own. As long as we carry within us negative family of origin messages that are outdated, we stay stuck in the past and don’t consider alternative ways of being, and lose out on the chance to grow through those messages.

If we’re wanting to develop more confidence and better self-esteem, we have to deal with those early messages that communicated to us that we’re not good enough. If we want to develop healthier lifestyle choices, it may be that we have to face some ways of being that we’ve taken for granted, and have learned from our parents over the years. If we want to learn how to be a better money manager, it may benefit us to take a look at the internalized family tapes that play around money and the problems that result.

Challenging your family of origin messages is difficult. Many times, men stay complacent and don’t really challenge the status quo, where those tapes lie. If we can learn to become aware of some of those negative messages that play, we weaken certain challenge them and incorporate new messages that really will work for us. Change is difficult, and sometimes submitting to those early messages is just more convenient. The promise of being set free through shedding those messages is a promise you can’t afford not to make.