Making a decision is hard enough. Having the wrench of guilt thrown into your machinery while you’re making a decision is even worse. Many times, were not even aware of the guilt that we carry, and it operates beneath our consciousness and controls our thoughts, feelings and decision-making skills. When we indulge in our guilt, we are generally not making the right decisions for us, or what’s in our best interest as individuals.

When we try to adhere to other people’s desires of us, whether it’s family, friends, or our significant other, we sometimes get lost in trying to both please them and ourselves. The friction that’s created is where guilt lies. Guilt is more about “should” or “have to,” rather than “wanting to.”

Guilt is corrosive. When we let it fester, it eats us up inside. It stops our better judgment of how best to live our own lives. I think guilt is more related to people pleasing, and when we: the people pleasing, we lose our own voice.

What we call ‘guilt’ is usually representative of a blade within us, between pleasing some outside person or entity and ourselves. The more we can learn to tune into what we really want, the more will find happiness, contentment and confidence. We’re certainly not going to find those things if we endlessly tried to attend to or appease others, or try to do their agenda. Ultimately, will fail, and fall victim to addictive people pleasing.

Ask yourself: “what is it that I really want, if I can cut away trying to always please others?”. if you didn’t have to deal with guilt, what would your certain outcome or decision actually be? Would it looked different than how you’re used to doing it? Are you prepared for that outcome?

If we actually take the risk of listening to ourselves and what we truly want, and not others, what are the risks? usually, there is fear or panic about letting others down, or doing the opposite of what others want from us. When we grow up, we often develop guilt from interacting with our parents. They usually have a certain agenda for us, and we usually just learned to absorb it. As kids, we never really considered doing things our own way, or if we did, it was usually in a defiant or flippant way.

I think the first way to successfully deal with guilt is to start to recognize what it is that you actually want. What would your relationship look like if you really wanted it to be free of guilt? Would your friendships change? would you end up dropping friends who you didn’t feel guilty around?

On the other end, sometimes guilt is flared up by others manipulative tendencies. Manipulation and guilt are bedfellows. Where there is manipulation, there’s often guilt. if you’re feeling manipulated by someone close, it’s important to start to understand that dynamic in your relationship, and start to address it head-on. If you allow yourself to be manipulated, the end product will probably be guilt. And guilt is extremely corrosive to the soul.

New! Affordable Counseling Services in Phoenix – Starting Today! Now only $60 a session!

If you’ve been putting off counseling, and expenses have been an issue these days, we’ve got just the deal for you. And it’s gotten a little better.

Phoenix Men’s Counseling expands it’s service menu to include affordably priced counseling for individuals and couples.

Counseling services will be offered by Trent Leupp, a counseling student intern from Argosy University in Phoenix, under the direct supervision of a licensed professional counselor – yours truly. Sessions are now priced at $60 for a 50-minute counseling session with Trent.

Appointments are currently being set up, and there are a limited amount of bookings available.

New to counseling? Been hesitant to give it a try? This is your opportunity to start to make a real investment in your well-being and your relationships.

Contact Jason at 602.309.0568, or visit us at www.phoenixmenscounseling.com to book an online appointment.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what is takes to be a good man. I think there are plenty of answers out there: from media and culture, to our own preconceptions of what it means to be a man. But what if we truly listened to ourselves and came up with our own answers?

I’ve decided to put together a men’s self-assessment, and included five areas of life that I think are key to developing oneself as a man. Take a couples of minutes out on a break to consider your answers to these life areas.

• Living Your Values
• Do you live by what you believe in? How so?
• Is there a difference between what you believe in and how you practice your life? If yes,
• Being Genuine/Authentic
• Are you truly open and honest about your thoughts, feelings and behaviors to those close to you? If not, how do you prevent or inhibit yourself?
• Are you generally being true with yourself? If not, how are you untrue to yourself?
• Taking Responsibility
• Do you find yourself playing the ‘victim’ to others, or life in general? How?
• Is it hard to “own” your stuff, even if it’s negative, paints you in a negative light, or tarnishes your facade? Why?
• Practicing Self-Respect
• Do you practice regular self care, such as exercise, good nutrition, stress management? If not, what gets in your way?
• Can you keep healthy boundaries with others (i.e. be firm with others by saying ‘no’, not compromising your values, etc.). If not, how are you flexible on your boundaries with others?
• Do you criticize or judge yourself too harshly? What do you get out of this, if you do?
• Navigating Life Balance
• How does your life tip out of balance? What are your “traps” to fall out of balance (i.e. work, kids, etc.)
• Would others in your life consider you to be balanced in your life? What would they say?
• What is one area of your life that begs for your attention, in needing more balance? What is one thing you can do to feed that unattended part of your life?

What answers did you come up with? Were you surprised by any of your answers? It’s hard to take an honest look at ourselves, when life commands our attention, or when our perception of ourselves is filtered through other people.

If you came up with more questions, let those be the starting point to develop your next answers. How can you develop an action plan to be able to improve some of these life areas for yourself? Will it take time, money, energy, other people – what resources will you need to seek out to help you in developing these things?

Taking an honest look at ourselves takes some courage, especially if we’re not in the habit of doing so. Try to make small but incremental changes in developing your awareness. You can’t change what you’re not aware of, so stay open and get others feedback if you choose. All the luck and support to you.

In your relationship or marriage, maybe you’ve found yourself getting caught up in a rollercoaster-type experience where you and your wife, girlfriend or partner fight for some time, and then all goes back to serenity, and then it happens again and again, with constant repetition and no solution.

Fighting and conflict happen repeatedly, in a cycle format, and usually it’s tough to see what triggers your fall into fighting, conflict and attacks. When we’re in the fighting, we have no perspective. How can we help ourselves get out of it?

We’re going to talk about how to stop conflict and fightingthrough better understanding your negative relationship cycle.

As a fundamental component of the model of couples therapy known as Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), developed by Canadian psychologist Susan Johnson, PhD., identifying your negative cycle consists of looking at certain layers that exist behind the conflict you get into and actually see.

The negative cycle you and your partner get stuck in usually consists of negative behaviors, thoughts, and feelings that causes distress. We get sucked into this “vortex” and have a difficult time seeing ourselves when we get lost in our “cycle.” We often resort to reactive – and hurtful – words, actions and facial gestures when we are upset, needing something from our partner, or not feeling connected or understood.

When you get lost in conflict, look out for these things that you might be doing to aggravate your negative cycle:

• Avoiding or withdrawing from your partner
• Saying hurtful things that produce more conflict
• Feelings that bubble up that don’t get communicated
• Not feeling like you’re being heard
• Trigger words or statements your partner says that cause you to react
• Identifying what you’re telling yourself about your relationship (or your partner) when in conflict
• What behaviors you engage in when you’re upset

Here’s a free worksheet on identifying your negative relationship cycle. Download and print two copies, one for you and one for your partner or spouse. Open up a conversation around your results, and you might be really pleasantly surprised. And you might just surprise her, too.

For further help, read Sue Johnson’s “Hold Me Tight,” an excellent read to help you start to make sense of this confounding cycle.

If you’re a guy, and you cheated or had an extramarital affair, chances are that you have found yourself stuck in that place between wanting to be with your wife, and wanting to be with your partner in the affair. A lot of men that I talk with find themselves in that very space once they started an affair, and through avoidance and denial, tend to keep themselves there to not have to make a choice.

Cheating men now find themselves in a compromising position: do they try go back to their wives and children, or do they leave their family for their mistress?

Some guys don’t want to deal with this all. They get stuck between two women, and don’t know how to get out. Some guys I talk with want to keep treading water for as long as possible, until one of the women in AA in your decision for them. This is avoidance, and it’s making a decision by not making a decision.

What can you do if you find yourself in this position, between your wife and your girlfriend?

• Start to be honest with yourself: really do some soul-searching inside of yourself and see what is motivating you to stay in a the relationship. Are you staying because you want to try the keep the semblance of a family going? Are you too afraid to tell your wife the truth? Are you doing it for your children, and not for yourself?
• Consider your family of origin: did your parents not provide you a structured environment, so you may be trying to seek out the creation of structure within your family? Did your parents cheat on the other? Was it hard to work through problems or issues verbally or emotionally while growing up? I think these are all questions to consider when trying to come to a decision about to do.
• Try to be clear on your values: if the intimacy and sex with your mistress is just that, why do you continue to do it? if you have strong values, and your behaviors are not aligning with those values, there is a disconnect that will lead to indecision. Do you choose the instant gratification, or do you choose to invest in your long-term happiness and those things that are more aligned with your values.
• If your marriage is bad, come to the table and talk about it: you and your wife may need marriage counseling, or it may be too late. Maybe it’s better to start talking about separation or divorce, but really consider your motivations in continuing to not talk about it or breach the topic with your wife.

Cheating and infidelity are complex, and these bullet points don’t profess to get you to where you need to be. Ideally, you’ll invest some time and energy into counseling, whether that’s with your wife or alone. Like I wanted to counseling alone, and don’t really want to start to deal with talking about the issues with their wife quite yet. It’s important that you start to consider making some decisions, even if their minor, for your own happiness and everyone else’s.

If you’re like most men, it may take you a while to come around to the realization that there are problems in your relationship or marriage. some couples think that if they don’t fight, all is well. But is it? Are you both really okay, or is that what you’re telling yourselves?

For guys, the thought of going in the couples counseling is comparable to getting a root canal. The thought of showing up in the counselor’s office and starting to take a look at the problems, and ultimately, their role in the problems, is no picnic. Added to that, most guys think that the therapist is going to side with their wife or girlfriend, and end up attacking them.

Most of the myths that we generate about couples counseling are false. The right counselor can understand these things, and work with you to help you feel comfortable and not like you’re on the hot seat. The right approach to couples counseling is also critical for the successful goals you want to accomplish with your wife or girlfriend.

One extremely effective orientation to marriage counseling comes in the form of what’s known as EFT, or Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples. The success rate is quite high: studies are coming out that show couples have a better than 70% repair rate from EFT.

Developed by Susan Johnson, Ph.D, a Canadian psychologist, Emotionally Focus Therapy looks at the attachment bonds between couples. This is an approach that looks deeper than just building better communication skills or developing more effective negotiation or coping skills. EFT helps couples connect in an emotional way. And yes, men do want to connect with their wives in the emotional way, even if they don’t say so. It’s this emotional bond between partners that is sustainable, and many of the reactive behaviors and emotions that result are part of a complex “dance” or chronic negative cycle that emerges between partners.

The idea is to bring awareness to that negative cycle, and all work together in therapy to help couples stop fighting, reduce conflict and connected and more animate an emotional way. The negative cycle becomes the problem, and therapist and couple work towards understanding and reducing the negative cycle together.

Even guys who are hesitant to dive into their feelings talk about really making progress with this form of marriage counseling. a lot of guys really enjoy it, and not only turn around the destructive path of their relationship, but are able to improve it in ways that they never thought that they could.

Here’s a free worksheet on identifying your negative cycle with your partner. Download this and do it together to begin the process of identifying how you both get stuck in your own relationship patterns: http://phoenixmenscounseling.com/clinicalforms/negative-cycle.pdf

You don’t have to feel hopeless and trapped in your relationship or marriage situation. There is help, and options for you to explore instead of a breakup or divorce. You might be really surprised with the results.

“Does frequenting strip clubs count as cheating?”

“What if I communicate with ex-girlfriends on Facebook, and not tell my wife?”

“ I didn’t think getting a happy ending in my massage was all that big of a deal, so I didn’t tell her.”

Especially with the introduction of online communication and social media, cheating and infidelity have new modes of transmission in recent years. And for some men, the line that constitutes cheating has becomes blurry, and for women, presents even more reason to worry.

So what counts as what? Does communicating with other women, especially those you’re interested in, over social media counts as cheating, when you’re in a relationship? Does ogling and flirting with other women at the restaurant while you’re enjoying a meal with your girlfriend count? the answer might lie in how well you can develop empathy for the one that you’re dating.

How well you can put yourself in her shoes to answer these types of questions may clarify some of them for you. Also, identifying your true intentions and values will go a long way: how much do you value your current dating partner and the idea of an intimate, monogamous relationship with her? How do your behaviors reflect that commitment to her?

To indulge in these behaviors, sometimes guys compartmentalize and deny. Our minds have a way to compartmentalize those unacceptable behaviors, and push them away. For example, if you started up an online conversation with someone of the opposite sex, it’s easy to legitimize that as a simple online chat, or as a nonthreatening interaction. We use denial as a way to stave off the reality of the effects that it might be having on our life, our relationship or on our significant other.

The hurt, distrust and confusion that cheating, or cheating-like behaviors, cause wives and girlfriends is underestimated by a lot of men. Men don’t think about those effects on their women, and have a hard time developing true empathy for what their wives or girlfriends must be going through. One female psychologist that I spoke with asked, “How would you feel if your wife was talking to her old college boyfriend on Facebook?”

Men do have sex on the brain quite a bit of time, but acting on those impulses or thoughts is certainly another matter. Behaviors are different from thoughts, and while normal sexual fantasy is left to the minds pleasure, acting on those can cause your relationship a lot of damage. The behaviors are different from the impulses, and this is an important thing to think about when looking at cheating.

The difference is that the behaviors are usually an expression of some crack in the marriage for the relationship. As studies have shown, sex is a factor in cheating and infidelity, but it’s the lack of intimacy, communication, and appreciation and affection that men miss most. When guys aren’t getting this in their current relationship, they are more prone to activate those cheating impulses and turn them into behaviors.

A lot of this boils down to how well you and your partner are communicating. Are you comfortable sharing sexual fantasies with each other, or telling her about non-sexual run-ins that you have had with former partners or lovers? How well do you trust each other to talk about these things before they turn into big problems? If the trust and the communication aren’t there, it may be more likely that cheating behaviors will happen.

Thinking about this topic, I know we’re heading into murky territory, but I’ve been talking with a ton of guys this season where that big question has come up. I think it’s something about the holiday season that makes us look back on our past year and assess both the good and the bad. Do we look back in happiness and success, or do we look back in regret?

The holidays seem to drudge that question up for a lot of people, because I think a lot of otherwise unhappy people want to be able to make a change for themselves with the new year. Relationships are no different. Many people who are unhappy or unsettled in their current relationships start to ask themselves this question around this time of the year, and start to ask themselves if they need to make a change.
This is one of the most difficult questions to ask -  “do I stay or do I go in my relationship or marriage?” This article is not going to answer that question for you, but it’s been a bring up some points for you to think about.

There are some things that make answering that question easier, such as direct physical abuse, a partner who is mired in substance use, or other immediate response needs. I think those types of things need into serious inquiry into the “do I stay or do I go” question.

But, for a lot of men, they ask this question of themselves out of sheer reactivity and hopelessness. Many kind of choose to stay stuck between a rock and a hard place, and never seek out the help that they need, such as couples counseling. For some, it’s more comfortable. For others, it’s just denial.

A lot of times, the question “do I stay?” really means “ can I continue to deal with the problems that I am experiencing currently?” We often end up blaming our partners and creating a certain storyline about them and our relationship, and how it’s going to hell. If we get stuck in those types of thoughts, we’re toast. A lot of relationships and marriages that can be worked on, aren’t.

For men, it’s a little harder to take a look at the things that we are doing to our partners, and to take responsibility for the negative things that we do to them. I think the “do I stay?” question reflects a little bit of this, as well as “can I continue to deal with the negative emotions that come up inside me?” Sometimes, enough suffering drives people out of their comfort zone, where the pain of a bad relationship had become more than they can sit on.

For the guys who are emotionally avoidant already, the next logical question to start asking is “do I go?”. For men who avoid their emotions, and often avoid conflict situations in general, the desire to end a relationship or marriage is logical. It’s just easier to do it that way, and to start over from scratch. Problems are too difficult to work on in this relationship, you might tell yourself. She’s not open to a change, you might tell yourself as well. Or, this is just too much work, and I’m not up to the task, you might end with telling yourself.

I think the biggest question you need to consider is are you asking yourself if you want to flee the relationship based out of reactivity and emotion, or is this a rational, well-thought-out plan? For a lot of men, it’s acting out of reactivity and impulsivity, and that might work briefly in the short term, but not in long-term. We are bound to have to deal with this dynamic again, whether we get back together with our partner, or develop a new relationship with someone else. It’ll still be there.

And then, there is the “I should stay for the children” dilemma. I see a lot of couples wanting to hang in there, despite really difficult problems, for the sake of the kids. Some drudge through miserable marriages because they don’t want to expose their children to break up or divorce. Many times, it’s these guys who were those children in the past, and don’t want to do to their family what it is their parents did to them.

Really making a commitment to hang in there and work on the relationship issues, especially if you feel strongly about your partner, is really the first step. Identifying whether you’re wanting to end the relationship out of the emotion, or whether this is a well-thought-out plan, is one question that you could consider.

A lot of times, even the most hopeless situations can improve with some emotional connection, but it can be difficult for men to both connect to their feelings and to be able to listen to some of their partner’s issues with them and not want to fix those issues (which women often don’t respond well to, but do when you’re present and listening).

Is your relationship or marriage worth saving? Do you feel strongly enough about it, and about her, to start to do the heavy lifting to get your relationship back on track? Some guys do; others don’t. I’m not going to lie to you: it does take some work. But, your relationship is worth it, isn’t it?

Knowing when is the right time to keep yourself motivated, and when to relax yourself and leave your taskmaster at the door” is an extremely difficult thing to negociate for most men.

Many guys have some form of “taskmaster” that drives them for compels them to do many of the things that they do well in the world: achieve professional success, engage in sports, plan trips, and negotiate with others towards solutions. Unfortunately, many guys don’t know when to allow their taskmaster to take a break, and the effects can be disastrous on relationships and your self-esteem.

Whether we’re in the working world, or at the gym, we are in a mode to get things done. “Accomplish! Complete! Finish it!” That’s when our analytical minds take over, and we’re trying to create performance success for ourselves. This is all well and good. We structure our days to win, and men are all about goal accomplishment. We set a goal, and we meet it (or don’t). We gauge our success, or lack thereof, from this vantage point, whether not we have succeeded or not in certain domains. We judge our professional success this way, and a lot of our personal success.

But, there are two problems to this mindset. The first problem lies in the realm of personal care, specifically our own individual mentality. The dark side to not knowing how to leave our taskmaster at the door, or to relax our need to drive and perform, is that we often times neglect our own personal well-being. A lot of men, like many women, have a very difficult time knowing how to not criticize themselves and push themselves through difficulty, whether that’s emotional pain, life situations, or relationship conflict. This is the self-critic talking, and some people have a very difficult time resting their self-critic, because it’s always on “go” mode.
If we are always operating to please our taskmaster, fear of failure necessarily lurks somewhere in the shadows. A lot of times, we criticize and berate ourselves through our own negative “self critic”. It’s like we have a second inner voice going on in our mental dialogue. The more we listen to that voice of criticism, and do what it says, the more we try to always outperform it through accomplishment and performance. But, it never goes away, unless we face it and deal with it. We get caught in a neverending cycle of accomplishment, and it’s hard to let it rest.

That is the greatest challenge: to understand when to employ your taskmaster, and when to let it rest. Working hard and driving yourself day after day, and not giving yourself a break, is probably a symptom of workaholism for a lot of men. I talked with so many guys that fail on all accounts to take care of themselves, or even know how to begin taking care of themselves. A lot of guys don’t practice stress management, and don’t know how to eat well, get the right sleep, learn how to internally validate themselves, and put down their self-critic.

The other problem to not being able to leave your taskmaster, or driver, at the door, is that it’s one of the most universal ways to undermine your intimate relationship. I hear this from women all the time, that their guy doesn’t listen, and is constantly in “fix it” mode. This “fix-it mode” is exactly what your taskmaster is doing, and it doesn’t work in your most important relationship. It may work at work, but with your wife or girlfriend, it just doesn’t. The problem with our taskmaster is that he doesn’t know how to be present and be available, because he’s usually trying to figure out solutions to a problem or trying to employ control over a situation.

Women want and need this presence, or emotional availability, from their men. If we stay in this “fix-it mode”, it makes it really difficult to connect with our wives and girlfriends. We may not even be aware of this, but if you sense that this might be a problem, talk about it with your significant other. Stay open to some feedback about whether or not you try to fix her problems, or the problems in your marriage or relationship. She’ll tell you point blank whether or not you’re doing this, and whether to stop.

The holidays are usually defined as a time of family get-togethers, good food and drink, and relaxation, but for a lot of

Americans, the holidays are truly difficult in a number of ways.

Going into debt, dealing with family conflict, high stress, travel and marital discord, as well as depression and anxiety, characterize the experience of a lot of men these days. With a little planning and preparation, you can usher in the holiday season with minimal conflict, if you’re willing to consider these things:

1. Know your limits: Whether that’s how much money you’re going to spend, how much time you can actually stay any one family member’s home, or how much alcohol you can consume, it’s important know your limits. If you’re not doing things in moderation, you might be burning the candle at both ends. The holidays are a time off from everything that’s stressful, and if you’re creating more stress, you’re not really enjoying the holidays and relaxing. Know your limits, be able to say ‘no’ to others, and to yourself. Practice moderation, and knowing what’s good for you.
2. Watch for holiday mental health hazards: This is a memorable season, and for some, those memories are more haunting than festive. This is a time that we can reflect back on our year, for better for worse. If you’ve experienced a difficult year, whether that be a job loss, death of someone close to you, or general unhappiness or loneliness, the holidays have a way of amplifying those problems to make them seem worse.
   • If you succumb to depression or anxiety, the holidays have a way of bringing those out, too. Depression and anxiety peak around the holidays, so monitor yourself to make sure you don’t fall into these traps. Seek out help or support if you can’t for yourself.
3. Practice effective communication skills: Whether this is to your boss or to your wife or girlfriend, communication is essential during the holiday season. There’s so much going on, and so many opportunities to miscommunicate. So often, our wires get crossed with others because we fail to talk about what we need from them, whether that’s time off from work, spending some time with our guy friends to watch football, or figuring out how to divide the chores and household responsibilities equally. If we can learn to communicate a little bit more effectively than usual, we should be able to glide through the holidays without too much conflict.
4. Don’t avoid conflict: If you’re having an issue with someone, be direct with them and don’t beat around the bush. Holding in frustration or anger is only going to make things worse, whether you’re having an argument with a family member during Thanksgiving or squabbling in that pre-Christmas spat with your loved one, don’t avoid conflict. This is to those guys out there that are notorious conflict avoiders.
   • Also, if you’re drinking, watch the alcohol, because if there are things that are not being said, they may come out way worse if you’re drinking.  And you know how those holiday fights go…
5. Developing a holiday stress management plan: Develop a small stress management program for yourself, and employ it throughout the holidays, even doing it once or twice a week. Whether that’s continuing to work out at the gym, taking a light jog or hike, or doing some yoga, practice stress management because the holidays have a way of eroding your physical and mental well-being. Especially if you’re traveling, you’re going to be subjected to a lot of stress, and so will your immune system. Getting the right sleep, and knowing your limits, are both ways to prevent taking in too much stress during the holidays.
6. Plan: Good planning underlies everything, especially around this time of year. If you’re not a good planner, try to take some steps to help yourself by not creating more stress for yourself and those close to you. Whether that means budgeting for gifts, scheduling shopping, or getting your clothes ready before the morning of your flight out, you’ll be glad you set forth to take care of business before hand. Good planning is going to prevent you and your wife or girlfriend from inevitable stress and conflict, too, which will make her quite happy with you.
7. Create an quick exit strategy: For a lot of people, the holidays spent with family and friends can be a little bit overwhelming, especially if you’re staying with others or they’re staying with you. If you need to get out of the situation, kindly excuse yourself for a bit to get some fresh air or take a quick trip into town. If you’re staying extensively with family for three or four days, it’s important to get a little bit of time away for yourself or for you and your wife, away from family, the kids, whatever. Pace yourself, especially if you’re feeling contentious with a family member or loved one. You’ll be glad you did.