So often, we catch ourselves lost in our thought stream – thinking about our long term plans, or just weekend plans, wondering about past regrets we have, or stressing about things that have yet to come true. But, how well do we live grounded in our own present reality?

It’s quite common to get lost in our memories, hopes, fears, goals and stressors. But, when we lose ourselves in those places, life end us passing us by.

Many men live in the regret of the past – whether that’s dwelling on professional opportunities lost or squandered, women that have gotten away or generally idealizing their pasts in a way that we can’t let go. Often times, when we hold onto the past, intrusive thoughts predominate our thinking, and it’s as if we’re living in a parallel world where we’re not quite available to ourselves and others in the present.

Learning to let go of regret, anger and shame is an important step to letting go of the past. Developing more of a compassionate relationship with yourself means not beating yourself up for not taking that dream job, not actualizing your potential as a star tennis player, or failing in previous relationships. Living in the present moment often entails working through grief as a way to let go of the past, even if the past is so easy to hold on to.

The problem most men face is that they avoid their emotions. In doing this, what happens is that we develop these mental fixations on things in the past or future, and the negative emotions stay stuck and frozen. If you create space to see just how much you’re ruminating on things, people, places, etc., you’ll probably find that you’re avoiding dealing with the emotions that have resulted. Dealing with emotions is hard, especially when they run so deep, but it’s imperative to do so to get unstuck and back into the present moment of your life.

Mindfulness meditation is one way to come to develop more presence and live in the present moment. There are many good books on the subject. Jon Kabat Zinn developed Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR; http://www.mindfullivingprograms.com/whatMBSR.php). Developing a mindfulness meditation practice is helpful to clarifying the mind and learning to detach from one’s thought stream, where suffering lies. It’s not about better avoidance – it’s about being present with everything that arises, including wishful thinking, negative emotions and the pain of our experience of being human.

I personally practice yoga and find it’s a great way to develop more presence and anchor myself in the present moment. There are a number of great yoga studios here in Phoenix, and probably close to your home. Find the yoga style that works best for you, check out different classes from different instructors, and develop a regular routine to experience the best benefits.

Having intimate conversations with those close to you also has the transformative power of change to anchor you back in your present reality. In taking the risk to share fears, hopes, sadness, pain and insecurities with your partner or spouse, a close friend, or a family member, you’ll develop more personal awareness and make contact with those negative emotions in order to expunge them and live more presently.

Lastly, I believe lifestyle has a lot to do with being present – how much sleep you get, if you get regular exercise, how you eat and take care of your body. Optimizing your lifestyle and learning what works best for your body will most definitely help you to get closer access to the present moment. Tune in and listen to your body to see how much sleep you’ll need, when too many stimulants or too much alcohol affects your body, or what foods and supplements will be most beneficial to you maximizing your energy and presence.

When you’re bombarded with life chores and events, creating a space to plug out and decompress is hard. It’s easy to get caught in the whirlwind of daily life, but creating a regular space and time to fill yourself up could give you that extra charge you need by doing very little.

See, most men are task-oriented. It’s inconceivable for some guys to think of decompressing and doing nothing. And I’m not necessarily talking about kicking back with a drink or two (or three).

Men can be just as guilty of giving out more than they’re taking in. We end up neglecting ourselves and our need to recharge, which creates problems down the line. When we fail to meet this need, it appears as stress, physical problems, anger, irritability, frustration and feeling generally short with the world. We feel worn out, chronically exhausted and not at rest.

One related issue is that there are some guys who need to be busy 24/7. Some find that they can distract themselves with an ever greater to-do list, or can avoid their problems at home with burying their head in work. I talk with others who “thrive on chaos,” except it’s the chaos that eventually wins in the end.

What to do when creating time alone:

• Recognize that there’s a difference between finding alone time, and disconnecting from your relationship or marriage (if you’re in one). It’s a fine line, and it takes some time to do, but navigating the fine line between finding alone time and still staying connected to your partner is key.
• Communicate with your partner about this need for “plugging out”, and assure them that you are with them, you love them, and you need some decompression/time for yourself. They’ll understand if you communicate this clearly, and if not, they may think you’re avoiding them.
• Identify what makes you happy with the time you’ve got: do I like to just veg on the couch? Do I want to lift weights? Do I want to sit and read, or just contemplate? It’s up to you, and getting in touch with what works for you is important, because it’s different for each person.
• Clearly draw the line in the sand between personal time, work time and family/relationship time. It’s too easy for those lines to blur, and then you go back to feeling irritable and frustrated.
• If you don’t know what that time looks like, or how to just be with yourself, think about it over the next week. Ask yourself “at what points in time do I feel relaxed (when not on vacation)?” “How can I create more of that feeling of relaxation or rest in my home or on my free time?” And, “what’s preventing me from doing more of it?
• Get support from your partner or mate: they’ll understand that need and care for your well-being. Plan on creating both of your alone times at the same time, before you reconnect.
• If you need to immediately decompress when you come in the door, and you’re in a relationship, make that need know when you’re not just walking in the door. Discuss it with your partner at a different date, and tell them it’s important for you to disconnect before reconnecting and talking.

What not to do:

• Fall into smoking pot or drinking for your alone time. If you’re not careful, you may be inadvertently avoiding your pain or problems in your life. Watch out.
• Just expect that the time will present itself to you. You need to take the bull by the horns, and block out the time every week, or every day if need be. You know yourself, and it’s different for each guy.
• Stop communicating your need for time alone on a regular basis with your partner
• Stop planning your schedule to include personal or free time.
• Start planning out more things to-do, because this is your down time
• Fail to create and execute what your down time looks like, because without sketching out what your time looks like, it may not appear.

How do you know when it’s time to start dating again, after you’ve come out of marriage or a relationship? Have you started dating on the rebound just to not feel lonely?

It’s hard to say when the right time to start dating again is, because that’s different from person to person. A lot of frustrated daters – driven to not feel the pains of loneliness or rejection – start dating again for all the wrong reasons, and end up in worse shape than when they got out there in the first place.

There are plenty of reasons to date, and plenty of reasons not to date. It all depends on what you’re looking for. If you’re dating to meet people, have fun, hookup, or the like, it’s important to consider if you’re avoiding or denying residual pain or grief from a previous relationship breakup.

Sometimes daters (especially men) have a habit of denying or avoiding their feelings, and think another new person will fill that void. Those people certainly may temporarily, but ultimately the pain will still be there to come back to.

If you endlessly ruminate about the partner that you just ended a long-term relationship or marriage with, chances are that you’re not done letting go of them or the relationship. If you find you’re comparing dates to your former beloved, it’s probable that you haven’t moved on yet.

Give it time: create time and space in which to work through the emotions that come up for you. There’s no rush.

Contrary to that part of your mind that says “you’re not getting any younger,” there is time, and there are plenty of fish in the sea out there for you. If you think abundance, there will be abundance, and there will be many potential partners waiting for you when you return.

Besides, potential dates know instinctively when you’re “emotionally preoccupied.” They can sense it, especially women. And when you’re preoccupied with not letting go of your former flame, you’re not fully present and available to anyone else. Those potential partners aren’t getting the best of you, and wouldn’t you want them to have the bets of you?

Items to consider when dating again:

• Are you not over your ex yet? Can you allow yourself “x” weeks or months for the process of healing before you get back onto the dating circuit?
• Do you find yourself obsessing or ruminating about your previous relationship partner? If so, you may not be ready to date again.
• Identify what you want out of dating: to meet new people, to find a relationship, to get laid; understand what’s motivating you to get back out there in the first place.
• If you identify that you’re motivated by negative reasons (e.g. to not feel lonely, out of fear of being alone, scared you’re getting too old to find love), consider getting some help in working through those issues first, or while you’re just getting back out there
• Consider the kids: if you have children, what implications are there on them when you get back out to date? How will you field their questions and concerns? What about overnight stays – how will you handle those?
• Do you have an idea of what kind of partner you want? Do you have some sense of the “ideal date” you’re looking for, as to spare you added frustration when you don’t find that special person?
• Do you know how to practice good self-care, e.g. not exhausting yourself in the dating process, not overly worrying about how dates are going as they’re happening, worrying about the future with people, practicing stress management, not drinking too much on dates, etc.
• Are you so unconsciously dating that you might be attracting the same kind of partner that you just ended the last relationship with? Plenty of uninformed daters do. Don’t fall into this trap. We unconsciously recreate the same kinds of relationship patterns, so before you get out there, consider if you’re doing this. Seek out some professional counseling to help you stop recreating these patterns.

In “The Hustler”, Paul Newman plays a pool shark named Fast Eddie Felson. He is as natural as they come, but Fast Eddie has a handicap: he struggles with thinking he’s a “born loser”, as one character types him. He hides behind large quantities of alcohol, and starts working for a sinister professional gambler named Bert Gordon (a brilliant role by George C. Scott).

Fast Eddie is seeking personal fulfillment, while succumbing to the role of the loser. It got me thinking about how we trip ourselves up with “loser” type-thinking.  Eddie finally has a catharsis after the suicide of his girlfriend, played by Piper Laurie, and is able to realize his potential and shuck the “loser” mentality off to beat legend Minnesota Fats (Jackie Gleason). But how many of us are truly able to shuck off the loser thinking and fulfill our potential?

Many guys I work with look successful on the outside, and have all the trappings of what looks like success: careers, family, cars, money, power, etc. But on the inside, I think there’s a lot of us that still think we’re losers, even if we’re not to others.

First, identifying that we think like this could be a powerful wake up call to change. Often times, we get in the unconscious habit of thinking “successfully”, and not attending to the underlying loser “voice” below. We strive so hard to beat, fight and slay the “loser” that we work double time to get rid of it. And yet, the loser voice doesn’t go anywhere – it just grows stronger.

How else can you help kick the “loser” out of your life?

• Start to recognize the loser voice: let it come up and don’t push it away. It’s got something to say, and let it play out. It won’t make you a “loser” to just allow that voice some airtime.
• Journal about your experiences when the “loser” voice comes up. Create a special journal or use a dictation app on your phone and make time a couple of times a week to get in touch with that voice.
• Consider your family of origin background: Did you take in messages that you weren’t good enough as you were? Was it hard to do things without being criticized or shamed?
• Ask yourself: do I work extra hard to suppress my “loser” voice? A lot of men work double time – at work, at play, in relationships – to keep that voice locked up. Try to see how you “overcompensate” for feeling like a loser.
• Share your feelings with someone you trust: your partner, a trusted friend, a family member. Chances are pretty good that that person has dealt with these feelings, and that you’re not alone.
• Take charge of your “loser” voice: work to affirm yourself for your strengths, talents, gifts and the like. You’ve got just as many of those things that, when seeing your reality, can override your “loser” voice.
• Watch “The Hustler” on Netflix
• Get in touch with the feelings behind your experience of being a loser: is there sadness? Is there pain? Are there feelings of shame and embarrassment, or inferiority? Those can be dealt with. Seek out some support, or some counseling to help.
• Know you’re not alone: in my humble opinion, most men deal with thinking this way. Inside, most guys have a scared little boy who’s not feeling good enough, successful enough, etc. Even if other guys aren’t talking, I can tell you this can very much be the truth.

Fast Eddie overcame his label of “born loser”: he ass-kicked Minnesota Fats in the end. You have all the resources you need inside of you to not just look successful, but to believe it on the inside. What prevents us from kicking the “loser” out is ourselves. Removing those roadblocks means believing you are genuinely powerful and successful, and not the “loser” you’ve believed yourself to be.

PastedGraphic-1

As much as you try to be and look successful, is there a part of your inner voice that says you’re a loser? Most guys deal with this inner critic, that undermines their real success in the world. Jason looks at this negative self-beliefs in this 2 1/2 min. video, Kicking the “Loser” Thinking, and gives you some tips to think about when confronting these negative self-beliefs.

Plenty of guys deal with problems with sex. From heavy porn use, to erectile dysfunction, to general intimacy problems with their wives and girlfriends, men struggle with what it means to be sexually intimate. Watch this 2-min. video on Men and Sex Problems, where Jason talks about some of the problems men have with sex.

1. Walk 30 min. a day
2. Practice breathing 5 min. a day
3. Reduce caffeine use
4. Make a to-do list for your upcoming week on Sundays
5. Set your bills up to auto-pay online
6. Plan out your vacation early, and make a budget
7. Plan a “money talk” with your partner once a month
8. Lower your sugar intake a bit, such as sodas, candy, ice cream, and baked goods
9. Plan your errands in an hour or two-hour chunk early on Saturday, so you can free yourself up for the rest of the weekend.
10. Chunk out time twice a day to return e-mails, say at 10:00 AM and 2:00 PM.
11. Ge to know a great online scheduler, like Google Calendar, or for Mac fans, Mobile Me.
12. Brainstorm what you can successfully multitask without adding to your stress levels.
13. Make time for your wife and girlfriend constantly, whether for intimacy, talking or activities.
14. Plan a date night; switch off planning it
15. Use Mint.com for budgeting and money management.
16. Auto-debit your retirement investments, so you don’t have to beat yourself up for not investing.
17. Find a good app for food shopping, if you do the shopping. I like the simple Teax Deux for easy, easy to-do lists, and grocery lists work great – the iPhone app synchs with the online version.
18. Lower your alcohol consumption.
19. Exercise for deeper sleep, which lowers stress.
20. Try yoga. Sign up for a free month with many studios. near you.
21. Listen to free stress management cd’s from your local library.
22. Practice mindfulness meditation to lower stress.
23. Get massages regularly. Yes, plenty of guys do, including me, without shame.
24. Come up with ways to disconnect from work when you’re not at work, like hobbies, interests, friends.
25. Plan your estate documents and get a good estate planning attorney.
26. Talk about what’s stressing you with someone close, like your partner, a parent or close friend.
27. Simply admit you’re stressed. A lot of guys simply can’t come to this awareness, so admit it and take action from there.

In your relationship or marriage, maybe you’ve found yourself getting caught up in a rollercoaster-type experience where you and your wife, girlfriend or partner fight for some time, and then all goes back to serenity, and then it happens again and again, with constant repetition and no solution.

Fighting and conflict happen repeatedly, in a cycle format, and usually it’s tough to see what triggers your fall into fighting, conflict and attacks. When we’re in the fighting, we have no perspective. How can we help ourselves get out of it?

We’re going to talk about how to stop conflict and fightingthrough better understanding your negative relationship cycle.

As a fundamental component of the model of couples therapy known as Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), developed by Canadian psychologist Susan Johnson, PhD., identifying your negative cycle consists of looking at certain layers that exist behind the conflict you get into and actually see.

The negative cycle you and your partner get stuck in usually consists of negative behaviors, thoughts, and feelings that causes distress. We get sucked into this “vortex” and have a difficult time seeing ourselves when we get lost in our “cycle.” We often resort to reactive – and hurtful – words, actions and facial gestures when we are upset, needing something from our partner, or not feeling connected or understood.

When you get lost in conflict, look out for these things that you might be doing to aggravate your negative cycle:

• Avoiding or withdrawing from your partner
• Saying hurtful things that produce more conflict
• Feelings that bubble up that don’t get communicated
• Not feeling like you’re being heard
• Trigger words or statements your partner says that cause you to react
• Identifying what you’re telling yourself about your relationship (or your partner) when in conflict
• What behaviors you engage in when you’re upset

Here’s a free worksheet on identifying your negative relationship cycle. Download and print two copies, one for you and one for your partner or spouse. Open up a conversation around your results, and you might be really pleasantly surprised. And you might just surprise her, too.

For further help, read Sue Johnson’s “Hold Me Tight,” an excellent read to help you start to make sense of this confounding cycle.

If you’re a guy, and you cheated or had an extramarital affair, chances are that you have found yourself stuck in that place between wanting to be with your wife, and wanting to be with your partner in the affair. A lot of men that I talk with find themselves in that very space once they started an affair, and through avoidance and denial, tend to keep themselves there to not have to make a choice.

Cheating men now find themselves in a compromising position: do they try go back to their wives and children, or do they leave their family for their mistress?

Some guys don’t want to deal with this all. They get stuck between two women, and don’t know how to get out. Some guys I talk with want to keep treading water for as long as possible, until one of the women in AA in your decision for them. This is avoidance, and it’s making a decision by not making a decision.

What can you do if you find yourself in this position, between your wife and your girlfriend?

• Start to be honest with yourself: really do some soul-searching inside of yourself and see what is motivating you to stay in a the relationship. Are you staying because you want to try the keep the semblance of a family going? Are you too afraid to tell your wife the truth? Are you doing it for your children, and not for yourself?
• Consider your family of origin: did your parents not provide you a structured environment, so you may be trying to seek out the creation of structure within your family? Did your parents cheat on the other? Was it hard to work through problems or issues verbally or emotionally while growing up? I think these are all questions to consider when trying to come to a decision about to do.
• Try to be clear on your values: if the intimacy and sex with your mistress is just that, why do you continue to do it? if you have strong values, and your behaviors are not aligning with those values, there is a disconnect that will lead to indecision. Do you choose the instant gratification, or do you choose to invest in your long-term happiness and those things that are more aligned with your values.
• If your marriage is bad, come to the table and talk about it: you and your wife may need marriage counseling, or it may be too late. Maybe it’s better to start talking about separation or divorce, but really consider your motivations in continuing to not talk about it or breach the topic with your wife.

Cheating and infidelity are complex, and these bullet points don’t profess to get you to where you need to be. Ideally, you’ll invest some time and energy into counseling, whether that’s with your wife or alone. Like I wanted to counseling alone, and don’t really want to start to deal with talking about the issues with their wife quite yet. It’s important that you start to consider making some decisions, even if their minor, for your own happiness and everyone else’s.

When our lives don’t turn out exactly how we want them to, men have a certain way of stagnating, or freezing themselves in time. We become like Icemen, psychologically trapped in the confines of our own memories and unable to live in the reality of the present. This inability to contact our lives as they are unfolding now means that life passes us by, and a lot of times we don’t even know it.

Why does this happen Why do we get stuck in time? Is it possible to unfreeze ourselves and start living our lives?

A lot of men stay trapped in periods of their lives that were more glorious: when they were captain of the football team in high school, in their party years in college, in their adolescence. Some guys stay emotionally and psychologically trapped in these periods of their lives because this is when they felt good about themselves and about what they were doing. They were getting acclimated and validation for being a superstar, and the dreary reality of their present lives today doesn’t provide them that same sense of accomplishment or identity boosting.

Who wouldn’t want to relive their glory years? Which guy wouldn’t want to feel good about those points in their lives where things were working well, where they were successful in work or with women, or where they felt really good about themselves?

The problem comes when we stay stuck in this alternate dimension, and never unhook ourselves from those past memories. It’s like we can never make contact with our lives as they are playing out in the present.

A lot of times, our lives are too difficult to deal with, or to even look at. We may be unhappy with our careers or our work, our spouses may be making us miserable, our children may have constantly disappointed us, or we may feel like failures to ourselves. As human beings, it’s to want to avoid pain and suffering, and strive for pleasure. When we get stuck in the past, were living in a faux reality that is out of touch with the present.

The first step to waking up from this disillusionment is to become aware that were actually residing in our memories more than we are in our lives. If we can recognize that, if we can start to shake off the past, no matter how seductive it is over us, we can start to turn to face the reality of our current situations, even if that brings pain, grief, fear or other negative emotions. We may need to deal with people who cause us pain, or with situations, such as work, relationships, or depression, if we start to wake up from living in that alternate reality.

It’s also important to seek out professional help, because it’s difficult to see your situation when you’re smack dab in the middle of it. And, on top of that, if you’ve been living your life in the past, you may need some professional support to help you navigate back to your life.

It’s critical to know that dealing with the pain of the present doesn’t mean you’re fated to live a life of unhappiness and misery. You’re not. Plenty of guys can successfully work through their problems or issues and get to feeling better again while living in their present reality, not in their past. Just because you were a successful student athlete, or popular with the women, or were you stand out in your career, all of those things are fleeting and won’t bring you lifelong happiness. If you start to live more in the present moment, and in your current life as it unfolds today, you’ll learn to ease up on gripping the past four your sense of self-worth and happiness.

<a href=”http://www.yourmindyourbody.org” mce_href=”http://www.yourmindyourbody.org”><img src=”http://www.yourmindyourbody.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/APA_BlogDayBADGE_2011.jpg” mce_src=”http://www.yourmindyourbody.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/APA_BlogDayBADGE_2011.jpg” ALT=”Mental Health Blog Party Badge”>