I’m reminded of Al Bundy, patriarch of the Bundy family, from the TV show “ Married With Children.” In the show, Al’s proudest moment in life was scoring four touchdowns in one game. He didn’t achieve what he sought out to, and, long story short, ends up working as a shoe salesman. Al often spends time attempting to recapture his glory days, but usually trips himself up with bad decisions and worse judgment. Al blames and resents his family, and attributes his problems to them, which provides the crux of the show’s humor.

Al’s life ended up very differently than he planned. In high school, he shined. it was a successful football player but hopes of getting a college scholarship, but after he impregnated his girlfriend and broke his leg, everything changed. Al lives in his private world filled with the best times of his life, and it’s a place that’s too many men resort to living in when their realities prove disappointing and unfulfilling.

As men (or people in general), we have a tendency to avoid ourselves, our situations or our lives as they are in the present moment. Often times, we’re too busy living in and out our private universes of the past or of the future. We hold on to the good memories, often to escape the reality of our current situation.

We may have been star athletes, president of the debate squad, or more successful with women in the past. We may have felt happier at a time in the past where we were more secure, fitter, healthier, happier, and generally more equipped to deal with the world.

Through the process of stagnation, those experience wane over time. Maybe our lives didn’t end up the way we planned. Maybe our spouses didn’t bring us the happiness that we so hoped. Maybe our children disappoint us, or maybe we disappoint ourselves. Maybe we didn’t make a million dollars, or become a pilot or a deep sea diver like we planned when we were 8 years old.

Life is short, and it’s never too late to turn it around. So what can you do?

• Admit that you’re stuck/angry/unhappy, to yourself, your spouse, your pet iguana, whomever
• Take some time for contemplation, and start to understand if you are living in an alternative universe, where your past self (or a happy future self) take up most of your headspace.
• Get help. Seek out professional help to allow you to deal with the blocks that prevent your happiness in the here and now.
• If you’re victimizing (read: blaming others for your miseries or failures), stop doing that right now. Think of Al Bundy when you do, and realize that you help keep yourself in a cycle of avoidance and unconsciousness when you do. It may be easier to place the blame on others (your wife, your boss, your pet iguana), and it’s a hell of a lot harder to look in the mirror and take ownership for your pain, disappointment and anger at yourself.
• Understand that as long as you have a skinsuit, and fresh air to breath, you can make a change for yourself. It may be scary, and it may not be what others want of you, but it’s your life, and you choose happiness or unhappiness.
• Life is neutral. You are the decider. You can choose to work on issues and change them, or you choose to sit back and stagnate. They’re all choices. One choice is to not choose.

• Listen. Don’t fix. Listen.
• Validate her. Affirm her. Questions? Ask her for help.
• Don’t flirt with other women. Flirt with her.
• Talk about your feelings. You won’t die of vulnerability.
• Clean more.
• Hold the door open for her.
• Don’t criticize or attack her.
• Say you’re mad when you’re mad.
• Remember her birthday.
• Initiate date night.
• Tell her she’s sexy more.
• Tell her she’s beautiful more (it’s different from sexy).
• Don’t avoid her during arguments.
• Know she’s scared you don’t love her if you do avoid her.
• Cook more.
• Keep yourself in decent physical shape.
• Cap the video game/watching sports time a bit.
• Don’t bag on her to your friends - talk with her about what frustrates you
• Make eye contact.
• Initiate sex more.
• Tell her you understand how she’s feeling.
• Treat others kindly. Especially her parents.
• Don’t bag on her friends.
• Don’t hide your emotions. She’ll read it on your face, chap.
• Make yourself interesting. Pick a new hobby.
• Prevent relationship boredom before it starts.
• Prioritize ‘us’ as a couple that’s different from being parents together.

(reprinted from January’s edition of “Mentality” for men)

Healthy self-esteem is a critical component in a well-balanced life. Guys need it just the same, and it’s a consistent practice over time to maintain and refine good self-esteem, or the relationship that we have with ourselves. The way we treat ourselves is a direct reflection of the way we attract others into our lives. Who we attract into our lives is a direct reflection of how we feel about ourselves - good or bad. Let’s take a look at some components to developing better self-esteem for men.

Here’s how this will happen: we’ll look at four common areas affected by self-esteem, and give four tips for each category.

• At Work
  • Feel accomplished by breaking up large projects into easy to manage tasks, and structure your time.
    • Check these free forms out to help get you better organized: http://davidseah.com/
  • Periodically ask for constructive criticism from superiors to do a better job. Don’t wait for your review. It’s not ass kissing if you to want to perform better, and wiser.
  • Use your lunch productively: do some stress management for yourself for thirty minutes
  • Set quarterly goals for yourself on the job, and work towards gradual achievement of them; if you’re unhappy at work, set quarterly goals to get yourself out of there and into a better job or career
• Relationship with Ourself
  • Identify and watch the toxic “self-critic”. Start to watch how it beats you down mentally, and how much of your behavior may be driven to succeed to “show” or compensate. This is the voice inside your mind that tells you “you’re not good enough, smart enough, successful enough.” Yes, that one.
  • Identify your needs and communicate them to the people that can meet them for you. Deal with the ones that can’t.
  • Identify your feelings and communicate them to the people that can listen to them. Deal with the ones that can’t.
  • Know what your limits are. Learning to say “no” is just as important for men as it is for women. Having healthy boundaries - which originate in ourselves first - is the foundation for practicing self-care, and developing good self-esteem.
• Lifestyle
  • List three things you’ve been saying you’re going to do - that you’re not already doing - and develop an action plan to start to do them. This includes interests, hobbies, investment in relationships, etc. Identify the blocks and barriers, and write them down. Repeat.
  • Consider your friendships, and how they should be mutually satisfying for both parties. Do you feel good about them, and feel like you’re getting from them, as well as giving to them? If not, is a change needing to be made? Our friends can be great mirrors of our self-esteem, if we look closely. Research shows that mental health,  like depression, can be socially contagious, so why wouldn’t positive (or negative) self-esteem? Surround yourself with well-intentioned people who are good for your self-esteem.
  • Practice 20-30 minute regular exercise routines and do it not for an end-result, but as a commitment towards greater energy and positive self-esteem. Do it for your partner (or kids) if nothing else. We’re not talking Lance Armstrong here. Shake up those feel good brain juices.
  • Align your values with your behaviors. Are you practicing what you preach? Are you doing things in the world that are consistent with what you believe in? Sometimes, recalibrating them brings improved self-esteem, when we’re living from our core values instead of someone else’s.
• Stress Management

• Practice 10-15 minutes of conscious breathing (you can do this at work) or mindfulness meditation. You’ll be able to “unstick” from negative thinking about yourself through this process. E-mail me for instructions on meditating or breathing exercises.
• • Create a “stress list”, and record the daily items that stress you. Dump the stressors onto that list, and put the list in your desk drawer, or in a glass jar labeled “To Worry About”. Don’t stress: you’ll get to them later.
  • Practice better anger. You can exercise it out, yes, but you can also get in touch with the experience of anger in yourself, and communicate your anger in a healthy way to those that are the cause of it. Don’t stuff your anger, but don’t explode either. Choose “the middle way,” and cool your anger and frustration each time it comes up. But time it well.
  • Don’t smoke, and drink a little less. Both will spike stress, and exacerbate negative thinking about yourself (especially if you then tell yourself you want to quit. This is called “cognitive dissonance”, when stress appears as a product of two competing ideas. (“I want to quit, but I’m still doing it.”)

Self-esteem is a relationship that we build with ourselves over time. It requires some work, and continuing to do the right things over and over again. If you think you have chronic self-esteem problems, and need help, contact me to see how counseling or psychotherapy might benefit you.

(reprinted from January’s edition of “Mentality” for men)

Being the social beings that they are, women are generally more predisposed than men to seek out the support of their close friends when there are problems or challenges. Women are better at seeking out friends, and knowing how to support themselves by doing it.

On the other hand, men are not wired this way. Guys in our culture tend to have more superficial relationships, based on common interests, hobbies, work and sport. Men do have “guys’ night”, but usually entails some male bonding activity through watching sports or playing poker. Men bond with activities outside of their emotions, and our culture has never been supportive of men relating to other men in any other way, especially emotionally.  Look at the abundance of “bromance” movies in the last couple of years, such as “I Love You, Man.” Culture, or more specifically, Hollywood, usually needs a comedic vehicle in which to introduce the idea of men connecting on an emotional level. It’s just too “weird” or “uncomfortable” without the humor. It’s kind of sad, because a lot of guys have nowhere else to turn for support.

On a practical level, many men do state that they want more male friendships. They often don’t know how to go about getting them, or aren’t willing to put the work in to maintain friendships. Again, this is where women do it better than guys. They can not only seek out social support from friends, and learn how to meet their needs in this way, but have the ability to maintain friendships and invest the time and energy than it takes to keep them going.

The older a guy gets, the harder it is to “teach a dog new tricks.” It just becomes “too hard” for a lot of guys to risk seeking out new friendships, and spending the time and energy that it takes to preserve them. Sometimes it’s just a little scary to reach out.

We say to ourselves that we want more friendships, but sometimes we aren’t willing to put the work in that relationships take. Friendships are similar to intimate relationships or marriages in that way: they’re good when you put the work, time and investment into them, and atrophy when there’s no investment. Even if you just “synch” with someone, you still got to put the work in to maintain friendships.

Fear is one way that we get stuck from advancing towards generating an up keeping friendships. Sometimes, fear prevents us from taking the risk of seeking out new male friendships or reigniting old ones. Laziness is also a common roadblock towards developing friendships. We don’t want to put the work in, or “have other things to do,” which is another way to say that we are prioritizing certain things in our lives over developing more room for personal friendships. It’s just one choice over the next choice.

Friendships don’t just come to us; they take a lot of work, energy investment, and mutual willingness. it’s the same as keeping a marriage healthy, and it’s a way of helping keep yourself healthy by learning to meet your needs as a man. Guys need the support just like women do, and friendships are a great way to get that support when they’re mutually satisfying.

As a Phoenix counselor for men, I specialize in helping men deal with the difficult issues they face: relationship problems, depression, work stress, anger issues, sexual concerns and effective communication skill building.

My practice - Phoenix Men’s Counseling - also helps guys create the types of lives that they see in their minds. Working in counseling together, a treatment plan is developed, and strategies are created to work towards those end results. Forging a relationship based on trust, client and counselor proceed to identify those unconscious barriers that prevent forward progress. Without the help of a professional counselor, think of it as knowing you’ve got to lose weight or get to the gym, actually going a handful of times, and stopping repeatedly before accomplishing your goal. You don’t know what’s stopping you, and know matter how hard you try to punch through it, you can’t. That’s where Phoenix Men’s Counseling comes in.

Book at online appointment through our site today. If you’re struggling, and you want greater happiness, take the risk today. You’ll be happy you did.

For those who have never been part of the counseling process before, the idea of sharing one’s most intimate self with someone (a therapist), as well as their spouse, is fear-inducing. Many couples come to couples counseling because they want to learn how to better communicate with each other, and lack the trust to be able to breach the topics of the most sensitive issues: sex, money, trust, power. Men have a hard time with relationship counseling. Most would rather enjoy a root canal that have to buy into couples counseling.

But, couples counseling is not as scary as most people think it is. In couples counseling, it is the job of the therapist or counselor to be an impartial and participatory observer, among other things. Many fear that the therapist will take sides, which is understandable yet false. A good couples counselor should be supportive of both sides, and encourage dialogue, awareness and insight for both relationship partners.

Usually, a two-hour intake will include designing a treatment plan, which is based on the agreed upon goals each couple wants to work towards together, completing an in-depth interview, and agreeing on the treatment process with a consent to treatment conversation and paperwork completion.

Couples counseling sessions are designed to identify the blocks and barriers that keep relationship or marriage partners apart and disconnected. Moreso, through insight, greater awareness and ownership, each partner is encouraged to dialogue in a way that is not falling into blaming, avoiding, hurting or any of the other myriad ways couples dysfunctionally interact with each other outside of the counseling office. Goals are set, and weekly homework assignments are given to each couple/partner to work on between sessions. Always, prioritization of quality time together needs to be the foundation, even if there are hurt or angry feelings that need to be communicated about. Couples that maintain their distance will continue to: it’s addictive to want to avoid potential conflicts, especially for many men and people who are conflict-avoidant.

These are a couple of things to think about when considering starting the process of couples counseling. It’s critical that you interview your couples counselor and make sure that the therapist is competent, experienced, compassionate, and, most of all, that you connect with your marriage counselor. Couples counseling is an investment: psychically, financially, chronologically, emotionally. Because you are putting in so much, get a sense that you’ll get out of it what you need to by researching and choosing the right therapist for you.

Acceptance of cheating among men has actually decreased in recent years, compared to previous decades, like in the 1970’s, but In the age of instant communication and viral storytelling, cheating has come (and stayed) in the forefront of the cultural consciousness, with the prominence of celebrities and politicians who have cheated, and gotten caught.

But why do men cheat? Do they cheat simply for sexual gratification? The answer is multi-dimensional and not as easy as that.

According to research, the number one reason that men cheat is because they no longer feel appreciated, validated or cared for by their wives. An unsatisfactory sexual relationship may contribute to it, but the vast majority of men admit that it was because they felt neglected at home, didn’t feel appreciated for their efforts or for who they were.

Here’s how it works: A marriage or relationship slowly starts to erode when partners start to distance themselves. Often times, having children takes precedence, and a marriage is redefined in a way that it becomes second priority. Men - when not getting those needs for intimacy, appreciation or validation - begin to feel angry and hostile towards their wives. They start the emotional disconnect from their wives or girlfriends, which, in turn, creates more friction and hostility towards them by their partners. The cycle continues, and many men opt for cheating or infidelity.

In my experience, men are emotional beings that have a very difficult time learning how to access those emotions, and communicate them in a way that their partners understand. Men are used to the avoidance and withdrawal, especially in the realm of getting their needs and feelings met. Often times, they don’t have or haven’t learned the communication tools to be able to fix the problem before it gets bad. They’ll avoid or repress the problem, and not deal with it as it needs to be dealt with.

Here are some highlighted reasons why men cheat, and then added points on the Tiger Woods scandal, to contrast celebrity cheating:

(Press Release)

13 DAYS OF A MERRY CHRISTMAS…RELATIONSHIP!

Men’s Counselor Jason Fierstein Gives 13 Tips to Help Relationships Survive the Holidays

November 30, 2009- Phoenix, AZ – With the holiday season in full swing, emotions, tempers and tantrums can flare. Jason Fierstein, owner and founder of Phoenix Men’s Counseling, has created 13 humorous but practical tips to help all relationships survive this sometimes tumultuous season.

Tip #1 – Avoid Heat Seeking Land Mines! - Every couple should have a strategy between each other on how to troubleshoot potential road hazards; the father that always criticizes, the perfectionist mother-in-law . Anticipate behavior so you and partner know not be REACTIVE. Remember, alcohol and sugar combined can help set off those land mines.

Tip #2 – Pigskin Planning – Communicate with your partner ahead of time how each social scenario is going to play out. For example, first there will be dinner, then everyone gets up from the table and watches football, then there is an intense discussion of what movie to go see…etc. Let your partner know what to expect so that he/she can anticipate what is going to happen.

Tip #3 – Be A Yes Man – Be a “Yes” man especially if you and your partner are hosting festivities in your home. Be aware that this will be a stressful time for your spouse, girlfriend or partner. Get into customer service mode… you can’t lose with “how can I be of help.”

Tip #4 – Don’t Let Credit Cards Pull Your Sleigh – Have the holiday budget talk with your partner. Sit down and come up with a gift giving strategy. Figure out how much you are going to spend per each person and discuss and agree on the budget before shopping.

Tip #5 – The Holidays Can Gobble You Up – there are so many ways that they holidays can erode good will, just trying to find a parking space in a busy mall, can raise ire and frustration. Allow yourself plenty of time to accomplish the tasks at hand and be mindful of keeping realistic expectations.

Tip #6 – Prevent an FUI – Family Under the Influence – The word libation is a word close to liberation and verbal liberation can cause a lot of family strife. You may get yourself in a verbal situation that can become triggers for old family issues. Make a pact with yourself and your spouse or partner to an alcoholic drink maximum (before drinking begins) and vow to not let others who are drinking push your triggers.

Tip #7 – Does This Dress Make Me Look Fat? – Men need to be sensitive to the fact that a woman’s physical appearance and perceptions are highlighted during the holidays. Be complimentary and sincere…and don’t even think about mentioning any holiday weight gain!

Tip #8 – In Case of An Emergency Break the Glass – have an exit strategy with your partner. A key word, phrase or tug of an ear to let the other know that you are at your family, office or holiday party limit and it is time to go.

Tip #9 – Stay in DMZ (the Demilitarized Zone) – Agree to stay on neutral ground whether with family or co-workers. Don’t ask questions or bring up topics that are going to invite pain or conflict. Remember alcohol exacerbates every situation and often not in a good way.

Tip #10 – Call A Delay of Game – If conflict begins, give yourself five minutes to re-center. Don’t buy into the conflict.

Tip #11 – Saddle Up Your Parenting – if you have children don’t let the kids manipulate you or your spouse or partner.

Tip #12 – Check the Pressure Cooker – check-in with your spouse or partner to make sure the pressure of the holidays isn’t negatively affecting them. Do a status check for depression, loneliness, or despair. Offer help, love and support to offset these attributes.

Tip #13 – Embody Your Inner Jimmy Stewart – “It’s A Wonderful Life” – have an attitude of gratitude, ENJOY family and friends, practice random acts of kindness and remember to CELEBRATE the holiday season.

Jason Fierstein is owner and founder of Phoenix Men’s Counseling which focuses on men’s mental health and relationship and marriage issues. Phoenix Men’s Counseling is located at 668 N. 44^th Street, Suite 300 in Phoenix. For more information, visit www.phoenixmenscounseling.com or call 602-309-0568.

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Alcohol has a particularly important presence in our modern American culture. We use it to entertain, connect with others, make family gatherings lighter, engage in business with it and rally around our favorite sports teams while drinking it. Multi-billion-dollar industries have been created around beer, wine and spirits, and popular culture has produced a number of timeless celebrity icons who indulge in: Hemingway, the Rat Pack, Keith Richards, Hank Williams…hell, even Ulysses S. Grant.

Our culture is totally schizophrenic around alcohol: it promotes it to no end, and yet ignores the repercussions of consuming it. Domestic violence, broken marriages, infidelity, depression, and divorce, among other things, result in the overindulgence of booze. Socially, it’s really hard to break away from the attractiveness to it. The parties we go to, the people we hang out with and the advertisements we encounter all promote it, and yet it still continues to get us into trouble.

Men tend to avoid their feelings, and therefore, the problems that those hidden feelings create. Alcohol has always been the socially acceptable avoidance strategy for many men. To find and connect together, alcohol as a social lubricant that allows men to do what comes more naturally to women: seek social support. Women have known this, but to prevent isolation and loneliness, men usually only rally around each other when it involves sports or some like-minded activity. Feelings are rarely discussed, but alcohol allows for “loose lips” contact. Men are much more free and open while drinking to connect to other men emotionally, because it’s not something that men do while sober. Culture doesn’t allow for it, so most men don’t do it. Alcohol provides the social bonding outlet, as well as an opportunity to “speak one’s mind”.

Things to think about:

• Do you find your self drinking alcohol to avoid people, situations, or feelings?
• Have you fought with your wife or girlfriend around alcohol? Do you fight more with her when you both been drinking? Is your relationship taking a hit because of your drinking?
• Are there competing voices in your head, one of which says to slow down or quit drinking?
• Have you experienced the blues, feel down, isolated and alone?
• Do you have a family history of alcohol abuse or dependence? Did you have a mother or father that drank heavily?
• Are you lying to cover up your drinking, or minimizing the number of drinks that you consume?

Men dealing with fear is one issue that is so common among guys, yet hardly talked about.

Questions to consider:

• How much of a man’s defensive posturing covers up his feelings of fear?
• Are we really that far removed from that scared little 5 or 6 year old boy inside of us?
• How does running from the fear hurt us and our loved ones?

The culture of men has no room for fear in our culture. American culture encourages guys to stuff it, annihilate it, drink it away, or obscure it with enough anger or rage. Men and fear don’t mix: they never have.

From ancient icons of warrior-kings to modern movie archetypes, men have historically been engaged in a war on fear, which has had negative effects on the planet and the environment, as well as in our families and relationships with ourselves.

Instead of staying with the emotional (and often physiological) experience of fear, men run from it. They hide, and, over time, construct fantasies and illusions that feed the fear and make it exponentially larger than it really is. We suppress and avoid the construct of fear, not really the fear itself. “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself,” proclaimed Franklin Delano Roosevelt said in his first inaugural address in 1932. The walls we construct around our fear makes us avoid it more.

We create imaginary sand castle fortresses, when the reality is that when we can truly experience our fear - in a lived, experiential way, and not just thinking about - then it reduces and goes away. Fear, like any emotion, is a natural emotion that needs to be processed. Think bodily functions, or how the body maintains itself in homeostasis.

Dealing with fear is critical to improving our relationships with others, be they business partners, wives and girlfriends, our children or, most importantly, with ourselves. Fear can be dealt with, but it needs acknowledgement. What it doesn’t need is to be swept under the rug anymore, because that just doesn’t work.