1. Stop spending money to impress people, by picking up the tab to impress others, or yourself. Plan on when you’re going to pick up the tab before you even go out, then ask yourself why you’re doing it.
2. Start investing in the things that you value long-term, such as retirement, kids’ college, a trip to Fiji with you wife
3. Agree to make time with your spouse to have a “Money Talk” every month, say on Sunday morning, and talk about not only money logistics, but fears, concerns and stressors associated with money or work.
4. Carry cash: this way, you’ll see your money going out of your hands steadily, and not be divorced from the process of spending money by using a debit or credit card. You’ll have a greater appreciation for the money that you’re making, and parting with.
5. Break the deficiency mentality: This is harder, because a lot of our messages around money we’ve inherited from our parents. If you live in the deficiency mentality, you’ll always feel impoverished and feel like you’re living paycheck to paycheck. Seek out help, such as counseling, to bust up those difficult messages from your family of origin.
6. Before buying a new car or house, ask yourself, “Could I be happier with something less? how will this purchase bring me increase happiness?” Maybe the difference between buying a $35,000 new car, and a $20,000 previously owned car isn’t really all that different. It’s possible that you could be happy with the $20,000 car, and sack away $15,000 into a retirement savings account and achieve a different sense of happiness–one that promotes your long-term well-being.
7. Minimize indulgences: a lot of the time we indulge in things that we don’t really need, simply because we can or we think we should treat ourselves or indulge ourselves. If we train ourselves to buy ourselves things to make ourselves feel good, and don’t really need their own those things, we set ourselves up for trouble. When were feeling blue, or scared, or happy, we then seek out the thrill of buying something new, which only works for a limited time.
8. Remember that people don’t like you or hang out with you for your money, even if you think so. and if they do, it’s probably time to reconsider your friendships. You may be allotting a lot of money towards a lifestyle that is designed more for impression, and less for your own personal satisfaction. Is this you? If so, it may be time to start reconsidering how you’re spending your money, and if the lifestyle you’re living is truly aligned with your own values, or designed to impress others.
9. If she loves you, she’s not always can need to spend money on her. If she’s the right one for you, you will need to bust your ass to buy her things and shower her with gifts. There are plenty of ways that you can show her love, caring and affection that aren’t about gifts, meals, trips or shopping. In fact, most women want you to be able to be emotionally giving, which usually doesn’t require spending money. Guys mix this up all the time. They try to show their carrying affection for women with material things or doing things for them. Save yourself a little the cash and start to tune into what she really wants from you.

Thinking about this topic, I know we’re heading into murky territory, but I’ve been talking with a ton of guys this season where that big question has come up. I think it’s something about the holiday season that makes us look back on our past year and assess both the good and the bad. Do we look back in happiness and success, or do we look back in regret?

The holidays seem to drudge that question up for a lot of people, because I think a lot of otherwise unhappy people want to be able to make a change for themselves with the new year. Relationships are no different. Many people who are unhappy or unsettled in their current relationships start to ask themselves this question around this time of the year, and start to ask themselves if they need to make a change.
This is one of the most difficult questions to ask -  “do I stay or do I go in my relationship or marriage?” This article is not going to answer that question for you, but it’s been a bring up some points for you to think about.

There are some things that make answering that question easier, such as direct physical abuse, a partner who is mired in substance use, or other immediate response needs. I think those types of things need into serious inquiry into the “do I stay or do I go” question.

But, for a lot of men, they ask this question of themselves out of sheer reactivity and hopelessness. Many kind of choose to stay stuck between a rock and a hard place, and never seek out the help that they need, such as couples counseling. For some, it’s more comfortable. For others, it’s just denial.

A lot of times, the question “do I stay?” really means “ can I continue to deal with the problems that I am experiencing currently?” We often end up blaming our partners and creating a certain storyline about them and our relationship, and how it’s going to hell. If we get stuck in those types of thoughts, we’re toast. A lot of relationships and marriages that can be worked on, aren’t.

For men, it’s a little harder to take a look at the things that we are doing to our partners, and to take responsibility for the negative things that we do to them. I think the “do I stay?” question reflects a little bit of this, as well as “can I continue to deal with the negative emotions that come up inside me?” Sometimes, enough suffering drives people out of their comfort zone, where the pain of a bad relationship had become more than they can sit on.

For the guys who are emotionally avoidant already, the next logical question to start asking is “do I go?”. For men who avoid their emotions, and often avoid conflict situations in general, the desire to end a relationship or marriage is logical. It’s just easier to do it that way, and to start over from scratch. Problems are too difficult to work on in this relationship, you might tell yourself. She’s not open to a change, you might tell yourself as well. Or, this is just too much work, and I’m not up to the task, you might end with telling yourself.

I think the biggest question you need to consider is are you asking yourself if you want to flee the relationship based out of reactivity and emotion, or is this a rational, well-thought-out plan? For a lot of men, it’s acting out of reactivity and impulsivity, and that might work briefly in the short term, but not in long-term. We are bound to have to deal with this dynamic again, whether we get back together with our partner, or develop a new relationship with someone else. It’ll still be there.

And then, there is the “I should stay for the children” dilemma. I see a lot of couples wanting to hang in there, despite really difficult problems, for the sake of the kids. Some drudge through miserable marriages because they don’t want to expose their children to break up or divorce. Many times, it’s these guys who were those children in the past, and don’t want to do to their family what it is their parents did to them.

Really making a commitment to hang in there and work on the relationship issues, especially if you feel strongly about your partner, is really the first step. Identifying whether you’re wanting to end the relationship out of the emotion, or whether this is a well-thought-out plan, is one question that you could consider.

A lot of times, even the most hopeless situations can improve with some emotional connection, but it can be difficult for men to both connect to their feelings and to be able to listen to some of their partner’s issues with them and not want to fix those issues (which women often don’t respond well to, but do when you’re present and listening).

Is your relationship or marriage worth saving? Do you feel strongly enough about it, and about her, to start to do the heavy lifting to get your relationship back on track? Some guys do; others don’t. I’m not going to lie to you: it does take some work. But, your relationship is worth it, isn’t it?

Like no other time in the year, the holidays demand that we get quite gluttonous. Starting with gorging ourselves with turkey and stuffing, to im-bibing on New Year’s Eve, the holidays make it easy for us to push rationality aside to indulge in the joyful holiday spirit.

For most, overindulgence happens all across the board, from eating to drinking to spending. Learning how to reduce some of your holiday stress might lower the post-celebratory hangover in January (your relationship and your wallet may thank you later).

Spending too much is pretty much a given for most people during the holidays, but use these tips to help you deal with your holiday money stress:

1. Plan your spending early: Whether you’re trying to decide how much to spend on gifts, eating out or traveling, getting in touch with how much you figure on spending, or setting a budget, can help you deal with some of the post-sticker shock experiences of the new year. Try to get a sense of how many people you’re spending on, plan what events or functions require you to shop, or pick up wine,or get a sense your specific travel expenses may be. Planning early, and setting a budget and sticking to it, will help you not get caught up in the mad consumerism of the holiday season.
2. Understand your reasons for spending money/saying “no”: Gifts and holiday expenses are normal, but going over the top may not be, especially in today’s economic climate. For some, especially people pleasers, the tendency to buy gifts for people so they’ll be happy with us may be going too far. Also, if you are going to holiday parties or events where you feel obligated to, don’t. There may be the obligatory work party that everyone needs to go to, but if there are parties or dinners you’re invited to and you don’t really want to go, and where you can reasonably decline, stay true to yourself and say ‘no’.
3. Communicate with your wife or girlfriend about spending: Talk and plan with the one you love about what the financial expectations are for the season. Are you both on the same page about how much you are wanting to spend, say on the children’s gifts, on each other’s gifts, eating out, etc.? Do you both have the same ideas about how much you think is reasonable to spend? Talk and get on the same page.
4. Use Mint.com: This is one of the best websites out there, for tracking your expenses, setting short term goals, or getting a sense of what parts of your life you spend most in. There are pretty color pie charts and line charts to help illustrate your spending and saving, so you can feel like you’ve got a nice hold on your holiday spending. They’ve got a pretty handy iPhone application to boot, so you can track while you’re shopping.
5. Don’t “emotionally spend”: Emotional spending is probably the majority of what we end up consuming up holidays, whether that’s the impulsive peppermint latte at Starbucks, or that quick $50 photo shoot with Santa for your kids at the mall. Christmas and the holidays have a way of stoking our emotions to open up our wallets, so just be careful that you don’t end up spending out of emotion instead of logic and planning. The retailers and businesses depend on our emotional spending, this time of the year more than any other, but as far as stress goes, it could be better to just leave the house with a firm list.Don’t give into those merry Christmas tunes piped into the store you’re browsing, and buy just on impulse.
6. Watch That Debt: If you can, leave the credit cards at home completely this holiday season. Debt is lessen vogue now, after the chilly economic recession we’re trudging out of. Adding more debt is going to leave you more financially stressed and may push some into depression or anxiety. Debt will make you stress, and why would you want to have more stress to an already stressful season? Leave that credit card of home, and pay with cash. To take it one step beyond, try shopping this season with just a planned wadful of cash. Decide early how much lump sum to to pull out, and use that strictly for your gift shopping this season.

The men who are firmly centered this holiday season are the men who are mindfully spending. Reckless spending’s not good for anyone, except for the credit card companies and retailers. If you’re in a relationship this holiday season, try to use these tips to help you and your partner stay the same page about how you’re both spending money. This will add to a lot less relationship stress, too. Dealing with holiday money stress can be difficult, when we get swept up in the good times and tidings of the holiday season. Watching your money may help you start the new year in a much less stressful way.

The holidays are usually defined as a time of family get-togethers, good food and drink, and relaxation, but for a lot of

Americans, the holidays are truly difficult in a number of ways.

Going into debt, dealing with family conflict, high stress, travel and marital discord, as well as depression and anxiety, characterize the experience of a lot of men these days. With a little planning and preparation, you can usher in the holiday season with minimal conflict, if you’re willing to consider these things:

1. Know your limits: Whether that’s how much money you’re going to spend, how much time you can actually stay any one family member’s home, or how much alcohol you can consume, it’s important know your limits. If you’re not doing things in moderation, you might be burning the candle at both ends. The holidays are a time off from everything that’s stressful, and if you’re creating more stress, you’re not really enjoying the holidays and relaxing. Know your limits, be able to say ‘no’ to others, and to yourself. Practice moderation, and knowing what’s good for you.
2. Watch for holiday mental health hazards: This is a memorable season, and for some, those memories are more haunting than festive. This is a time that we can reflect back on our year, for better for worse. If you’ve experienced a difficult year, whether that be a job loss, death of someone close to you, or general unhappiness or loneliness, the holidays have a way of amplifying those problems to make them seem worse.
   • If you succumb to depression or anxiety, the holidays have a way of bringing those out, too. Depression and anxiety peak around the holidays, so monitor yourself to make sure you don’t fall into these traps. Seek out help or support if you can’t for yourself.
3. Practice effective communication skills: Whether this is to your boss or to your wife or girlfriend, communication is essential during the holiday season. There’s so much going on, and so many opportunities to miscommunicate. So often, our wires get crossed with others because we fail to talk about what we need from them, whether that’s time off from work, spending some time with our guy friends to watch football, or figuring out how to divide the chores and household responsibilities equally. If we can learn to communicate a little bit more effectively than usual, we should be able to glide through the holidays without too much conflict.
4. Don’t avoid conflict: If you’re having an issue with someone, be direct with them and don’t beat around the bush. Holding in frustration or anger is only going to make things worse, whether you’re having an argument with a family member during Thanksgiving or squabbling in that pre-Christmas spat with your loved one, don’t avoid conflict. This is to those guys out there that are notorious conflict avoiders.
   • Also, if you’re drinking, watch the alcohol, because if there are things that are not being said, they may come out way worse if you’re drinking.  And you know how those holiday fights go…
5. Developing a holiday stress management plan: Develop a small stress management program for yourself, and employ it throughout the holidays, even doing it once or twice a week. Whether that’s continuing to work out at the gym, taking a light jog or hike, or doing some yoga, practice stress management because the holidays have a way of eroding your physical and mental well-being. Especially if you’re traveling, you’re going to be subjected to a lot of stress, and so will your immune system. Getting the right sleep, and knowing your limits, are both ways to prevent taking in too much stress during the holidays.
6. Plan: Good planning underlies everything, especially around this time of year. If you’re not a good planner, try to take some steps to help yourself by not creating more stress for yourself and those close to you. Whether that means budgeting for gifts, scheduling shopping, or getting your clothes ready before the morning of your flight out, you’ll be glad you set forth to take care of business before hand. Good planning is going to prevent you and your wife or girlfriend from inevitable stress and conflict, too, which will make her quite happy with you.
7. Create an quick exit strategy: For a lot of people, the holidays spent with family and friends can be a little bit overwhelming, especially if you’re staying with others or they’re staying with you. If you need to get out of the situation, kindly excuse yourself for a bit to get some fresh air or take a quick trip into town. If you’re staying extensively with family for three or four days, it’s important to get a little bit of time away for yourself or for you and your wife, away from family, the kids, whatever. Pace yourself, especially if you’re feeling contentious with a family member or loved one. You’ll be glad you did.

A lot of people have a really difficult time saying no to others in drawing healthy boundaries for themselves. Men struggle with this just as women do. A lot of guys suffer from the “nice guy” syndrome, and often fall into people pleasing behaviors that erode our confidence and self-esteem, and end up getting our power over to other people.

Here’s some things that happen when you can’t draw healthy boundaries for yourself:

1. You end up giving other people power over your decision-making process
2. Anger develops and builds up over time, and usually gets stuffed within us
3. We end up forgetting what it is that we truly want from others, from our lives
4. We end up playing games with other people to get love, attention and affirmation
5. We succumb to the fear that generates our inability to say no to others, and we end up living through fear instead of courage to stand up for ourselves.
6. Our relationships are not as authentic as they could be when we don’t say ‘no’
7. A lot of psychic energy is expended in worrying about what others want from us and designing ways to please them and their needs.
8. We develop a lot of guilt in the process, usually that stays with us and corrodes our well-being and self-esteem.
9. We can succumb to stress, anxiety and depression much more easily when we can’t say no to others.
10. Our lives become contingent on others and on the outside world, instead of contingent on ourselves and what we want from the world.

We devote a lot of energy in the process of pleasing others and not saying ‘no’ to others. It takes a lot of courage to risk doing something different. For most men, unlearning to be the “nice guy” takes a lot of risk and a lot of doing things different. It takes interacting with others in a very different way than what we’ve learned growing up, and development of these tools is essential to taking our selves and our lives back. We have to risk the fear of rejection, which is devastating to the ego, but is ultimately freeing and invigorating. If we can learn to say no to others, and start to say yes to ourselves, we can learn new experience that freedom and not feel dependent on others to give us affection or affirmation, and not reject us, if we don’t say no to others.

For most men, knowing how to deal with our emotions is one of the toughest things we’ve never learned. Growing up, a lot of guys take their cue from their parents’ behavior. Many times, guys grow up modeling how their fathers expressed anger, and either end up stuffing it or exploding. Neither of which really work, and this handbook will give you some other ideas to try in dealing with anger effectively.

1. Talk about your anger in a way that’s productive: too many guys hold in their anger and end up hurting themselves, or withdrawing from other people, including their partners. Learn to find a middle way between stopping your anger, and exploding out from it. It may be scary, but it’s way more worthwhile than not talking about it. Talking about your anger in a productive way will lessen the secondary effects of it down the road.
2. Deal with stress: usually, our inability to handle our stress can lead to anger, or sometimes the reverse. when we’re angry, we often label it “stress.” Often times, if you deal with the stress, you can deal with the anger. Some day-to-day stress is helpful in motivating ourselves, and is to be expected, but usually stress undermines us mentally, physically and emotionally when we haven’t dealt adequately with it. We often end up skipping meals, fail to attend to our daily tasks, forget to take care of ourselves, and don’t get enough sleep. On top of that, many guys do with stress through alcohol consumption, which has a number of negative effects that aggravates stress and anger. If we can learn to deal our own stress, we may help to alleviate some of the angry feelings that we are experiencing as a result.
3. Exploding on others won’t work:  you’ll just end up alienating others from you when you explode in anger. Also, watch criticizing others, using sarcasm to get your point across, laughing at others, and other indirect forms of expressing anger, because these things will have the same effects in distancing other people from you. It’ll push people away, leave people angry with you, and put you in a more troubling situation. If you explode on others at work, it may end up costing you more than you expected. If you continually exploding your intimate relationship, you end up undermining the very person that you care about most.
4. Check-in with yourself and ask yourself this question: what am I meeting that I’m not getting–from this person, from the situation, from myself? It could be that the anger is coming from a delayed need gratification. If we can learn to figure out what it is that we And (sometimes it’s just food, other times it’s a need to be listened to or heard), we can communicate that more clearly to the people that can meet that need, instead of getting angry with them or the situation and pushing them away from us.
5. Get in touch with the physical sensation of anger: usually, if we’re attentive, we can locate the feeling of anger in our bodies. If we allow the feelings to come up inside of ourselves (usually located in our chest/heart area or our stomachs) we can sit with the physical sensation of feeling angry and let it start to pass on its own. We continue to create more suffering the more we feed our anger with our thoughts, so if we can learn to sit with the actual, physical experience of anger, it usually ends up turning into something else, such as pain, sadness, or hurt. It may be more difficult to sit with these new emotions, but you can learn to train yourself to help those feelings pass in a shorter amount of time it you can pay attention to how anger manifests in your body in the present moment.
6. In relationship fighting, preserve yourself: most men need some space when they are fighting with their intimate partner, such as their wife or girlfriend. It’s okay to take some time out and get the space that you need, so long as you communicate with your partner about it. Men need to distance themselves to be able to pick themselves back up, so know that this is okay. The problem comes in when she thinks that you are distancing yourself because you don’t love her, or don’t care, and other problems come from that. Be sure to tell her that you need some space, and that you’ll come back in, say 30 min., to continue talking or working out whatever argument you were talking about. If you find yourself withdrawing or avoiding her totally, this becomes a problem that you might want to seek help for from a counselor.
7. Practice relaxation techniques to help clear your mind and filter your anger: try something new, such as yoga, tai chi, or sitting meditation. There are plenty of good books and CDs out there, and you can even find many of them for free at your local public library. There are plenty of classes out there too, so for all you single guys, sign up for one of these because this is where the women usually frequent. Women like guys who take care of themselves, and you’ll be sure do kill two birds with one stone by taking a yoga class, and working on your stress and anger at the same time.
8. Find an outlet: for some guys, hitting the gym is the perfect anger management technique. Some guys like to box, and other guys like to run it out, but take your own outlet and make it a part of your everyday lifestyle. I know some guys that like to journal, hike in the mountains by themselves, write songs, or even fill water balloons and throw them against a wall, but choose whatever it takes to help purge yourself of the anger, whatever that looks like that works for you.
9. Just be angry: usually this is really hard, because we make up all sorts of stories around being angry. We prevent ourselves from actually feeling angry, because were too preoccupied with the “what is this all mean” thinking. We get afraid of our own anger, and make up stories about how we are (or not) an “angry guy”. Usually the stories that we make up around being angry prevent us from actually being angry. We usually have trouble, because we learned growing up that being angry was not okay, so we stop it, explode, turn into a nice guy that can say no, whatever. The story lines that we make about being angry are not the same as actually being angry, so be aware of what you tell yourself when you get angry.
10. Deal with the shame: for most guys, shame overshadows anger, because for a lot of us growing up, anger was not able to be easily expressed in our childhood. Instead, we suffered shame, and this cripples our ability to deal with anger effectively. When we feel ashamed, we hide, and we turn inwards instead of dealing with our anger outwards. If you can deal with the shame, you may be able to deal with anger, too. Talk about it with someone you trust, like your partner, or seek out professional counseling to help you deal with the shame.

Men universally struggle with the issue of anger, so know that there are plenty of men out there that are having a hard time with their anger, too. Try some of these strategies to help you deal with your anger when it takes hold. Create an effective anger prevention system in your life, and you’ll turnaround the anger that holds you back from optimizing the relationships, work life and peace of mind that you seek.

It’s easy to compare ourselves to others when you’re feeling insecure about our own selves or situations. When we get into comparing ourselves to others, we get into a never-ending cycle of wishing and wanting, and not feeling good enough about our own selves or our own performance.

When we’re feeling low, the natural tendency to start to want to be someone else or have what someone else has is natural. Our minds start to generate a lot of fantasies and wishes to be “the next guy.” we may want what we perceive they have: a nice car, a better marriage, more confidence, or whatever. The reality is, we really just don’t know what they have and what they don’t have, because other men display their social personalities which may be a lot different from what’s actually happening inside of them. When we compare ourselves to them (or what we think is them), we are actually comparing ourselves to our fantasies of what we think they are or what it is that they have. The fact is, we really don’t know, and we end up comparing ourselves to something that might be more of an illusion then reality.

When we get into comparing ourselves with others, it’s more of a reflection about how we are feeling down about ourselves. If we can learn how to deal with ourselves instead of seeking out fulfillment from other people, by striving to be what it is that we think that they are, we can learn to stop the cycle of suffering and striving, and start to deal with our own unhappiness or self image.

This is really hard to do, because we exist in a culture that thrives on comparing ourselves to other people. If we don’t have the right job, where the right close, have the right mate or live a certain lifestyle, we are not as worthy, according to our culture. Consumerism is based on us striving and not being content with what we have, and so we get predisposed at an early age to compare ourselves to others, or even ourselves, about what we need to own, need to be, or need to think. This is a black hole that is never-ending, and it doesn’t produce ultimate satisfaction and positive self-esteem.

Even comparing ourselves to ourselves is a problem. Often times, our inner dialogue is dominated by our self critic, which shames us and blames us for not being good enough, not having enough, and not doing enough. A lot of men struggle with shame as a result, and tend to be depressed, anxious, or generally withdrawal from others as a result of struggling with their inner critic. Comparing ourselves to others is merely a symptom of comparing ourselves to ourselves, and we can start to deal with our self critic or the voice inside of us that negates us and says “we’re not enough,” we can start to take a hard look at that which generates our unhappiness.

Here are some things to think about when comparing ourselves to others, or even ourselves:

• Try to reframe your comparisons to others: question your comparison to others, and consider that your comparison may not be accurate; the reality may be more than meets the eye.
• Try fantasizing about what would happen if you were to actually gain or attain that which are striving to get. What would that look like? instead of spending summers mental energy fantasizing about what you don’t have, what you’re not, and what you’d like to be, actually create a mental projection of how it would be to actually be that way/own that thing/act in that way. What would life be like when you were to be at that point? Would you be happy then?
• Shift the ” locus of evaluation” from outside to inside: instead of comparing yourselves others outside of yourself, try turning the conversation inwards. try to look at the comparisons that you make against yourself, and start to make note of those things. Try writing the comparisons down in a journal, or talking about it with your mate or spouse.
• Usually our comparisons and strivings are a mental game we play with ourselves. If you can sit back, relax, and sink into the felt sense your body, behind the mental comparisons, how does that feel? if you’re struggling with a feeling of “not good enough”, let that sensation, inside of your body, maybe in your heart, shoulders, or stomach. A lot of times, we just don’t tune into what our body is telling us, and instead let our minds drive us on autopilot. We convince ourselves that the mental comparisons are reality, and in fact, they are not.

These are just a couple of things to think about to help you reduce your energy investment in comparison to other people. As long as were caught in this never-ending cycle of comparing ourselves to other people, ourselves, or external situations, we will never be ultimately happy because were going to keep striving and not reach the finish line.

For a lot of men, living a life suppressing their true sexuality is living a lie. Some guys find themselves questioning their sexual orientation years into an otherwise successful marriage. When they are finally ready to trust their gut, and admit their own personal truth, the consequences can seem devastating.

When struggling men finally start to own their truth about their homosexuality, they are confronted with a myriad of issues. Perhaps the most prominent struggle lies in the actual coming out as a gay man. The process is confusing, and challenges men’s resilience to a host of potential dissenters: dealing with society and culture, dealing with themselves, getting the support of friends and family, and, most importantly, navigating the relationships that will now be altered as a result.

Gay men who have been living as a married straight man have to confront the end of their marriage, as well as the fallout of coming out to their wives or girlfriends. At times, it’s the wives and girlfriends who may have suspected it from the beginning; it’s the men who may not have woken up to it until much later, until they started trusting their gut. For guys with kids, it becomes a real struggle to assure their children that they are the same good father and provider but they’ve always been, and yet things will be different. It’s really hard to have to both deal with our own changing sense of identity, as well as to be present to the children’s confusion and feelings having to do with not just their father’s coming-out process, but of the end of their parents marriage. This is a multi-faceted issue that requires precision, care, compassion and time.

Redefining themselves as a gay man, and having to reconcile their previous lives as straight married man, takes a lot of work takes a lot of work and encourage. Family and friends may have a very difficult time understanding this at first, and the initial effects of coming out, ending a marriage, and redefining relationships may all seem difficult and overwhelming. But for these men who are trying to live their truth, it’s a process of self-actualization that takes time, compassion towards self and others, and an ability to see clearly into themselves.

If we look closely enough, we find that a lot of our behavior we can trace back to messages that we received growing up from our families of origin, or, more specifically, from our parents. As small children, our parents are our original models, and we learn about how the world works from them.

A lot of those messages we need to incorporate into our worldview for survival. Unfortunately, many of those messages are outdated, and continue to run like tapes in our brain. Those outdated tapes may continue to play on loop, and our behaviors, emotions, and thoughts are a product of those repeating messages. The relationships that we get into as adults are, in some part, formed from those outdated tapes. We learn plenty of good things from our parents about relationships; we also learn plenty of things that just don’t help us.

Challenging your family of origin messages, or those negative tapes, is the first step towards awareness and waking up to the fact that those tapes or messages can be changed.

Specifically, a lot of our ways of thinking about critical issues come from our parents: money, sex, intimacy, gender roles, professional images, how we fight in relationships, and all types of negative behaviors. We incorporate those messages into our experiences, and have varying degrees of awareness about them.

For men, a lot of the messages about stuffing your emotions, the message that “real men don’t cry”, and about learning how to withdraw, come from having learned those behaviors from a parent growing up, often times from a guys dad. When we get conscious of those  messages, we try to fight them, and sometimes succeed, and sometimes don’t. We often live in overcompensation mode, where we’ll “work harder, be better, be kinder, make more money,” and everything against what a parent did originally.

We have to challenge your family of origin messages to be able to grow up on our own. As long as we carry within us negative family of origin messages that are outdated, we stay stuck in the past and don’t consider alternative ways of being, and lose out on the chance to grow through those messages.

If we’re wanting to develop more confidence and better self-esteem, we have to deal with those early messages that communicated to us that we’re not good enough. If we want to develop healthier lifestyle choices, it may be that we have to face some ways of being that we’ve taken for granted, and have learned from our parents over the years. If we want to learn how to be a better money manager, it may benefit us to take a look at the internalized family tapes that play around money and the problems that result.

Challenging your family of origin messages is difficult. Many times, men stay complacent and don’t really challenge the status quo, where those tapes lie. If we can learn to become aware of some of those negative messages that play, we weaken certain challenge them and incorporate new messages that really will work for us. Change is difficult, and sometimes submitting to those early messages is just more convenient. The promise of being set free through shedding those messages is a promise you can’t afford not to make.

Unhappiness usually begins with ourselves. Other people may trigger us to feel negative or down, but were largely responsible for our own selves. How we communicate with ourselves is often an indicator of personal happiness. Self talk, or the inner dialogue that we have with ourselves, is something that people are not always aware of as it’s happening. We’re usually pretty reactive to people and situations, and tend to forget what’s happening behind the scenes, or how we’re talking to ourselves. The reality is that so often, we are wrapped up in negative self talk and verbal abuse towards ourselves. Being caught up in this kind of self talk makes it really difficult to connect with ourselves in a healthy way, and, consequently, to relate to others in a kinder, friendlier fashion.

Upon his first experience of Western self-criticism, the Dalai Lama was puzzled. In Tibet, where he’s from, there was no concept of a self critic. When I read this, I was impressed. As Americans, we’re so embroiled in negative self talk and beating up on ourselves, it never occurred to me that other cultures might find this a curiosity.

When we get into negative self talk, it’s usually centered around the idea that “I’m just not good enough.” we may have grown up with these messages, from our families of origin, and have been reinforced through other institutions, like school, church, and sports. We internalized these messages so many times, and after enough repetition, began to believe. So, as adults, we identify strongly with that negative inner critic. The problem is, we’re much more than that.

When you find yourself speaking harshly to yourself, beating up on or generally feeling negative towards yourself, remember that there are ways to deal with this. Here’s some important ideas to remember:

• The inner self critic is not truly who you are
• It developed over continual messaging and reinforcement while growing up
• We often strive to quiet the voice, usually with working harder to overcompensate
• This negative self critic is often a symptom of how we feel inferior, or just not good enough, to ourselves or others.
• There is most often times pain, fear or sadness underlying the experience of the negative self critic. Sometimes, it’s important to get in touch with the felt sense in our bodies, rather than continuing to intellectually feed the negative self critic with more negative thoughts.
• Practicing kindness with your self is the best gift that you can get yourself. It will spill out onto how you treat others. rehearse validating yourself for doing good work, setting aside time to take care of yourself or have downtime, and generally start to improve the relationship with yourself first.
• Remember that if you’re feeling critical overly critical or judgmental of others, you may be doing that to yourself first.
• Building positive self-esteem and better confidence comes from learning to change the inner verbal dialogue with ourselves.

Dealing with our inner self critic is tricky. It’s easier sometimes to just say what’s wrong with other people, or put our problems on the world, but looking inward and seeing the inner mental chaos that often drives us, we see a different picture. Changing the nature of how we relate to and treat ourselves is the first step towards more happiness and personal freedom.