For a lot of men, living a life suppressing their true sexuality is living a lie. Some guys find themselves questioning their sexual orientation years into an otherwise successful marriage. When they are finally ready to trust their gut, and admit their own personal truth, the consequences can seem devastating.

When struggling men finally start to own their truth about their homosexuality, they are confronted with a myriad of issues. Perhaps the most prominent struggle lies in the actual coming out as a gay man. The process is confusing, and challenges men’s resilience to a host of potential dissenters: dealing with society and culture, dealing with themselves, getting the support of friends and family, and, most importantly, navigating the relationships that will now be altered as a result.

Gay men who have been living as a married straight man have to confront the end of their marriage, as well as the fallout of coming out to their wives or girlfriends. At times, it’s the wives and girlfriends who may have suspected it from the beginning; it’s the men who may not have woken up to it until much later, until they started trusting their gut. For guys with kids, it becomes a real struggle to assure their children that they are the same good father and provider but they’ve always been, and yet things will be different. It’s really hard to have to both deal with our own changing sense of identity, as well as to be present to the children’s confusion and feelings having to do with not just their father’s coming-out process, but of the end of their parents marriage. This is a multi-faceted issue that requires precision, care, compassion and time.

Redefining themselves as a gay man, and having to reconcile their previous lives as straight married man, takes a lot of work takes a lot of work and encourage. Family and friends may have a very difficult time understanding this at first, and the initial effects of coming out, ending a marriage, and redefining relationships may all seem difficult and overwhelming. But for these men who are trying to live their truth, it’s a process of self-actualization that takes time, compassion towards self and others, and an ability to see clearly into themselves.

If we look closely enough, we find that a lot of our behavior we can trace back to messages that we received growing up from our families of origin, or, more specifically, from our parents. As small children, our parents are our original models, and we learn about how the world works from them.

A lot of those messages we need to incorporate into our worldview for survival. Unfortunately, many of those messages are outdated, and continue to run like tapes in our brain. Those outdated tapes may continue to play on loop, and our behaviors, emotions, and thoughts are a product of those repeating messages. The relationships that we get into as adults are, in some part, formed from those outdated tapes. We learn plenty of good things from our parents about relationships; we also learn plenty of things that just don’t help us.

Challenging your family of origin messages, or those negative tapes, is the first step towards awareness and waking up to the fact that those tapes or messages can be changed.

Specifically, a lot of our ways of thinking about critical issues come from our parents: money, sex, intimacy, gender roles, professional images, how we fight in relationships, and all types of negative behaviors. We incorporate those messages into our experiences, and have varying degrees of awareness about them.

For men, a lot of the messages about stuffing your emotions, the message that “real men don’t cry”, and about learning how to withdraw, come from having learned those behaviors from a parent growing up, often times from a guys dad. When we get conscious of those  messages, we try to fight them, and sometimes succeed, and sometimes don’t. We often live in overcompensation mode, where we’ll “work harder, be better, be kinder, make more money,” and everything against what a parent did originally.

We have to challenge your family of origin messages to be able to grow up on our own. As long as we carry within us negative family of origin messages that are outdated, we stay stuck in the past and don’t consider alternative ways of being, and lose out on the chance to grow through those messages.

If we’re wanting to develop more confidence and better self-esteem, we have to deal with those early messages that communicated to us that we’re not good enough. If we want to develop healthier lifestyle choices, it may be that we have to face some ways of being that we’ve taken for granted, and have learned from our parents over the years. If we want to learn how to be a better money manager, it may benefit us to take a look at the internalized family tapes that play around money and the problems that result.

Challenging your family of origin messages is difficult. Many times, men stay complacent and don’t really challenge the status quo, where those tapes lie. If we can learn to become aware of some of those negative messages that play, we weaken certain challenge them and incorporate new messages that really will work for us. Change is difficult, and sometimes submitting to those early messages is just more convenient. The promise of being set free through shedding those messages is a promise you can’t afford not to make.

Unhappiness usually begins with ourselves. Other people may trigger us to feel negative or down, but were largely responsible for our own selves. How we communicate with ourselves is often an indicator of personal happiness. Self talk, or the inner dialogue that we have with ourselves, is something that people are not always aware of as it’s happening. We’re usually pretty reactive to people and situations, and tend to forget what’s happening behind the scenes, or how we’re talking to ourselves. The reality is that so often, we are wrapped up in negative self talk and verbal abuse towards ourselves. Being caught up in this kind of self talk makes it really difficult to connect with ourselves in a healthy way, and, consequently, to relate to others in a kinder, friendlier fashion.

Upon his first experience of Western self-criticism, the Dalai Lama was puzzled. In Tibet, where he’s from, there was no concept of a self critic. When I read this, I was impressed. As Americans, we’re so embroiled in negative self talk and beating up on ourselves, it never occurred to me that other cultures might find this a curiosity.

When we get into negative self talk, it’s usually centered around the idea that “I’m just not good enough.” we may have grown up with these messages, from our families of origin, and have been reinforced through other institutions, like school, church, and sports. We internalized these messages so many times, and after enough repetition, began to believe. So, as adults, we identify strongly with that negative inner critic. The problem is, we’re much more than that.

When you find yourself speaking harshly to yourself, beating up on or generally feeling negative towards yourself, remember that there are ways to deal with this. Here’s some important ideas to remember:

• The inner self critic is not truly who you are
• It developed over continual messaging and reinforcement while growing up
• We often strive to quiet the voice, usually with working harder to overcompensate
• This negative self critic is often a symptom of how we feel inferior, or just not good enough, to ourselves or others.
• There is most often times pain, fear or sadness underlying the experience of the negative self critic. Sometimes, it’s important to get in touch with the felt sense in our bodies, rather than continuing to intellectually feed the negative self critic with more negative thoughts.
• Practicing kindness with your self is the best gift that you can get yourself. It will spill out onto how you treat others. rehearse validating yourself for doing good work, setting aside time to take care of yourself or have downtime, and generally start to improve the relationship with yourself first.
• Remember that if you’re feeling critical overly critical or judgmental of others, you may be doing that to yourself first.
• Building positive self-esteem and better confidence comes from learning to change the inner verbal dialogue with ourselves.

Dealing with our inner self critic is tricky. It’s easier sometimes to just say what’s wrong with other people, or put our problems on the world, but looking inward and seeing the inner mental chaos that often drives us, we see a different picture. Changing the nature of how we relate to and treat ourselves is the first step towards more happiness and personal freedom.

One of the worst things that men can do with their anger is to stuff it inside themselves. Anger accumulates over time, and can and be expressed quite explosively without other outlets. Stuffing your anger helps no one, even if it’s a temporary fix to deal with a difficult situation in the present.

What men traditionally do are two things: one, they stuff their anger, withdraw from conflict, and usually say nothing. On the flipside, some men get explosive or rageful. The latter can mean several things. For these men who feel out of control and hopeless without an outlet, they break things, hit walls, and generally have no feeling that there is an outlet for their anger. With either of these two ways of dealing with anger, both are quite ineffective at communicating efficiently and directly with others, who are often the source of what we need and want.

Anger is often a function of needs not being met, and is a layer of emotional experience that masks other, deeper emotions like fear, hurt, sadness, loss. Those primary emotions are very difficult for men to express, because many men don’t or can’t risk the thought of emotional expression to those that are closest to them, such as their wives and girlfriends.

Our culture creates messages that make it very difficult for men to emote. We live in a culture of  traditional masculinity which states that to “be a man,” a “real” man doesn’t cry or show emotional vulnerability. Anger is a much more socially acceptable experience to have, because having the rest of the deeper, primary emotions is not socially acceptable in our culture.

How can you deal effectively with your anger instead of stuffing or exploding? Here are some tips in how to communicate anger more effectively:

• Ask yourself this question: ” What am I really needing right now in this moment? What do I need or want from the person or situation that has upset me?”
• Identify the trigger person/ statement/ event that has ignited your anger. many times, men get angry, but they can’t connect their anger to what actually caused it. Identifying the causal relationship to your experience of anger sounds like common sense, but for many men, it’s not, especially when their anger takes over and it blinds rational thinking.
• Get in touch with the experience of anger. What’s most destructive is when we see our anger with negative thoughts. Anger feeds off of negative thinking, and when were angry we tend to lose awareness of all of the negative thoughts that are contributing to our experience of anger. Breaking that cycle is quick and often easy, except that it requires paying attention to our “felt sense” of anger, whether that’s in your chest or heart region, in your shoulders, in the pit of your stomach. Sitting with that physical experience for as long as you can, often times you’ll find that the anger shifts into deeper emotions, or gradually dissipates on its own.
• Try to communicate verbally that ” I’m angry”, and take a risk to say it to the person that you’re upset with, like your wife or girlfriend. If you own your anger, and don’t criticize, judge, or threaten the other person, they are much more likely to hear you and continue talking through the problem.
• Take care of yourself. don’t internalize the anger, or flip it back on yourself. Many guys want to go into wall, or do something irrational. The pressure and seen that builds up from anger is great, and the need to release it is just as great. Taking a step out of the situation, taking a short drive your car, going to the gym – these are all very effective, short-term strategies to help you cope immediately with your anger. But, they are not long-term solutions.
• If you need to withdraw, lead yourself withdraw. State to the person, “hey, I think I need a quick break. I’m really angry, and I need some cooling off time.” respect your need to withdraw from the person or situation. This is a very good coping strategy for demand for the short-term, but again, it’s not a long-term strategy.
• Continue to work your stress management routine every week, whether that’s rigorous exercise, hitting the gym, meditating, having time for yourself, or doing whatever you need to do to help yourself relax. Stay away from sugar, caffeine, nicotine, and other stimulants or depressants that will affect your experience of your ability or anger.

Anger is a really difficult emotional experience to deal with. Most men have a very hard time dealing with and communicating their anger in a way that works for both them and the person that they’re trying to communicate with. the fact that you’ve committed to dealing with your anger in a healthy way shows that you want to control and change that which is not working for you. Keep at it, because this is a long-term strategy, and know that as you continue to work on it, it’ll get easier.

One of the worst experiences men tell me they have is one of feeling detached from the world, or numb. In this state, it’s kind of like not really “being there”, but feeling detached from others, your own body and from your life in general.

Being able to recognize this numbness is a huge step. A lot of guys simply drift through their days, without even being able to label what they’re experiencing.

Sometimes, we, as men, shut ourselves down to cope or deal with situations that may be too difficult, too scary, or simply too “unattainable.” We psych ourselves out, tell ourselves a certain narrative about how we think the situation is (when it may be completely different), and then believe that new narrative. For example, we may tell ourselves that “work sucks – that’s just the way it is.” And we may then alter our behaviors and our general experience around that narrative. We may comply with that narrative, and that becomes our experience. And, as an unfortunate result, we may go numb in the process.

Men who go numb try to cope with adverse situations. We shut down, as men do. We try to make “the best of a shitty situation.” We tell ourselves “it is what it is,” and submit to the problem instead of working on it. We bunker down, and go within ourselves, and just learn to integrate the adversity into our lives. It’s like walking around with a broken arm, saying to yourself, “Oh, it’s not really that bad. I’ve still got another one.” Through rationalization and denial, we make a bad situation a little less bad, but certainly suffer the consequences if we go numb.

Numbness implies that your vital life energy has been blocked or frozen. Generally, unless we can get the energy and vitality flowing again, we continue to bask in the numb state.

• Difficulty communicating or “connecting” to emotions (also known as ‘normative male alexythymia’)
• Hard time expressing angry feelings
• “Fuzzy” quality to things, experiences, people, food, etc.
• Low energy, or constant fatigue
• Don’t feel like you’re ‘in’ your life
• Poor sleep
• Feel irritable with others
• Don’t want to associate with others
• Generally don’t enjoy the activities you once did
• Not feeling like you’re ‘in’ your own body; not aware of body movements, etc.

Many of the symptoms described above also describe depression. For men, it’s difficult to know or admit that we’re depressed, and we could experience a state of depression as a constant numbing experience. In fact, we may be depressed, and just not know it, or admit it to ourselves. Male-type depression is a little different from the depression that women experience. Studies show that almost two-thirds of men who were actively suffering from depression didn’t get the help they needed.

When we’re numb, we miss out on living. We miss out on our lives, and the people in it, which breeds guilt and unresolved feelings within us.

What to do when you’re numb:

• Admit to yourself that you’re detached, numb, etc. Start talking about it with someone you trust.
• Seek help. A good counselor can help you hone in on what the numbness is pointing to, and set you up on a treatment plan to address the issues that underlie the numbing and detached feelings.
• Try yoga. Yoga gives perks all the way around, including getting you in your body and freeing up some of the blocks that promote the numb state
• Practice breathing exercises: one of the best, and time-efficient, ways to get back into your body is through conscious breathing. Try this at your desk. For five minutes, close your eyes and focus on your breathing. This serves to reembody us when we’ve strayed from ourselves.
• Stay off the alcohol, caffeine, and drugs. It’s tempting to want to use these substances to deal, but they only make things worse They interrupt precious sleep, leave you more depressed, and alter your experience of being in your body to begin with.
• Engage in rigorous exercise: mountain bike, hike, jog and generally do things to “re-embody” yourself. These activities are also cheap antidepressants, and can help you feel less numb and detached.
• Make a list of the things that are unsatisfying for you: start to ask yourself, “What do I put off and not deal with, that needs my attention?” It may be that your numbness is related to one of these issues, and starting to address the underlying issues.
• See if you’re struggling with anger. Make a list of the things you’re angry about, and see if there are any unattended issues there. Sometimes, numbness is inverted anger, and men are notoriously poor at expressing their anger effectively.

These are some tips to get you feeling less numb and detached. Have you experienced numbness and detachment in your life? What do you do to cope? Hopefully, some of these tips you can integrate soon, and get your feeling more present in your life.

Anger and nice guys don’t mix very well. Because nice guys are known to stuff their emotions, and anger is an emotion, the cycle of avoidance never gets broken. Nice guys get angry because their needs aren’t being met, and most times, nice guys don’t even know what they need. They’re swimming in the dark, yet live in a world that they need to interact with. Because life is a series of interactions and interplay between needs and need gratification, lack of awareness about what those needs are leads to a lack of gratifying them.

So what do I mean by “needs”? I think we can all agree on the general definition of what needs are, because we have many different layers of them. We have a need to eat, to sleep, to excrete, and to have sex. Higher order needs are also needs, and include needs for love, validation, understanding, compassion, and avoidance of pain. As people, we also have a need for pleasure. The list can be quite infinite, and will vary drastically between different people.

Whereas I have a need to be validated for my efforts as a relationship partner or as a business owner, the next guy may have very different needs. He may need power, and may seek that out through a variety of different channels. The basic motivation to get those needs met will be so different for each person, so it’s really hard to set one standard of needs for everyone. This is where it gets tough, because many mail clients that I work with who don’t know how to recognize their own needs, end up comparing and contrasting themselves and their needs to their friends, family, and culture in general. Although our culture and society has some generally universal needs, they vary by degrees.

How does anger factor into all of this, you ask? I think that when men’s needs to go unmet and unattended to, they do not goaway. Instead, they lie dormant and mutate into other types of feelings. Anger is a byproduct of not getting those needs met. Although there are other emotions underlying anger — like sadness, emptiness, helplessness or loss of control — those are emotions that are even more obscured with most men today.

If you can picture the cross-section of an Everlasting Gobstopper, you’ll see that it would be comprised of layer upon layer of coatings. Imagine emotions are like a Gobstopper: they are many in number and layer similarly. At the core, we have emotions that consists of sadness, emptiness, pain, loss of control, and other very basic emotions. Go out one more layer and we find the more “empowering” emotions, like anger. Anger empowers us to act, and yet is an outer layer that obscures the more basic emotions. For many guys — especially nice guys — continue to go out to one more layer and you’ll find a layer of fear.

Fear of anger is a whole different matter. Many guys are just simply too afraid of their own anger or rage, so they end up stuffing it and coating it with a layer of fear. The fear layer then translates into behaviors that communicate that fear when there are situations or people that trigger the anger. Instead of getting angry, a lot of guys are so disconnected from their own anger and go to the fear place immediately. They shut their whole emotional system down, and continue to compress their emotions and avoid them. This is a disastrous cycle, because these men are muzzling themselves every time they are provoked. I’m not suggesting that they fly into a fit of rage and put her fist through the wall. What I am suggesting is that getting in touch with that basic experience of anger is an important first step to recognizing that it even exists.

The whole thing for nice guys: they’re not going to express their anger because it will lead to devastating to actually express the anger to the recipient. Instead, nice guys will swallow their anger, where it ends up mutating into much worse problems for the host nice guy.

So what happens to the anger when a nice guy stuffs it? A lot of things. Because the anger is not being communicated directly to the people that need here at, it ferments within a nice guy. But anger needs to come out in some way, and it often comes out through the forms of sarcasm, criticism, self-criticism, superiority, judgmentality, and on the other end of spectrum, rage and acting out physically.

A lot of nice guys are also smart guys. Smart guys being who they are often reside in their heads most of the time. The very skills and abilities that smart guys have used to create success in their lives, such as in their professional lives, are the worst skills to deal with anger. Smart guys also have the unique ability to intellectualize their anger, and this is another form of fermenting that anger loves. When I talk to guys who come in because they can’t deal with their anger, we always end up talking about how they try to “think their way out of their anger”, but it never works. I was asked them “so how is it worked for you up until this point?” These guys usually say, “well, not to good. on here and counseling now aren’t I?”

This tendency to intellectualize our anger is a real problem. We become hamsters in our own mental wheels, spinning ourselves into a mental oblivion. We also try to apply those same election will skills to solving our marriage and relationship problems, and those skills and tools are about not very successful to fixing those problems.

When nice guys get mad after having said “yes”, they tend to stuff that voice within them that really doesn’t want to say “yes”. By not saying ‘no’, these guys swallow what they really want because they’re too afraid that and they’ll be rejected by saying ‘no’. And this phenomenon plays out in all sorts of areas of the guy’s life: work, friendships, intimate relationships, within family relationships and on and on.

Stuffing anger is a real problem, because anger slowly builds up over time when it gets stuffed. Each incident of stuffing one’s anger and not saying no creates a compounding effect, where people to comes more difficult to say no and anger festers even more. Others may even notice that we where anger on our faces or in our behavior, and not know why. We may not even know why we’re angry, and not connect the dots to know that by not saying no to others when we don’t mean it, creates this cause-and-effect relationship.

For a lot of men who can’t say no, they have to release their anger in some way. This often comes out in a variety of ways, that we’ll identify here:

• drinking alcohol to cover up anger
• acting more feeling superior to others
• being overly critical or judgmental of others, or oneself
• feeling stressed all the time, and not knowing why
• feeling stressed all the time, and knowing why, but not doing anything about it
• feeling like the “weight of the world” is on them
• feeling like they’re working too hard
• concerned that others don’t appreciate what they’re doing
• working too hard in general
• feeling constantly angry, or even rageful
• getting physically angry, and doing things like putting your fist through the doors or walls
• not taking care of themselves, or not knowing how to

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Ah, yes. Negativity. It erodes ourselves and our relationships. Many of us are so under it’s spell, we don’t even know that we spew it the world.

What’s really behind all this negativity? Let’s take a look at several vantage points on negativity:

Anger: When we’re unresolved in our anger, we tend to have negative thoughts and feelings, which leads us to usually verbal negativity. As long as we haven’t dealt with the anger inside our ourselves, we stay negative. Negativity is more of an intellectual construct; anger, on the other hand, is more of an emotion that we can transform, if we can get in touch with it.

Superiority: we we think we’re better than others, and posture ourselves in the world as more superior to them.

Criticism: Usually, we criticize others because we can’t get what we need from them directly, or we are posturing ourselves as superior over them. Being critical is often something learned when we were young; it might have been a way that a parent interacted with us. We internalized that at some point, channelled the criticism onto ourselves (the self-critic), and then out onto other people. It’s not really a direct way of dealing with others.

Victimization: is when we play the victim to our lives. Often times, this entails being negative about the world, and prevents us from taking full ownership of the problem ourselves. It’s much harder to own responsibility for our situation, than blame others, especially our family, work situations or partners, for our unhappiness.

Unhappiness: We may be generally unhappy, and might not be admitting it to ourselves. Sometimes, to stop and say to ourselves, “You know, I think I’m unhappy,” is the beginning of taking ownership for our situation. As long as we hinge our happiness onto other’s wagons, we also allow for them to disappoint us, too. We need others for happiness, but sometimes we take this too far.

Stress: When we’re stressed, negativity is sometimes a byproduct of our stress. We’re tired, irritable, or just plain can’t find anything positive or joyful to look at. Good stress management is critical to dealing with negativity. By learning to lower our stress, we take responsibility for ourselves, and make others happier in the meanwhile. Lower stress levels mean less negativity.

Negativity addiction: this is more engrained, but there are plenty of people who need to be negative, because their whole identity is invested in it. If they were to not be negative, who would they be? We identify ourselves as many things in life, and, unfortunately, some of those identifications are neurotic or not growth-promoting. Many people whose identities are negative in nature may, unconsciously, feel like they need those to be who they need to be. Usually, when we let go of the negativity, we have to be with ourselves and re-create ourselves. It’s a very difficult thing to do; negativity acts like a security blanket we just don’t give up.

1. Not overworking to the point of exhaustion. Ask yourself, “Are there parts of work I can do less of for my own health and happiness?”
2. Eat right: There are foods that will aggravate stress, and foods that will sedate stress. Try cutting down or quitting caffeinated and sugary drinks and foods that increase stress levels. Try eating more complex carbohydrates, lean meats and fish, and vegetables and fruits.
3. Getting daily exercise: This is a tough one, because it’s really hard to make a regular schedule to exercise and get to the gym. It can be work in itself. This is a lifestyle change, not an instantaneous  “hit the gym once in a while” thing, so pace yourself. Stress happens over time, and your stress combat plan should develop over the long term.
4. Practice relaxation: Yoga, meditation, even mindful breathing are all superior techniques to help reduce stress.
5. Network development: Many times, guys don’t have anyone to talk to. They might not talk with their other male friends, and their wife or girlfriend may be stressed in her own way. Making the outlet to talk and creating a support network is essential to stress management. Without it, we end up stuffing stress, letting it fester and building it up over time to create much worse problems.
6. Develop routines: stress is a part of everyday life, and those that have the plans most easily executed will come out on top of their stress. See the lifestyle changes you’re making as integral to your lifestyle, not a temporary thing or fad. If you set your sights on stress management as a high value for you, you’ll start to choose behaviors that reflect that value.
7. Practice positive psychology: Thinking positively – while hard for some – trains your brain to see things through a different scope. Choose optimism over negativity.
8. Reduce alcohol consumption: Alcohol is a depressant, and it also affects your sleep by increasing the body’s stress hormone epinephrine, which stimulates heart rate and stress. Alcohol, in moderation, can take the ease off stress, but, for the long term, it’s not the best solution.
9. Say ‘no’ more: Too many guys are just as guilty of not saying ‘no’ as their female counterparts. When we can’t say ‘no’, we guilt ourselves into accepting more and more from others, whether that’s doing favors, taking on more work, or generally stuffing our own need to do less. Learn to take on less responsibility, and learn to say ‘no’ – the world won’t end if you do.
10. Manage your time: The inability to manage time erodes our foundation to deal with stress. Not being able to deal efficiently with all that’s thrown at us in a day can shut your whole machine down quickly. Learn to manage your time, and you’ll immediately experience better stress reduction. Use lists, calendars, and your phone. Plan commuting times, cook on Sundays for the week’s worth of lunches, and generally start to visualize your upcoming week, so that you can do what you need to do before it needs to be done.

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Feeling depleted is, unfortunately, common for a lot of Americans. We’re working more hours, getting less sleep, and generally “burning the candle at both ends.” Having energy is critical to maintaining a hectic life, whether it’s feeling more energetic with your kids, being powered up to take care of to-do lists, or having a sense of overall well-being and happiness.

We’ll look at 12 energy boosters that will help with fatigue and lethargy, and then identify some things not to do.

1. Control stress: this is so important. Stress can promote the release of cortisol, epinephrine, and norepinephrine, and begin the “fight or flight” response in the body. From an evolutionary point of view, this prepares the body for fighting or for running, but it also taxes the body, leaving you feeling tired and worn down.

Try meditation, yoga, or simply taking a 5-minute break from your desk to focus on your breathing in a mindful way. I work with guys who love this, and say that the benefits are worth a regular practice. Talk with someone close – your wife or girlfriend – about the things that are stressing you, and you’ll also deepen your relationship with her at the same time.

2. Watch your carbs: carbohydrates – especially refined carbs like white flour products, sugar, and potatoes – give you a short-term energy boost, but crash your system a little later. These food are high in glycemic indexes, so choose foods with lower GI’s, like beans, fruits, whole grains, including whole wheat. These foods will give you more of a steady stream of glucose, so your blood sugar doesn’t spike and then crash.

3. Say ‘no’ more: too many guys are just as guilty of not saying ‘no’ as their female counterparts. When we can’t say ‘no’, we guilt ourselves into accepting more and more from others, whether that’s doing favors, taking on more work, or generally stuffing our own need to do less. Learn to take on less responsibility, and learn to say ‘no’ – the world won’t end if you do.

4. Get the sleep you need: sleep is such a valued commodity for so many of us. We don’t get nearly the quantity (or quality)

sleep we need. Quitting smoking, exercising regularly, and turning the t.v. off all help for better sleep hygiene. Actually getting into bed at a set time, whether you fall asleep or not, is crucial in developing a sleep schedule. You’ll see how this slight improvement carries over positively to affect so many things in your life, by sleeping sounder.

5. Develop a plan for consistency: changes take work. No one’s asking you to make all of these changes all at once. Parse yourself. Take one item, and start to do that first. Commit to a regular sleep schedule, or try modifying your diet. Do one thing at a time, and you won’t overwhelm yourself and not do anything. Building energy is a long-term strategy, although our culture wants you to have “more energy – right now.” You can feel more energetic in the short-term, but maintaining lifestyle changes is a long-term strategy.

6. Find what makes you happy: is it work? is it spending time with the ones you really care about? is is finally learning to play the guitar, after all these years? When we’re “in the flow”, and doing what we enjoy and what makes us happy, we feelenergized and compelled to keep doing those things that produce happiness. Find what these things, people, or places are, and start to incorporate them. Stop hanging out in places that de-energize you (unless this is your workplace), with people who de-enegrize you, and, by removed the energy “degenerators”, you’ll free up more physical and psychic energy for yourself to use how you wish.

Depression is still a highly underdiagnosed problem in men. According to one study (Potts, Burnan, and Wells, 1991), 65% of men’s depression went undetected and undiagnosed. For many men, depression is a crippling condition that is ill-defined, too difficult to deal with directly, and highly stigmatized by culture, all of which prevent men from getting the help they need.

In his book, “Men In Therapy,” Dr. David Wexler writes that depression looks different in men than it does in women. He identifies a newly emerging category of depression – male-type depression. Wexler states that instead of men reporting sadness, they tend to experience and report these symptoms:

• Feeling irritable
• Fatigue
• Hard to name the feelings inside, but feel numb or “dead”
• Restlessness
• Agitation
• Feel unsatisfied
• Loss of vitality
• Vague, persistent physical symptoms, like headaches, mysterious pain and insomnia

Men’s Myths of Depression

Wexler also identifies the reasons that men report when asked, “Why do men say they are less likely to seek treatment for depression?” (Hales and Hales study, 2004)

• 41% of men surveyed state that “the attitude that a man can or should tough it out” is important
• 24% of men say that there is “embarassment or stigma associated with depression.”
• 16% of men state that the main problem was that men “don’t recognize the symptoms”

Culture and stigma certainly play a huge role in preventing men from seeking the help that they need. Too many men suffer from the features of depression, and don’t get the help that they need. Men are often times less inclined to ask for help, and don’t have the social support that many women do when there’s a mental health issue that needs attention. Men often will blame others, avoid and escape their problems (often times with drugs, alcohol or other avoidance means), and will tend to be discontent with themselves (Wexler, 2009). Men will tend to get angry, which, according to Pollack (1995), is “their way of weeping.”

Men don’t need to suffer from depression alone. Admitting that there’s a problem, asking for help, and seeking the right Phoenix mental health counselor are all important first steps. As we continue to stop stigmatizing depression for men, it may become easier for even the most difficult of cases of male-type depression to find help.