There’s no greater saboteur than ourselves. Others may make life difficult for us, but it’s often ourselves that hinder our own selves from getting what we want in life. From getting the right job, to improving the relationship we’ve got, we constantly undermine ourselves and impede our forward progress into getting our needs met.

1. Fear: often times, fear is a more powerful motivator than anything else. When we’re afraid, of either failure or of success, we devise strategies to get in our own way. For example, a lot of guys need affirmation or validation from their wives or girlfriends, yet are too afraid to speak up and get it. They turn to other women outside of the relationship where it’ll be safer to get affirmed or validated, thus eventually undermining their existing relationship when the other partner find out.
2. Stress: Stress management is a difficult thing to employ. We’re busy people living busy lives. Too often, getting the right sleep, eating right or just generally taking good care of ourselves get sidelined. When we’re stressed, our tolerance thresholds are lower, and we’re more immune to poor mental health, anger, interpersonal conflict and physical ailment. Maintaining your well being and keeping stress under control are essential to not undermining yourself. Keeping a positive outlook and good mental health are ways you can promote yourself, and not get in your own way.
3. Making the Wrong Choices: Either out of impulsivity, or just making decisions that aren’t in alignment with our long term goals and life vision, making poor choices undermines our forward progress. Taking a job because it pays better, but may not provide the kind of work you love, could eventually pan out to be a poor choice. Keeping friends who use you instead of give to you may be another. Making clear, solid decisions is based on what you value for your life: do you value your work to be personally meaningful? Do you value mutually giving and reciprocal relationships?
4. Not finding resources or support: The world is interconnected, and there are things you can’t do alone. If you’re impartial to asking for help from others, it may be hurting you. Everyone needs help. Whether you need to find better ways to network with others for professional purposes, need counseling for a personal problem, or want to start dating again and need some help, asking for help is
5. Worrying about what others think: I recently shot a two minute video about how to stop worrying about what others think. When we fall into this kind of thinking, we give other people power over our lives and decisions. I think when we worry about what others think, our mental energies are distracted, when they could be used to help us help ourselves instead. Worry a little less about what others think, and you might find you have available energy to improve your own life.
6. Falling into acts of anger: Anger in and of itself is not harmful – it’s what you do with it that creates problems. Usually, we fall into anger and end up reacting, whether it’s alienating friends or family, or getting angry on the job, anger is a force that, if left uncontrolled, can leave us undermining our own chances of success. It’s a huge impediment to good relationship building. Learning how to deal most effectively with anger, and learning how to harness it, communicate it and make it work for you is no easy task, but it’s something that could go go from a liability to an asset in your life if you know how to use anger effectively.

When I talk with couples, what I hear sometimes is “Well, we’re fine – we don’t fight.” Or, “there’s nothing really wrong with our relationship. We never argue.” Or,  for the couples that knows something’s wrong, I may hear “we just never talk about.”

There may be a problem with “not fighting” or “never arguing” in your relationship or marriage. For a lot of couples, when there’s problems in the relationship, too often one or both partners fall into a withdrawal pattern, and push aside the issues that they’re having with the other. This creates deeper problems, as constant problem avoidance festers and grow over time.

Men’s Avoidance and Emotional Withdrawal

Men can be notoriously consistent in relationship struggles by withdrawing emotionally from their partners and “checking out.” We come to know the “man cave” metaphor in popular culture, but do we realize that men hide when there are problems or difficulties in their marriage? I hear men taking about not wanting to get into a fight, not wanting to upset their wife, girlfriend or partner, or feeling afraid of their own anger. They may be too ashamed to talk with their partners, and hold or stuff the problems they’re having. This can be a slippery slope to other problems.

The Effects on Your Partner

The partners of the emotional withdrawers often complain that they “can’t access” their partners, or talk about feeling unloved or disconnected from their guy when he’s emotionally withdrawn. This creates other problems. The partner who has such a difficult time accessing their withdrawn partner will react in their own way, creating problems on top of problems. A vicious, negative cycle thus ensues, and the withdrawn partner continues to distance himself.

How to Help Yourself

Consider that the storyline you’ve been telling yourself about your relationship might be flawed. Every couple gets into a reactive cycle, so it’s important to come to understand your own. How do you contribute to it? Do you withdraw and avoid conflict? Do you end up pursuing a hard to reach partner in the distance? Considering that by “not fighting”, you still may be locked in a struggle, albeit a silent one.