Anger and nice guys don’t mix very well. Because nice guys are known to stuff their emotions, and anger is an emotion, the cycle of avoidance never gets broken. Nice guys get angry because their needs aren’t being met, and most times, nice guys don’t even know what they need. They’re swimming in the dark, yet live in a world that they need to interact with. Because life is a series of interactions and interplay between needs and need gratification, lack of awareness about what those needs are leads to a lack of gratifying them.

So what do I mean by “needs”? I think we can all agree on the general definition of what needs are, because we have many different layers of them. We have a need to eat, to sleep, to excrete, and to have sex. Higher order needs are also needs, and include needs for love, validation, understanding, compassion, and avoidance of pain. As people, we also have a need for pleasure. The list can be quite infinite, and will vary drastically between different people.

Whereas I have a need to be validated for my efforts as a relationship partner or as a business owner, the next guy may have very different needs. He may need power, and may seek that out through a variety of different channels. The basic motivation to get those needs met will be so different for each person, so it’s really hard to set one standard of needs for everyone. This is where it gets tough, because many mail clients that I work with who don’t know how to recognize their own needs, end up comparing and contrasting themselves and their needs to their friends, family, and culture in general. Although our culture and society has some generally universal needs, they vary by degrees.

How does anger factor into all of this, you ask? I think that when men’s needs to go unmet and unattended to, they do not goaway. Instead, they lie dormant and mutate into other types of feelings. Anger is a byproduct of not getting those needs met. Although there are other emotions underlying anger — like sadness, emptiness, helplessness or loss of control — those are emotions that are even more obscured with most men today.

If you can picture the cross-section of an Everlasting Gobstopper, you’ll see that it would be comprised of layer upon layer of coatings. Imagine emotions are like a Gobstopper: they are many in number and layer similarly. At the core, we have emotions that consists of sadness, emptiness, pain, loss of control, and other very basic emotions. Go out one more layer and we find the more “empowering” emotions, like anger. Anger empowers us to act, and yet is an outer layer that obscures the more basic emotions. For many guys — especially nice guys — continue to go out to one more layer and you’ll find a layer of fear.

Fear of anger is a whole different matter. Many guys are just simply too afraid of their own anger or rage, so they end up stuffing it and coating it with a layer of fear. The fear layer then translates into behaviors that communicate that fear when there are situations or people that trigger the anger. Instead of getting angry, a lot of guys are so disconnected from their own anger and go to the fear place immediately. They shut their whole emotional system down, and continue to compress their emotions and avoid them. This is a disastrous cycle, because these men are muzzling themselves every time they are provoked. I’m not suggesting that they fly into a fit of rage and put her fist through the wall. What I am suggesting is that getting in touch with that basic experience of anger is an important first step to recognizing that it even exists.

The whole thing for nice guys: they’re not going to express their anger because it will lead to devastating to actually express the anger to the recipient. Instead, nice guys will swallow their anger, where it ends up mutating into much worse problems for the host nice guy.

So what happens to the anger when a nice guy stuffs it? A lot of things. Because the anger is not being communicated directly to the people that need here at, it ferments within a nice guy. But anger needs to come out in some way, and it often comes out through the forms of sarcasm, criticism, self-criticism, superiority, judgmentality, and on the other end of spectrum, rage and acting out physically.

A lot of nice guys are also smart guys. Smart guys being who they are often reside in their heads most of the time. The very skills and abilities that smart guys have used to create success in their lives, such as in their professional lives, are the worst skills to deal with anger. Smart guys also have the unique ability to intellectualize their anger, and this is another form of fermenting that anger loves. When I talk to guys who come in because they can’t deal with their anger, we always end up talking about how they try to “think their way out of their anger”, but it never works. I was asked them “so how is it worked for you up until this point?” These guys usually say, “well, not to good. on here and counseling now aren’t I?”

This tendency to intellectualize our anger is a real problem. We become hamsters in our own mental wheels, spinning ourselves into a mental oblivion. We also try to apply those same election will skills to solving our marriage and relationship problems, and those skills and tools are about not very successful to fixing those problems.

When nice guys get mad after having said “yes”, they tend to stuff that voice within them that really doesn’t want to say “yes”. By not saying ‘no’, these guys swallow what they really want because they’re too afraid that and they’ll be rejected by saying ‘no’. And this phenomenon plays out in all sorts of areas of the guy’s life: work, friendships, intimate relationships, within family relationships and on and on.

Stuffing anger is a real problem, because anger slowly builds up over time when it gets stuffed. Each incident of stuffing one’s anger and not saying no creates a compounding effect, where people to comes more difficult to say no and anger festers even more. Others may even notice that we where anger on our faces or in our behavior, and not know why. We may not even know why we’re angry, and not connect the dots to know that by not saying no to others when we don’t mean it, creates this cause-and-effect relationship.

For a lot of men who can’t say no, they have to release their anger in some way. This often comes out in a variety of ways, that we’ll identify here:

• drinking alcohol to cover up anger
• acting more feeling superior to others
• being overly critical or judgmental of others, or oneself
• feeling stressed all the time, and not knowing why
• feeling stressed all the time, and knowing why, but not doing anything about it
• feeling like the “weight of the world” is on them
• feeling like they’re working too hard
• concerned that others don’t appreciate what they’re doing
• working too hard in general
• feeling constantly angry, or even rageful
• getting physically angry, and doing things like putting your fist through the doors or walls
• not taking care of themselves, or not knowing how to

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Have you been in a compromising situation at work with a co-worker or boss, and secretly thought about cheating on your mate? Has your office set-up made it easy to have an affair, even if you didn’t act on it? Forty-three percent of workers in the United States say they’ve dated a fellow employee, according to a CNN poll, but exactly how many of those have been married people is not as well understood.

So many more hours are dedicated to the office these days. It makes it much harder to nurture what we’ve got at home with our mates, and to take care of the relationships we already have. Because we spend much time in an close environment like work, there is much more opportunity for work-based relationships to become personal, and then to develop into intimate or sexual relationships. If we end up spending more time in the office than in the home, the rift that separate spouses becomes greater, which encourages infidelity.

But here’s the key: the drive to have a sexual relationship is most often an expression of what’s missing in the original relationship or marriage. We’ve got to fix the problems in the marriage, because this is the foundational solution.

Office affairs are disastrous times three: your job is compromised, your marriage is compromised, and you have to experience the inner hell everywhere you go – work and home. Something has to give, and it’s bound to until some action is taken, by you or someone else.

Here’s four tips to help prevent yourself from getting into an office affair in the first place:

1. Diagnose the problem in the first place: is there something missing for you in your marriage or relationship? Are you able to hunt down the problem with old-fashioned honesty and self-reflection? Would this require a hear-to-heart with your beloved, before you act on any impulses that you might regret later?
2. Recognize emotions as they are: if you are feeling attracted to someone at the office, make a note of that in your mind. Attraction, or lust, is normal, and everyone experiences it, but when you act on it, it becomes something else.
3. If you love him or her, put yourself in their shoes: Develop empathy for your mate, and ask yourself what they would do or think about any planned infidelities.
4. Get help: seek out professional counseling, either couple or individual. Choose someone you feel most comfortable talking with and can confide in with your secrets.

Jason Fierstein, MA, LPC, is a counselor for men and couples, and practices in Phoenix. As “the man that men will talk to,” Jason works with guys who want to make their wives and girlfriends happier, and simply be happier themselves. He is currently accepting new clients. Please call him at 602.309.0568 to set up an appointment, or visit www.phoenixmenscounseling.com for more information.

Ah, yes. Negativity. It erodes ourselves and our relationships. Many of us are so under it’s spell, we don’t even know that we spew it the world.

What’s really behind all this negativity? Let’s take a look at several vantage points on negativity:

Anger: When we’re unresolved in our anger, we tend to have negative thoughts and feelings, which leads us to usually verbal negativity. As long as we haven’t dealt with the anger inside our ourselves, we stay negative. Negativity is more of an intellectual construct; anger, on the other hand, is more of an emotion that we can transform, if we can get in touch with it.

Superiority: we we think we’re better than others, and posture ourselves in the world as more superior to them.

Criticism: Usually, we criticize others because we can’t get what we need from them directly, or we are posturing ourselves as superior over them. Being critical is often something learned when we were young; it might have been a way that a parent interacted with us. We internalized that at some point, channelled the criticism onto ourselves (the self-critic), and then out onto other people. It’s not really a direct way of dealing with others.

Victimization: is when we play the victim to our lives. Often times, this entails being negative about the world, and prevents us from taking full ownership of the problem ourselves. It’s much harder to own responsibility for our situation, than blame others, especially our family, work situations or partners, for our unhappiness.

Unhappiness: We may be generally unhappy, and might not be admitting it to ourselves. Sometimes, to stop and say to ourselves, “You know, I think I’m unhappy,” is the beginning of taking ownership for our situation. As long as we hinge our happiness onto other’s wagons, we also allow for them to disappoint us, too. We need others for happiness, but sometimes we take this too far.

Stress: When we’re stressed, negativity is sometimes a byproduct of our stress. We’re tired, irritable, or just plain can’t find anything positive or joyful to look at. Good stress management is critical to dealing with negativity. By learning to lower our stress, we take responsibility for ourselves, and make others happier in the meanwhile. Lower stress levels mean less negativity.

Negativity addiction: this is more engrained, but there are plenty of people who need to be negative, because their whole identity is invested in it. If they were to not be negative, who would they be? We identify ourselves as many things in life, and, unfortunately, some of those identifications are neurotic or not growth-promoting. Many people whose identities are negative in nature may, unconsciously, feel like they need those to be who they need to be. Usually, when we let go of the negativity, we have to be with ourselves and re-create ourselves. It’s a very difficult thing to do; negativity acts like a security blanket we just don’t give up.

1. Not overworking to the point of exhaustion. Ask yourself, “Are there parts of work I can do less of for my own health and happiness?”
2. Eat right: There are foods that will aggravate stress, and foods that will sedate stress. Try cutting down or quitting caffeinated and sugary drinks and foods that increase stress levels. Try eating more complex carbohydrates, lean meats and fish, and vegetables and fruits.
3. Getting daily exercise: This is a tough one, because it’s really hard to make a regular schedule to exercise and get to the gym. It can be work in itself. This is a lifestyle change, not an instantaneous  “hit the gym once in a while” thing, so pace yourself. Stress happens over time, and your stress combat plan should develop over the long term.
4. Practice relaxation: Yoga, meditation, even mindful breathing are all superior techniques to help reduce stress.
5. Network development: Many times, guys don’t have anyone to talk to. They might not talk with their other male friends, and their wife or girlfriend may be stressed in her own way. Making the outlet to talk and creating a support network is essential to stress management. Without it, we end up stuffing stress, letting it fester and building it up over time to create much worse problems.
6. Develop routines: stress is a part of everyday life, and those that have the plans most easily executed will come out on top of their stress. See the lifestyle changes you’re making as integral to your lifestyle, not a temporary thing or fad. If you set your sights on stress management as a high value for you, you’ll start to choose behaviors that reflect that value.
7. Practice positive psychology: Thinking positively – while hard for some – trains your brain to see things through a different scope. Choose optimism over negativity.
8. Reduce alcohol consumption: Alcohol is a depressant, and it also affects your sleep by increasing the body’s stress hormone epinephrine, which stimulates heart rate and stress. Alcohol, in moderation, can take the ease off stress, but, for the long term, it’s not the best solution.
9. Say ‘no’ more: Too many guys are just as guilty of not saying ‘no’ as their female counterparts. When we can’t say ‘no’, we guilt ourselves into accepting more and more from others, whether that’s doing favors, taking on more work, or generally stuffing our own need to do less. Learn to take on less responsibility, and learn to say ‘no’ – the world won’t end if you do.
10. Manage your time: The inability to manage time erodes our foundation to deal with stress. Not being able to deal efficiently with all that’s thrown at us in a day can shut your whole machine down quickly. Learn to manage your time, and you’ll immediately experience better stress reduction. Use lists, calendars, and your phone. Plan commuting times, cook on Sundays for the week’s worth of lunches, and generally start to visualize your upcoming week, so that you can do what you need to do before it needs to be done.

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Feeling depleted is, unfortunately, common for a lot of Americans. We’re working more hours, getting less sleep, and generally “burning the candle at both ends.” Having energy is critical to maintaining a hectic life, whether it’s feeling more energetic with your kids, being powered up to take care of to-do lists, or having a sense of overall well-being and happiness.

We’ll look at 12 energy boosters that will help with fatigue and lethargy, and then identify some things not to do.

1. Control stress: this is so important. Stress can promote the release of cortisol, epinephrine, and norepinephrine, and begin the “fight or flight” response in the body. From an evolutionary point of view, this prepares the body for fighting or for running, but it also taxes the body, leaving you feeling tired and worn down.

Try meditation, yoga, or simply taking a 5-minute break from your desk to focus on your breathing in a mindful way. I work with guys who love this, and say that the benefits are worth a regular practice. Talk with someone close – your wife or girlfriend – about the things that are stressing you, and you’ll also deepen your relationship with her at the same time.

2. Watch your carbs: carbohydrates – especially refined carbs like white flour products, sugar, and potatoes – give you a short-term energy boost, but crash your system a little later. These food are high in glycemic indexes, so choose foods with lower GI’s, like beans, fruits, whole grains, including whole wheat. These foods will give you more of a steady stream of glucose, so your blood sugar doesn’t spike and then crash.

3. Say ‘no’ more: too many guys are just as guilty of not saying ‘no’ as their female counterparts. When we can’t say ‘no’, we guilt ourselves into accepting more and more from others, whether that’s doing favors, taking on more work, or generally stuffing our own need to do less. Learn to take on less responsibility, and learn to say ‘no’ – the world won’t end if you do.

4. Get the sleep you need: sleep is such a valued commodity for so many of us. We don’t get nearly the quantity (or quality)

sleep we need. Quitting smoking, exercising regularly, and turning the t.v. off all help for better sleep hygiene. Actually getting into bed at a set time, whether you fall asleep or not, is crucial in developing a sleep schedule. You’ll see how this slight improvement carries over positively to affect so many things in your life, by sleeping sounder.

5. Develop a plan for consistency: changes take work. No one’s asking you to make all of these changes all at once. Parse yourself. Take one item, and start to do that first. Commit to a regular sleep schedule, or try modifying your diet. Do one thing at a time, and you won’t overwhelm yourself and not do anything. Building energy is a long-term strategy, although our culture wants you to have “more energy – right now.” You can feel more energetic in the short-term, but maintaining lifestyle changes is a long-term strategy.

6. Find what makes you happy: is it work? is it spending time with the ones you really care about? is is finally learning to play the guitar, after all these years? When we’re “in the flow”, and doing what we enjoy and what makes us happy, we feelenergized and compelled to keep doing those things that produce happiness. Find what these things, people, or places are, and start to incorporate them. Stop hanging out in places that de-energize you (unless this is your workplace), with people who de-enegrize you, and, by removed the energy “degenerators”, you’ll free up more physical and psychic energy for yourself to use how you wish.

Depression is still a highly underdiagnosed problem in men. According to one study (Potts, Burnan, and Wells, 1991), 65% of men’s depression went undetected and undiagnosed. For many men, depression is a crippling condition that is ill-defined, too difficult to deal with directly, and highly stigmatized by culture, all of which prevent men from getting the help they need.

In his book, “Men In Therapy,” Dr. David Wexler writes that depression looks different in men than it does in women. He identifies a newly emerging category of depression – male-type depression. Wexler states that instead of men reporting sadness, they tend to experience and report these symptoms:

• Feeling irritable
• Fatigue
• Hard to name the feelings inside, but feel numb or “dead”
• Restlessness
• Agitation
• Feel unsatisfied
• Loss of vitality
• Vague, persistent physical symptoms, like headaches, mysterious pain and insomnia

Men’s Myths of Depression

Wexler also identifies the reasons that men report when asked, “Why do men say they are less likely to seek treatment for depression?” (Hales and Hales study, 2004)

• 41% of men surveyed state that “the attitude that a man can or should tough it out” is important
• 24% of men say that there is “embarassment or stigma associated with depression.”
• 16% of men state that the main problem was that men “don’t recognize the symptoms”

Culture and stigma certainly play a huge role in preventing men from seeking the help that they need. Too many men suffer from the features of depression, and don’t get the help that they need. Men are often times less inclined to ask for help, and don’t have the social support that many women do when there’s a mental health issue that needs attention. Men often will blame others, avoid and escape their problems (often times with drugs, alcohol or other avoidance means), and will tend to be discontent with themselves (Wexler, 2009). Men will tend to get angry, which, according to Pollack (1995), is “their way of weeping.”

Men don’t need to suffer from depression alone. Admitting that there’s a problem, asking for help, and seeking the right Phoenix mental health counselor are all important first steps. As we continue to stop stigmatizing depression for men, it may become easier for even the most difficult of cases of male-type depression to find help.

We’ve explored receiving support, and giving support, in the last two posts. Today, we identify the ways to express more support to your wife or girlfriend, so you can start employing them into your relationship or marriage.

• Take the time (even for 5 min. a day) to simply listen. Sit down with her, make eye contact, and actively listen. Reflect back what you hear from her, as she says it; you can achieve this without sounding like a counselor or therapist.
• Understand that “doing” things for her is different from “being”; making weekend plans, doing the grocery shopping or laundry, or taking her car in for a wash are “doing” things. Guys have a hard time with this, as we’re executors. Try “being” their for her (see above bullet point)
• Tell her she’s a great girlfriend/wife/mother
• Be specific about what you love about her, or what you support her for (women like the specifics)
• Communicate to her that she’s smart or funny, as well as sexy; a healthy mix of support about her physique, as well as her character, will get you a long way.
• Ask simply: “How can I help?” This will payoff big-time. It’ll communicate to her that you care about her and her needs. Develop a “how can I help” mindset, and this will radically change your relationship for the better.
• If there’s a problem in your relationship that you don’t see, or don’t want to see, consider that there might be one for her. Just because you don’t see the problem, doesn’t mean it’s not there. Admitting that there’s a problem, and risking asking for help, is supporting her, and supporting your relationship

These tips should go a long way towards both communicating your support for the woman you love, and express your caring and concern for the well-being of your relationship. If you commit to working on these actively, and making them an integral part of your relationship on a day-to-day basis, you’re both going to be a lot happier that you did. She’ll be quite happy with you.

On Monday, our post was about how men can do things to feel more supported by their wife or girlfriend. In today’s post, we’ll look at the reverse trend: guys who are unsupportive of their wives or girlfriends.

Women complain that they, too, don’t feel supported by their guy, and there’s a difference in what women want from men. A big difference.

While men generally feel like they’re being supportive, it’s the kind of support that they offer that might be falling short for some women. I hear all the time, “If my guy knew, really knew, how to support me, I wouldn’t be on his case so much. He should be able to do it on his own, without me telling him to do what I want him to do.”

Men generally want to make their wives and girlfriends happy. Sometimes, they simply don’t know what that looks like. They have the desire to support, and are eager to please, but men can’t read women’s minds. I know a lot of guys say that they really don’t know what their women want, and this can be true in some circumstances. Men need specific directions to act. We need operating manuals, or step-by-step directions, and in the realm of the emotional, men are often first-time navigators.

Meeting the emotional needs of women is something that is difficult for the majority of men. Read: most men. Guys want to support their wives and girlfriends emotionally, yet lack the tools, and sometimes the patience, to understand. Instead, men resort to doing, which is different from being (or being present/listening deeply). Men know how to do; women know how to be – this is an often difficult bridge for guys to cross. Men want to solve problems for women, as they’re so good at in many other capacities in their lives, yet in the relationship realm, they fall short.

Understanding that ‘to do’ is being supportive for many men, and empathizing with your guy about his determination to please you, to support you, is how he knows how to do it for now. It doesn’t mean that he can’t be attuned to support your emotional needs. Men are emotional beings, too, and can learn the way of their emotions, but it takes time and patience. Especially from those they fully support.

When problems happen in otherwise good relationships and marriages, what I often hear from men is that they don’t feel supported by their wives or their girlfriends. Many check out after several attempts to get the support that they need, and just as many more simply don’t know how to get that support directly from the one they love.

Are you one of those guys who feels disconnected and unsupported from your relationship partner? How do you experience this lack of support?

The problem is, on the surface, a lack of support or validation from your wife or girlfriend. Underneath that lies another, more subtle layer.

Men have a really difficult time recognizing their own needs, and have an even harder time actually connecting to those needs and communicating it (in language she can understand) directly to her. Instead, guys withdraw and stop interacting with women. they’ll tell themselves, “Why try? It’s just too difficult. Of course I want support, but she should know this. I do a lot for her, why do I need to be the one to tell her?”. Reactions happen across the range: some guys do the withdrawal-and-hide-the-anger thing, or some guys just check out of the relationship in general. Some guys get critical, or exercise their frustration through trying to control things or people in their environment. And some other guys just stew in their heads forever trying to figure out “how to fix it.”

Here’s some bullet points to help you. It’s unfortunate to see otherwise good guys in otherwise healthy relationships struggle to simply get validated.

• Ask yourself: “Does she validate me enough? Do I need more from her sometimes?”
• Ask yourself: “How does she show me support now? Could I actually name the ways that she communicates her support to me right now?”
• Talk with your wife or girlfriend, and express your appreciation for the support that she does give you; this will reinforce her behavior, and let her know exactly how you want the support. A lot of times women are clueless about how the support/validation is actually absorbed by their guy.
• Write down (on paper) what you would like validation or support for. Are there certain things that you’re contributing to her life, the kids’ lives, or to the household in general? Make a list of those things, to develop your own awareness about what those things actually are.
• Admit there’s a problem, both to yourself and to her. Make some time to communicate with her (hopefully, not during or after a fight). Say: “You know, I’m needing something from you and our relationship, and sometimes I don’t quite know how to ask you. I need to hear more supportive things from you around (x) and (y), and it would make me feel much closer to you.”
• If you sense you’re starting to withdraw or get angry, ask yourself “What am I needing in this moment?”. There’s usually an emotional reaction when we’re not getting a certain need me. This is an extremely powerful statement, so use this liberally when you get upset.

Hopefully, you can employ some of these helpful tips to get the support and validation you need and deserve in your intimate relationship. We’ll be talking about how to give the support and validation back to her in the next blog post. Stay tuned.

As a culture that wraps our happiness up with money, it’s ironic then that most of the research that has come out states explicitly that money doesn’t buy happiness. According to one Princeton University study, the link between income and happiness is mainly an illusion. “Although income is widely assumed to be a good measure of well-being, the researchers found that its role is less significant than predicted and that people with higher incomes do not necessarily spend more time in more enjoyable ways,” states Eric Quinones, who looked at two Princeton professors, economist Alan Krueger and psychologist and Nobel laureate Daniel Kahneman.

So, what does produce happiness? Researchers do point out several factors involved in happiness, such as:

1. Developing coping strategies for stress and hardships in your life
2. Taking care of your body, including getting the right sleep, eating well, and exercising
3. Creating a social support network of friends, family and people you trust to confide in
4. Practicing mindfulness: yoga, meditation, or simply focusing on those “little pleasures” that create our days
5. Learning to forgive: we let of of pain, anger and hurt when we can forgive those that have wronged us
6. Experiences over things: researchers also point out that experiences, such as a first date or a great trip, will bring us more happiness over acquiring more material pleasures.
7. Live your values: take a moment to identify what you truly value in life, and see how well your lifestyle reflects the the things you truly value.

We need money for a variety of things in our lives, but when we start to invest all of our happiness in how much we make, what we own, and what we’ll reap in the future, we become contingent on an outside source (money) for our happiness. Happiness is inherent within, and accessing one’s own happiness is personal affair. Hopefully some of these tips will help you design a “happiness program” for your own self.