Guys tend to identify strongly with the work that they do. We’re taught that the work we do is who we are. When we meet people, at parties or at networking groups, the first question we usually ask is “What do you do?”

The notorious workaholics we know are usually guys. It’s a masculine-themed issue in our culture. We’ve become a society that has seen a standard workweek increase from 40-hours a week to 50 and 60 or more. What happened to us? Isn’t there more to us? Fortunately, the recession – although devastating in any number of ways – has given us an opportunity to get back to basics, and invest in those people and experiences that bring value to our lives, aside for just work.

Work is a strong source of self-esteem for men,  and provides us with different identities. When work is good, we see ourselves as a breadwinner to our families and children (or pets), a successful son or husband, and powerful. When it’s not so good, or we’re laid off or drifting between jobs, we might experience shame, powerlessness or “poverty mentality”.

Let’s put our eggs in a couple of different baskets, shall we? Good investors learn to diversify, to spread their investments among their portfolio for balance. I propose the same for developing better work/life balance. If work tips too far to one side of the scales in your life, maybe work on developing other, equally important parts of your life.

1. Do I manage my work stress effectively? What could be different?
2. Do I have the support systems I need (e.g. friends, family, hobbies)? If not, how do I boost them up?
3. Does my work affect other parts of my life, like my relationship or marriage?
4. Do I tend to overidentify with my job or career? Does it affect other relationships?

Learning to deal with stress is an important component, en route to better work-life balance. Here’s a free stress management worksheet for you to better assess and change your stress: http://phoenixmenscounseling.com/clinicalforms/stress-inventory.pdf.

Through many conversations with women and dating coaches, stories of disgruntled men trying to keep dates going with a woman often come up. Guys try their hardest, think things are going well, and then – bam – it’s over.  “How did that happen? Things were going so well?” you might ask yourself. Or, “She seems to have just kind of lost interest in me.” The dating post-mortem is usually difficult to assess: “was it something I did?” “Did she seem to like me?” “Did I see the signs?” “Was there just no “chemistry?”

Dating is hard enough without shooting yourself in the foot first. There are different behaviors that us guys can unknowingly get into – between dates one and the end – that drive disgruntled women away. So, first off, knowing what these behaviors are is one thing; taking a look in the mirror, and working to change some of these possibly repellant behaviors is something else.

The early dating stages are a testy time. They’re like a petri-dish, and it’s a process of observation to see if there will be relationship germination. Wouldn’t it be great if you could control some of the factors involved in it’s growth (and, no, I don’t think you’re bacteria).

Let’s take a look at some of those red flag raising behaviors. In the spirit of promoting more successful dating for men, here are the most repugnant ways guys chase women away while dating (or the “what not to do” list).

• Saying or doing controlling things to her
• Talking about or (joking about) proposing in the early dating rounds
• Talking about your ex-wife or girlfriend constantly
• Invalidating your new date, by joking about/being sarcastic about what she’s wearing, how she looks, her hair, etc.
• Thinking you’re in a relationship with her, and she’s not thinking this way. Not accurately gauging the right time to check it out with her to see if her feelings match.
• Inviting yourself to her activities
• Wanting to get in with her people immediately (i.e. asking if you can meet family, friends)
• Turning into someone else around other people: the “social chameleon” (as my friend calls it)
• Treating service staff at restaurants poorly (this is an obvious no-no)
• Constantly needing to boast or puff yourself, your accomplishments, your car, your wealth up
• Smothering her: this can take take many forms – if she distances herself, you can be sure this smothering instinct might be activated and set on “stun”.
• Asking about her guy friends, in order to assess for “mate poachers” (you know, other dudes who want to steal your girl)
• General narcissism: “it’s all about me”
• Not asking about her, or “it’s all about me”
• Talking about yourself constantly, or “it’s all about me” (seeing a trend here?)
• Working way too hard (if she’s not interested) in the beginning stages (overly nice guys need to watch this one)
  • Examples include, but are not limited to:
    • Putting together furniture
    • Helping her move
    • Offering child care to her kids
• Trying to be a “husband” too quickly (but then bailing out on the promises you made)
• Not working through previous relationship issues, or rebounding, which will totally bleed onto your behavior with her.
• Wanting to have her meet your kids too early/wanting to meet hers.
• Wanting to talk about your feelings too early: premature disclosure
• Asking for a sleep over too early, or physical affection too early when she’s not ready
• Poor boundaries: a blanket red flag encompassing a lot of behaviors.
• Asking her to meet your friends, family, coworkers too early
• Overtexting, or e-mailing her constantly, usually before she’s had a chance to respond.
• Asking about her previous relationships too early (not good!)

There are surely 1,001 other red flags we could talk about, but I tried to come up with the big ones for you. These, at the worst, could communicate to her that you’re a stalker, and at the least, could communicate that your psychological or emotional issues have gotten the best of you and there’s emotional seepage. If that’s the case, seek some help for the things that may be undermining your chances of dating success, because you don’t know what you don’t know.

Women do enjoy nice dinners and fun companionship, and are attracted to these things, but they’re more repelled by red flag behaviors. Consider if you might be doing some of these things, and make the changes that will help fortify your successful dating practice.

Do you find yourself contemplating a split-up or divorce with repetition? Does the fighting subside for a while, and come back in a major way? Getting sick of hearing false promises from your partner that he’ll change? Seeking Scottsdale marriage counseling?

I’d like to help. I work with couples to identify the dysfunctional and reactive cycles they get trapped in, often unknowingly. As a counselor for men, I work with guys to come back to their wives and girlfriends emotionally, instead of putting walls or barriers up, which lead to further conflict. We’ll work together to identify those things that get in the way of more spontaneous communication, love and fun, and work to put a little of the original honeymoon-feeling back in your marriage.

Marriages take a lot of work, and sometimes, when we’re feeling like that’s all we’re doing, it may be that we’re not quite aware at the things we’re attempting to do just aren’t working – no mater how hard we try.

Give me a call today, or book your intake appointment online (above). I’m easily accessed from Scottsdale, off the Hwy. 202 near Sky Harbor Airport.

Phoenix Men’s Counseling is just the help for you. Specializing in working with men, Jason Fierstein, MA, LPC, is a relationship counselor in close proximity to Tempe, AZ. Located at the Chinese Cultural Center, in East Phoenix near Sky Harbor Airport, counseling services for individuals and couples seeking help in their marriages or relationships can find the help they’ve been looking for.

Our relationship counseling services specialize in clarifying the often fuzzy reasons why you continue to fight over trivial things: how many times can you really fight about not taking the trash out (for the umpteenth time)? It’s not really about that, now is it? Looking at the underlying issues, there’s often unexpressed anger, resentment or hurt that stifles normal marital interactions. You’re left fighting about the stupid and trivial things.

Let us help. Contact us today for more information on our marriage and relationship counseling services. You want to fight for your relationship, and for the man or woman that you love. Call us today, or book an appointment online.

I help couples in Scottsdale, AZ, work towards having better, more fulfilling marriages and relationships. As a counselor for men and couples, my practice specializes in helping men who are struggling in their marriages. My counseling works towards repairing the damage caused by relationship neglect, indifference, or general “partner drift”. I also specialize in working with infidelity, and help couples work towards working through the difficult stress, loss of trust, hurt and anger caused by cheating.

Let’s meet to identify the issues that you’re struggling with. It’s important to get a sense of what the problems actually are, and gain clarity over what you’re struggling with. Sometimes, confusion adds to the general marriage malaise that you may be experiencing. We’ll set a treatment plan to laser in on the issues that you’ll like most help with, and work towards successful resolution of those goals.

My practice – Phoenix Men’s Counseling – is open to couples seeking marriage counseling in Scottsdale, AZ, and is easily accessed off of the 202 freeway. Evening hours are always available, for the busy professionals and couples who need to synch their schedules to come into counseling.

For the last week, I’ve been learning a new form of couples therapy to expand the marriage and couples counseling I do. Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT) was designed by Canadian psychologist Sue Johnson, Ph.D. This response to couples’ work will be very instrumental to me and my practice in helping more couples out of distress, fighting, and breaking old, negative patterns that they get stuck in.

EFT describes three major shifts in it’s approach. First, the EFT couples counselor and the couple work together to identify the negative cycle that the couple has been stuck in. The cycle is seen as something different from the two partners who’ve originated it: it’s identified and depersonalized from any one person, thus helping a struggling couple work together to become aware of it, and minimize it. The cycle – after being identified – is then de-escalated, with the help of the couples therapist.

The next objective of EFT couples counseling is to help the identified “withdrawer” in the couple (often the man, but not always) re-engage in the marriage or relationship. Basically, the more withdrawn partner (emotional or behavioral withdrawal) begins to become more engaged in the relationship at this point.

Third, EFT helps to “soften the blamer” in the relationship. This is when the previously hostile relationship partner (often times the partner who is more active) risks expressing their vulnerabilities and unmet needs.

EFT is based on attachment theory, a model of psychology that says that everyone is wired socially, and we need healthy, functional ways to attach to others for our survival. Often times, those attachment relationships growing up were compromised, and the way we sometimes ineffectively seek to meet our needs creates problems in our relationships or marriage. EFT helps to identify these needs, emotions and behavioral patterns that we get stuck in.

I’m excited to start to help more struggling couples with this form of counseling. It seems to be very promising, and research-supported, and welcome you to call my practice for more information about EFT couples work to help your relationship or marriage.