Two weeks ago, I spoke to a good group of people – the Phoenix Rotaract Society. They were kind enough to have me speak to their group on the basics of creating a great relationship.

I talked about the “nuts and bolts” – what to do, and what to avoid, with your partner to go after that ideal relationship, which is totally within reach.

The Rotaract members had some great feedback and contributions, and we ended up having a nice little discussion. I want to share with you the prime cut of the convo:

Why is it hard to have good relationship today?

- Communication problems
- Anger at partner/Fighting all the time/Hurt feelings
- Needs aren’t being met in relationship
- Trust issues
- See parents’ bad relationship, and don’t want it for yourself
- Can’t talk closely with partner

- Not sure if he or she is the one for you/different interests

- Same problem, different relationship partners

- Work, money and general stress- Commitment-phobic/Fear of marriage

What doesn’t work?
Stuffing your anger, or exploding in it; also, not talking to one another
Not creating regular time together to talk, have fun, laugh
Not dealing immediately with the problems that will inevitably come up between you both
Not talking to your partner about them/not being on the same page
Not working on your relationship
Criticizing and judging your partner; blaming and shaming

What does work to create a good relationship?
- Good communication: Stating your needs and feelings in your relationship
- Having a life outside of the relationship, as well as in it (independent time)
- Meaningful time together/creating a good relationship
- Developing trust
- Validating, not criticizing, each other
- Listening well/showing empathy
- Appreciating your differences
- Learning about and meeting other’s needs, as well as your own

For a lot of men, the fear of stirring the pot keeps them stuck in both fantasy and anger, two places that get a guy nowhere right quick.

“Nice guys” don’t want to piss anyone off, especially their women and their bosses. They stay “nice” and stuff their true desires and needs, which the mind then uses as fuel to create all sorts of wonderful scenarios that make expressing the initial need or resulting anger much harder.

Think of that which has gone unfulfilled because of your fear of anger. Think of the situations that you have shied away from or bowed out of because you were afraid of engaging in conflict with someone else. You didn’t want to create the conflict, because you risk being criticized, rejected, unloved or just generally left out in the cold. This is not good.

Is it possible to express your needs in a healthy way, that wouldn’t set you up for the potential conflict situation you think is inevitably coming? You bet there is.

Speaking from your needs and, god forbid, feelings, does actually attract people you’d otherwise consider to be non-believers (and potential conflict sources). Not going into shaming, blaming, criticizing, manipulating, cajoling, nudging, superiorizing, and in any other way, shape or form, doing anything towards the other person. Staying in your own experience, and speaking from that place of “centeredness” is much more rewarding that the joyful explosions you’re bound to create when you do conflict like you are normally used to.