“Guyland,” a new book by Michael Kimmel, talks about the netherworld between college and adulthood that a lot of men in their twenties get caught it and looks at the sociology of men’s stunted development. It looks pretty interesting – I just became aware of it. 

It reminds me of time lost and drifting in my twenties, and how the pleasures and escapes of the past would be more dominating than the concept of “growing up.” There is an accompanying video which talks about men’s development as women take on more leadership roles in society. Worth a look!

Boys to men: Why guys aren’t growing up:
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26317942/from/ET/

In celebration of Labor Day Weekend, I was reminded that relationships take a lot of work to succeed. My reaction was “Of course I know this,” and then I thought a little about it, and about what constitutes that work. What are the elements that define that often nebulous statement?

It’s safe to say that for men, these three things are the most important keys to a happy relationship. They are what will make or break a relationship – absolutely, hands-down and no qualms about it. Other than healthy communication, if your wife or girlfriend is not feeling loved, wanted or seen, you’re doomed, brother. You should some in so we can talk and fix the situation.

On being loved, wanted and seen: They have to know it from you. You have to show them regularly that they are well loved. I get this feedback regularly from Leanne, my own partner (Welcome, Leanne, to the blog!). She tells me that girls need to know those things through these ways (take notes, guys):

• complimenting her/validating her on her looks, body, charm, etc.
• telling her that she is beautiful and/or sexy; communicating sexual desire of her
• Initiation of sex (yes, fellows, believe it or not)
• telling her that she is good at something in her life, smart, etc.
• Simply telling her (genuinely) that “I love you.”
• generous supply of meaningful hugs
• planning events or date nights out, and then following through on them
• spontaneously doing things for her that communicate “I’m thinking about you.”
• watching the criticisms/judgments or her or her behavior

I was flipping through a magazine at the barbershop earlier today, and came across a disturbing idea. The article identifies the most popular men’s stress inducers, and the most popular stress relievers (source: Yankelovich Health and Wellness Study, 2006, in Best Life magazine, September, 2008)

Topping the inducers: planning one’s financial future, job/career, keeping family safe, health care costs. Interestingly, the state of your health came in third from last place, of a total of 12 inducers.

High on the relievers: taking a mental break, fun and laughter, exercise, sex, eating, tippling, smoking and… therapy, ranking a dead last of 12 relievers.

Why is this? Therapy is less important to men than smoking, eating, or tippling (whatever that is). What does this exactly say about us as men? I know it’s a tough economy, but I am managing to stay working in my practice with a large clientele of men. Does this reflect something about our culture stigmatizing counseling for men? Do men underreport their experiences in counseling?

Now, I am a realist. I get that counseling won’t be number one, especially when I am competing with sex, eating and prescription drugs. But, I think that this is a loaded idea, one that says something about either the underreporting of men seeking counseling or therapy, or that is is still seen as a less important to a man’s overall well being.

I don’t think counseling is the be-all, end-all of stress management. Stress management is a holistic concept, one that incorporates a wide variety of lifestyle choices that include counseling. 

Here’s some stress reliever ideas for those guys out there in the study who haven’t sought out counseling (by Phoenix, Arizona’s Counselor for Men):

• Exercise – exercise is an antidepressant, and can get your endorphins shaking for good feeling
• Communicate – for guys that don’t know how, this is a big source of stress. Not knowing how to do this in the right way can build up inside, and turn into physical pain, anger and tension.
• Watch the alcohol, caffeine, nicotine and sugar intake – all of these foods can promote stress and leave you tired, edgy or depleted. They all affect your mental well-being.
• Yoga – a lot of guys are doing this now, and it’s not as weird for guys to do this as it might have been once. The antidepressant GABA is activated during yoga. It’s great for tension and stress relief, and it’ll give your overactive mind a rest for once. Plus, if you are a single guy, there is ample opportunity to meet women (after class, of course).

One of the things that I have been thinking about is how we play games to avoid the fear of being rejected by women. I notice this with some friends I have, and with some clients. The one way in which this seems to be most apparent to me is by displaying the opposite behavior: rejecting the woman or potential relationship partner first. 

It happens less that people actually own up to being afraid of rejection, because a lot of the time, they don’t know it’s there. Honestly, I think we’re afraid of the fear. We are afraid that if this person gets to pierce through our facade, they will find someone that they didn’t bargain for, someone less adequate than the initial facade that was show to them through the dating process. Sex is used in this way, to speed up the intimacy process and to bypass the getting to know you process.

Some men that I know reject women after sleeping with them, over and over again. Not only do I feel ashamed as a guy, but feel bad for the female rejectees who are probably relationship-minded and are seeking something else during the act of sex with this person. Women are more intimacy and relationship minded; when we reject them after sex, or soon thereafter, we give them them messages that they are not good enough or unworthy or our affections. In effect, we are displacing (or projecting) our inadequacies onto them through the very act of rejecting them. 

Men have a notoriously difficult time opening up to their feelings, and opening up to fear of rejection is by no means any exception to that rule. It gets transformed into a socially acceptable thing – to bed women and conquer them, which creates an endless cycle of loneliness and misery. It’s very difficult to create a satisfying relationship under these conditions, and a lot of guys are left to do this cycle over and over again.

I can help you with these types of problems if you suspect that you are a guy (or girl) who creates this “rejection cycle” for him (or herself). It’s hard to break this cycle on one’s one, and as a Counselor for Men, I know the inner workings of this cycle to help you break the cycle once and for all. Call me at 602.309.0568 to set up a free consultation to talk about this with me.

- Jason

I was working with a client, reminding myself that the way in which we recreate our own bad relationships leads us into trouble every time. Whether we are in a relationship, between relationships, or eternally single, I think that we recreate similar patterns with different partners or mates, that keep us stuck and recreating the same dysfunction over and over again.

Whether its that we are so committed to chasing a fantasy in our minds, that has little basis in relationship reality, or are so deeply embedded in our fear and insecurity, the power of the past keeps us very much stuck in the present. The problems within our current relationship come to a head, and then we seek out a way to feel better or reduce the pain, sometimes through harmful means such as infidelity, alcohol, pornography, workaholism, gambling, or any number of other outlets. The fact is that we can’t run from the unconscious patterns that we recreate. Only by giving these patterns attention, can we begin to become aware of them and stop insanely perpetuating this madness. 

Looking into the past to see how we have behaved or interacted with former partners, or even a parent for that matter, begin to shed light on the patterns that we currently create. Beginning to become aware and take responsibility for those behavioral patterns is a first step, and through therapy, those patterns will rise to surface and, with work, can be transformed so that energy is freed up for other pursuits. I think that if you could stop fighting with your partner, especially over the same issue time and time again, that you would choose that, and choose more peace in your home. 

We need to start to take a bird’s eye view of our lives, especially in the realm of relationships. If we are controlling, we need to own up to that. If we are based in fear and scared to death that our partner will leave us for someone else, it’s that place that we need to look into. Those things don’t go away, but only accumulate more strength the more they are pushed aside and neglected. I believe it’s easier to commit to blaming the other partner or avoiding things with one of the addictions noted above, but the hard part is to become aware that we have a role in our suffering, find help and start to become aware and take responsibility for changing our situation, our relationships, and our lives.

(This is an article that I wrote, published by the Jewish News of Greater Phoenix on Friday, Aug. 8, 2008)

The virtual champagne bottle christening of my new blog! I’m really excited. Bryan Hughes of Zigbot Media did an outstanding job on this, and this is my formal plug for him. He is truly a pro.

This blog is dedicated to all things counseling. Its focus it to provide a forum for discussion, education and support for men dealing with issues ranging from work to relationships to mental well being.

As a counselor for men in Phoenix, AZ, my work and my vision is to create support for men in many different areas, whether that be in counseling or online. My goal is to create a community of men who share the same ideas about how to live a happy and balanced life for themselves.

So, take a minute to say ‘hi’, post a couple a words of wisdom, or click on my website to find out more about me and my practice.